(Wattpad kinda sucks so make sure you read Step 23 before this chap!!)
12-9-14
Math. I hate it so.
I still hadn't grown fond of Tate and Dylan but I had to get over it.
"How did you break your hand?" Our sub asked Damien.
"He punched his hand and broke his dog." I told her.
Kevin looked at me with a goofy type of smile and I burst out laughing, realizing what I said.
"That came out so wrong!" I laughed. Kevin joined me.
Even though I was still laughing, Kevin was just smiling at me... and I liked it. I like when he smiles at me like that. Makes me feel... beautiful.
-and yes I'm aware of how cliché that sounds-
12-11-13
Two days in a row.
Two days that Tate has not only glared at me from across the room in English, but Dylan.
For the past two days, Dylan has been playing with Makayla's hair in class. Not only has our teacher pointed it out, but Kevin. He even mocked Dylan by putting a hand in my head.
Before the thought of Kevin playing with my hair crossed my mind, I clutched his hand and moved it.
Dylan has definently entered the red zone in Tate's world. Not only knowing from her glares, but her once again absence by Dylan's side.
***
12-12-13
"Loving him is like driving a new moserati down a dead end street."
I gulped and flicked my eyes to the one person this song describes.
This is not only the 6th time I've heard this song this week, but the 3rd time I've heard this song in math while Kevin was here.
Loving him was literally red.
While I peered through my eyelashes at him, he craned his neck looking at me.
For a while I just thought it was a bad habit of neck stretching. But after a while I realized he looks at things while he does it.
In this case, me.
Though I was a big sucker for brown eyes, his mixed signals irritated me.
I just can't wait to be on break. I really need it.
12-13-13
Friday the 13th.
For some people, it's the worst day of the month. But since I usually have bad days, Friday the 13ths were pretty good days. Great even.
I think my good day began in a dream.
Can't remember simple details but all I do know is for the first time -in dreams or real life- Kevin and I kissed.
Well, sort of. He gestured me to kiss his cheek and I did.
Now even though I was dreaming, I had a panic attack.
You see, when I pressed my lips to his -ever so soft- cheek, I felt nothing. Sure it seemed like it lasted forever but I didn't feel anything. None of those cliche sparks or weak in the knees feelings whatsoever.
It made me upset. I mean it had me thinking, did I waste 5 years of my life obsessing over some guy that I don't -cliche-ly feel for?
Then when I pulled away I literally went weak in the knees and my stomach jolted like a freaking firecracker went off in there.
It was relief. The feeling itself was like... waking up on Christmas morning. It didn't help my butterflies that he smiled at me afterward and said bye.
Kevin and I had never come near to kissing in real life or dreams, or anything -not sexual but... physically attracted- to each other. Then the fact for the first time we kissed, -in a dream-, was a big deal.
I felt emotionally unstable.
Though I woke up at 4:18 am from the dream, I still felt like I was on cloud 9.
Though I started to worry when Kevin showed up late to school; but once I saw him I got this weird smile on my face.
That kiss felt so real! Like... like he felt it too.
Which is what I concluded when he didn't look at me all day; like something had happened.
12-14-13
I scrolled through my instagram while biting into yet another Russtle Stover chocolate.
I just finished wrapping about 15 presents... by myself -mostly-.
Before my shower I decided to relax, calm down.
Though the exact opposite happened when I saw a picture of Tate show up on my screen, but not on her profile.
"Good luck to this cutie today! #mine #beautiful #gametoday #goodluck"
I looked at the comments. "Awe thank you (: <3" From Tate. "Welcome!" With a smirk emoji from Dylan.
I don't think I was mad until it dawned on me that all Tate did when they were broken up is talk shit about him. Now look at him. He's wrapped around her finger... again!
Didn't help to see she's also his #1 best friend on snapchat. I wanted to hit myself in the face. He was kissing ass and she was urging him too.
Girls like her bug me.
I clicked off my instagram and snapchat and headed for the kitchen. I really need to get over the fad of Dylan. He's Kevin's best friend for goodness sake! Come on Selena be a bit more classy than that.
I mean true hot guys hurd together but shesh, didn't know it'd be this tempting.
12-17-13
"Sel I'm going to fail!" Bella tugged at her hair.
"If you say you're going to fail then you are." "But I am!"
"You're not Bella."
"You're lying Selena I know when you're lying."
"I'm not lying!" I swore.
"Yes I am! Sel I know when you're lying! I knew you were lying about liking you-know-who and I was right! I knew I was right because-" "Can we not talk about you-know-who when he's in the same building!" I hissed.
our desks were next to each other. But Dylan and Kevin sat behind me. Freaking fantastic!
While she was saying,
"No! You're lying Selena because I know you and your face says it all! I called it when you liked him! I was the first! who pointed it out? me! I knew you were in love with him and you denied it! And now you're lying about me passing!"
I was saying,
"Okay I'm not lying! I know you were the one that called it! I denied it yes but I later admitted it because you wouldn't shut up about it!"
Even the teacher let us be. Our arguing sounded more like- "You're lying! You so- liked him- Selena! Bella! Just admit that- No because- stop lying!" and a bunch of meshes in between.
we eventually stopped, but come on Bella did we have to talk about me liking Kevin when he's behind me?
Through our simalatanious rants, Dylan looked amused behind me. But that I just had to live with.
12-19-13
I remembered earlier during my 7th hour final Tristan was staring at me while I was talking to the teacher. Christian was nice enough to say, "Dude you're like staring at her."
Which I found as a compliment but that's not the point.
I sat there, waiting for iHeartRadio to open up. Once it did I clicked on Aly & Aj's radio.
Potential Breakup Song started to play.
In a way this was like if Kevin Brooks and Nick Carter had a love child then this would be the song that was inspired by their son.
Did that make sense? Not sure.
I had just gotten back from a kids program for Christmas. I had about a half hour until 2:30 when the kids started coming home.
I sighed.
I hadn't even gotten a chance to say goodbye to Kevin. I mean- would I even say goodbye? I wanted to. I mean, I wouldn't see him until January 7th, 2014.
Who knows what... about 19 days will do. Sure it's never done anything before but make me ache for any type of Kevin related topic. I don't know if it's because I have a book on the guy or am just in love with him, but why is it that I didn't feel- satisfied?- until I had something to do with him?
Is that a type of withdrawal? Like a drug thing? Kesha, Kevin Brooks was literally my drug. Not his love because he didn't love me. I wished he did.
Pieces of Me by Ashley Simpson started to play. This was definitely a song that fell into the Selena/Kevin category. Honestly, he was one of the stable things in my crazy life.
I know I only talk/share about school stuff. That's because I can't openly give my life out like that. But my life is very crazy and things are constantly changing. Like one day my aunt has a new boyfriend or my mom or someone. Or some crazy family drama pops up at the worst time. I probably have more downs than I do ups. But that's life I guess.
But like I said, things were constantly changing around me. But Kevin, he's the one stable thing I've had for 5 years. My best friend Scar moved. I barley like the friends I have now. Some I can't even stand. But it's like, sacrifices.
I thought I'd be the one with a great boyfriend and being all lovey-dovey not Scar. It's hard to imagine Scar like that nowadays. It's even scarier thinking about the end of the relationship. *shutter*
Let's not.
Because then I'd get arrested for murdering someone. "Excuse me your honor I plead innocent on the terms of this asshole breaking my best friend's heart"
Yeah that sounds like that will go down well while they're giving me my prison sentence.
I thought back to watching the season finale of Awkward.
The ending was- beyond words.
Here listen to the letter Jenna wrote her teacher. Actually, scratch that. Read the text of the last five minutes. This is me, Nick, Kevin, and life. Just... read.
"Thanks for the assignment. Somehow I feel like I got out some demons." Collin said, laying the 'Who I Want To Be' assignment on Mr. Hart's desk.
"Somehow I find that hard to believe."Â Jenna retorted.
Collin faced her. It was as if all the memories had come back. Mostly the bad ones. The ones where they had gotten caught with drugs, went to clubs, when he cheated on her. Everything was there right on his shoulder.
"So she speaks." He said raspily, turning to face Jenna.
"I do." She smiled, proudly. She was facing her very own demon right now... in front of Mr. Hart.
"Have you finally gotten past your, hatred of me?" He showed no emotion on his face, but he didn't have to. Deep down inside that asshole's soul, he was sorry.
"I don't hate you Collin." She clarified. "And believe me I've tried. But the truth is," His face looked almost pained.
"I can't hate someone I don't care about." Jenna smiled through the whole sentence, proud she could now say this and be honest.
His face fell. He shut his mouth and gulped, slightly nodding. He looked her over before walking out of the classroom quietly.
Who I want to be by Jenna Hamilton.
I had been struggling to think of what to say, so I stopped thinking. I was convinced I didn't know who I wanted to be. Then I realized, the answer is all around me.
I want to be someone who is willing to forgive. I wanna be someone that cares more about others than themselves. I wanna be someone who can tell it like it is. I wanna be someone who'd give up everything for the right reasons. I wanna be someone that sees the best in everyone. I wanna be someone who is a true friend. I wanna be someone who always tries to be a better person. And who learns from their mistakes. I guess just wanna be someone who incompetence's all those things. So I can finally be that girl that doesn't need a boy to be happy because I'll know how to dance all on my own.
Those two moments in Awkward really changed my perspective on things. I saw Collin as both Kevin and Nick. I can't hate Nick because I don't care about him.
In case you don't remember also, I had asked Kevin to dance last year and he had said yes but we never danced. Then he promised me one. Now I am keeping that promise in the back of my head until we go out but for now it's just there. But I didn't want to feel like I needed a guy to dance. And I was going to prove that - one day-.
Now to think of it, Kevin I can hate because I do care about him.
Now that I think about it, that's a good comeback.
"I hate you!" "You can only hate people you care about!"
Yup definitely using that one day.
But that day wouldn't be for a while. Kevin and I drifting apart seemed for the better, even though I know I'll fall right back into his trap January 7th. But hey, if I didn't, then what's the fun in being in love?
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