School has been out for over fifteen minutes. The hallway is empty, yet here I stand, still waiting for The Shrimp to show up. Iâm not sure what I would even ask her if she did show up. I just got a feeling when I saw herâa feeling that she was hiding something. Maybe itâs something she doesnât even realize sheâs hiding, but I want to find out what she knows. Why she hates Charlie so much. Why she hates me so much.
My phone rings. My father again. I press ignore, but then see that Iâve somehow missed a few texts. I open them, but none are from Charlie. Not that they could be, since I have her phone. Iâve simply accepted the fact that I still have a little bit of hope that this is all a joke. That sheâll either call or text or show up to laugh about it.
The most recent text is from Landon.
Get your ass to practice. Iâm not covering for you again, and we have a game in three hours.
I have no idea what move will be the most efficient use of my time. Surely practice wonât be, considering I couldnât care less about football right now. But if practice is where I normally am at this hour, I should probably be there in case Charlie shows up. After all, everyone seems to think sheâll be at the game tonight. And since I donât know where else to look or what else to do, I guess Iâll look for her there. Doesnât look like The Shrimp agreed to my request, anyway.
I finally locate the locker rooms, and Iâm relieved to find them empty. Everyone else is out on the field, so I use the privacy to search for the box I wrote about in the letters to myself. When I locate it at the top of the locker, I pull it down and take a seat on the bench, lifting the lid.
I flip quickly through the pictures. Our first kiss. Our first fight. Where we met. I finally get to a letter at the bottom of the box. Across the top is Charlieâs name, written in the handwriting Iâve come to recognize as my own.
I look around to ensure I still have complete privacy, and then I unfold the letter.
Itâs dated last week. Just one day before we lost our memories for the first time.
Charlie,
Well, I guess this is it. The end of us. The end of Charlie and Silas.
At least it didnât come as a surprise. Weâve both known, since the day your father was sentenced, that we wouldnât be able to move past that. You blame my father, I blame yours. They blame each other. Our mothers, who used to be best friends, wonât even speak each otherâs names out loud.
But hey, at least we tried, right? We tried hard, but when two families are torn apart like ours were, itâs a little difficult to look ahead at the future we could possibly have and actually be excited about it.
Yesterday, when you approached me about Avril, I denied it. You accepted my denial, because you know I never lie to you. Somehow, youâve always seemed to know whatâs going on in my head before I even do, so you never question whether or not Iâm telling the truth, because you already know.
And thatâs what bothers me, because you so easily accepted my lie, when I know you know itâs true. And that leads me to believe that I was right. You arenât seeing Brian because you like him. You arenât seeing him behind my back to get revenge on me. The only reason youâre with him is because youâre trying to punish yourself. And you accepted my lie, because if you broke up with me, it would relieve you of your guilt.
You donât want to be relieved of your guilt. Your guilt is your way of punishing yourself for your recent behavior, and without it, you wonât be able to treat people the way youâve been treating them.
I know this about you, because me and you, Charlie? Weâre the same. No matter how tough youâve been trying to act lately, I know that deep down you have a heart that bleeds in the presence of injustice. I know that every time you lash out at someone, it makes you cringe inside. But you do it because you think you have to. Because your father is manipulating you into believing that if youâre vindictive enough, people wonât touch you.
You told me once that too much good in a personâs life will stunt their growth. You said pain is necessary, because in order for a person to succeed, they must first learn to conquer adversity. And thatâs what you doâ¦you deliver adversity where you see fit. Maybe you do it to gain respect. To intimidate. Whatever your reasons, I canât do this anymore. I canât watch you tear people down in order to build yourself up.
Iâd rather love you at the bottom than despise you at the top.
It doesnât have to be this way, Charlie. Youâre allowed to love me, despite what your father says. Youâre allowed to be happy. What you canât allow is for negativity to choke you until we no longer breathe the same air.
I want you to stop seeing Brian. But I also want you to stop seeing me. I want you to stop trying to find a way to free your father. I want you to stop allowing him to mislead you. I want you to stop resenting me every time I defend my own father.
You act one way in front of everyone else, but at night when Iâm on the phone with you, I get the real Charlie. Itâs going to be absolute torture not dialing your number and hearing your voice before I go to sleep each night, but I canât do this anymore. I canât only love that part of youâthe real part of you. I want to love you when I talk to you at night and I also want to love you when I see you during the day, but youâre beginning to show two different sides of yourself.
And I only like one of those sides.
As much as I try, I canât possibly imagine how hurt you must be since your father went away. But you canât let that change who you are. Please stop caring about what other people think. Stop allowing your fatherâs actions to define you. Figure out what you did with the Charlie I fell in love with. And when you find her, Iâll be here. I told you before Iâll never stop loving you. Iâll never forget what we have.
But lately, it seems that youâve forgotten.
Iâve enclosed some pictures I want you to go through. Hopefully theyâll help remind you of what we could have again someday. A love that wasnât dictated by our parents or defined by our family status. A love we couldnât stop if we tried. A love that got us through some of the hardest moments of our lives.
Never forget, Charlie.
Never stop.
~Silas