Those moments broke me but they also taught me all the lessons I have about life. That anger was changed into so many mixed sad emotions.
I used to think to myself:
How do I get rid of emotions I don't want them anymore?
You deserve someone who never stops trying to show how much you mean to them, even after they have you and I am the one you need.
Call me at 3am and tell me you can't sleep without me, and I will be there for you,
Light my heart and soul,
Come to me. Embrace me.
Fill me, make me whole.
I know I'm the best you'll ever had, let's just go back to the way it was
*8 months later*
There was a saying that even if the person goes, the memory of them stays with us. At some point it is true, each moment passed with them becomes just a memory, which may be good to leave us with a smile or just bitter thoughts behind.
I wasn't sure if i was still in love with Mary or not. Saying it as was may be a lie, because i still am. Time healed me and solved many mysteries of inner me. I-- "Hammy, hammy,..... Hammmmmmyyyy" voice of Anah shook me from my thoughts.
Clearing my throat, "I am here in the balcony Anah" I called out.
Just then I heard shuffling of feet and in matter of time Anah was in front of me with her wide smile, dimple resting on her left cheek.
"why are you standing out in the cold, you have rehearsals tomorrow, you don't want to catch cold when you are at it " Anah scolded.
" I just came here for fresh air "was my sheepish reply.
She playfully glared at me and shook her head, "well I am going to sleep now and you should too. You should look fresh it is an important one. Goodnight." giving me another smile, she padded away to her room.
Anah had uploaded the video of me performing in the bar. The views were not much in the beginning but later it was a big hit. It was then she forced me to do some more videos for her to upload. Later I started getting offers from different music directors.
Anah was managing all this, the appointments, the contracts,the concerts, organizing and arranging everything. She was basically my back bone now. I feel so lucky to have her in my life. I was living my life as I dreamed of. Just not with the person I dreamed with. But in spite of all that, there was a void I felt which increased by time.
The feeling of deep hole. The feeling of insecurity. The feeling of not being independent. No matter how much I tried not to think and convince myself that me and Mary weren't meant to be. I just couldn't help it. She was my first love. Even though it has been over an year since that incident, I could still feel the same pain everyday.
The feelings I felt for her would have taken to me to the top of the world. But now, the very same feelings is dragging me down to an endless pit of darkness.
I used all my pain and sorrows in my music. Being famous was never my priority in life but following what i love the most was always the one. I wanted to stop this feeling of getting hurt and even my behavior was so rude naturally, people still adored me and supported me .
May be i spoke of voice of many hearts which made fans going crazy about it .
I wouldn't deny that even after all those happened, I still couldn't forget her, May be it was love or hate which motivated me not stopping it . I sang with all my heart and soul and though the piercing I feel in my heart each time I think about her is increasing. But I couldn't help but fall in love with the pain too.
It hurts, it hurts to think that I was not enough for her. The insecurity have been clawing its claws on me ever since. I couldn't help the feeling of falling into darkness again. I knew I was going back into depression again. But this time, the intensity and the depth is all fresh and more than before.
i started getting mixed vibes of her .
May be it wasn't just my fault which made it happen.
Me
Something lives inside my head.
Something else. Something bad.
I can hear it. Hearing it ticking, ticking. A pendulum. A clock. Every day, every night. It won't leave, it won't leave. And it's her. It's her. It isn't me, I promise, it's her.
The wind blew, creating a shiver down my spine. I blew a breath and slowly retrieved from the balcony closing the doors behind me.
I strode to my room. Lying on bed, I see the ceiling not exactly, there is a large picture of me stuck there. It was taken during one of the concerts.
After entering into this industry, i could do whatever i wanted to do ever in my life time , marrying whoever i wanted to , completing all my wild desires . But I denied all of them. The owner of my heart has left it shattered to give it to anyone else.
She's the one the doctors told me to ignore, but I can't. She's always here. She's the tumor, she's the hands of time on the clock face inside my head. But at least, at least she can't get out. At least she can't hurt people anymore. She's trapped in here, just like I am. We are. We're forever trapped.
The thoughts of Anah came swarmed my mind. All these days, unknowingly I has become close to her. She could understand me without me needing to say it. She is a gem. A great friend. The one on whom I can rely on. The best friend who would stand against the world for me.
I didn't know when sleep lulled me in. I slept trying to push away the depressing thoughts but never won as usual.
****************
The next day was as usually hectic. After the rehearsal, I was frustrated and wanted to clear my mind. Anah was the best one that came to my mind. Deciding to go meet her for the dinner she called earlier today, I put on the blue shirt with jeans and put on jacket for the weather outside.
As soon as I entered into the house I was amazed. It was beautifully decorated by candles.
Moving forward I got a view for the table filled with my favorite dishes. I looked for Anah. I moved more into the room when I felt the gust of the cold wind. I could see Anah standing near the window. Her slightly curled hair left loose and the wind playing with its own rhythm.
She looked beautiful. But when she turned to face I knew she was angry. I was late after all.
After apologizing for my tardiness, she pulled towards the chair making me sit. And starting serving me.
A strand of her hair came n fell in front her face. She didn't notice it. I was itching to move it. But didn't.
The food was delicious, all my favorite. It was time for dessert according to the madam Anah, she bought the dessert and placed it on the table. Later came with an d album in her hand.
"what is it, Anah "I asked curious.
" Memories" her soft voice chimed.
"memories of our good old times. I miss those days. So much changed, so much happened. But memories stay afresh. "
She sat beside me and opened the album. We sat looking through all our childhood pictures, giggling and laughing at some.
"those were the happy days when no one was in between us" she said staring into my eyes.
"you know hammy, there is this person, I feel special about. I like everything about him. Just everything"
She said looking at me with an unknown emotion in her eyes.
"what took you so long to admit it, spit it out" I said hitting her playfully with my shoulders.
She shook her head, smiling shyly. And changed the leaf of the album.
I smile at her, looking down at the album, a particular picture captures my attention.
I could hear Anah telling me something but I couldn't concentrate, I was again held prisoner to her memories.
"Hammy, did you even hear what I said" Anah asked looking at me in disbelief. Her eyes sad all of a sudden. I didn't know the reason neither cared about it right now with my head being whirled with useless memories of that day.
I looked at her then pointed towards the picture. The picture of party that I organized for her. The same day I proposed her officially.
"you know Anah, I was on top of the world that day. I sang the song I had written for her long back. She was impressed by it. It was the best feeling. We then went out. Just a walk in silence. Later talking about anything and everything. Confessing to each other. The kiss we shared was so beautiful, nothing could be compared to that. " I was drowned in the memory lane of the dubious pretense. Unaware of the heart that broke that night. Just like mine did that day.