Chapter 51
Two heavy-hearted individuals sat face to face.
The desk was piled with scrolls of books, the ones she had been reading frequently lately. The candle under the lampshade burned a long way down, emitting a soft crackling sound, and the blue smoke hovered at the tip of the wick.
Li Wenjian wordlessly looked at her.
Meeting his gaze, she gradually lowered her eyes.
Silence lingered.
Li Wenjian spoke, "Forget it, if you don't want to speak, then so be it."
With her hands folded on her knees, Zhao Heng looked up at Li Wen Jian calmly, and replied, "Your Highness, lacks gentlemanly conduct."
Li Wenjian chuckled, "Tell me, how am I lacking gentlemanly conduct?"
"If Your Highness truly trusted me and Little Silang, you wouldn't have asked. To ask and then casually say forget it, doesn't that show a lack of gentlemanly conduct?" Zhao Heng blinked, speaking softly, "You can only be counted as half a gentleman."
Li Wejian smiled gently, "Just now in the Snow Garden, you and Little Silang exchanged a glance, as if he had enchanted your soul. I understand that one shouldn't ask if they fully trust, but seeing you lost in thought while wearing cold shoes and socks, I couldn't help but wonder what role Little Silang played in the years before I knew you, what kind of story existed between you, to share such a distant gaze."
"You're right, I am indeed lacking in gentlemanly conduct." Li Wejian tightened his lips, "But not asking is rational, asking comes from the heart. In that moment just now, my heart overwhelmed my rationality."
He looked down at her, a hint of apology in his eyes, "A Heng, Little Silang has been raised well and wouldn't do anything inappropriate. Neither would you. I only allow myself a moment of being less than a gentleman, I won't ask again."
The night breeze blew in through the window, fluttering his oversized sleeping robe, making his slender figure appear even more fragile. His voice was as gentle as usual, but now it carried a coldness akin to snow on pine needles, a fragility akin to being wronged, tugging at Zhao Heng's heart.
"It's late, you should sleep." Li Wenjian turned his head, preparing to leave.
Zhao Heng reached out to grab his sleeve, and as he lowered his head, his eyes met her glass-like gaze, bright even in the misty night, a testament to her strength.
"There's no story." She clutched Li Wenjian's sleeve tightly, gathering the soft fabric inch by inch in the palm of her hand, as if afraid it would slip away like quicksand. "There's no story between me and Little Silang."
Her voice was soft, with a touch of warmth, speaking gently and slowly.
"When I met him, his name was Bai Yu."
Li Wenjian's tense shoulders relaxed slightly.
"At that time, he couldn't talk yet, and was pushed into the lake by a group of eunuchs. I was in a daze and went to help him." Zhao Heng blinked, then continued, "After that, he would often come to the laundry area to find me."
"At that time... I had no friends, no family, and felt very lonely. He was a eunuch, and a mute. He was bullied every day, and I was just a speck of dust. He showed pity for me, and I pitied him too." Zhao Heng plucked a leaf from the boxwood branch on the desk, her voice slightly desolate, "One day he suddenly started speaking, and I was happy for him. Later, he told me his name was Bai Yu, he had been promoted by a noble person and had a decent position in the Eastern Palace. He helped me get in touch with my grandmother, and took care of her..."
"So you fell in love with him."
At these words, Zhao Heng turned her head, facing his handsome and dignified face, tasting a deeper bitterness from such a light statement.
"Your Highness, in my circumstances at that time, anyone as kind as him, I would have liked." Zhao Heng raised her face to look at Li Wenjian, speaking sincerely, her eyes quietly meeting his, "But in this long lifetime, you will meet many people, and not everyone will stay with you until the end."
Raising her chin slightly, Zhao Heng looked at the pot of golden osmanthus on the table, the trimmed sparse leaves with sparkling osmanthus flowers floating like scattered golden flakes.
"From the day I decided to enter the Eastern Palace, I have been walking away from this story. Today, I may already be able to face Bai Yu calmly." Her clear eyes reflected his image, "But I never expected to meet him again in such a situation. It feels like a duck that used to roll in the mud with you, soaring into the sky as an eagle."
Her eyes red, Zhao Heng bit her lip, burying her face in her arms, her voice trembling with barely restrained sobs, "I am shocked and relieved. He has a good temper, and I used to worry about him being bullied, but now I don't have to worry, no one can bully the young master of An's family. We both crawled out of the mud, and now we are doing better and better. I am happy for him."
The candlelight in the hall, though dim, illuminated Zhao Heng's face as she blinked, her watery eyes adding a soft glow.
As she cried, Li Wenjian remained silent, standing by her side, letting her quiet sobbing tear at his heart. He inexplicably remembered Little Silang's cautious expression under the willows by the lake before heading south. The sincere look of the young man now seemed shrouded in a layer of mist in his memory.
That evening by the lake at sunset, he cautiously asked himself what he would do if the person he liked had a lowly status.
Li Wenjian never cared about status and position, even now, walking into a trap because of a woman who had once been lowly, he no longer seemed like a gentleman.
If it weren't for that day, how would Zhao Heng and Little Silang's story have unfolded?
Perhaps Little Silang had already informed his family elders, preparing eagerly to welcome her as his wife. Her? Joyfully preparing to be a bride, instead of crying for past regrets with her face buried in her arms.
"A Heng, do you hate me?" Li Wenjian stood in front of her, his voice cool and clear.
"I used to." Zhao Heng looked up, the candlelight revealing her reddened eyes. After a pause, she added, "But how can I hate? In my most desperate moments, it was you who stood by my side, who silently accepted me, who showed me that I could stand tall. Your Highness, when I truly saw your compassionate and tender heart, all that hatred disappeared."
Seeing things from Your Highness's perspective, she understood his guilt.
In fact, she wanted to say, she didn't blame him.
She and Bai Yu, one was a palace maid, the other a eunuch, in her eyes, such a relationship was a perfect match, so she was able to interact with him calmly, accepting his care and attention.
If she had known he was Little Silang, she would have run away long ago. She was timid and afraid of trouble, would never dare to have even a bit of connection with him, let alone be together.
That was something she didn't dare to think about.
Even without His Highness, she and Little Silang would not have a story.
Because she was too weak.
It was her grandmother's death that gave her the courage to step into this whirlpool.
Li Wenjian remained silent.
Zhao Heng's long eyelashes were damp with tears, her voice quivering as she said, "Your Highness, don't feel guilty anymore. Everything has a cause and effect. In this matter, we are the result, what I hate is the cause."
Li Wenjian remained silent, his eyes lowered. After a long pause, he spoke slowly, "It's not."
Not guilt.
Zhao Heng looked up in surprise, her gaze questioning as she looked at Li Wenjian, "Not what?"
"Not guilt." Li Wen Jian said quietly, "It's liking, it's heartache, it's regret."
Confusion crossed Zhao Heng's face as she looked at him.
Dressed in a pure white sleeping robe, he stood before her, embodying a clean and pure beauty akin to a clear breeze and bright moon. He gently raised his lips under the moonlight, reflecting the moonlight that shimmered on the ground, casting a pale light on his profile, "Heartache for your experiences, regret for those years when another person accompanied you."
In the dim light, Zhao Heng's smile was not very distinct.
"But I still have many more years to live."
"A Heng."
He suddenly called her.
Zhao Heng turned to him and saw him lift his lips slightly in the moonlight, his tone lighter than before.
"Don't forget your words."
*
Coming out of the palace, An Xuzhi found a reason to separate from his family members. He didn't want to go home yet, so he found a secluded place with few people on the way, sitting for a long time, forcing his mind to calm down.
What had Zhao Heng experienced that day?
What had she been through in the past, and why was she by His Highness' side?
"His Highness is a good refuge, he is upright, kind, and ambitious. Many officials and ministers in the court are eager to send their daughters to the Eastern Palace, but he has not asked for anyone."
He kept A Heng by his side, he must really love her.
Her life has been turbulent and uncertain, having such a good refuge, he should be happy for her.
Thinking of this, he felt a mix of emotions, bitter and desolate.
The autumn wind blew from the river, he turned his face and looked up at the willow branches swaying in the wind.
The crisp sound of silver bells carried in the wind, a girl's dress lightly brushing as she quietly walked behind him.
Ning Wanzhi stared at his back for a moment, feeling as if a huge stone was blocking her heart.
An Xuzhi heard the bells stop behind him and suddenly understood something. He turned his head abruptly and saw the girl standing under the tree.
His eyes curved, as if bathed in moonlight, he called her name, "Xiao Ning, why haven't you gone home yet?"
Ning Wanzhi liked to see him smile, but at this moment, she didn't want him to force a smile for her sake.
Glancing at An Xuzhi's expression, Chang Liu said awkwardly, "I can't resist Miss Ning."
An Xu Zhi naturally understood Ning Wanzhi's temper, and he didn't blame Chang Liu. He stood up and said to Ning Wanzhi, "Let's go, I'll walk you back."
But Ning Wanzhi took a step back, handing him the pouch, her voice muffled, "I have been waiting for you, I wanted to give you this pouch. If you don't like it, you can tear it apart or throw it into the river. When I find someone I like in the future, I will make a new pouch for him. This was specially made by my aunt for you, it's not right to keep it for later to give to someone else."
He lowered his gaze to the indigo fabric, with lush bamboo embroidered on it. Holding it in his palm, it felt soft and smooth.
Perhaps afraid that he would throw the pouch into the river in front of her, Ning Wanzhi turned and walked away, saying, "You don't need to accompany me, I'll go home by myself."
Under the moonlight, she wore a flowing traditional costume, silver bells dangling from her wrists, making a pleasant sound. Gradually, the tinkling sounds were drowned out by the distant figures.
An Xuzhi held the pouch in his palm, staring at the flowing river, opening his hand several times but never had the heart to toss it into the lake.
He stood by the river bank for a long time, eventually tucking it into his chest and walking towards the An residence.
*
"Alright, stop crying." Li Nanxi peeled a segment of orange and fed it to himself, suddenly meeting Ning Wanzhi's teary eyes. She then handed her the clean orange piece.
Ning Wanzhi sniffled, lowering her head to eat the orange.
"You have not experienced the bitterness of love, you don't know how it feels." Ning Wanzhi turned her body, burying her head in Zhao Heng's fragrant and soft chest, tears flowing down, wetting her clothes in a moment.
Zhao Heng gently wiped the corners of her eyes with a handkerchief, unable to offer comforting words.
"Is it because I am not dignified enough that he doesn't like me?" The girl cried sadly, still leaning into Zhao Heng's embrace, "If I learn to be a lady, will he like me then?"
"No." Zhao Heng's voice was careful and gentle, leaning against the beauty leaning on her, gently stroking the girl's tear-dampened hair, looking down at the osmanthus flowers in the courtyard, "If he truly likes you, he wouldn't care whether you are a lady or dignified enough. Xiao Silang is blind... that's why he is leaving someone as good as you for someone else. You are fine as you are, don't change yourself for him. You are living happily now."
"If Xiao Silang likes me, I will be happier." She raised her head and blinked at Zhao Heng seriously, "Auntie, please don't speak ill of Xiao Silang. The person he likes must also be a good person."
She was so close, the sunlight outside the railing shining on her face, reflecting Zhao Heng's beautiful image in her eyes.
Xiao Ning is so good, so obedient and innocent, Zhao Heng hugged her and said, "Xiao Ning is good, Xiao Silang will regret it in the future."