CHAPTER SIXTEEN
'I can't escape!'
That was the only thought going through Alex's mind a few days later. He covered his ears with his hands and squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as possible but it was no use. The flashbacks from the good times with Alice wouldn't stop playing over and over again almost as though they were taunting him. It was like his mind was reminding him that he would never make memories with his sister again.
She would never snort with laughter at Melissa's desperate flirting, he would never make fun of her crazy bed hair in the morning or yell at her for not closing the lid of the toothpaste again, she wouldn't make stupid faces at him or annoy him by singing as loud as her lungs let her.
Alice was gone forever and he still couldn't handle it.
She wouldn't have a chance to grow up, have a good job, fall in love, get married and pop out the standard 2.5 kids living in a house with a white picket fence and a golden retriever. She was frozen in time.
Without stopping to grab an umbrella or a jacket to shield himself from the pelting rain, Alex stumbled out of his front door. He walked briskly, trying to ignore his sister's laughter inside his head, almost running down his road to escape. He didn't know where he was going but somehow wasn't surprised to find himself standing opposite the ice-skating rink again.
Perhaps it was because this is where it all began.
"Let's go ice-skating Alex!" my sister yells in my ear, successfully waking me up from my sleep by making me jump off my bed in fright. I groan, hating the idea but knowing that nothing will ever change her mind so I give in and agree.
We're in the car, laughing at memories from when our dad took us as kids for the first time. Alice doesn't stop teasing me at the way I was terrified to let go of the railing on the edge and I refuse to admit I'll probably do the same thing a decade later.
Although I hate ice-skating, I love my sister so I suck it up for her sake. Since my mum and dad died, it had been the two of us and by sharing the same best friends, we were completely inseparable.
"Ugh where is the stupid place?" I complain, looking around for some road signs but failing to find any helpful ones. Refusing to ask for directions and ignoring her comments about me being such a guy, I tell her to grab the map at the back.
Still chattering about how excited she is to skate again, she unbuckles her seatbelt and turns around, reaching out for the half ripped map. She opens it out on the dashboard so we can see, muttering about how I didn't even say thanks.
"Thanks Alice, you know I'd just die without you right?"
And then it was all over, those words never once leaving my mind.
Alex looked down. Lost in his memories, his feet had started moving by themselves leading him to the edge of the roof above the train station again. With one foot suspended in the air, he imagined jumping.
He imagined the air rushing past as he flew down, his heartbeat pounding with the adrenaline rush. He imagined the happy families and groups of teenagers watching in horror as his body hit the tracks. He imagined the blood drops dancing in the air before staining the ground; the only reminder of his existence for the people of the future.
He imagined it and smiled, the suicidal urges inside him almost purring in happiness, begging him to step forward.
And then he imagined the look on Tyler's face when he found out, the tears he knew Lacey wouldn't be able to hold back. He could imagine them numb, unable to believe it, blaming themselves for not being a good enough reason to live.
He thought of Kalila.
The day she had stopped him without knowing anything about him other than rumours, she had completely enthralled him. He remembered the way she spun around, lost in herself, as she ice-skated; the longing in her eyes as she arched her back and the content smile upon her face as she raised her arms above her head. He thought back to all the memories they had created together in such a short amount of time, at the slight fluttering in his chest whenever she would laugh, at her face as she told him about her cousin Natalie.
Then he imagined the disappointment in her eyes if she knew he tried to kill himself again.
Slowly and unsure, he took a step back. His inner demons screamed at him, scolding him for ignoring them. Still hesitant, he turned around and ran, as though he was running away from the pain. He climbed down the rusted stairs as fast as he could and pushed open the door at the entrance of the rink.
With the knowledge that Kalila would be working there today, he sped over to the brightly lit cafe, not even realising that he was completely soaked to the bone.
"Hi, what can I get yâ" she started saying, looking up from the money she had just finished putting in the till when she noticed Alex standing in front of her. Rain water dripped from his thoroughly drenched hair, his eyes wide open and empty looking.
He managed a slight grin and gestured towards a hot chocolate. She ignored him and raised an eyebrow at his clothing. "Why do you look like you had a shower fully dressed?" She asked, head tilted to the side in confusion.
Alex didn't speak. What could be possibly say? He couldn't tell her he had come so close to killing himself again, he wouldn't be able to bear the sadness in her eyes if he mentioned it. So he just shrugged and thankfully they were interrupted before she managed to read it on his face.
"Kalila! I don't care how sexy he is, how dare you think about him in the shower instead of making the coffees!" He heard a screeching voice coming from behind the counter causing him to grin as Kalila blushed bright red with the accusation.
"Uhm Iâ I didn't, I mean Iâ" she stammered. She obviously had been referring to the downpour outside and hadn't been thinking of him in the shower but her boss, Liz, could never pass up an opportunity to embarrass her.
Liz laughed, enjoying watching her mortified expression, running a hand through her short spiky black hair. Kalila ignored the embarrassment and quickly grabbed a mug to start making Alex's hot chocolate, complete with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. Just as she handed him his change, she felt Liz push her towards him.
"Since there's not that many people here, how about you take a break to talk to your boyfriend here," her boss ordered, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. Kalila rolled her eyes and jumped over the counter, too busy wondering what was wrong with Alex to remember to protest that he wasn't her boyfriend.
He had the same troubled look in his eyes, the same conflicted expression on his face that he had the day they met above the train tracks and she knew she had to take his mind of it. "Stalking me are we?" she asked smirking as she grabbed a chair and sat opposite him.
Alex looked up in surprise, he hadn't even noticed she had come to sit near him and he smiled slightly in greeting although it felt more like a grimace. "Of course. You know me, I can't stay away from a pretty girl," he grinned, trying to push away the depressing thoughts and be normal again.
Kalila sniggered, absentmindedly ripping strips from a napkin. "It's kinda creepy how you sounded almost as desperate as Melissa there!" she teased, enjoying the fact that his eyes went straight from pained to disgusted at the name of his ex-girlfriend in a matter of seconds.
"Ugh please no," he shuddered in exaggeration, his voice trailing as he looked up towards the skating rink. It wasn't that busy compared to normal, most people had stayed indoors not willing to brave the pouring rain.
Kalila watched him, noticing the small crinkles at the corner of his eyes as he smiled slightly looking towards the few people skating on the ice. "Whatcha thinking of?" she asked, almost murmuring as though not to interrupt his thought process.
"The day we met," he answered her quietly, still looking at some kids laughing as they glided on the ice. "After you handed me your skittles and walked away, I followed you. I wasn't planning on staying there, I was gonna go back up there and finish what I started."
Kalila felt her heart clench tightly with that thought; she couldn't imagine not knowing him, couldn't imagine the thought of him actually dying. Although it hadn't been long, they had found that they clicked together and she was glad they had met. She didn't say anything though, just waited for him to continue.
"But then I saw you ice skate and even though I didn't know you then or know that you skate to remind you of your cousin, I could tell it meant a lot to you. I guess I was so- I dunno, amazed at how graceful you were y'know? And that was the first time since Alice died that I actually felt something so I decided I wanted to get to know you," he looked back up at her and smiled a genuine smile for the first time all day, remembering how he felt watching her twirl on the ice.
She didn't know what to say to that, no words would ever be enough. So she beamed and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the rink, the hot chocolate forgotten. "What are you doing?" he asked bemused, forehead creased in confusion.
"I'm teaching you how to ice-skate!" she replied happily.
Alex grumbled.