Chapter 199: Book 3 Chapter 34.2: Art Lovers

“I know we probably have higher priorities right now,” Adele signed. “But I have to say-”

“Is it about the hair?”

“It’s about the hair,” Adele continued. “You really aren’t butch, Lee.”

“I’m not trying to be butch,” Lee snapped. “It’s just short! Are you done, or do I need to put on a hat?”

“Oh no, that’d be so much worse,” Harley said.

“Yeah, your look is like, stylish office chic,” Adele said. “Like a sexy businesswoman.”

“That’s the look my parents wanted me to have,” Lee grumbled. “Overdressed, buttoned up, and traditional.”

“You made it work for you,” Adele signed. “It sure worked for me, at least.”

Adele sighed, Lee went red in the face, and Harley started to feel a lot like a third wheel. She started to wonder how she might make an exit from the awkward situation when the universe provided salvation in one of Harley’s favorite forms: a naked woman. A pale woman with curled black hair was marching towards them in a very determined straight line.

“Well hello to you too,” Harley said. “Adele, this anyone you recognize?”

“Yep. Truth Coming Out of Her Well.”

“Well, with luck the well won’t be the only thing she’s-”

The painted woman raised her hand, and for the first time, Harley noticed she had a long cat o’nine tails in her hand. That was not necessarily a negative for Harley, but the fact that it was racing in her direction made it into one. The first blow was thankfully not hard enough to draw blood, but it still hurt like hell.

“Ow! What the fuck, lady?”

“Oh, right, the full title is ‘Truth coming out of her well to shame mankind’,” Adele said. “I guess you’re getting shamed.”

To continue the shaming, Truth went for another blow. Her whip was met by Lee’s whip going the other way, intercepting the strike and tearing the weapon from her hand.

“That’s enough of that, Truth,” Lee said.

“You’re thinking of how to get a second chance with Adele,” Truth said flatly.

Lee was so caught off guard she dropped her whip to the ground.

“What?”

“Lee…”

“She’s trying to think of a polite way to tell you she’s seeing someone else,” Truth said.

“What?” Lee repeated. Adele grit her teeth and tried to force herself to smile.

“Well, I guess she really is Truth,” Harley said.

“You’re trying to distract them.”

“Nice try, Truth, but that was obvious,” Harley said. While it was true she was trying to distract her friends, she was failing.

“You’re dating someone else?”

“It’s been a year, Lee,” Adele signed. “People move on.”

“But she didn’t,” Truth said.

“Would you stop that?” Adele snapped. “Fine, I carried a torch for a while, and hoped you’d come around. And you did. But not for me.”

Last year, Lee had dumped Adele to pursue the plan of appeasing and one day replacing her parents. Adele had been upset, but sympathetic. Then, a few weeks ago, Lee had dramatically exploded that plan, all for the sake of someone else.

“I am-”

Adele stopped herself to glare briefly at Truth, and prevent her from interjecting -and to remind herself she had to tell the truth here.

“I’m a little jealous that your friends are more important to you than I was,” Adele signed. “But I get it. I’m not mad, and the jealousy is my thing to work on. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I don’t think that’s entirely true,” Lee said. “I’m sorry if I made you feel unimportant to me. I’m afraid I just don’t have Vell’s gift for staying on good terms with my exes.”

“It is weird how good he is at that,” Adele signed.

“Hey, cut that out,” Truth said. “You’re supposed to be in denial and trying to lie about your feelings to each other!”

“We’re not that stupid even when there is a magic truth-telling painting lady in arm’s reach,” Lee said. “In this group of maladjusted freaks we communicate openly and honestly!”

“Only most of the-”

“Okay, only most of the time,” Lee said. “But we try! Most of the time.”

“Can’t you just magic her to shut up?” Adele asked.

“I could. Or I could simply remind her of that fact, in case she tries anything again,” Lee said. She flexed her hands and showed off a quick flare of magic power. “And remind her to maybe put some clothes on too.”

“Don’t pretend you’re not enjoying this.”

“Yes yes, I’m a lesbian, everyone knows that too,” Lee said. “I’ve seen better.”

Adele raised an eyebrow. Lee pointed at Harley.

“I’ve been rooming with her for weeks,” Lee said. “I’ve seen her naked around a dozen times now.”

“You’re so damn quiet I keep forgetting you’re there,” Harley said. “I’m used to it just being me and Botley, and he clanks when he moves.”

“Sure. Speaking of, Truth, is what she just said true?”

“Yes.”

“Told you,” Harley said proudly. “I’m not inconsiderate, I’m just stupid!”

“Fine, you win,” Lee said. “Come on, Truth. And try not to speak unless spoken to.”

“Yes, I’m sure you’d like that,” Truth said. “After all-”

“Oh for god’s sake,” Lee said. “In fairness, Adele, I was actually on a date earlier today as well, so I’m sorry for acting so surprised at you moving on too.”

“I get it.”

“Happy now, Truth?”

“No.”

“Well then shut up and deal with it,” Lee said.

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“Is this how bulls are supposed to look?”

“I cannot even begin to describe how much they are not supposed to look like that,” Himiko said.

Himiko and the recently-animated Mona Lisa were both taking cover while Kim wrestled with something that was vaguely bull-adjacent. The living paint was was barely constructed in the shape of a bull, and had odd, misshapen anatomy jutting out at odd angles. It seemed to shift slightly every time Himiko took a new look at it. She wasn’t much of an artist, but she knew that could only be a Picasso.

“Kim, are you doing okay?”

“I’m alright, yeah,” Kim said. The misshapen bull was not much threat to her, but it vexed her in other ways. “I’ve tried to break its neck in like three different directions and it won’t die.”

The artistic license applied to the bulls anatomy ran deep, and none of Kim’s attempted killing blows were actually killing. She had tried to break its neck, crack its skull, and shatter its spine, and every blow had just shifted the bulls anatomy to some weird new angle. The abstract beast had gotten so twisted that if not for the horns currently jutting out from the bull’s nose, Kim would have no idea which end of it was the head.

“Do you have a sword? You could decapitate it!”

“No, Mona, I do not have a sword,” Kim said. Given her skills with any weapon but her fists, a sword would not be a responsible choice.

“Rats. Ah! I saw St. George earlier, perhaps we can make us of his dragon-slaying expertise!”

“Who and what?”

“Wait! I think I got it,” Kim said. “You guys might want to look away.”

“Why, what- Holy shit!”

Himiko averted her eyes too late, but the sound of distressed mooing filled her ears, letting her imagine the horrors she had turned away from. After a few seconds, the mooing stopped, and Himiko dared to look back at Kim. Her robotic friend was currently appraising a basketball-sized blur of black and white that was still mooing softly.

“What the fuck did you do?’

“I kind of...folded it up,” Kim said. Even she wasn’t entirely sure how it had worked. “I figured since it was bending and twisting all over the place already I could sort of just ball it up so all the dangerous bits were on the inside.”

“Well that is horrifying,” Himiko said. “Do we want to bring that back as test subject for Lee?”

“I think Adele would get mad at me if she saw that,” Kim said. She definitely felt like she’d done something wrong, though that may have had more to do with the fact the bull orb was still rolling gently from side to side and mooing mournfully. “Let’s just get out of here.”

“I sure hope that thing can’t actually feel pain,” Himiko said.

“Oh, I hope so too,” Mona agreed. “I had pain a few minutes ago, I didn’t like it.”

“Oh yeah, the first couple hours are rough,” Kim said. “You’ve barely done anything, so it feels like every bad thing that happens is the worst thing that’s ever happened.”

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

“Ah, but it is true the other way as well,” Mona said with a smile. “Everything good that happens is so much better! Like meeting you!”

Mona giggled, and Kim’s screen went blue again. After a moment’s hesitation, she stepped back, and pulled Himiko with her.

“Himiko, is the Mona Lisa flirting with me?”

“A little, yeah,” Himiko said bitterly.

“Oh. Am I flirting with the Mona Lisa?”

“A little, yeah,” Himiko said, even more bitterly.

“Oh. Sorry, I didn’t realize-”

“It’s fine,” Himiko said, proving Lee’s assertion that these freaks did, in fact, communicate honestly. “I kind of figured you’re just clueless.”

“It’s a good thing I am clueless or I’d be offended by that,” Kim said. “I’m still sorry. It’s just kind of nice to talk to someone else who gets what it’s like to feel...new.”

All of Kim’s friends were sympathetic to the differences she faced, but it was nice to have someone who actually understood those differences. Getting thrust headfirst into conscious existence had been like getting thrown into a whirlpool with no swimming lessons. She’d come out alright, but she enjoyed having someone who could genuinely sympathize with the struggles.

“Just try to keep it a little less flirty when you’re already on a date,” Himiko said. “I know Harley’s probably given you a warped perspective on how common polyamory actually is, but most people aren’t into it.”

“It sure doesn’t feel that way,” Kim said. She had actually done the math, and Harley had slept with at least one percent of campus. Which didn’t sound like a lot, but on a campus of several thousand, it was statistically significant.

“And, uh, speaking of being on a date,” Himiko mumbled. “I think maybe it’s time we admit we aren’t.”

“Yeah. Nothing personal, it’s just, you’re a cat person, I’m a synthetic lifeform with a supercomputer brain,” Kim said. “And a dog person.”

“Truly an irreconcilable clash of personalities.”

“Glad we agree,” Kim said. “Now, one last bit of advice, how do we end an awkward post-date conversation.”

“I could point out that your new girlfriend’s about to get eaten by a big chinese dragon,” Himiko said.

“Hello, friend!”

Kim stood and disappeared in a blur.

“Not friend, Mona! Not friend!”

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“Welcome, welcome,” Lee said. “I see you’ve met the Mona Lisa.”

“Oh, you know me as well? Are you friends?”

“Yes, Mona,” Kim said. “These ones are friends.”

Mona happily introduced herself, and Lee shook her hand. She then took some time to notice Kim’s absence of a hand. Kim extended the bitten-off stump and answered the unspoken question.

“Dragon,” Kim said. “We’ve been teaching Mona the difference between friendly and unfriendly.”

“Unfriendly usually has sharp teeth,” Mona recited. Given that her existence would be temporary, Kim had opted for the barebones basics of avoiding maulings.

“Good start,” Lee said. “Our only new recruit is a bit more...problematic.”

“She thinks I’m an asshole,” Truth said. They’d gotten Truth to put a shirt on, but getting her to shut up was a much more herculean task.

“I do and I’ll say it plainly, thank you,” Lee said.

“Well Mona’s nice, so we even out,” Kim said. “How’s that spell of yours going?”

“Theoretically viable,” Lee said. “Practically...complicated.”

Harley was not around to comment on the dramatic pause, but Kim didn’t like it much either.

“Complicated how?”

“She has to murder me,” Truth said.

“I don’t have to,” Lee clarified. “There’s just a practical reality that undoing the spell that got them out of the painting would put them back into it, and render them inert once again. A process which would, in effect, kill the subject. Which wouldn’t necessarily be problematic, except that our only two viable subjects are, well, sapient.”

Lee glanced nervously between Truth and Mona, who both seemed fully intelligent and aware. Though the loopers allowed themselves some moral flexibility on the first loop, they stuck to a self-imposed rule of never killing anything intelligent.

“I have Harley looking for new subjects as we speak,” Lee said. “There’s enough little Hieronymus Bosch creatures running around we should be able to find some alternative.”

“You could go grab the bull-ball,” Himiko suggested.

“Bull-ball?”

“Don’t ask,” Kim said. “That’d be even worse going the other way. I’ll just find Harley and help her get something else.”

“You might want to hurry if you intend on catching up with Harley,” Adele advised. “She heard that ‘Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife’ got loose and got a little too excited.”

“Is that a problem, why- ugh,” Kim said. A quick brain google had turned up some NSFW results. “I really got to get some safesearch options in my brain. Later.”

“Goodbye, Kim,” Mona said. “Stay away from anything with sharp teeth!”

“Will do, Mona,” Kim said. “And while I’m gone, listen to Lee. She’s the smart one.”

Mona nodded happily, and then immediately pivoted to look in Lee’s direction.

“Just have a seat and relax, I guess,” Lee said. Mona did so. Shortly thereafter, Himiko took a seat and started readjusting her arms. Lee sat down, and then Adele did as well, at a bench a few feet away from Lee. Aside from the occasional metallic clinking from Himiko’s arm repairs, the room was quiet.

“You’re all being very awkward,” Truth said.

“We know,” said all of them.

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“You caught a cheetah?”

“I’m very fast, Hawke,” Kim said. “And Harley helped.”

“And by ‘helped’ she means the cheetah ran into me,” Harley said. “Not very good at steering while fleeing from a freaky metal lady chasing after it.”

After returning the escaped wildlife painting back to Lee, she had confirmed her spell would work. From there, it had been a short wait to the end of the loop and on to the next one. Kim had been happy to catch up with the two loopers who’d missed most of the action.

“What were you guys up to the whole time?”

“Being a puddle, mostly,” Samson said. “I got stepped on.”

“Some prussian guy with a bunch of fancy armor and feathers stabbed me,” Hawke said. “Some military painting, I guess.”

“Oh. Sorry about that.”

“Eh, I’ve had worse days,” Samson said.

“Same,” Hawke agreed. “How about you guys? The dates go well?”

"Well one date went very well, but not the one they intended,” Harley said. “Kim was trying to fuck the Mona Lisa.”

“I was a perfect lady about it, thank you,” Kim said. “And despite your best efforts, Mona never learned what sex is, so wouldn’t have happened anyway.”

“You flirted with a painting?”

“She was out and about,” Kim said. “And surprisingly pretty for a lady with no eyebrows.”

“Painting’s still on campus, if you want to pop her out for date two,” Harley said.

“Eh, I’ll be alright,” Kim said. Talking to a similarly synthetic lifeform had been nice, but she wasn’t about to deface a world treasure about it. “She was a little naive for me. Kind of cute, but I don’t really want to teach someone how to not stick their hand in a blender.”

“Okay,” Hawke said. “But what about the actual dates?”

Kim contemplated how to answer that, and figured that she did not have the faculties to properly express herself on the matter.

“Harley, can you cringe on my behalf?”

“Got it,” Harley said, before contorting her face into an exaggerated blend of confusion, regret, and embarrassment for about three seconds.

“That bad, huh?”

“Yep,” Kim said. “Complete misfire. And the best part is, I get to do it all over again!”

Thankfully Kim had possessed the foresight not to officially accept a date outside the first loop, but Himiko was still waiting for an answer of some kind. Kim got to awkwardly explain that they simply led two different lifestyles all over again. She hoped Himiko would be as receptive to the disappointment as she had been last time around.

“At least Himiko’s probably going to be cool about it,” Harley said. “Lee’s date ran out on her in a life or death situation. That’s going to be a rough breakup.”

“She’ll manage,” Kim said. Lee and Chrissy had only been casually dating for a week or two. “The real problem is going to be the conversation that comes after.”

“Yep.”

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Lee stood and stared at the Mona Lisa for a second. She was much quieter this way, though the enigmatic smile did have its own appeal. An appeal made all the clearer by the recently-completed magical restoration work. Thanks to Lee’s advice, the restoration spell had gone off without a hitch, and all the paintings had been refreshed rather than brought to life. As thanks for the help, Lee had been given a few minutes to stand and appreciate the surprisingly sizable collection of masterpieces. Now that none of them were trying to annoy and/or kill her, they were far easier to appreciate.

“Don’t get too caught up in the smile. We have to pack this all up in a few minutes, there’s a lot to see.”

Lee managed not to show any tension as Adele walked up next to her and stared at the Mona Lisa for a moment as well.

“Hello, Adele.”

“Lee.”

“Sorry for not keeping in touch,” Lee said. “I don’t exactly have Vell’s gift for staying friends with my ex’s.”

“He is weirdly good at that, isn’t he?” Adele agreed. “So. Here to admire the art, catch up, or…?”

“Or...”

Lee glanced sideways at the now-static image of Truth coming out of her well. She rolled her eyes.

“Adele, I am very sorry if the way I ended our relationship ended hurt you,” Lee said. “And if the things I have done since have compounded that hurt.”

“Wow,” Adele signed. “Really just dove headfirst into it.”

“I’ve had the value of honest communication beaten into me more than once,” Lee said.

“Okay. I guess I have to follow that up now,” Adele signed. “I won’t lie, it stung. And stung again when you cut off your parents for someone that isn’t me.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” Lee said. It would be hard not to feel inadequate when faced with objective proof that Lee cared more about Vell and Harley than she had ever cared about Adele. “I think I just finally realized that as long as I was stuck with those two for parents, I could never really have anything I wanted. And while that may have been the moment I realized it...a lot of other things helped me get there. Including you.”

“I get it,” Adele signed. “And whatever else I feel, I’m happy you’re happy. Even if there were a few bumps in the road.”

“Bumps and exploding dorm rooms, yes,” Lee said. “Well. My friends and I have been trying to get together more, as the year ends. I can text you the details, if you’d like to come and sit across the room from me in a very awkward fashion.”

“I’d like that,” Adele signed. “I’m very good at awkward sitting, watch.”

Adele took a seat, sat stiff as a board, and nervously averted her eyes as soon as Lee looked her direction.

“Excellent technique. I will see you later, at a comfortable distance,” Lee said. She spun around and took several quick steps towards the exit, having done her due diligence in rebuilding a fractured relationship. She then spun back around. “Oh, but one more thing.”

Adele raised an eyebrow expectantly. She’d been expecting a hasty retreat.

“I’ve been thinking of doing something new with my hair,” Lee said, running a finger through her long black locks. “What do you think?”

“Anything, just as long as you don’t cut it short,” Adele signed. “You cannot pull off-”

“The butch look, yes, I’ve been told. Repeatedly.”

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“You really can’t,” Harley said.

“I think I’m going to try dye,” Lee said, brushing her hair again.

“That’d probably work,” Harley said. “Other than that, how are you feeling, Lee? Holding up?”

“I’m managing,” Lee said. “Chrissy took the ‘breakup’ well, and I’ll work things out over time with Adele. And if things don’t go as well as I hope, I’ll graduate in a few weeks and never have to talk to either of them again. I’ll be fine!”

“Loving the attitude,” Harley said. “Got any other flirtations in mind while you play cleanup with the exes?”

“Not until we graduate, I think,” Lee said. “Life is complicated enough already.”

Harley nodded and finished off her dessert while Lee took another sip of her drink.

“Hey Lee?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

Lee’s cup froze in front of her lips, and she went red in the face immediately. She slapped the cup down on the table and loudly cleared her throat. It began to sound like she was gagging.

“Are you alright?”

“Fine,” Lee coughed. “Just not giving you the satisfaction of a spit take.”

Lee cleared her throat, took another quick drink to settle any lingering irritation, and then turned to Harley.

“I don’t appreciate you trying to mess with me like that.”

“The fact that it messed with you is a nice bonus,” Harley said defensively. “But that was a genuine question. Do you want to have sex with me?”

Lee tilted her head like a puppy looking at a new toy.

“What?”

“It’s pretty simple,” Harley said. “I think you’re attractive, you think I’m attractive, that’s about as much as I’ve gone on when sleeping with most of our other friends.”

“After four years,” Lee said. “Why are you only asking now?”

“You kind of had a few hangups before,” Harley said. “Would’ve come with a lot of baggage. But you seem like you’re figuring yourself out, getting more comfortable being you, I figured I’d put the offer on the table.”

After giving her brain a few seconds to catch up, Lee contemplated her situation to the best of her ability. She could not lie to herself that she had not nursed some complicated feelings on Harley in the earlier years of their friendship, but over time any complicated crushes had coalesced into a genuine friendship -and an understanding that they had two very different expectations for relationships.

“I’m going to have to respectfully decline,” Lee said. “I am not completely free of hang ups, and I think I expect slightly more emotional investment from a physical relationship than you are willing to give.”

Harley loved freely and easily, which Lee admired but lacked the capacity to do. She still had her insecurities, and did not want misplaced feelings of jealousy or inadequacy involved in her friendship with Harley.

“Okay.”

Demonstrating the lack of investment she had in sexuality, Harley immediately lost interest and turned her attention to something else. Lee took a few seconds to still her beating heart and quell the raging storm of conflicted emotions Harley had just put her through.

“So. Now what?”

“Now I tell Vell the relationship bullshit is over and he can come out of his room,” Harley said.

“Oh right, he’s been in there the whole time.”

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Vell looked at his phone, read the text from Harley, and then put his phone down to resume playing a video game.

“What was that about?”

“Eh, nothing really,” Vell said. “Just avoiding some relationship drama.”

“Alright then,” Quenay said. “Now get back to the game, I already died.”

“It’s been two seconds!”

“I told you, I’m not good at video games,” Quenay said. “You’re not letting me use any God powers, things are hard when you’re not omnipotent!”

With a shake of his head, Vell got back to the game.