Chapter 180: Book 3 Chapter 25: Get Ogre It

Waves crashed close to the legs of a beach chair, but did not quite reach it, as Lee sat and listened to high tide start to withdraw. With the day’s apocalypse dealt with early and her friends occupied with tests or other responsibilities, Lee made use of the time to herself to sit by the beach and read a good book. Or tried to, at any rate.

“Excuse me.”

Lee bookmarked her page, adjusted her sunglasses, and turned to look at the distant voice. A student in a wheelchair was at the very edge of the sandy beach, waving for her attention.

“Can I help you?”

“Maybe. Are you XL-X8 C/P?”

Lee grit her teeth, took a deep breath, and reminded herself that this young man was a complete stranger, one who had no idea she hated that name and everything associated with it.

“I prefer to go by ‘Lee’,” she said, through clenched teeth.

“Oh, sorry! Sorry, really,” the student said. His apology seemed genuine, so Lee let the tension sink out of her shoulders. “I just need some help with a weird situation, and I was told you and your friends are kind of the go-to guys for that sort of stuff.”

“That we are,” Lee said. Though they had already dealt with today’s wrench in the works (in the literal sense, the daily apocalypse had been caused by a misplaced wrench), the campus was still plagued by a constant supply of significantly less dangerous but no less strange mishaps and accidents. Lee and her friends occasionally dealt with those as well, if they were asked to do so. “What exactly is going on?”

“Do you mind if I show you? It’s a bit...embarrassing. Not for me, but, uh-”

“I understand,” Lee said. “Lead the way.”

She bookmarked her page for later and followed as the other student turned and rolled back towards the dorms.

“Before we continue, may I get your name, dear?”

“Bruno,” he said. “Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise. May I ask where we’re going, Bruno?”

“My dorm, back in the Chiron Building,” Bruno said. Lee raised an eyebrow.

“The Chiron Building? Forgive me for asking, but isn’t that building meant to be for non-humans?”

“Technically,” Bruno said. “But they had some spare room and I requested a transfer. This campus is easier on a wheelchair than a lot of places I’ve been, but that building’s even easier. Lot of ramps for all the hooves, tails, and tentacles, and wide doorways for the big guys like the ogres.”

Lee nodded in understanding. She could see how that would make life easier.

“And speaking of ogres and wide doorways,” Bruno said. He rounded a corner and gestured to two ogres very conspicuously holding up a large sheet of fabric by the wall of the building. “Onfroi, Roul, I got help.”

“Who’s she?”

“Someone who’s very competent at solving odd problems,” Lee said.

She took a look down the wall of the Chiron Building, and saw a line of small windows at about the height the two ogres were trying to cover up. She then recalled that freshman dorms were four-person suites, and counted out only three people in Bruno, Onfroi, and Roul.

“Let me guess,” Lee said. “Your roommate is stuck in the window.”

“Damn, she is good at this,” said a muffled voice from behind the sheet. Onfroi and Roul dropped the sheet to reveal a fourth ogre, with only their head and shoulders visible, the rest of him presumably stuck on the other side of the wall. “Hello. Name’s Guillame, but please, call me Gill.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Gill. Can I ask why you’re stuck in the window?”

“I was seeing if we could escape in the event of a fire,” Gill mumbled. “These dorms are great and all, but I’ve had the thought in my head all year, you know, just in case of emergencies.”

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

“Please, Gill,” Onfroi said. “The campus is perfectly safe.”

Lee hoped she didn’t cringe too hard when Onfroi said that.

“Right, and I suppose you’d like to be unstuck,” Lee said, hurriedly moving the conversation along.

“And without damaging our dorm, if at all possible,” Bruno insisted.

“Of course. I know someone with a shrink ray, should have him out in a second.”

“No can do,” Gill said, with a shake of his massive head.

“Gill’s family is old-school ogre,” Onfroi said, mockingly. He adopted a mocking gruff voice and puffed out his chest. “A true ogre’s worth is in the breadth of his shoulders and the size of his gut.”

“Oh, stop, you know I don’t buy that nonsense,” Gill sighed. “But my parents would disown me, and then who’d pay for lunch?”

Even if he went back to normal size afterwards, which was entirely possible, the conservative ogres frowned upon any kind of artificial size manipulation. Lee could sympathize with the weight of parental expectations.

“I know the feeling,” Lee said. “Very well, no shrinking. Would it be possible for me to see the other end of this particular dilemma? I may have something else I can do.”

“Yeah, sure,” Bruno said. “Gill’s dumb enough to get himself stuck in a wall, but smart enough to put his pants on before he does it.”

“I was today,” Gill said. “No promises on pants if it happens again tomorrow.”

Bruno chuckled and wheeled around to the Dorm’s side entrance, then let Lee into their shared dorm suite. She took a quick look around and admired the surprisingly chic interior design choices before turning her attention to the other side of Gill. If ogre parents were proud of size, then Gill’s parents were likely very proud indeed. He had a massive gut, to the point that Lee wondered how on earth he expected to fit through the window in the first place.

“Gill, can you hear me?”

“You might have to speak up a bit, but yes.”

“I’m going to have to take some precise measurements for a spell, is that alright?”

“Go ahead,” Gill shouted. “But please be careful, I’m ticklish.”

“Noted.”

Lee withdrew some flexible measuring tape and wrapped it around Gill’s midriff, being mindful of the gargantuan ogre’s ticklishness. She managed to get an accurate measurement with only some minor giggling on Gill’s part, then checked the numbers and did a bit of math in her head.

“Hmm. I do know a spacial distortion spell, but it only works a few inches in any given direction before things start to warp permanently,” Lee said. “I’m afraid Gill might be too large.”

“Could you warp the window one way and Gill the other?”

From the way Lee cringed and shook her head, Bruno quickly got the picture that distorting someone’s torso was perhaps not the best idea.

“Ah. Anything else?”

“Well, my natural instinct would be lubrication, but unless Gill smells like vegetable oil for an unrelated reason, I assume you’ve already tried that.”

“Yup.”

“Hmm. Still, the idea has some merit,” Lee said. “Can you keep a secret, Bruno?”

“I’m slightly worried why you’re asking, but yes,” Bruno said.

“Nothing to worry about, dear,” Lee said. “But if anyone asks, I cast a very effective lubrication spell, are we clear?”

Bruno nodded in agreement, and Lee reached into her purse. After a moment of digging, she withdrew a single blue aerosol can with two labels on it. The first label read “TOP SECRET: NOT FOR CIVILIAN USE” and the second read “WD-41”.

“Where did you get that?”

“Long story,” Lee said. She reached up and gave Gill a quick spritz of super-lubricant around his upper torso. “That should do. Gill, wriggle around a bit, then have Onfroi and Roul give you a quick push from the other side. On the count of three. One, two, three-”

Lee was barely done talking when Gill went rocketing back through the window, with such speed he nearly bowled Bruno over. The ogre continued to slide until he bounced off the other wall, and then slid a few feet the other way.

“What on earth?”

“Lubrication spell,” Bruno said, on queue.

“And a very strong one,” Lee said. “You’re going to want to wash those clothes and take a hot shower right away, or you’ll be slippery all day.”

“Ah, I’ll get right to that after I-”

“I mean right now, dear, it’s probably spreading as we speak,” Lee said. The super-lubricant also lubricated itself, until it spread into a thin layer over anything it came in contact with. Gill gave a thumbs up and headed for the shower immediately.

“Wow,” Bruno said. “They told me you were weirdly efficient at solving problems, and that was in fact both weird and efficient.”

“And that was a solo effort,” Lee said. “You should see it when all my friends are here.”

“Again, vaguely worrying,” Bruno said. “But we owe you one either way. Do you have dinner plans? Roul makes an excellent rabbit cacciatore.”

“Sounds lovely,” Lee said. “Does he mind sharing the recipe? I’ve been working on my cooking myself.”

“He’ll probably share,” Bruno said. “We’ve all been taking turns cooking dinner, since none of us knew how to cook when we got here.”

“Really? I was in the same boat myself,” Lee said. Her parents had never cooked an actual meal in their lives, and they had raised Lee the same way. “A friend of mine is one of the best chefs on earth, maybe he can include you all in my next lesson.”

Bruno contemplated the offer just before a loud thud sounded from the next room over.

“Gill?”

“I’m okay!”

A muffled shuffling preceded another very loud thud and a quiet groan.

“Still good?”

“Mostly,” Gill groaned.

“You’re probably still slippery, dear,” Lee shouted. “I wouldn’t try to get up if I were you. Just lie there and try to get your feet and hands cleaned off first.”

“Okay.”

Lee looked at Bruno and shrugged.

“The process is far from perfect,” Lee said. “But it worked.”