Chapter 27: Finding Forever: Chapter 26

Cade’s hand wrapped around her ankle and squeezed. She wasn’t sure if it was in warning or affection—probably the former since he’d outright cautioned her not to bring up this subject with his father. But he couldn’t blame her for this. Not when James Hawthorne was the one who’d gone there first.

And since he’d broached the subject, she wasn’t about to back off.

“Call him what you will in private, but in public⁠—”

“I’ll call my husband by the name he prefers. In public and in private.”

“Now see here, young⁠—”

“Dad.” Cade’s quiet voice was filled with dark menace. “Leave her be. I won’t let you intimidate her.”

“I’m not trying to intimidate the lass,” his father protested, sounding like a chastised little boy. “Just educating her as to how this family works.”

“Maybe this family doesn’t work as well as you think it does,” Fern interjected softly. “I may be the new addition and I may not know much about anything, but it’s pretty clear to me that Cade has some hang ups about this name business. No matter how much he might deny it. Our marriage may be a sham, but I do know that much about him. And I have no idea why the rest of you are so hellbent on ignoring that.”

She cast a quick, apologetic glance Gideon and Kenny, both of whom were staring at her in slack-jawed shock. She hadn’t meant to drag them into it, but it was true that all of them were ignoring a fact that had been obvious to her from the very beginning. Cade’s hand was still firmly encircled around her ankle, but he was applying no pressure

“I… well that’s…” James Hawthorne appeared staggered by Fern’s words and seeing the usually cocky and self-assured man flounder immediately flooded her with remorse.

This wasn’t her business. Once again, she’d forgotten that she was the guest and that after she left, they would still have to deal with the fallout of her thoughtless words and actions.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized. She should really learn to mind her business. “I was out of line. I had no right to speak out of turn like that.”

Cade gave her ankle a gentle squeeze that she wasn’t sure how to interpret.

He had to be angry. She knew that much. Knew that he was likely livid. And she couldn’t blame him. She’d once again, ruined a perfectly good family gathering by bringing this up again.

“Don’t be,” Beth told her with a gentle smile. “It’s nice to be reminded that not everybody can be bullied and railroaded.”

The words were clearly aimed at James Hawthorne who was still watching Fern in open-mouthed shock.

“Anybody want some dessert?” Gideon asked, looking completely unperturbed by the evening’s events. Although his eyes were troubled as they dropped to Cade’s face. He pushed to his feet and went from person to person to collect their empty plates. “Beth made a strawberry chiffon cake.”

Fern wasn’t sure she could stay. She felt awful and on the verge of tears. But at the same time, she knew that leaving now would completely ruin the evening, which would be unfair when Beth and Gideon had gone to such lengths.

“I’d love a slice,” Cade shocked her by saying. He tilted his head up to look at her, a slight smile on his face. “You should try it, Fern. Beth is an amazing baker.”

“And no nuts of any kind, of course,” Beth told her.

“Yes, please, I’d like that.”

“We have a long drive, so I think we’ll give it a miss,” Kenny said, slanting a glance at her husband who, by now, appeared to have mentally checked out.

“What is going on with you two?” James Hawthorne asked with brutal bluntness and Kenny winced, as she snuck a look at her husband’s grim expression. “What did you do to my daughter, you bastard?”

“Dad, it’s fine. We had an argument that’s all. Isn’t that right, Smith?” The last was tacked on a little desperately as she implored the husband who’d ignored her and her family for the better part of the evening, to back her up.

“Massive fight, yeah.” He nodded, looking completely disinterested in even attempting to be convincing.

“See?” Kenny said with an unconvincing smile. “We’re fine. It’s all good.”

“Are you scared of him?” her father asked in a menacing voice, and Cade pushed slowly to his feet at the question. Gideon came up to join him and the two men stood shoulder to shoulder as they eyed Smith in blatant hostility.

“Has he hurt you?” Cade asked, his hands closing into tight fists.

Kenny looked so genuinely shocked and horrified by the question that it was immediately obvious that they were barking up the wrong tree.

“What? Oh my God, no. Of course not. Smith would never…”

Smith just watched them with a snide little half smile on his lip, almost taunting, as if he wanted them to pummel him. As if he would relish the opportunity to take his black mood out on someone.

“Oh, for God’s sake, everybody just calm down, okay?” Kenny pleaded. “Smith and I are going home. We had an argument. That’s it. End of story.”

Fern wasn’t convinced that was true, and—judging by the grim expressions on everybody else’s faces—neither did the rest of the family. Whatever was happening between the couple was catastrophic but until Kenny chose to confide in someone, forcing the issue might wind up alienating her.

Smith waited impatiently at the front door while Kenny hugged and kissed everybody, her smile reassuring, her eyes miserable.

When she hugged Cade, she whispered something in his ear and he reared his head back to stare at her in obvious dazed astonishment. She gave him a bittersweet smile and kissed his cheek.

The couple left soon afterward. Kenny clutching the car keys because Smith’d had too much to drink.

“Fern and I will get the cake, you guys go and have a manly chat or whatever it is you do when we’re not around,” Beth said, linking her arm with Fern’s and dragging her into the kitchen.

It was an open plan room and space was limited, but they were still far enough from the men to have a private conversation.

“That was intense, right?” Beth breathed. “I grew up in this house with only my Granny June and her parrot, Spock. So, I’ve never really experienced such soap opera level family drama before marrying into this clan.”

Fern, equally wide-eyed was instantly relieved that she wasn’t the only one who’d felt overwhelmed and little shaken by the entire exchange. This little side bar only reinforced to her how much she enjoyed Beth’s company and once again she felt a pang of remorse that she’d kept the woman at a distance. Which was a shame because they felt like allies in a strange and foreign land.

“I know. I mean, I’ve seen my fair share of drama at my boarding school, living with a bunch of troubled adolescent girls is always going to yield some pretty intense I saw him first, you rabid bitch type of showdowns… but there was nothing like this.” She sighed and then said, “I feel responsible for this. I shouldn’t have started on the name business again. I’m so sorry for ruining your party.”

“Puh-please… you started nothing, girl—that was all daddy-in-law-dearest. But make no m-mistake… you finished the hell out of it. I’m happy you proved to him that you’re not a pushover. He sometimes needs to be reminded that the world doesn’t revolve around him.”

“Thank you for saying that, I feel a little better.”

Beth smiled at her and gave her a little wink.

“You grab some plates out of that cupboard while I slice the cake,” the woman instructed.

Fern did as she was told and as she watched Beth work, she sighed quietly.

“I’m so sorry for ghosting you after our shopping date.”

“Are you ready to tell me why you did that?” Beth asked, not even pretending not to know what Fern was talking about. “It can’t be because you don’t like me, I’m clearly awesome.”

Fern laughed, appreciating the other woman immensely for lightening the moment.

“You definitely are and I do like you. I’m worried that, when my marriage with Cade eventually ends, you’ll be forced to pick sides and you’d naturally pick him. He’s family. I’m just… temporary.”

Beth nodded, and lifted her thumb to suck some cream off it.

“I thought it m-might be something like that,” she mused. “Glad it’s out in the open. Now, for the record, whatever happens or doesn’t happen between you and Cade in the future”—the name slipped from Beth’s mouth so naturally, that for a second Fern didn’t realize that she’d used it—“it won’t ever affect my friendship with you. We’ll make it work, okay? Because when I make friends, they’re stuck with me for life. Now can we put this behind us and carry on where we left off?”

“I’d like that very much,” Fern whispered and discreetly thumbed away a couple of sneaky tears before her friend could see them.

They managed to make it through the rest of the evening, thanks to Beth and Gideon’s gracious, easygoing hosting. There was the inevitable concern and conversation centering around Kenny and her marriage. And there was also still some residual tension between the three men. James Hawthorne kept watching Cade with a troubled frown on his face, as did Gideon. Their concerned expressions were almost identical.

Her father-in-law—having seemingly forgiven her for her clap back on his earlier bossiness—peppered Fern with questions about her pregnancy. The man appeared genuinely excited at the prospect of a grandchild and while it had been Fern’s intention from the very beginning to sever all ties with this family once she and Cade went their separate ways, it was becoming clear that doing so would be almost impossible.

For one, there was Beth… and through Beth, Gideon. And now this man, who clearly had every intention of being an integral part of his grandchild’s life. How could she deprive him or her child of such a relationship? Fern wanted a real family for her baby. The family life she’d never had. She couldn’t very well deny her child a grandfather who already seemed to love him unconditionally. As well as uncles and aunts who would spoil him rotten and love him unconditionally.

She wasn’t sure how Cade would feel about the child’s continued presence in his life, but right now, but after his tentative offer to “babysit” while she studied, maybe he wouldn’t be entirely averse to the prospect of being a part of the baby’s life. Even when he and Fern were no longer trapped in this awkward, loveless arrangement.

And while it might mean that Fern would still be on the outside looking in, it wouldn’t matter if it meant that her child would enjoy all the love and acceptance growing up, that she hadn’t had.

Cade was quiet as usual, but she couldn’t read his silence tonight. She couldn’t tell if he was angry. Usually, he projected his fury pretty clearly. But there was none of that seething frustration in his silence this time. In fact, he seemed more relaxed than anyone else in the room.

“Ready to leave?” he asked Fern, when she stifled a second yawn in as many minutes.

She wasn’t, not really, dreading being alone with him after her catastrophic decision-making tonight. She wasn’t looking forward to hearing about her temporary place in his family again. Nor another diatribe about how she should keep her nose out of his business. And yes, she knew that if she didn’t want to hear the same lecture, she should probably stop repeating the same destructive behavior over and over again.

After all, wasn’t that the very definition of madness?

The silent ride home ratcheted up her tension. And by the time they entered the apartment she was a wreck. She turned toward him while he locked the door.

“I’m so sorry, Cade, I shouldn’t have said anything. I completely messed up the oomph⁠—”

She was unable to complete her apology due to the fact that he was currently siphoning the air from her lungs through her mouth. Also, difficult? Forming words with someone else’s assertive tongue in your mouth.

Fern stood in stunned surprise as her husband enfolded her in his arms and quite simply ate her mouth, apology and all.

She wasn’t sure why this was happening and had a fleeting moment’s misgiving before she sighed in contentment and flowed into his arms like silk, her arms winding around his neck.

When the hot, sensual kiss finally wound down, Fern found herself snugly ensconced on his lap, cuddled to his hard chest. He had one hand fisted in her hair and the other palmed in her neck.

They were both a panting mess afterward, lips swollen, eyes wild, hair mussed, and clothes in disarray. He was hard, she was wet, and even though Fern was happy for the breather, happy to have a moment to simply think… she wasn’t entirely certain why they weren’t in bed, slaking this desperate need.

“Don’t get me wrong…” Fern’s voice was a throaty purr, when she finally managed to get her breathing under some semblance of control. “That was amazing. But… why?”

“Why what?” God, she loved his raspy post-sex voice. It always sent delicious frissons of sensation arrowing down her spine straight to her clit.

“Why did you just kiss me like that? And why did you stop? Why didn’t we…” she floundered and the palm on her neck, moved up to her cheek. His long thumb, swept tenderly over her lip

“Why didn’t we make love?” Oh, were they calling it that? She’d been so certain he was about to say have sex, or something far more crude. His choice of words surprised her.

“Yes.” She nodded, her index finger idly tracing swirling patterns on his chest.

“Because we need to talk.”

Fair enough. They did need to talk. About what had happened between them before the dinner, as well as everything that had occurred after that.

“I thought you were angry with me,” she admitted. “For what happened at Beth and Gideon’s place. I was unforgivably rude to your father. I upset everybody and ruined Beth and Gideon’s dinner party.”

“Ruined is a strong word. I wouldn’t say that at all.”

“What would you say then?”

He dropped an unexpected kiss onto her forehead.

When he spoke again, his gravelly voice was almost self-conscious. The hand in her hair was now lazily toying with the wavy strands. “My mother was the one who always called me Cade.”

His words startled her into lifting her head, but he used the palm on her cheek to gently coax her head back down to his chest.

“Don’t, please… I’d prefer to talk about this without—uh—eye contact, if possible.”

“Cade if you don’t want to tell me this, you⁠—”

“I want to,” he interrupted her quickly. “But it’s…” A gust of air ruffled her hair as he sighed. “I haven’t really spoken about it to anyone before. I’m not a big sharer. I listen, I offer advice when my brothers or Kenny need it, but I don’t like to burden them with my shit.”

“But they love you, they’d probably be happy if you confided in them sometimes.”

“I’m not someone who wears my emotions on my sleeve,” he confessed, sounding uncomfortable at the mere thought of it.

“So, your mother was the one who called you Cade?” Fern repeated, refocusing the conversation.

“Yes. Well, not just her. Everyone did. I was named after both grandfathers. My mother’s father—Caden—died just a few months after I was born and even though my first name is Niall, both of my parents decided to use my second name to honor his memory. From what I gather, my father was smitten with my mother at the time and would have done anything to make her happy. They separated when I was ten and officially divorced a few years later. After their split, my father started calling me Niall. I think it was more about scoring points against my mother than about me. My mother still called me Cade, as did my brothers and Kenny.

“But—you have to understand—when we were younger, we all vied for our father’s attention. He was always busy so we did what we could to win his approval. It took a couple of years but eventually Nox started emulating Dad. I understood why he did it, my father had started saying shit about how Niall is a good strong name, his own father’s name. How I should wear it with pride. And Nox—the consummate middle child—would’ve done anything to gain his notice. He was only about eleven at the time, but he was already so damned competitive when it came to winning the old man’s affection.

“Gideon and Kenny only started calling me Niall because they were imitating Nox. They were just babies really. I don’t blame any of them for it. My mother died when I was twenty-three. At that point she was the only one still calling me Cade. And once she was gone, I stopped thinking of—or referring to—myself as Cade. But it never sat well with me. It felt like a betrayal of my mother’s memory and wishes. Very few people call me Cade anymore. One or two childhood school friends and—well—you…”

“Why did you tell me to call you Cade?”

“Because it’s been years since anyone has called me by that name, and Niall Hawthorne is someone else, someone harsh and uncompromising. A coldhearted bastard. I don’t really understand what impulse compelled me to invite you to call me Cade that night. I thought it would be a one-time thing. And as a result, I felt free to be… myself. All I knew was that I didn’t want to be that bastard with you. And that…” He paused and his chest moved beneath her head as he sighed deeply. When he spoke again, his voice had the slightest of wobbles to it. “And that I wanted to hear my name on your lips.”

She lifted her head again and this time he made no attempt to hide from her. He met her eyes with a directness that stole the breath from her lungs.

“I was quite taken with them, you see?” he whispered, the blue striations in his irises in vivid contrast to the dark, stormy gray.

“With what?” she asked, almost absently as she found herself completely mesmerized by his hypnotic gaze.

“Your lips.” He finally broke eye contact and diverted his attention to her mouth.

She wet her lips self-consciously with her tongue and was startled by his almost primitive groan in response, the ragged sound that of a man in agony. His cock lengthened and hardened beneath her thigh, sending a flutter of anticipatory excitement zinging through her stomach.

“You’re trying to drive me insane, aren’t you?” he accused. “You’ve somehow recognized how gorgeous I think your mouth is. Which is why you’re constantly worrying at that top lip with your teeth, or your tongue… or sucking it into your mouth to plump it up so fucking irresistibly. You must know that I have a hard time thinking straight when you do any of that shit.”

“I didn’t know you felt that way,” she denied weakly and he shuddered, before tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling.

“I feel a lot of ways, Fern,” he admitted, his voice raw with need.

Her hand crept down over his abs toward the hard, twitching length of flesh.

“Hmm, I can tell,” she whispered, taking him in her palm.

He hissed and shifted his own hand from her hair to stay the movement of her hand on his cock.

“Not what I meant,” he asserted in a strained voice. “I mean aye, I fucking want you, pretty much every waking moment of the day… not that there’s much respite from this relentless driving need while I sleep mind you—I often wake up hard and in pain after dreaming about you. My point is, this is not all I feel. Not by a long shot.”

Startled by that revelation, Fern released her grip on his shaft, ignoring the frustrated sound he made in the back of his throat when she did so.

She sat up, pushing her hair out of her face and looked down at him. He peered up at her and groaned when he saw her expression.

“Elaborate.”

He tilted his head back to rest on the sofa and covered his eyes with his forearm.

“I’m not sure I know how to do that,” he admitted.

She didn’t reply, all that was visible of his face was his wickedly curved mouth and lean jaw. Her gaze swept over the rest of his big, rangy body. By now she’d acquainted herself with every inch of his perfection, but there was so much more to him that remained undiscovered.

How could she know so much and so little about someone at the same time? Yet, every reluctantly conceded insight into what made him tick only made him more fascinating to her. The more she learned the more she wanted—no needed—to know about him.

“What the fuck is going on in that complex mind of yours right now, Fern?” he asked, after the silence had stretched into minutes.

“I’m thinking I want to know everything there is to know about you,” she admitted, seeing no reason to hide the truth from him.

He smiled and lowered his arm.

“You’d be bored to tears in no time, I’m not that interesting.”

“I find you utterly fascinating,” she told him. He snorted but his gaze was affectionate, tender.

“No, seriously, Cade,” she insisted earnestly. “In the university of life, I’d want my PhD in Niall Caden Hawthorne-onomics.”

His chest heaved, and for a second his lips pressed together as he fought against what was happening to him. But he was helpless to stop it and she watched in delight as her oh-so-serious husband succumbed to gales of laughter for the first time since she’d met him.

Elated that she’d been the one to unlock this latest achievement, Fern stared at the beautiful sight of her laughing husband with tears in her eyes. He was gorgeous, eyes crinkled at the corners, dimples deepened into grooves, mouth stretched into a dazzling smile.

She’d never seen him so unguarded and she loved that he trusted her enough to reveal a side of him that he showed so few.

As his laughter faded, he hooked an arm around her waist and held her close.

“That was the corniest damned thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” he told her, voice still alive with amusement.

“I said what I said,” she told him. “And I have no regrets.”

“Fucking adorable, that’s what you are.”

He was quiet for a moment, serious now that the laughter had faded completely.

“Just before she left, when she was hugging me goodbye?” he confided, his voice vulnerable and filled with no small amount of wonder. “Kenny said that I’ve always been Cade to her. And I… I just—fuck, Fern, you don’t know how much it meant to me to hear that from my sister. I didn’t even know how much it would mean to me. I can’t explain it but it felt like I’d regained a piece of myself that I hadn’t even known I’d lost. So how could I be angry with you about that? When I’m so fucking grateful?”

“Oh, Cade, that’s wonderful news. I’m so happy to hear it.”

“Nobody has ever really stood up in defense of me like that before,” he suddenly admitted, voice gruff and self-conscious. “Why would they? I was born into privilege, I didn’t need a champion. I always stood up for my brothers, Kenny, did the right thing by my family.… The thing with my name seemed small in comparison to what so many others suffer daily. I didn’t feel like I had a right to feel wronged by it. Not really. Not when it was such a petty concern. Until you came along, I thought I was okay with it. Resigned to it. And I just want… I just need… fuck. Thank you, Fern. It means a lot that you cared.”

“Even if I was excavating all those family skeletons?” she half-teased.

“Hardly a whole skeleton,” he muttered, still a little awkward. “More like a severed foot. A toe even.”

She chuckled and his arms tightened.

“Do you think we could, possibly, try the whole married for real thing?” he floored her by asking and she pushed herself up—his arms reluctantly fell away from her—to stare into his face.

“What?”

“We get along, we care about each other. We have fantastic chemistry. And then there’s the baby. Since we’re already married, it feels right. Logical.”

Fern pushed her hair from her face and shifted off his lap completely, not taking her eyes off his face.

“Don’t you think you—I…we both—deserve better than to settle for a logical and convenient arrangement? All I’ve ever wanted was for someone to love me, Cade. And what you’re proposing right now feels like settling. You’re grateful to me for offering you a bit of kindness, consideration… for putting you first. I’ve been equally grateful to you for caring about me, showing concern for my well-being, for protecting me from Granger. But I’m not the wife you want, Cade.”

“What do you mean? How could you possibly know what I want, Fern?” he asked, sounding affronted.

“Because I heard you, Cade,” she whispered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, it just happened. But I heard you.”

He looked confused, stricken, uncertain and—more familiarly—outraged.

“Heard me? What do you mean? How could you have overheard me say that you’re not what I want? I’ve never once uttered those⁠—”

“On the phone,” she interrupted. “A few weeks ago. After we first slept together—uh for the second time—you were speaking to someone. Talking about the night we met. About how pale and drab I was. A moth.” She swallowed painfully before continuing, ignoring how pale he’d gone, how utterly appalled he looked. “How grateful you were that the baby and I wouldn’t be a permanent part of your life. And how I wasn’t the type of woman you’d ever imagined settling down with.”

“Oh Christ,” he finally muttered, voice shaky. “Fern—fuck—none of that… all of that… You weren’t meant to hear any of that.”

“I know. And it’s okay, really. It helped keep me grounded. Helped manage my expectations. We each deserve someone who loves the other, Cade. We shouldn’t settle.”

“No,” his voice was urgent, and he reached for her hand, but aborted the attempt when she flinched at the movement. “Fern, I said those things before I knew you. We could be good together. I think we deserve the chance to…”

“Cade.” Her interruption stilled the desperate babble of words tumbling from his lips. This time she was the one who reached out, tentatively covering one strong hand with her own. “It’s okay. I want us to be friends. And if you want to be a part of this baby’s life, we can work something out. But I want us to be happy.”

“We can be happy together,” he maintained.

“I don’t think so.” The words were filled with quiet dignity. “I think we can be content. But I don’t think we’d ever be truly happy together.”

“I don’t agree.”

She cupped his jaw in her hands and gave him a sweet, lingering kiss.

“Thank you. For wanting to try. It means a lot. But please, let’s not talk about this again. It’s too tempting, too easy to agree, and I truly believe it would be a mistake for us to go down this path. We’d be content. But years from now, we’d realize that contentment isn’t enough. And it shouldn’t be.”

“Fern.” Her name was a ragged whisper and he dropped his forehead to hers, but he said nothing further.

“We’re going to be okay, Cade.”

He folded her into his arms again and held her like she was precious to him and in that moment everything was perfect in Fern’s world.