The first time Eliyas discovered my Phobia was probably when I was 15.
As for the reason I'm saying "Probably", it is because he seemed genuinely surprised and clueless when he was witnessing me experiencing that particular panic attack, I never saw him having similar clueless face ever again so I suppose that was truly his first time.
I remember he just kept looking at me with both dumbfounded and scarred expressions, not understanding what I was going through in front of his watchful eyes.
He was in his first year in college back then, he came to visit Nana in the first chance he got after his exams, and to both my and Nana's surprise, Ines came along with him too!
At the time, we understood the reason behind Eliyas's repetitive visits to our house, it was because of his health condition: he had strong respiratory allergy which seemed to subside when he changes the climate, namely by occasionally coming to our small town. So yes, Eliyas had an obvious reason to come, but why would Ines leave her luxurious villa to come stay where even the water supply isn't 24/7??
Anyways, Ines and I never fell on the same page, never were on the same wave, never were on anything in common, we agreed on one only thing in this lifetime which is she and I hated one another to the bones.
Adding to our eternal animosity, I was heartbroken too at the age of 15 because it was not long after my mother left, and I was a teenager too.. The particularity of this age doesn't need any further detailing. It is thanks to all these reasons that our meeting wasn't something pleasant at all.
You see, both Ines's character and mine tend to be calm and careless most of the time, but whenever we're both put in the same room, a war must inevitably break our calm and slam our ordinary behavior to the wall. We both roared like tyrant lions for the silliest of reasons, like turning off the room's light, sitting on the green chair because the green chair was the best piece of furniture we had in the house, doing the dishes, for snoring, you name it.. we quarreled about everything.
By the third day of their staying in our house I had my share of Ines and wanted her to just leave so as I have my peaceful life back, I shamelessly walked straight to her while she was sitting in front of the old TV and complaining about all what her eyes could see, then I said:
_"Get lost! Get out!!"
She absolutely refused to leave of course just to tease me, then one thing led to the other and we somehow ended up physically fighting.
Hair was pulled, screams and curses were heard, clothes were torn, things were thrown in the air, we had that sort of fight a girl shall always remember with embarrassment.
Now let's get to the main point, how did my future husband who was standing in the middle between two restless tigers trying to stop the fight and who was getting slapped and kicked in the process, how did he witness my first panic attack under such circumstances?
Well, needless to say it, the moment we stopped fighting and I saw the bleeding scratches on my skin I didn't notice when being blinded by anger, I felt like if those scratches were much deeper than they actually were, I mean they bled too.
Although I knew they were nothing, that they would heal within few days, but there was a beast inside me I absolutely couldn't control, I panicked immediately.
I closed my eyes not wanting to look at my self, then kneeled on the ground and started crying hard, because that fear was hard to bear, the pain in my chest and the air I couldn't get properly inside my lungs no matter how hard I tried to breathe.. I couldn't bear these too.
At the age of 15, I hated this weak version of me, which made people laugh at me, or worse, pity me.
_"Noursine? Are you ok?" Eliyas shouted while shaking my shoulders.
So I opened my eyes to look at him, he was kneeling on the ground in front of me, his face was so close to mine, so scared just like mine.
The first time he saw my weakness, he was just.. scared.
This sure left a deep impression inside me, I somehow ended up including him in the list of people who preferably should not be present during my phobia crisis, this list unfortunately includes every living person on planet earth except for my mother and Nana, because I hate to be judged or looked down on.
Even now when Eliyas means so much to me and I feel safe and comfortable around him, I still prefer not to let him see me having a panic attack, i guess it's a woman's pride thing as well: i don't want to show the man i love this weak side of me.
So yes, when I went inside Nana's room holding the important papers with me, I sat on the ground and tried to take control over my fear without seeking anyone's help, if you want my advice in how to do such task, then i shall say that it is useless to keep thinking about your fear when you have it in order to convince your selves that it's nothing and you can easily get over it, it's absolutely wrong and useless thing to do!
The best way to surmount it in my humble experience is to actually not think about it at all, by trying to focus on other happenings around you, by diverting your line of thinking and vision.
Unfortunately, there was nothing interesting happening inside Nana's empty room to take my attention, so I ended up just focusing on the dark brown closet and the flowery bed sheets, while doing this I controlled my breathing as well.
Within a couple of minutes, i successfully managed to get rid of all my symptoms.
The next step was to get out of Nana's room and ensure the servants and my bodyguards that i was ok, because i didn't want Eliyas to know about anything that happened, since i won't say a word the servants had to seal their mouths too, my husband's day wasn't the greatest so there was no need to add to his concerns.
Actually, to say that the reason behind my decision of not telling him about his father, the papers thing and my panic attack is my being a thoughtful and considerate wife will be an obvious lie, i had other motives.
As you know, my husband is not your typical forgiving and kind person who would put himself in the other's shoes and try to see the situation with merciful eyes, I guess you well know now that he's absolutely not the kindest person. Whoever makes any mistake even if it's small has to pay for it in Eliyas's opinion, it's already a miracle that he went easy with my highness in numerous occasions.
Since I too know my husband is this kind of person, I felt so sorry for Mr Houdil who spent years working hard and faithfully, it would be such a loss for both him and Eliyas if he was punished for unintentionally dropping papers on the ground, I admit that he dropped the very wrong papers in the very wrong time and place, that if it wasn't for my sharp ears and intellect a catastrophe would have happened, but I took care of the situation already so there was no reason for my husband to kick his best assistant out.
In addition to that, I'm curious as well to know why Mr Houdil who always seemed like a very serious and alert person would commit such silly yet grave mistake, it's very out of his familiar behavior, there must have been a reason that I need to find out, I mean god didn't make Eliyas Filladi marry a journalist for vain.
While I was thinking and planning what to do, I suddenly heard gentle knocks on the closed door behind my back.
I naturally turned to look at it, that's when i heard the villa butler's voice saying:
_"Master lady, are you alright?"
I immediately held the papers tightly, stood up then opened the door.
I found the old butler standing right in front of me, accompanied by a group of my bodyguards.
I cleared my voice, then replied:
_"i'm good."
He looked at me with a worried face, and added:
_"I apologize for my earlier absence master lady, I accompanied the young master to his car."
I nodded in understanding, then replied to his relief:
_"I see, It's ok, I just need you to make sure no one informs Eliyas about my chat with father, I want to tell him personally."
_" As you wish Master lady."
I walked straight up to my room, after I locked it I practically ran to my bed to check the phone and see if Eliyas called me during the last few minutes of my absence, to my good luck he didn't!
I know this may sound weird, but I genuinely felt endlessly happy because my husband didn't notice I was missing and just forgot that I existed! Because this way he won't know about what happened!
I enthusiastically unlocked Eliyas's safe, carefully put the papers inside then locked it again, and yes ladies and gentlemen, the careful and alert businessman who trusts no one simply let his wife know the code of his most personal safe, which is the one inside our room.
He has more secure places I assume because I doubt such an easily accessible safe should be a place where he'd hide his most confidential stuff, which means those papers are not totally safe there and I should tell my husband about their existence when he comes back home.
Speaking about my husband, I decided to start acting like a decent wife and daughter in-law, so I held my phone and called Eliyas's number to ask about Ines and see how she was doing.
Eliyas picked up the phone right away, then before I even had the chance to accomplish my task of being a good wife he bossily scolded me:
_" Noursine! how many times during a day should I remind you of the particularity of the current circumstances in order for you to stop acting careless! The moment I look away you just disappear and put your self in unnecessary danger! Bla bla.."
You see, listening to your husband's nagging is part of being a good wife too, I mean I could have simply cut his words by announcing the reason behind my staying behind and he would have wasted his energy thanking my highness instead, but this shortcut would cause other problems that he shouldn't deal with right now when his sister is in need of his presence.
You see how selfless I can be?
I even apologized like a broken headed and I said:
_" Next time, wherever you go my foot will be on your foot! I will follow you like your shadow!"
_" you stay at the villa right now, I'll come as soon as I speak with Ines's doctor."
_" how is she?" I interrupted him.
_"she's fine, we're waiting for the doctor's opinion."
_"OK, you call me back once he informs you about anything."
I hang up the moment I finished saying this, because I'm Eliyas would have started a second round of scolding me if I didn't.
I decided to sleep while waiting for his call, since there was nothing else to do anyways, and if I stay awake I will just starve, we didn't eat anything this whole long day and it didn't seem convenient to go to the kitchen and fill my stomach while my sister in-law is lying in the hospital with an unknown condition.
I slept until I was awoken by a knocking on the door, when I opened my eyes two major events caught my attention:
The first one, was my being extremely hungry.
The second, was my being in nighttime already!
So it is either Ines's tests took a really long time to come out, the doctor took a really long time explaining them, or my husband simply forgot to call me like I asked him to do.
This forgotten wife, namely me, drowsily walked to the rooms door then unlocked it and opened it.
The man who was standing in front of me didn't show any signs of regret nor apology no matter how cold I gazed at him in my drowsy state, he patiently waited for me until I felt I gazed at him long enough, then he walked in when I stepped aside to leave a space for him to enter the room.
_"How is Ines doing?" I asked while crossing my hands on my chest and watching him change his clothes.
_"She's fine, the doctor said there is no reason for us to worry, they will keep her in the hospital tonight for observation."
_"Is mother staying with her?"
_"Yes." He replied tiredly, he finished putting on his clothes, pressed on his temples after closing the closet then informed me:
_"Nana came back with me, she will be waiting for us in the dining table."
I sighed helplessly, then suggested:
_"You're so tired, you don't have to go down, just rest on the bed.. I'll ask the servants to bring you your dinner here."
_"And you?" He asked.
I smiled then replied with certainty:
_"I will be eating down with Nana of course, after you finish eating alone I suggest you open the safe and see what I left for you."
I stormed out of the room the moment I finished saying these words without waiting for his response.
Being a good wife to Eliyas Filladi..such a useless thing to do!