Forgive
I was tired down to my bones. Not in the way where I had to sleep, though I was that as well, but a different type of tired. Drained. I'd barely had the energy to clean and wrap my hand. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep for the next few days. But my mind wouldn't be quiet.
I'd managed to satisfy myself with waiting until the morning to deal with the captives but there was another matter that was troubling me. Grant Adams. A part of me wanted to forgive him for what he did, after all it had been years and we were only kids. But I knew I would never be able to forget.
There was only one person I could talk to and it seems it would have to be tonight. I couldn't talk to Jason, or Lily, or Trina. They were family. I was never afraid to tell them anything but they couldn't begin to understand my problem. It was something none of them had experienced. None of them had ever been rejected. I knocked on his door.
I stood there for a minute. Maybe he isn't there or he's asleep. The door opened. "Kate?" Tristan asked softly. "What's wrong?"
"Can we talk?" I asked not answering his question.
He nodded and let me in closing the door behind him. "How's your hand?"
"It'll be fine in a few days, maybe a week." I sat on the edge of his bed. "This isn't about that, or the attack. It's about something that happened before."
Tristan sat next to me. "What happened?"
"Grant came to talk to me before the trip," I said softly looking out the window at the night sky. "He wanted to talk about him and me. About his rejection of me really. He wanted to explain to me."
"Explain what?" Tristan asked.
"Why," I answered. "All these years and all I ever had were seven words. Sorry babe, you just aren't my type. That's the only explanation I ever got for why this pack had betrayed me. Just seven words. And they weren't true. At least that's what he said."
"Did he tell you?" he asked. "The real reason?"
I nodded. "Control. When we first found out I had run. I wanted to put off dealing with it as long as I could. I never really like Grant. I'd put up with him because he was going to be my Alpha. The thought of being his mate... I couldn't comprehend it. So I ran up to my room. Grant had wanted to prove himself in control. He said his plan was to rescind the rejection a couple days later. But he told his father and..."
Tristan wrapped his arm around me. He knew how much the memory of what Holden had done stung me. "What else did he say?"
"That he was sorry, and that he wasn't proud of what he'd done. And he asked me if I could ever forgive him."
I wasn't sure what I had expected Tristan to say but "Can you?" wasn't it.
I thought for a long moment. "Would you?" I asked him turning to face him. "If she came back after all this time and asked it of you, would you give her your forgiveness?" I needed his answer. I wanted him to tell me what to do.
"I don't know," he said after his own moment of thought. "I wish I could tell you yes or no, give you a guideline like I have in the past but I can't. I know that's why you came to me, you wanted me to tell you what you should do. But I don't know what it is that you should do. You have to decide that for yourself."
"I don't think I can forget what he did," I whispered.
Tristan placed his hand on my cheek and I leaned into it. "He wasn't asking you too. You shouldn't forget. Even if you tried you probably couldn't. It's a part of you, Kate. You know that your memories shape you, mold you into the person you are. That memory is part of who you are today. Forgiveness isn't forgetting what's been done. It's remembering it and overcoming it. That's the real choice you have to make. Whether or not you can move past it."
I closed my eyes as I tried to sort through the storm his words caused in my head. "Kate," Tristan said and I opened my eyes. "Maybe don't think of it as if you forgive him you instantly jump to Lily and Jason. Start off as friends."
"You act as though the decision has already been made," I murmured. "You act like I've already chosen him over you."
Tristan gave me a sad smile. "That isn't those choice you're making. You know I would never do that. I would never stand in between mates. When you're making your decision don't worry about me."
He lowered his lips down to mine. It was a soft kiss, just a touching of the lips. When he pulled away he whispered, "I won't kiss you again until the decision is made, and only if it is what you want."
I blinked back moisture in my eyes. "Thank you Tristan. For the talk."
He gave me a smirk, "Who am I to say no when a lady says she needs me."
And there goes the moment. I rolled my eyes. "I said I wanted to talk. Never did I say I needed you."
He waggled his eyebrows. "I can read between the lines."
"Pig," I said.
He laughed for a moment before sobering. "Get some sleep Kate. You look dead on your feet."
I nodded and went back to my room. Questions plagued my mind. Could I really forgive Grant? Could I remember everything and move past it? I wish I had a tangible problem. Something I could hit or beat up to make it go away. Matters of the mind are not so easily vanquished.
For a while I thought I would never sleep but I must have because suddenly I was opening my eyes to dim sunlight. I got out of the bed feeling groggy and my mouth felt like I'd stuffed it full of cotton balls. I felt slightly better after taking a shower and brushing my teeth but I still had that feeling like I slept too long.
I didn't want to leave this room and face everything that waited on the other side of that door. However it seemed that the rest of the world would not give me that option because half an hour after I dressed someone knocked. It was an Omega, a low class of wolf but they are employed directly by the Alpha. I didn't recognize him from before but he seemed ecstatic at being the one to retrieve me. They were ready to interrogate the Rogues. The wolf led me down to the basement, I didn't really have the heart to tell him I knew where it was. He was young and his job still seemed exciting in his eyes.
I knew the feeling. I stored all of my emotions away. I had dressed the part. I wore all my gear. I knew I would be a fright to any stranger but that was the idea. "Thank you," I said to the wolf boy before descending the steps. I did recognize the man who stood at the base of the stairs. "Thomas Dirk," I said in way of greeting. He seemed startled that I knew him.
"Beta Greyson. I heard you returned." He wasn't cold but his tone was clear that we would not be friends. I was okay with that. I only knew him because his father was a warrior my father had been friends with. "Alpha Adams said you weren't to be near the Rogues."
I scowled and he swallowed nervously. "He may be your Alpha but he is not mine. I do not follow his orders. If you have such a moral issue with it run along and fetch your Alpha and I can tell him the same thing. Either way I shall be interrogating these Rogues."
I was putting him in a hard place. It wasn't his fault, he was just doing his job. I just had a job to do as well. He sighed. "I have to get the Alpha."
I pressed my lips in a line. "Good luck." I didn't wait for him to leave before I went to the first cage. Male wolf. Mid-thirties. "Good morning. My name is Kate Greyson, Beta of Fire Light."
"Am I supposed to be impressed?" the Rogue asked hatefully.
I almost smiled as I shook my head. "I am going to ask you some questions. You will answer each question truthfully. Do you understand?"
He spat at my feet. "I ain't answering nothing."
I sighed and grabbed the key to unlock the cage. "I think you misconstrued my words. You will answer my questions, completely and honestly. You do not have a choice in that. But you may choice whether I get my answers the pleasant way or the unpleasant way. But you will answer."
He glared. "Or what you'll kill me."
I pulled out a special dagger. One I used for this one purpose. I had crafted it myself. The metal of the blade was special, made of silver and Wolf's Bane. I'd found Silver was the only metal able to bond with the herb and maintain its poisonous aspect. "I'll make you wish I'd killed you," I promised him as I stepped into the cell.
I think Thomas Dirk must had lollygagged on his way to retrieving Grant because two hours later and I was still alone in the basement. But I'd finished interrogating the wolves. When they came down I was cleaning blood from my dagger, careful not to cut myself.
Despite my earlier words to Thomas Dirk I wasn't quite prepared to see Grant. I hadn't come close to making a decision about him and seeing him didn't help. Oh he wasn't earning himself many points either. He was livid, demanding to know just what I was thinking coming down here to confront my attackers. I told him none too kindly that I was in fact doing my job, thank you very much. I also wasn't very kind in telling him to get out of my way I had to brief my Alpha.
I knew that was a weak point for him. That he hated how I made of point of saying I obeyed another male, how I insinuated that Jason was stronger and more powerful. It insulted Grant's pride as an Alpha and as a mate. Maybe I am petty. Maybe I should have fought harder to stay away because there is not outcome where Grant and I are together. I don't really know what my future holds but I know that when I look grant isn't there.
I thought about Tristan for a brief moment. Do I see myself with him? Sure, but not romantically. The thing about Tristan and I, what we felt for each other was strong, but it wasn't really love. We both knew that. For Tristan there had only ever been one girl who would hold his love. And I wasn't the type to love romantically. I wasn't the type to grow old with someone else, to have a family with someone else.
I pushed away the thoughts from my mind. I need to report to Jason. I took a guess and figured he'd be hard at work. So I went to the Alpha office. Jason was there. "We need to talk."
"Is it about how Alpha Adams is shadowing you?"
I shook my head. "Grant you may as well come in. I'm sure you would like to know about the Rogue attack on your land." Grant came in. "The Rogue attack was organized."
"We figured that," Grant interrupted.
I glared. "Those Rogues were following orders. Tell me, when was the last time you heard of that Alpha Adams?"
"Kate," Jason said bringing my attention to him. "Following orders? Whose orders?"
"They don't know," I answered.
"They don't know or they didn't say?" Grant asked in a tone I knew. Judgement.
I growled in the back of my throat. "If they knew they would have told me."
"How do you know?" he challenged.
"Because I asked nicely," I growled back trying not to hit him. Jason put his hand on my shoulder. I looked at him and sighed. I nodded that I would control myself. "The Rogues were sent to that mall for a reason. Jase they were there to kidnap Lily."
I watched his body stiffen before a growl echoed around the room. Then the room moved. I was confused for a moment as I realized I was now look at Grant's back. In half a second he'd moved me so he was between me and Jason. He was protecting his mate from a perceived threat. I linked Lily for just long enough to tell her to come to the Alpha's office.
She must have been close because a few seconds later she appeared. Jason pulled her to him. It always broke my heart a little to see them together like that. Pure love. Jason wrapped his arms protectively around her and she would pressed a hand to his face and as far as they were concerned no one else existed. My heart would ache because I knew that I would never feel that sort of love. The love where it could feel like there was only that other person and nothing else mattered.
I turned away from the scene and the pain. I grabbed Grant's arm and pulled him from the room just as the couple's lips met. He caught the doorknob and pulled the door close as we left. "Are you okay?" he asked gently.
I knew he probably read something in my face. "Fine," I lied turning away.
He touched my cheek turning it back. "Katrina, what's wrong?"
I took a step away. "Please stop acting like we're mates." He opened his mouth to protest but I didn't give him the chance. "I understand that we're supposed to be, in another life we would be, but in this one we aren't." I sighed. "But all of this fighting is useless. So can we maybe just try getting along? At least for the next few weeks?"
He nodded. "Does this mean you forgive me?"
"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "It's complicated." I hated saying that. I hated having things be complicated. "One step at a time. Maybe we can try working up to friends."
He smiled. "Friends. That's as a good a place as any to start."
And it's an upgrade from anything we've ever had between us, I thought. Out loud I said, "Just don't assume this means when my business here is done that I'll stay. My home is at Fire Light. So is my family."
"Not all of your family," Grant said. "Tyler's here."
I laughed humorlessly. "Tyler hates me. I don't think that will ever change."
"I could order him to-"
"No," I cut him off harshly and he looked bewildered. "He has a right, and I know that. Leave him be." Grant nodded. "I've got to go."
"Where?"
"Work," I answered. "I'm not here just to reconnect. I came here for a reason." And Trina's training. The only reason I'm acting as a trainer is keep an eye on her. I left Grant in the hallway and made my way down to the pack to find Tyler there watching Trina. "She won't be happy if she sees you watching her."
"And if she sees you watching her?" he asked. "I see how you are around her, you're watching her too."
"It's my job," I answered. "It's my job to take care of her, protect her. Just like it was my job to protect you when we were kids."
"You left," he said but it lacked his usual anger. "How was leaving protecting me?"
"You didn't need me anymore. You did pretty well on your own." I turned to face him. "Trina still needs me." He looked away from her as well. "I am sorry," I told him. "For never calling or contacting you."
"Why didn't you?" he asked. "Over seven years, why didn't you ever contact us?"
I knew I would have to answer this question eventually and I knew my answer. "At first I couldn't. I knew if I did it would be too easy to come back and I wasn't ready. When I finally thought I could handle it I checked up on you guys. You had just become Beta and Alex was finishing college. You all seemed to be doing fine. I was worried that if I contacted I would open up a can of worms that you seemed to have close. So I told myself to leave you be and let you live your life."
"You didn't think that I'd like to see my sister again?" he asked. "No matter how adjusted I seemed?"
I shook my head. "You didn't seem too thrilled to see me when we showed up."
"I was angry," he rebutted.
"Was?"
"Can't stay angry forever, right?" He gave me a smile.
I tried to smile back but couldn't. "You know I can't stay, don't you. I'll have to go home eventually."
He turned grim. "Yeah. You've got a new pack. And a new family."
His tone was...jealous. I blinked. "I have a new pack, but I didn't create a new family to replace you."
"You said that Alpha Greyson is your brother," he pointed out.
I sighed, "He is. He took me in where anyone else would tell me to get as far away from them as possible. But he didn't replace you, Tyler. I didn't replace you with a new family. My family grew. There is a difference. Jason and the others, as much as I care for them it didn't stop me from missing you guys. The one good thing about Jason bringing me back here is that I got to see you and Alex and our parents with my own eyes."
I wanted to hug him but I wasn't sure if he'd want me to, or let me. So instead I asked the very question Grant had asked me yesterday. "Could you ever forgive me?"
He was silent and his expression unreadable for a long moment. Then his arms were around me. "Yeah," he said. "I can." I smiled and hugged him back.
"You could try to be a little shorter," I said in his shoulder. "Since you are my baby brother."
He growled playfully and pulled away. "I'm only a year younger than you. And I'm twenty-two. I'm not a baby anymore."
I shook my head. "You'll always be my baby brother, Ty. Might as well accept it." I reached up and ruffled his hair before going outside to join Trina. "How much of that did you see?" I asked her softly enough so only she heard.
"The hug," she answered. "I guess he's not angry anymore?"
I shook my head, "I imagine he still is. Forgiving me for leaving isn't the same as no longer being angry about it."
"But he forgave you?"
I smiled. "I think he did."
She was silent for a moment. "Does this mean you can forgive Grant?"
I jerked back at her words. "How do you know about that?"
"I heard you and Tristan talking last night," she answered unashamed. "Can you?"
I sighed. "Honestly? I still have no idea. But..." I glanced back at Tyler for a second. "If Tyler can forgive me maybe I can try to forgive Grant."