Keira comes back to sitting with me and Cody at lunch, but in our new spot now. She's very pleased that we've stopped staring at all the attractive girls that cluster around Axel during lunchtimes, but still doesn't totally approve of my reasons. Of course, once I actually tell her some of the stuff that Axel tells me about dealing with girls, she's a little more okay with it, since it's pretty much just being a good friend and a nice person, though she does wish I was doing it for less manipulative reasons.
Since being forgiven, I've noticed a few differences in my friendship with Keira. For one, she's lecturing me a lot less than before. We still bicker about small things, but Cody actually seems to be able to tolerate more of us than before, which tells me that I'm not just imagining things.
At first I think it's just that Keira's changed, and that the difference is because she's stopped arguing with me over everything. Then I realize that it's probably more because I've stopped doing terrible things and being a horrible person, so there's less need to be lectured.
She also thinks it's hilarious that I'm kind of friends with Axel now. I spent like, three years shamelessly (well, actually not at all shamelessly, there was a lot of shame involved) resenting him for being everything I wished I was, and now I'm going to his house twice a week. I tell her that I'm not sure we're really friends, but she insists that we definitely are.
Anyways. Axel gets a lot better at playing the trumpet, and just in general at practicing in a non-frustrating way, and also at reading sheet music. He tells me that he knows he's gotten better because Ms. Vaken's started giving him less angry looks.
Around the same time that Axel starts improving, so do I. One of the girls fawning over Axel all the time- one of Jennifer's friends, I'm pretty sure- is in one of my classes, and I've slowly been building up a bit of an acquaintance with her. Smiling when we make eye contact, occasionally saying hi. I don't want to scare her off by doing anything big, though, just in case.
Her name is Ivy. Blonde, green eyes. Attractive, but not as explosively attractive as Scarlett and the other top girls- just by the social hierarchy that I've observed, I could actually be in her league. Maybe. I just have to not mess everything up.
And then one day, she comes into class with her shoulders hunched, eyes on the floor. She doesn't pull out her phone, just stares at her desk surface for a moment before getting out her books and stuff.
This is my chance. I slide into the seat next to her as she starts diligently writing the date at the top of the page. "Hey."
She looks up at me, surprised. The smile that slides onto her face would be convincing if I hadn't seen her before. "Oh, hey. Sorry- um... Nate?"
"Nash," I correct with what I hope is an easy smile. "You're Ivy, right?"
She smiles and nods. "Yeah."
I swallow, praying that this doesn't completely bomb all my chances with this girl. "I just noticed that you looked kind of upset when you came in. Anything I can do?"
The smile slips off her face, and her eyes drop again. "Oh. Um. Yeah, it's just. You know." She looks back up at me with an obvious mask of a silly smile. "Stupid girl drama."
"What happened?" I ask, not overplaying my concern. She sighs and drops the smile again.
"Just..." she lowers her voice. "Well, a guy hit on me, and when I told him I wasn't interested, he was kind of rude about it."
"He didn't hurt you, did he?"
"No, nothing like that. But just... you know. Called me a few things that..."
"Oh. Wow, that's- that's really brutal. I'm so sorry that happened."
"Thanks. I just don't get why some guys can't take no for an answer."
"Yeah, reacting like that is totally unnecessary."
She sighs again, more frustrated this time. "I mean, I turned him down as nicely as I could, I didn't want to be rude, you know? And then he called me a bunch of stuff anyways."
"Hey, he was being a jerk. His reaction has absolutely nothing to do with you. I'm sure you were really nice about it."
"Like, okay. He came up to me and was all like 'let me show you a good time' or something sleazy like that, and I said 'no thank you, I'm alright.' Like, is that really that bad? I didn't try to say it rudely or anything, just as politely as I could."
"No way, that's super polite, and he sounds kind of shady anyways. Nothing he said has anything to do with you, it's all just the kind of person he is."
She sighs, this time a little more relieved, like she's letting go of it, and then smiles at me. "Thanks. That really means a lot to me."
"Of course, anytime."
"No, really. I wish all guys could just be nice, and- I don't know, not totally rude and idiotic. I mean, not that all guys are rude and idiotic. I just wish the rude and idiotic ones could be sweet instead. Like you."
And even though this is pretty much exactly what I wanted, I can't help but feel the familiar feeling of guilt crawling up my throat again as I smile at her. I'm definitely being a manipulative jerk. I'm still a terrible person.
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"So, I heard that you talked to Ivy."
I feel heat rising to my cheeks and intently do not look at Axel. It's not too difficult, I just look out the window of his super expensive car instead. "Yeah."
"So? How'd it go?"
"Pretty well."
I can feel his eyes on me as we pull up to an intersection. "So... what are you going to do now?"
"I don't know. What am I supposed to do now?"
"Talk to her again. Try to get her number or something. I don't know, I told you my experience past this point is pretty limited."
"Not really. You dated Scarlett Brooks. You must have asked her out, or something. Or she asked you out, in which case, just tell me how she did it."
"She didn't ask me out."
"Great. How did you do it?"
"I didn't ask her out, either."
"Okay. So..."
He takes a breath. "We just kind of... figured out that we... liked each other. And it happened."
"That's really vague."
"I told you. Very limited experience."
"So, how would you recommend I go about asking out Ivy, if that was something I wanted to do?"
"I would tell you to ask someone who knows."
I look at him, frowning. There's something a little weird in his tone. "You've got hot girls around you pretty much throughout the entire school day. How would you ask one of them out? Just like that- 'hey, wanna go out with me'?"
"I don't know, Nash. I wouldn't ask any of them out anyways."
"Okay. But hypothetically-"
"Nash. Drop it, please."
I examine him for a moment. He's holding the steering wheel tightly, eyes fixed on the road, and there's a lot of tension in his posture. "Okay. Sorry I asked."
He glances at me, probably seeing my wide eyes, and sighs a little, shoulders slumping. "I'm sorry, I just don't know what to tell you. I don't have any real experience in what you're dealing with."
I'm kind of tempted to point out that he did date Scarlett, so he has at least a tiny little bit of experience in doing this somehow, but I don't.
We ride in silence until we get to his house. Then we go over the most recent songs for band, and the ones that we'll probably be doing for any performances, and I would tell him that he's probably fine off without me now, but I don't because I kind of like spending time with him. And then...
"Is there anything else you want me to tell you about talking to girls?" he asks, sitting on one of the couches while I'm seated at the piano. "Other than, you know, things beyond my experience?"
"I mean, I guess not. If you've never asked out a girl, and you've never thought about asking out a girl, then no."
It's silent for a few moments, as we look at each other, both trying to get the other to break first.
Eventually, he sighs. "Nash, there's a reason why I haven't asked out any girls, or dated anyone besides Scarlett."
The way he's talking tells me that this reason is a pretty big thing. "Okay."
He looks away, sighing again. "It's because- I'm not interested in any of them."
"What, like, they're not your type?"
"Yeah. I guess you could say that." And then, after a brief pause. "And not just those girls. Just- girls."
I blink at him. "Girls aren't your type?"
"Yes. Exactly."
"So. Um. Do you have a type?"
He looks down at his hands, clasping them together tightly. "Yeah. Guys. I'm gay."
"Alright... so, have you ever thought about asking out a guy? I mean, it can't be that different, right?"
He rolls his eyes, wearing a slight smile. "My parents would never let me go out with a guy. But no, it's probably the same thing."
"Oh. Right. Your parents are super traditional. Right."
"Yeah."
"So... do they know?"
"Yeah. They know. They're not huge fans, but they don't like, neglect me or make scathing remarks about it. They just kind of pretend it isn't a thing, but it's the unspoken rule that I absolutely cannot do anything with guys."
"That sucks. Never?"
"I mean, after they die and I inherit all of their money, there isn't much they can do. But until then- any gay scandals and I'm disowned, disinherited, left with nothing. I mean, my brother probably wouldn't leave me on the streets, but he'd have to keep it hidden from our parents."
"You have a brother?" This is so not the most important thing right now, but it's still new information.
"Yeah. Jason."
"Jason King."
One corner of his mouth quirks up.
"Your parents really wanted one of you to be a movie star, didn't they?"
He laughs, surprising both of us. "Yeah, I guess so."
"So. You're gay. But closeted?"
"I mean, because of my parents. I'd like to be out."
"So you're like, an undercover gay."
He laughs again, quieter this time. "Sure."
I smile, then frown a little, not sure why I feel like I'm missing something, some important question- ah, yes. "Wait. But you dated-"
"Scarlett Brooks, yes. It was mostly just a business arrangement to make everybody happy. That was a little after I came out to my parents. They kept looking at me like they weren't sure if I was going to do something gay, and even though I told them I wouldn't they wouldn't leave me alone. So I dated Scarlett- she knew- to appease them and convince them that I was still capable of pretending to be their perfect son."
"Yikes. Somehow, that's not entirely what I was picturing when I wondered what it was like for you to date Scarlett."
"Yeah."
We sit in silence together for a little while, Axel's eyes never directly meeting mine. Eventually, I sigh and get up from the piano bench, sitting beside him and forcing him to meet my eyes. "I can tell that you're still kind of anxious that I'm not going to accept you or whatever. Which. Yeah, that's fair, after your parents. But I'm not them. I'm never going to be them. And this doesn't make me unsusceptible to your friendship powers." I pause, because I'm kind of scared too, now. "So... I'd like to be friends? Now that our tutoring sessions seem to have reached a natural end."
He gives me a small smile. "Thanks, Nash. And yeah, I'd like that."
What do you think of the chapter? Thoughts on Nash's conversation with Ivy? And his following conversation with Axel? How about Axel coming out to Nash? Let me know in the comments!
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