Avery's POV
"I worry about you sometimes." Dawson started, looking away almost guiltily. Maybe he felt bad. I guess I sorta did. I didn't like the fact that he wasted his time worrying over something like my issues when I knew he had his own that we had yet to talk about.
"What do you mean?" I questioned him tilting my head a bit and trying to smile to show I wasn't bothered by it. I wasn't bothered in the way he thought I'd be at least.
He shook his head a bit and didn't answer. I think he was looking for the right words.
"I mean...I guess you don't open up...ever really and I know that's not good. Had to hurt you, even if you don't know it."
"And I mean...I don't know much about that whole area of your life yet, but I know it's not good. And I know you've been through a lot. And I guess I'm kinda angry at myself that I can't help."
"Please don't," I asked. He looked at me, worried for the slighted second. "No I mean well, um, please don't worry about me. I'm fine. Really."
He nodded and it was silent again. But it felt different. For some reason, I felt different.
For so long I had this fear of opening up and being vulnerable because that's the easiest way to get hurt. But it's like in this moment, I didn't. Like in this moment all my baggage and shitty trauma didn't exist. I didn't know why, but suddenly it didn't feel so scary to be open with him.
I knew that'd probably change in the morning, hell, even a couple of hours, so I made a big decision.
"Don't be weirded out if I make absolutely no facial expression while telling you any of this."
Dawson's head quickly turned to look at me. And I couldn't necessarily read the emotion on his face. But I think it was easy enough to understand that he was shocked and probably scared. Definitely scared.
"I guess it'd be easier to start at the very start right?" I didn't bother waiting for a reaction from him. "Well, mom died. I never talked to dad about it. Not even once. So as a kid I just learned to assume and later just figured out the obvious facts. Sometimes when I was younger I'd imagine all the different possibilities. Like what if she wasn't actually dead. Cause being four and not having a very good grasp on the concept of death yet, I thought about what it'd be like if that wasn't reality...but it was." I laugh a bit, almost bitterly. Sadly, yet accepting in a way.
Dawson looked to me, like he wanted to be sympathetic but was trying his best not to pity me. Which I appreciated. I think he knew if he showed that sorrow and pity a part of me would close up and we'd both lose this opportunity.
"And dad. Fucking dad..."I mutter blowing a piece of hair away from my face. "He was never around. Ever. The people who raised me were nannies basically. And when I was old enough, I was on my own. I don't really think any 10 year old can take care of themselves properly though..." I tell him with a roll of my eyes and snarkiness to my tone.
He didn't stop looking at me, hoping I would continue to add on and elaborate. And surprisingly enough, I did.
"It was lonely for a while. I never did have a ton of close friends or anything. Then there's the whole being alone in an empty house for 4 years. So, I decided to have my dad enroll me here. In a boarding school. Figured it was homey enough and would be less lonely. But damn was I wrong."
Dawson still didn't say anything. Letting me vent. Just listening.
"Freshmen year came along. I made my first friend. If you could even call her that. It was Lilliana. She introduced me to her friend group, I don't think they liked me very much though. Except for one guy. Who happened to be Ronnie."
I kept my eyes away from Dawson but I could hear him take a deep breath most likely full of hatred at the name of him.
"I remember right away he just smiled and said I was pretty. Then later that day asked me out. And I guess I was so desperate for affection and belonging that I said yeah."
I looked to Dawson again. And for the first time in a while, I saw emotion on his face. Anger. It was anger. Maybe he knew what was coming and didn't like to think about it. I knew I didn't. But some part of me was almost immune to it now. Or maybe I was still in denial.
"I never said no. Not once."
"I mean, I never really wanted to say yes but it was so much easier to act like I enjoyed it and pretend to go along with it than face the fact that he'd do what he wanted regardless. So in a way, it did make me feel better. Less helpless."
Dawson appeared a bit closer to me. And maybe it was for him who needed to be near me to comfort himself or maybe it was to make me feel safer. Either way, it helped.
"He dragged me to a party one night. Got me shit faced basically and...yeah. It felt different this time. Like he didn't care about me in the slightest and now I was sorta....scared of him. Before the party, I guess I kept making excuses and was in major denial, still sorta am in a way, but this was the point that pushed me to be done. With him. With them. What he did and what he would do. So, I got a lawyer."
"There was this...video. Of that night. Which was really the only reason I won. No one ever believes the people in this end anyways. Plus, Ronnie was a smart, athletic, white, and extremely rich boy who had a higher status than some random freshmen girl he'd been dating a couple of months. People knew him. People loved him. No way in hell he could ever do shit like that. I had to be lying, right?"
"Which is what not only the kids at school thought but the teachers too. Not to mention the fact that their school's reputation and disbelief in me was a perfect opportunity to try and downplay shit. Bradshaw mentioned how I was drunk and partying and would be expelled for that, especially if the case was public. She said if I kept it out of the public eye and media, I could stay. And I never told my dad. Still haven't. Don't want him involved. So, I took the deal. Now it's really only the people in this damn school who know my secrets."
"After that, he got arrested and everyone hated me. And I was still fucked up about a lot of shit and didn't really know how to handle it. Especially alone. So I partied a lot. Slept around if I'm being honest. Tried a bunch of shit, and if I'm being honest I'm surprised I'm alive right now. It was bad. Like bad bad. Then I met Mona. At a party ironically enough. But she's always had her limits. Sure she used to party a lot and shit but she wasn't dumb enough to do half the shit I did. And she taught me that. And she helped me and uh yeah..." I say now letting the realization that I basically just spilled my life story to Dawson hit me.
"Oh fuck," I mutter quietly. Now it was my turn to not make eye contact with him and turn completely away from him.
"That's some fucked up shit." I hear him say beside me. I just nodded.
"I'm glad you're doing better now and that you're safe and hopefully alright. Can't imagine what my life would be like if you weren't. Or if things were different between us."
And again, me being the awkward dumbass I occasionally was I just nodded for the second time. Still not knowing what to say or do.
"Would it make you feel better if I told you some heavy shit too or is that kinda insensitive?" He asks grimacing back a bit.
I just laugh and shake my head. "Please do. I could really use that right now. I mean, only if you're okay with it of course."
I never did like pressuring people into things. Especially my friends and people I loved. It was kinda fucked up.
"So I know I haven't talked about my family much, but I have 4 sisters. Well had, only 3 now but I don't like to act like she never existed."
I knew Dawson had some shit with his sisters but hearing him say one of them actually...died was painful? I couldn't possibly understand how he felt, and I didn't ever want to. No one should have to.
"I have 2 older sisters and 2 younger. Sofia and Nat were twins. 3 years older than me. They were in their senior year when we were starting freshmen year here."
"Sofia and Nat were total opposites. Sofia's always been more mature I guess? Between the two of them at least. Natalie's always been more reckless. Partied a lot. Dated a lot. Just...did what she wanted. And she began to struggle a lot with drugs junior year and after about a year she ended up overdosing on heroin at a party. Also at school ironically enough." He says rolling his eyes at the fact that this school continued to cover up major shit like this to save their own ass and reputation.
I'd never seen Dawson sad. And for some reason, I felt like that was something he didn't experience often. He seemed to take his sadness and turn it into anger. Not a violent or cruel one though. Simply one that made him mad at the situation rather than upset.
"After that my family kinda...fell apart. I don't know it's like we were so close before and then Natalie's death was...I don't fucking know what it was. Ruined us. Our family. Who we were individually. I don't think she ever knew but she held us together. She always thought that was Sofia but losing her only made us all realize her smiles and snarky jokes and always listening when we needed it and just...her."
I lean my head on his shoulder and give him the best side hug I possibly could. And I think for a minute. About what to say. About what would make me feel better if I were in his shoes.
"I'm so sorry. I bet she was amazing. And I bet she misses you and watches over you all, making sure you're okay."
He nodded and said, "I hope so."
"How're you now?" I ask after a minute of silence letting us both just take everything in.
He nodded slowly. Like he wasn't sure of his answer yet. "I think I'm doing better. I mean I'll never fully be over it cause you just can't get over someone and forget them, but I'm learning. And grieving. And getting better."
"And how're you?" He asked me back turning to look at me. And for some reason, some part of me told me to do something real stupid. Some part of me just wanted to lean in and kiss him and tell him exactly how I was. Which was pretty good. Life had been good since I met all of them. It'd been fucking fantastic. They made me feel happy and worth it and like me again.
So, I listened to that possibly dumb part of me and I kissed him.
***
Do you guys even know how hard it was for me to keep seeing comments about how she was disrespectful and a bitch when she told her principal (Bradshaw) off and not being able to be like BUT YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING. Cause that was really hard.
And they FINALLY kissed. I always thought I'd be the type of writer to get characters together soon but like I'm not apparently lmao.
But anyways yeah that's both their stories combined into one depressing chapter but hey at least the chapter had a happy ending?