(Listen to 'Say something' by A great big world:))
Xavier's pov
I sat there with my back against the seat as I prepared myself for the worst. I can't believe I am doing this. I can't believe I am trying to be selfless for once. For Liya.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice someone already standing in front of me. In front of the table.
I looked up and found her dark brown eyes looking at me with a spark in them. I could see that she had put in a lot of effort in her dress to look like she didn't put in a lot of effort.
I wanted to chuckle at her cuteness.
"Can I sit? She asked.
I nodded my head silently at her. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. To say a word.
I still can't believe how right Olivia was. Not only Olivia. I knew everyone thought so too. Including me. If I let Liya go she won't have to suffer so much. In the end, I was the cause of all her suffering.
As she sat down she looked at me expectantly. A smile on her face.
How much I want that smile to be there forever.
She put her hands on the table before crossing them, "Before you say anything, I want to make a few things clear."
I waited for her to continue as she took a deep breath before she put a smile on her face again, "I never dated Luke."
I froze in my spot as I looked at her confused. What did she mean that she never dated Luke?
"What?" I asked.
She nodded her head trying to purse her grin, "We never dated. It was all fake."
I felt happy. Her words just made me feel so happy that I wanted to grin and laugh it off with her but I can't.
I put on a hard cover on my face as I looked at her coldly, "And I should know?"
She seemed confused as she looked at me trying to figure me out, "What do you mean?" She asked trying to chuckle.
This. This was the moment I was most dreading. The moment I have to break it to her.
Why is it so early? Can't I enjoy my moments with her?
I clenched my jaw tight,
"I don't care whom you date Liya." I said harshly.
The spark in her eyes just a minute ago vanished just like that. Her smile disappeared. Just like that. Just like always I was the one to hurt her.
"W-we kissed Xavier." She said her voice coming out to be meek.
I could feel every inch of my body mentally paining as I looked at her looking at me this way.
I can't.
I can't look at her this way. I averted my eyes away from her as I closed my eyes and forced my next words out,
"So what? People kiss all the time." I said coldly.
Please. Please. Please help me. Help me from breaking in front of her. I can't. Not right now.
I was lying. I knew it. It wasn't just a kiss. Not for her. Not for me.
It definitely was much more.
She was silent as I moved my eyes towards her slowly. Her eyes. She was tearing as she tried not to cry.
I felt like someone was ripping my heart out as I looked at her this way.
"Didn't it mean anything to you at all?" She asked with pain in her voice.
I wanted to comfort her. Pull her closer to me and let her know that it was everything to me. But I sat there glued to my seat.
"No." I replied.
I wanted to yell out in frustration. What is happening? Why is it happening with us? Why can't we be like normal couples?
"Xavier?" She whispered. I looked at her as she searched my eyes for something, "Didn't you ever feel anything for me? Not even once?"
I did.
My feelings for you are so strong that I am willing to give up on you. For you. Because you deserve better. I love you so much that I am willing to stay away from you for the rest of your life if that makes you happy.
I can't ever forget our moments spent together. I know they are bitter but they are close to my heart.
I can't forget your first day of school as you stood there waiting for me. You were willing to change your clothes as I didn't like what you were wearing.
How can I forget that?
The way you barged into the chemistry class even though it wasn't yours. How you dared to enter the cafeteria alone even when it was against rules.
You always did things differently.
How can I forget?
Our time spent together at the amusement park. Our fight. Our deal.
And yet among these bitter moments. I Ioved all the moments spent with you. I realized my feelings late. And I regret it. I think that is why I am being punished.
To put you through so much.
"No." I said, "I never did."
Lie. For how long do I think I can keep this lie going on when all it is doing is clawing inside me. Leaving scars that won't heal.
I looked at her as I saw her taking a sharp intake of breath. Her eyes were wide as she tried to contain her tears.
She took deep breaths trying to keep calm.
I could feel every ounce of her pain. It was like she wanted me to feel her pain. Only if she knew that it was hurting me more than anything.
It felt like someone was willingly holding onto my heart tight. Squeezing it tight until I screamed out of pain.
"I am an idiot." I heard her say. She tried to laugh as she looked anywhere but me.
Liya.
My heart yearned to touch her.
"I am an idiot for holding onto you." She whispered finally.
The last piece inside me broke as I heard her say that. Isn't that what I wanted? For her to give up on me so that she could move on?
THEN WHY THE FUCK DID IT HURT?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE CRYING?
"Let's end this." She finally said before getting up and leaving. I watched her as she walked out on me.
She left. Just like I wanted her to. She never even once looked back.
I got up from my seat to get out of here. I hate it here. I need to get out. It was suffocating. But as soon as I got up I felt my legs give up as I fell down in my seat feeling numb.
Numb.
What a funny word. And yet it was better than the pain.
I tried to laugh as I looked around. The cafe was almost empty. I am so glad that I picked it.
"Are you alright?" One of the staff member asked me.
I pursed my lips as I tried to cover them up from quivering, "Why won't I? It's not like I just let go my love. It's not like I just stepped on two hearts to let the other move on. Be happy. I- I,"
I felt tears run down my cheeks. I wiped them off, "And look, I don't deserve to cry and yet here I am crying. This is the first time I am crying. And I don't even know why."
She just nodded her head at me in sympathy before going away.
I ran my hands over my eyes before finally stopping. I didn't do anything as I let them out. The tears. No matter how much I tried to hide them they came back. Demanding me to let them out.
So I did.
My heart was aching. And I couldn't do anything to help it. So I let it out by crying.
I deserve it. I deserve to suffer.
___
Love you all!
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