Life went downhill fast.
My father didn't even try to hide the fact that he was cheating, and often times he used me as a cover, made me cover up for him, and it was exhausting.
And because I felt miserable and guilty for what I was doing to my mother, I started spending more time with my mother to make her happy and make up for the lie, and I won't deny it was tough.
I love my mother, I really do, however her episodes and outbursts are unpredictable.
"Mom."
"Yes, Honey."
"Can you teach me to cook?"
"Oh, sure."
Learning to cook with my mother was how we spent time together and it was amazing.
However, I still couldn't get rid of my guilt and frustration
~~
I was getting more and more frustrated by everything, and the fact that Zhan was pulling away from me was not helping, I couldn't even be mad at him since I knew that he was suffering too.
He was getting weaker and thinner, and I couldn't do anything.
Today, I decided that I would make him lunch, my mother was still sleeping as she was under the effects of medication, so I didn't bother her, I smiled as I looked at my cooked food, and I happily packed the lunchbox.
"Yibo." I heard my mother's voice and I looked at her, she stood in front of me and smiled, "What have you cooked?"
I smiled, "Good morning, Mom, here taste it." I said as I fed her a spoonful of white sauce pasta that I cooked.
"Oh my, this is amazing, my dear." she said, "you are amazing. By the way, there are two lunchboxes, are you taking another one for Zhan?"
"Yes, I am."
"I see, I just saw her yesterday?"
"What?"
"Yes, I went for a walk with Martha, and I saw Zhan standing in front of the house, I invited him in, but he did not come inside."
"I see." Was she telling the truth? Or was she imagining things?
I looked at Martha and as I walked past her she said, "She is telling the truth."
"Oh," I said before I walked away.
~~
During lunchtime, Zhan walked out of the classes. Of course, he wanted to be alone, so I took out the lunchbox and went to his usual spot. I smiled when I saw him there.
He looked lonely and depressed. Extremely tired and weak. I shook my head and slowly walked towards him, I would try to cheer him up.
"My mother told me that you came by yesterday," I said, he looked at me and it looked like he was not interested in talking to me, it hurt to see him like this, I never expected that one day I would have to walk on eggshells around him as well.
"Why didn't you come in yesterday?" I asked, trying to start a conversation, but he still didn't reply. I was not going to give up so easily.
"I didn't want to," he answered mechanically.
"Why? We could have had fun. See my mother sent this for you."I took the tiffin and pushed it towards him, I was hoping that he would be happy to see it and we could talk while he ate, I could share some of my worries with him as well, "it's-"
"GODDAMN YIBO! WILL YOU GET LOST!" he yelled as he turned towards me, the tiffin fell on the ground and I flinched.
"LEAVE ME ALONE! DON'T YOU GET IT? JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND HAVE FUN WITH YOU, OR HANG OUT WITH YOU! WHY WOULD I HANG OUT WITH A FA-"
He stopped himself mid-sentence, but the damage was done, my eyes were getting teary and my heart was pounding. I hated loud voices, I hated when people yelled at me, it was traumatizing, and what Zhan said just hit me hard, my heart shattered and I felt heartbroken.
I had never ever expected this from him.
I trusted him with one of my deepest secrets and he threw it right at my face, I had not told anyone else about my sexuality, he was the only one I trusted and this is how he thought about me, if I told him about my mother and my other secrets then he would surely react like this and use them against me.
I slowly picked up the lunchbox and turned around, I didn't want him to see the tears falling from my eyes.
He tried to stop me, but it was too late, the damage was done.
~~
I ran away from there and went somewhere secluded where no one would see me, I cried and cried, I tried to calm myself down but it was hard.
"You okay there?" I looked up to see who was calling me, I knew this guy, he was our classmate.
"I am fine," I said as I tried to wipe my tears, but they won't stop.
The guy watched me before he sat beside me on the ground and offered me something, my eyes widened and I was horrified when I saw what he was giving me.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Weed, the medicine that will cure all your sorrows."
I stared at the thing in front of me. and I shook my head, "No, I don't want it."
"I think you do, it's really good and it can really calm you down, trust me it's work, there is no harm in trying one right?"
I stared at the cigarette-like thing in front of me and swallowed, I was tempted, and I gave in to temptation.
Henry taught me how to use it and once I got the gist of it.
I was in love again.
"Do you like it?" Henry asked.
"Yeah, it's good," I spoke.
"My name is Henry."
"Yibo."
"I know."
"I know you too."
"Why were you crying?"
"Just stuff. Life happens."
"I get it, you know what, if you want more of this and want to get a little distracted then why don't you join us for a party tonight?
"I... I don't think that it is a good idea."
"Your wish, but I suggest you should do it, it would be fun."
"I'll think about it."