Chapter 259: Book 4 Chapter 25: Interstellar Allergies

“It feels weird that a school cafeteria is serving caviar in the first place,” Samson said.

“There’s a lot of rich kids on campus,” Hawke said. “Every now and then the vendors spring for fancy stuff to remind the rich kids to spend their parents money on it.”

“Oh, so they can spring for fish eggs but not help the school’s budget,” Samson said. The vendors were technically independent from the school, so they could still get luxury items on their own initiative. Hawke and Samson were not there on behalf of a budget crisis either way. Hawke was there to watch out for any contaminants and potential daily doomsdays in the imported caviar, and Samson was there because he wanted to try caviar. He didn’t get a lot of chances to try stuff like that.

The two entered the dining hall and found a surprisingly long line for the place serving caviar. Apparently a lot of other people were just as curious as Samson, and at the very end of the very long line was a very familiar face.

“Helena.”

“Samson,” Helena sniped back. Hawke was perfectly happen to be left out of the staredown.

“So what’s the plan today, poison everyone with the caviar?”

“Shockingly, Samson, my plan for the caviar is to eat the fucking caviar,” Helena said. “I’m curious.”

“Isn’t it probably going to kill you?”

“Yes, that’s why I’m doing it now,” Helena said. She often used the first loop to experiment with food that would kill her, a category which included most food. “I promise there is absolutely nothing else going on, just me and a weird desire to eat fish eggs.”

“It is pretty weird, yeah.”

“Don’t pretend you’re not here for the same damn reason, Samson.”

“I am-”

“Enough,” Hawke said. “Look, if we’re all just here to eat some food, there’s no reason we need to argue.”

“I can think of a few good reasons,” Samson said.

“And even more bad ones, probably,” Helena said.

“God,” Hawke sighed. “Samson, let’s just wait for more people to show up and then get in line when there’s more space between us and her.”

“Fine by me.”

Samson crossed his arms, took a step back, and waited. After a solid five minutes of waiting, nobody had showed up, joined by his friends fuck-all and jack-shit.

“I think you’re scaring people off,” Samson said.

“Or there’s just a limited audience for caviar,” Helena said. Curiosity could only compel so many people to eat raw fish eggs.

“Well, seems like we’re stuck together, so let’s just try and-”

Hawke stopped himself and stared at Helena mid-sentence.

“Helena, do any of your numerous medical conditions make your hair float?”

She raised a hand to brush a floating strand of her thing hair.

“If one does, apparently it’s contagious,” Helena said. She pointed at Hawke and Samson. While their hair was much shorter, it was still floating as if freed from the constraints of gravity. Hawke ran a hand through his drifting hair.

“Oh, wait, I know what this is,” Hawke said. “Everyone hold your breath.”

“Why, what’s-”

Samson failed to hold his breath, and the air in his lungs did not get teleported with him when he was forcibly pulled through space. He doubled over and started wheezing as he tried to refill his lungs.

“Oh, don’t act like this is your first time being unable to breath,” Helena said. She’d shut her mouth as soon as Hawke had warned her. She hadn’t lived this long by not holding her breath when told to.

Samson did not need to be able to breath to be able to extend a middle finger in Helena’s direction. After a few hacking breaths to fill his lungs with breathable atmosphere again, Samson got his bearings and examined his new surroundings. They were no longer surrounded by the verdant greenery and modern buildings of the Einstein-Odinson campus, instead surrounded on all sides by dusty gray landscapes and small patch of makeshift huts -and an army of ankle-high purple aliens.

“Oh, hey little dudes,” Samson said.

“Greetings, compatriot of the warriors!”

“What the fuck are these?” Helena said, as she looked down at the Rogorians. “And where the fuck are we?”

“Long story.”

Descending from the sky like a drifting feather, Vell Harlan landed a few feet away, kicking up a cloud of dust as he impacted.

“Hey. Guess we don’t need to be that close to all get teleported,” Vell said. He pointed past a nearby hill. “I did show up way over there, though.”

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“Fantastic, start explaining the long story,” Helena said.

“No,” Vell said. “Not while you’re helping a supervillain. The only thing you need to know is that we’re super far from Earth, and these little guys need our help.”

Vell pointed down at the waving pincers of the Rogorians, who cheered at his acknowledgment.

“For many generations have we summoned the Hayoo-Man warriors in our time of need,” the Rogorian chief cried. “And always have our prayers been answered! Blessed are we that four mighty warriors have come to our aid this day!”

“Right, right, we are happy to answer your call,” Vell said. “You remember us, I assume, Vell and Hawke. This is my friend Samson, and our...associate, Helena.”

“Hail Warrior Shamon! Hail Ass-Ate Hellyno!”

“Excuse me?”

“They don’t pronounce human names well, don’t take it personally,” Vell said.

“Yeah, it’s nothing personal, Ass-Ate,” Samson said. Helena rolled her eyes.

“This should be a quick in-and-out adventure,” Hawke said. “This planet has super low gravity, among other things, so an apocalypse on this world is basically a minor inconvenience to us.”

To demonstrate his point, Hawke picked up a large boulder with one hand and tossed it aside as casually as one would a crumpled ball of paper. Even with a light toss, the boulder sailed over the horizon and out of sight.

“Speaking of the different conditions,” Vell said. “How are you feeling, Helena?”

She took a deep breath and looked down at her hands.

“I feel...fine,” Helena said.

“Great, so if you want to come along we’ll probably just-”

Helena grabbed on to Vell’s arm so tight he could feel his circulation getting cut off.

“Vell. I feel ‘fine’,” Helena repeated. “I’ve never felt fine.”

She released Vell, took a few steps forward, and took another deep breath.

“Lower atmospheric pressure is helping with lung capacity,” Helena said. She tapped her chest twice. “Same with blood pressure.”

After a few seconds of curious examination, Helena unbuckled herself from Kraid’s brace and took a cautious step forward. To her surprise, she didn’t fall on her face without any support. It barely even hurt. The lower gravity allowed her to stand on her own, and alleviated pressure that usually crippled her joints.

“Uh, Helena, are you sure this is okay?”

In response, Helena did a quick lap around the Rogorians village, kicking up a cloud of alien dust as she went. The tiny aliens cheered for her impressive (by their standards) display. In human terms, Helena was still a lousy sprinter. It was her first time, after all.

“Holy shit,” Helena said. She was already out of breath, but she did not feel on the brink of death. “Does it always feel that good to move so fast?”

“Kind of,” Vell said.

“I’m glad you’re having a good time, Helena,” Hawke said. “But-”

“Shut up,” Helena commanded. She looked around at the dusty plains. “Is there water on this planet? I have always wanted to know what swimming really feels like.”

“I don’t think so,” Vell said. “But-”

“Ugh, just my luck,” Helena said. “I can jump though, right? What’s jumping feel like?”

Rather than wait for an answer, Helena jumped and found out for herself. Landing hurt her knees, but her legs didn’t immediately buckle under her own weight, which was nice. Her impact kicked up another cloud of dust, and she waited for it to settle.

“Eh, kind of overrated,” Helena said. “I like running though, running’s nice.”

“Helena, I think you need to slow down,” Vell said.

“Slow down? Slow down?” Helena scoffed. “This is the first time in my life I can speed up! I’m lucky to go faster than a hobble and you want me to-”

“Hey, speed demon,” Samson interjected. “You’ve got hives.”

Helena looked down at her legs and found them to be covered in red rashes, and a quick examination of her arms showed the same. She scratched at her neck and found that small bumps were beginning to form.

“Oh come on,” she whined. “I can’t even get this one thing?”

“I think you might be having a reaction to the dust,” Vell said.

“No shit.”

“So, do you have, uh, an epipen, or something?” Vell continued. “Is there anything we should do?”

“Yes, actually,” Helena said, as the hives reached her face. She pointed to the ground right in front of her. “Samson, stand right there.”

“Okay, got it,” Samson said. “What next?”

Next, Helena flopped forward, practically knocking Samson over. He caught her on reflex and tried to hold her upright.

“Okay, now would be a good time to explain what’s next,” Samson said.

“Samson,” Hawke said. “There is no next step. She’s dead.”

“What the- seriously?” Samson said. He dropped Helena’s swollen corpse into the dirt. “She did that on purpose!”

“Obviously, yeah,” Hawke said. “You really should’ve seen that coming.”

“I just feel like I’d be an asshole for not helping the handicapped chick, you know?” Samson said. “Better to have some take advantage of my kindness than resent my cruelty, right?”

“It’s a good instinct,” Vell said. “But let’s focus on helping the Rogorians.”

The sound of clicking claws nearby reminded Hawke and Samson that they were not alone on the dusty ball. A horde of Rogorians had gathered and were staring curiously at Helena’s dead body. It now occurred to Vell that the tiny aliens had probably never seen a human die before.

“Warrior Va-Ell,” the Rogorian leader said. “Why has Ass-Ate Hellyno stopped moving?”

“She’s in, uh…”

“Battle meditation,” Samson said. “She’s going to aid our heroics from afar with her psychic powers.”

The Rogorians cheered for the lie, and Vell made sure to move on before any more questions got asked.

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Much to everyone’s chagrin, Helena was back in the lair the next morning.

“So. Any way for me to not get abducted by aliens today?”

They were still going to get sucked through space to the Rogorian homeworld today. Rogorian apocalypses were usually quick and easy, but the prospect of Helena having a deadly allergic reaction to their planet’s soil did raise the stakes a bit.

“Not that we know of,” Vell admitted. Helena looked angry for exactly half a second before Vell continued. “But we do have a plan.”

That calmed Helena down, for good reason.

“I came up with it myself,” Samson said.

That got Helena riled up again, for good reason.

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“Welcome, mighty Hayoo-Man warriors,” the lead Rogorian said. “We beseech- pardon me. This one is a Hayoo-Man, yes?”

The Rogorian pointed to a large mass of yellow plastic, reinforced duct tape, and piping. They’d had to modify the hazmat suit slightly to ensure Helena had a suitable quantity of safe air to breath, making the cumbersome suit even more clunky and awkward. The hazmat golem pointed a middle finger in their direction, but the Rogorians did not understand the gesture enough to be offended by it. It also took exactly thirty seconds for the stiff suit to successfully form the gesture, further reducing the impact.

“Yeah, there’s a human in there, that’s just a battlesuit that enhances their strength,” Samson said. “This is our associate, Helena.”

“Ah, hail Ass-Ate Hellyno!”

Helena took another thirty seconds to extend her middle finger, and this time she kept it extended. She was going to need it.