The joy and the chaos,
the demons we're made of,
I'd be so lost if you left me alone.
__
"Are you sure you want to go there?" TJ asked, staring at his girlfriend's uncertain face as he dumped several bags inside the car's trunk.
She nodded almost quickly, pushing her sunshade up the bridge of her nose. Her eyes, cautious behind the screen of her dark Ray-Bans, took in the rowdy parking space.
Someone might recognize me here. They spoke.
He sighed, shutting close the car trunk. "You said you needed to get away from home. Going there will be like leaving an enclosed space for another."
She went silent, totally ignoring him. Something she'd been doing ever since he succeeded in begging her into leaving the house. He'd seen it in her eyes- shame, guilt. She'd closed up like a lid, leaving him to only stare at an empty surface, while she wallowed in mysery, isolating herself from the living.
Her eyes devoid of emotions, empty, lifeless. He'd seen it before - survivor's coping mechanism. Milo had worn his like a cloak. Dead orbs telling the world to do it's worst, daring the world to make a move. He'd given up so easily and TJ non the wiser, had no idea of how to drag his best friend off the hallow pit.
But now... Now, not even the universe stood a chance. He wasn't letting her slip away from his grasps. He wasn't losing another important soul.
"Fine." He surrendered. Silence had won once more. "We'll go there. But I'll first ring the guys, they haven't seen you since morning." He pulled out his phone, dialing digits by heart.
And like a shot, her hands halted him from clicking on the dial button.
His eyes followed her skinny hands, which appeared more skinny as they clutched his wrist. Cold nibbled nose, wide dank stare, dry and pale lips greeted his view. The sight had his heart breaking into tiny pieces. Her stares were lost-- dead. No words uttered, words weren't needed to convey her message.
It was straight out clear. She didn't want him telling her friends where they were.
Secrets, upon secrets.
Piling up, fucking her over.
He exhaled, flashing her a soft smile before pocketing his cellphone.
"Okay. I'll just make sure these things don't spill over..."
Cold harmattan breeze swept past. High strung, thumping beats cut his words short. Red, green and gold illuminated the white mall. They were consumed by a spectrum of colours, before sounds found it's way out of the thumping street speakers.
Slow, steady and sure, it was made known through words, through colours - Christmas day was around the corner.
Marveled, he looked around, watching the shops surrounding the large mall come to life. Same time he didn't notice the adrenaline rush Chimdi felt as she let her feet lead the way. She followed, getting drawn to the white and blue truck, like a puppet on a string.
She trailed behind, basking in the comfort the melody coming from the truck, provided.
The groovy melodies that painted the perfection of infancy. The soft caress of the home-made threat, melting on her tongue, like a balm, reminding her of home. When the monsters were non-existent, when darkness hadn't engulfed their lives. When Antni would coo Bill Wither's words to her ears, muttering that life was going to be favourable soon. She never knew favourable meant infinite torture.
"How do you sell?" She asked the boy hawking the local ice cream, offering him a smile which looked more like a grimace.
He returned one too, as he took in her attire.
"Na hundred naira, one. Two, one-fifty."
She nodded, leaning in to take in his products.
Vanilla--- the distinctive fragrance caressed her nostrils. It smelt like home. Reminded her of home.
"Okay, give me two..." She trailed off without haggling over the obviously overpriced goods, as the boy got to work, before she remembered TJ. "Noo, make it four. Three hundred naira right-"
"Chimdi?"
She turned, both caught off guard and confused, as she came face to face with the face behind the voice that just addressed her.
He smiled, his eyes bordering between awe and amusement. "For real? Santa definitely came early this year."
She froze.
"You want this too Dee, don't let your ego get the best of you."
"What the hell is wrong with you! Have you lost your mind?!"
"She doesn't have to know, won't find out, we're breaking up anyway."
That voice. That voice that twisted her insides. The same voice that spoke with blithe ignorance.
Slowly, her eyes assessed him. He hadn't changed one bit. He still had that glowing skin, rich in melanin pigments-- was the glossiest she'd seen her whole life. The reason A&A had rushed him like he was the fashion world's long lost heirloom. He was long and lean, with razors sharp features that one never got tired of staring at and that, he used to his advantage. Like a sorcerer wielded his wand.
He was long, lean and lethal and had added to her mysery.
Cold nibbled on her skin like a hungry scavenger and this time, it wasn't the weather. It was resentment, it was rage, engulfing her.
He had the nerve to smile at her, like they were long lost siblings.
Chimdi balled her fists in rage and even as the ice cream boy handed over her purchase, she didn't stop drilling holes into his head.
"What do you want?"
He laughed, light and melodious. So primal like the sailing breeze surrounding them.
"Missed me Dee?"
She bristled. "Why would I miss a lying piece of shit like you?"
He laughed again, getting his hands warm inside the pockets of his sweatpants. "Lying by omission isn't considered too great a sin in heaven Dee. Don't you think it's high time you gave us mere mortals a second chance."
She could hear it in his voice. Mockery. Unrepentance. He could do what he did, again and again if he had to, in order to get what he wanted.
"You're an animal." She gritted out, trying to hold in her rage.
He angled his head to the side, that one would think they were catching up, instead of dishing out confrontations.
"Now, now Dee." He tsked, yet again, laughing lightly. "Don't you think a compliment would have been better. I'd changed a lot in three years and all you think of is what an animal I've become?"
Her fists balled together in rage as fury rose like an angry storm inside her.
"I'm not going to ask again. What do you want?"
This time he sobered up. "Your ears Chimdi."
"Excuse you?"
"I'm serious Dee. I want us to talk." He shifted to his other foot. "We really need to have this talk before we run out of time."
Chimdi stared at him for a good five seconds, thinking of several ways to bury the boy's body before letting out a humorless laugh. "Do you really think I'm going to fall for that stupid prank this time?"
"No Dee, you're too smart for that. And this ain't no prank. This is as real as it can get." He sighed, before running his palm through his face. "Now what do you say? We go somewhere with seats to talk or what."
"How about this, I say, go fuck yourself while you head back to whatever hole you crawled out of?" Chimdi snapped before making to walk away.
But before she could make a successful exit, his hands caught her wrist.
She glared at him, then at the spot his hand circled. "Get your hands off me."
Freeing her wrist, he let out a deep sigh. "Look I'm sorry Chimdi, but you've got to trust me-"
She lost it. "Trust you? Did you just utter the word 'trust' out of all five letter words to choose from?"
He let out a strangled groan. "Will you at least listen to me-"
"No! You fucking listen to me!" She snapped, finally feeling the coldness of the ice cream as they slowly melted. "The only talk we're going to have is the one where I tell you to stay the hell away from me. I don't need any more ruckus before the year ends. Can you do this little for me-"
Hands circled her waist, engulfing her in warmth and comfort.
"Babe you okay?"
She didn't have to look.
She knew he was there, he'd come for her.
"Yeah." She gave him a strained smile as she leaned in. "He was just about to leave."
"Do we know you?" TJ asked, eyes like granite as he took in the boy before them.
Raising his hands in surrender, the intruder spared TJ a mischievous smile, as all seriousness got wiped off his face.
"You don't know me, but dear Chimdi here knows me so well. Infact, we've come a long way," he raised a brow at Chimdi who was seething with rage. "Haven't we Dee?"
TJ's eyes didn't leave the boy's as he spoke.
"Her attitude towards you is all the answer I need."
"That's my bad man." The intruder cheesed, as he struck out his hand for a hand shake. "Since dear Chimdi here, forgot the introductory rites. I'm Farouq and like I've said. Chimdi and I come a very, very long way."
Still staring at him, TJ ignored his outstretched hand.
"You know... This is the part where you take my hand and respond with your own name." Farouq said, waving his outstretched hand.
"Nah, this is the part where you get the memo and either tell us what you want or get the fuck out of our faces."
"Woah, woah, easy bro! Now I get where sweet little Dee got her fowl mouth from." Farouq took back his hand. This time, he smirked at Chimdi. "You know, I was expecting you to end up with the fowl tempered Muslim boy. What's his name again? Jameel or Jilly? Guess you love them fowl mouthed and short tempered-"
"Dude, back the fuck up and watch your mouth!"
Raising his hands up in surrender, Farouq took cautious steps back while still laughing. "Alright, that's my bad. I'll walk away for the time being. Ain't in the mood for some ruffling up." Smiling at Chimdi once more, he gave her a curt, two digit salute. "See you around Dee. And we gon' have that talk pretty soon. Do me right by listening to me this time."
Annoyed beyond limits, TJ took threatening steps towards Farouq before Chimdi intervened by dragging him back. "How about you do yourself right by staying the hell away from her asshole!"
"Ciaos negro!" Farouq called back as he jogged away. "Go channel your frustrations elsewhere."
"What a fucking nutjob."
Taking calming breaths, TJ tried to calm his seething self as he busied himself with taking Chimdi's purchase from her.
However, Chimdi, without much words headed straight to their ride, leaving TJ more confused than curious.
"Are you going to start the car or what!" Chimdi snapped when, after settling inside the car, TJ did nothing but stare.
On hearing her voice, TJ faced her, slowly taking in the calm state she was in.
"Let me guess. This time, we have to pretend as if nothing happened minutes ago?"
"Just start the car TJ." She muttered, getting comfortable as she leaned back, shutting her eyes.
Letting out a deep sigh, TJ moved to turn on the ignition. That was before his eyes caught sight of her shaking hand which was tightly holding on to the seatbelt.
Swearing lowly, he retracted his hand.
"We'll have to leave this parking lot eventually." He calmly reasoned. "But before that happens, how about we talk about what just happened?"
Chimdi hearing his voice, turned to face him. And on seeing that he was making no effort to start the car, she hissed.
"There's nothing to talk about TJ! Can't one just move on in peace without being watched or interrogated!"
Releasing her trembling hand from the seatbelt, he took it into his hand, squeezing lightly, while she glared at him.
"You don't look like someone who's trying to move on from what happened Dee. If nothing, you're trying to block it out and trust me, blocking it out and pretending nothing happened won't help you move on."
Chimdi could feel the resistance in her body. She could feel herself slowly shutting close and could feel the pent up anger inside her building up like little flames, ready to combust.
She inhaled, in, out, slowly. And even as she looked up at his caring but determined face, she knew he was right.
Pretending nothing happened wasn't the best remedy and besides, pretending only had little much it could do. Bracing herself for whatever she was about to do, she squeezed tight his hand, trying to get all the support she needed.
"I know how and what it feels like to not want to remember all those bad and horrible memories sunshine," TJ said, trading his fingers with hers and offering her a small smile when she looked at him in shock.
"You know, the period Milo died, I had first embraced denial. I didn't want to believe any of that happened, I refused to speak to anybody, even the cops, I even went as far as believing it was just a very scary nightmare that would soon go aware. Everything, every memory of that dreadful night and the one of him lying cold in his own pool of blood, I bottled up." He shook his head, when he saw her eyes begin to gloss up.
"Hey," he whispered, wiping the stray tears off her face. "I'm not doing this just to see you cry. I want you to listen attentively if you can, okay?"
She nodded, using her free hand to wipe clean her face.
"I thought I was doing myself a hell lot of good, I was moving on, managing with what was left of my sanity, till his funeral." He continued. "Then, I couldn't run away from the blatant truth. I couldn't even hide from it. And as I saw his coffin being lowered into the ground, I still remember how hard it was. I couldn't fight the memory and feelings no more, that moment, I felt like exploding, so full of every single memory that I had to black out."
Chimdi let out a shocked gasp, tears having their free fall while he just shook his head, smiling lightly at her.
"I'm still thankful I took that fall Chimdi, still thankful I was given the opportunity to take a break from everything. When I woke up, the doctor told me that I had reached my limit and how lucky I was because, there was no much damage caused to my mental health. He'd said if only I had shared even a little detail with my dad, Aunt Meg or even the cops, I wouldn't have felt so overwhelmed with everything."
Chimdi's eyes glossed up again. This time, she couldn't fight the tears even as he shook his head to stop her from shedding a tear. There he was again, being bold enough and sharing so much with her, sharing his struggles with her.
"Hey," he took her face with both palms, coercing her to stare at him. "I'm not telling you this to earn your sympathy and tears Dee. Hey, I want you to be stronger okay? I don't want you taking the route I took, trust me, hell's far better place than that place."
She nodded, sniffing slowly.
"Have your breakthrough when you're still strong and not when you've run out of options Chimdi. I was referred to talking to my dad and journalling, when group therapy was too much for me to handle. And you won't believe this," he smiled, shaking his head in disbelief. "Talking never seemed so useful at that moment. Each time I talked about or wrote down how I felt, the burden took turns to reduce, giving me my first real breakthrough."
Chimdi didn't realize she was smiling till TJ returned her smile with a light chuckle.
"You know, I never thought that I could see a little bit of myself in another person, till I saw you last week, battling to gain control over your mind and body sunshine. I never want to see you choose a breakdown over a breakthrough."
Taking in a long breath, Chimdi felt herself opening up deep down in her mind. She knew it was time to let some of the burdens go for good.
Suddenly feeling nervous, she removed her hand from his, her fingers twiddling with her thumb, while she stared ahead the now busy parking lot.
TJ sensing her nervous state, took her hand into his again, offering her a reassuring smile.
Breath Dee...
"Umm... Farouq, he's always been a harmless flirt." She exhaled again, almost scared of the fast rate her heart was beating. "I guess that was why I overlooked his advances."
She looked up at TJ who offered a comforting smile. She sniffed, clutching tight his hand. "I- when he signed with A&A, he began dating my senior friend Ella in no time. Their relationship became the bedrock of their modelling career. Still, he still flirted with just any girl, I never minded because he never for once tried to flirt with me..."
Chimdi stopped, noticing that her heartbeat had returned to normal. She was feeling herself becoming more than willing to speak out. An experience she'd never gone through before.
"But when he- he began flirting with me, I took it as nothing. I just thought it was another phase he would soon pass and besides, that was who he was. Always joking and smiling, always touchy... I- I never knew he had an ulterior motive I swear. I never- if I knew, I would have stayed away from him. I wouldn't have gone with him."
Tears again began to have their free course through her eyes, while TJ's free hand balled into a fist at the information he just received.
"Did he touch you sunshine? Tell me, did that asshole do anything inappropriate to you?"
Wiping her eyes, she shook her head. "No, it wasn't like that." She assured, still wiping her face. "He just became touchy, but not in an inappropriate way, in public. He'd take my hands while we're out, especially with Ella. He'd try to feed me snacks and stuff. It was like that moment, he was out to just flirt with me, to make up for the times he didn't. And Ella didn't mind, or so I thought."
TJ's face was neutral. "She didn't confront him or call him to order. Not even once?"
"No. Most times, she'd send us to get stuffs together. That was how harmless she thought his actions were till the night of the 2017 ANTT awards, where all hell broke loose. Both him and Ella had been nominees and had requested that I tagged along. And I made the mistake of going with them. I had left for the bathroom when I got a text from him, saying he needed to talk. I went to meet him at the location he'd sent. On reaching there... He-" She spared TJ another glance and the look on his face was all she needed to continue.
"Hey," he said, squeezing her hand. "It's okay to take your time."
"He came unto me." She breathed out, feeling disgusted at the memory that came rushing back. "I thought he was drunk or something when he'd- when he kissed me." She heard TJ suck in a breath and that broke her heart more.
"I stopped him, called him to order and- and even went as far as threatening to tell Ella. But all he said was a bunch of words that didn't make sense. I left him there and went back inside. The next day, pictures of us kissing, surfaced the net, alongside blogs and articles allegedly stating that Farouq cheated on Ella with me and they had previous pictures of him, doing what I thought was harmless flirting with me, to support their allegations. And to worsen the situation, Farouq went AWOL for a while, before news circulated that he got hired by an international agency in New York."
TJ growled, feeling his dislike for the boy he met earlier, multiply. "That asshole."
"I never saw him again till today. And no one held him responsible after Ella's career went down. I was the only one held responsible. I was the only one left to bear the brunt of his schemes and you know what, it was all my fault. I should have read the signs when they were right before me, I shouldn't have gone to meet him when he'd sent that text. It's all on me, everything that took place. God, I was so stupid."
"It wasn't your fault Chimdi." TJ corrected, making her face him. "Everything that happened is all on him and he's the one stupid enough to use two talented girls to climb to boost his career."
Chimdi shook her no, feeling her eyes gloss up. "You don't get it TJ, if I had avoided or confronted him from the onset, none of that would have happened. You should have seen the look on Ella's face. I broke her TJ, she trusted me, so much that she saw no harm with me hanging out separately with Farouq, she-"
"Listen to me sunshine, look at me." TJ stopped her ranting, taking her face into his palm. "None of that was your fault. Yes you were her friend and she trusted you, but you were not the one in a relationship with her. You played your part by being a real friend to the end. Don't you dare put the blame on yourself, okay? Come here."
Nodding, she let herself get embraced in his warm hug and for the first time in a long time, she experienced her first breakthrough.
Never in her life did she feel so free.
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