There was something funny about life. No matter where you go, no matter where you escape to, you would always find your way back home. Home is always going to be there for you to go back to, and the people you have left would still be there. Lingering behind to remind you what you left behind.
"You're a bitch."
This was Cece's greeting when I knocked on her door and she stared at me as if she wanted to hit me, then bury me alive. I needed to stop dropping by her office at random hours, but I had just gotten back into town, and the first place I wanted to come was here. I had imagined this conversation with her so many times, and neither one had ended pleasantly.
"I know you're pissed," I stated, walking slowly as if to show her I was unarmed and I wasn't here to pick a fight with her, but my cousin was on the verge of hurling her mug across the room and hope it splinted me.
However, she snorted and adjusted her glasses so it sat on the bridge of her nose. She eyed me expectantly. "That's an understatement of the century," she murmured, and despite the lingering anger in her face, I knew she was happy to see me.
"I'm sorry."
That was the wrong thing to say, but I could not be wrong with an apology, but it somehow ticked her off even more. Her brows furrowed deep together and peeled my skin off when she rebuked, "Tell that to Jesse...you know, the guy you left wondering why the fuck you ghosted him for four months?"
I wanted to wince and sank into the chair I was sitting on, but when I decided to leave without saying anything to anyone, I had prepared myself for the harsh responses I would get. Cece, for one, was who I wanted to tame first. If I could tame her, then I had chances with Jesse. Through the drive here from the airport, I had memorized all the things I wanted to say, but neither sounded good enough for me.
I lifted a finger and corrected, "Technically, I was in the program and outside communication wasn't really allowed."
"Fuck you."
I released a sigh. "Cece, I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you guys, but you know I've never really been good with communication."
Her eyes flared wide. "You left without saying goodbye, Iris. That was four months ago! That was a dick move." She made no effort to shield the bite in her tone. "You dad had to let us know where you went and everyone felt like complete shit. And Jesse? Fuck, Iris, after everything that happened between you two? You know he told me everything, so how could you do that to him?"
Pausing to steady myself, I bit my trembling lip and retorted, "I didn't mean to hurt him." I could not suppress the weakness in my voice when I talked about him. I didn't feel like I ran away, but I somehow did. From Jesse. From everyone, but mostly him. Despite the effort to forget him, he had drawn my thoughts back to him every day I had left. It had scared me, and it was the very reason I had left. To figure out what I needed, and if he was that answer. Somehow, a part of me wished I had a different answer.
But Jesse had invaded my mind for one hundred and twenty days. My heart had trembled at the thought of him, and I was achingly aware that there was no turning back. I had been terrified. For he became someone I had passionately hated to someone I intensely desired.
Cece leveled a second glare at me. "Don't tell me that bullshit. You knew exactly what you were doing. If you wanted nothing with him, you should've had the balls to tell him straight to his face and not leave him with more questions than answers, but whatever. He got your answer loud and clear. You don't want him, so I hope you stay clear of him now."
My breath hitched as the implications of what she had said occurred to me and I felt panic easing its way through me. I sat closer to the edge of my seat, fumbling with my hands. I had never been good at begging for anything, but I found myself on the verge of begging my cousin to help me. I couldn't face Jesse without her help. I was a coward then for not telling him how I felt, and a coward now for not facing him the moment I came back.
"Cece, please, I know what I did wrong. I've had months to think about it. I wish I could tell you why I did that, but I can't lie to you. I needed to figure things out and where my life stands."
"What does that have to do with you leaving without telling anyone?"
"Jesse..."
Cece was having none of that. She pointed a manicured finger with a glare. "Don't even pin this on him. Iris, you still don't have a good legitimate reason for what you did. I don't care if you had done that to me, but I cared that you gave him hope and squashed it." Her voice lowered to show how upset she was, and how much she cared about him. I have never envied their friendship like I did now.
I cast my gaze down and murmured, "I guess now he knows how it feels, right?"
"So, this was revenge?"
I suddenly came to my feet from the voice that spoke behind me. When I turned, I stared at Jesse. His unexpected arrival sent a turmoil inside me, and I tried to grasp how much he had heard, but it was enough because my last words had somehow made things worse. He stared at me with a cold hostility, his feet slightly spared apart. Unable to endure his gaze, I pinned my attention on the grey blazer he was wearing, my heart hammering in my chest.
"I see," came another murmur from him. Before I could grasp his words again, he was already slamming the door on his way out.
I stood there rooted to the spot until Cece cried out, "Go!"
I sprinted out of the office, but I could not see a glimpse of him, so I rushed out of the hospital. When I saw him, he was already driving away before I could reach him.
-
Jason was not happy to see me.
He slammed the door on my face. When I knocked for the second time, Kelly opened the door. Unlike her husband, she was happy to see me.
I returned her hug and let me inside.
I forced a smile and found Jason seated on the couch, his leg crossed over the other as he furiously stared at the tv screen. He ignored us while Kelly offered to get me something to drink, which I was quick to decline. I didn't come here to eat or drink anything. I came for my brother. I sat beside him, but he scooted over to the end of the couch.
"Really?" I threw the rhetorical question, but he didn't budge. Kelly sat on the arm of the couch, her arm wounding around her husband's neck.
Kelly looked at me. "When did you come back?"
"Last night," I answered, then Jason made a sound of disbelief. I glanced at him. "Are you seriously not going to look at me?"
My brother shrugged. "I'm supporting my best friend."
"Like the million times since I've known you," I shot out. "Now, can you please support me for a change?" I didn't scoot closer, but my voice dripped with remorse and a plead.
He finally glanced at me and demanded, "Why? So you can turn around and throw dirt on his face again? I'm not going to get behind that, Iris." Jason looked away. "If you're here for Jesse, you might as well go back."
"Where is he, Jason?"
"No, Iris! You don't get to come back here after what you did and ask for him," he fumed, the anger radiating on his face. "For years, I've never involved myself or supported either one of you when you were fighting because I knew you were both in the wrong. This time, though, it's your fault. I won't let you hurt him again. No matter what he's done in the past, you didn't have to have to pretend you cared for him. You didn't have to play with his feelings so you could have your revenge. Congratulations, you had your revenge, but at what cost?"
"I..." My mouth slammed shut. I was unable to move my lips to speak because he was right. I couldn't live with letting go of the past and be happy with Jesse, accept his apology and move on as if I didn't have scars, but Jason was right. At what cost? Here I was, begging my brother to tell me where his best friend was so I could go to him and apologize. I had fulfilled my revenge and hurt him in a way that hurt me too.
Kelly nudged him. "I'm sure she realized what she did. Since she's here for Jesse, she wants to make up for her mistake. Just tell her where he is, please."
Jason scrunched his face and ignored his wife. He was protective of Jesse and he was right to be. I was not giving him a reason. I was not saying anything to make him listen. If I needed my brother to help me, I had to make him understand.
I turned in my seat and stared at the walls, fumbling with my hands on my lap. "You're right," I said. "about everything. I was angry, and I hated myself for giving in when he apologized for our childhood. I should have let it go, but I thought if I did, I was letting my younger self down. She would have hated me for forgiving him so easily. When I thought about that, all the feelings I felt before came rushing in." Glancing at my brother, I continued, "But you're wrong about one thing. I didn't want to take revenge at first. I couldn't help it, Jason, and I regretted it the moment I left. The past was something I had difficult letting go of, but I've let it go."
My brother's ears perked up at that, and he couldn't help ignoring me anymore. He slid his gaze back onto me and regarded me with renewed interest. "You mean that? You're not stuck in the past anymore?"
I nodded.
He released a heavy breath and wasted no time in replying. "Well, it's about time. You were always the one who had a hard time forgetting the past, but since you've assured me that you've moved on, I'm okay with that. You won't bring it up again, right?" His brows shot up as he waited for me to confirm.
I smiled and nodded again. "I promise I'm more mature now."
"Took you long enough," he echoed.
I had one last question. "Where is he?"
Jason's answer brought a huge surprise to me and I couldn't believe it wasn't the first place I looked. The answer had been right in front of me. Perhaps it was because I didn't think he was going to be there.
It took me less than twenty minutes to arrive at my old house-the childhood home where the three of us grew up together. I thought the house would have been occupied by now, but it was empty when I stepped inside. It brought so many memories that would have seized my breath before. I wouldn't have been able to walk inside, but after making peace with my past, it was easier to walk through these floors. So many memories were attached to the house, and when my parents sold it, I was so happy they got rid of it. For me, the past was something that had haunted me, and this house built those nightmares. Selling it off was like getting some part of my childhood I never had.
The staircase creaked when I walked upstairs. The hideous green wallpapers were still there, and I saw a few spots that had meaning to everyone of us-there was a lingering stain on the wall that brought a short laugh to me, opposed to the emotion I would have felt before. Jesse and Jason's mark were on the wall from the times they had punched through and dented the wall. The doors were still there; Jason still had his stickers on it, and mine were a little from the time I had ripped it before leaving the house. I could hear movements coming from my bedroom and the door was left ajar.
Walking inside, I didn't try to hide my footsteps. I found Jesse looking through the window of the empty room. He heard me, but he made no move to appear he did. I glanced at my old room and smiled. Though I left abruptly and with no intention of coming back, I felt happy coming back here again.
"Does mum know it was you who bought the house?" My voice came out almost quietly as I walked around the room as though it was my first time, touching a few spots that were meaningful to me before.
The silence in the room seemed to escalate frighteningly, crackling through the air like a million daggers at once, hurtling back and forth. I paused any movements and stared at Jesse's back.
"I don't think she would care," his voice slashed through the room, echoing off the blue walls.
"Why did you buy it?" I had wondered about that ever since Jason told me about it. He had not known about it until three years ago and Jesse had bought the house six years ago. That was when he was in college. I had no idea how he could get that kind of money to buy a freaking house, but he had done it.
He didn't turn around. He faced the window, which had not been open. "Memories," the word left his mouth. "For the memories and this room."
The words reverberated dizzily in my brain and I stared in surprise. "My room? Why?"
"It's important."
"Why? It's just a room. How could it possibly convince you to buy a whole house?"
"For you it is, but for me it's not a room," Jesse proclaimed and my breath stopped. "It's the place where I met you."
I remembered. It had been his first time in my house and he had thought it was Jason's room. I remembered a boy walking into my room halfway from changing and I had screamed bloody murder, then cried.
"You wrote your first letters to me here," he continued. "You declared your hatred for me in this room, and I made you cry here a lot more than I could count. You threw a rock at me from this very window. I had a concussion for a week and a small scar on my forehead. So many memories, Iris."
The room suddenly spun, and I couldn't move. I felt like I was going to faint. The world was tilting crazy, and I swallowed back tears. He bought the house because of me. Because like me, the past was something he held on to, as well. I closed my eyes briefly and drew a painful breath, feeling the tightness slowly lessen.
"I'm sorry," I blurted out.
Feeling my gaze on him, Jesse turned to me, his brown eyes drifting over my face. He spoke again, his voice rising slightly, but not enough to carry it out through the door. "I've done some thinking too," he told me sharply. "We are on the same page now."
"No...I..." I panicked, stepping up to him. "Jesse, I..." My mouth parted, finding it hard to know where to begin.
"Don't push it, Iris," he bit out between his teeth, sending daggers to my heart. I had forgotten how iced cold his voice could be. I had forgotten what they felt like, but now they were frostbites to my skin. He took in a deep breath, and when he released them, I could hear the sound in my ears. "There's no reason for you to apologize for doing what you thought was right," he added.
"But it wasn't right," I spoke up loudly. I shook my head frantically, my chest straining, heaving for air. I moved closer again, but not close enough to fill his space. I made sure my words were firm and hard enough for him to understand. "I am so sorry for leaving without telling you, for running away. I....I freaked out. You were right about me not being able to maintain a relationship and look at me now!" I threw my hands and let them fall to my sides. Tilting my head to the ceiling, I rubbed the back of my neck while licking my lips before bringing my hand down with a sigh.
But it wasn't enough. What I felt was too much. I had to take a step back to gather my words. I leaned my back against the wall and slid down to the ground, drawing my knees to my chest. "I've always been a shitty person, you know that. God, I'm so used to pushing people away and hurting them...." I laughed without humor in it, rubbing my face with my hands. "That has always been my defense." I cocked my head to look up at him. "Every time someone wants to get close, I mess up and hurt them." I fumbled with my hands. "I guess I didn't think....or I was afraid of trusting you. Jesse, what I mean is, I had a huge wound in my heart because of you, so when you apologized to me and you wanted to be with me, I freaked out a bit. You, the guy who had caused me so much pain in my life woke up one day and wanted to be with me?" I laughed nervously.
He studied me, his dark eyes and brow making me feel more exposed. "I thought we got past that," he said with disappointment.
"We did," I exclaimed. "At least, I tired to get past it, but you can't blame me for not moving on. I'm not you, Jesse. I held this grudge like it was another life inside me." My voice wavered. "I tried to bottle away the anger inside me because I thought how dare you say you want me after terrorizing me my whole life. So I wanted to hurt you."
"Did that make you happy, then?"
I stared at him and noticed the whites in his eyes were red. There were no other emotion on his face as he looked me dead in the eyes. The stabbing sensation in my throat surrendered to the tears wanting their release. For a moment, I closed my eyes, feeling guilty all over again.
"No, of course not."
Jesse moved. He walked up to me and lowered himself to level our eyes together. His breath fell on my face and his wild eyes made my heart crazy. His eyes met mine, our faces less than an inch away from each other. Several moments passed as he stared me down. Our breathing matched up, and his expression was no longer angry.
He spoke shakily, almost sadly. "You're cruel."
"I know," I said.
His fingers clasped around my forearm. "You wanted to hurt me. Did you get off on it?" He jerked me. "It felt good, didn't it?"
His scent was all around me as he leaned in. Our bodies were melting together, our lips so close. "That night, it did," I confessed. "Walking away, knowing you were going to hurt when you realized that I'm gone, it felt good."
There was a huff of disbelief.
"But it hurt me more than it hurt you," I revealed calmly, letting my eyes roam over his face, settling on the eyes that were sending turmoil inside me. "Jesse..." I tried to touch his face, but he moved back and pulled his hand away from me.
He rose to his feet and turned around. I watched him walk up to my old closet. He carried out a box and dumped the entire contents on the floor-the green notes, which had my handwriting scribbled on them. I realized these were the notes he had gotten from me over the years There were hundreds of them.
Before I could ask him what he was doing, there was another box with him. This time, I saw my letters as they fell to the ground.
How did he get my letters?
His hand slipped inside his blazer and he fished out a small flask, tilting the liquid all over the letters.
"Jesse!" I shouted, scrambling to my feet to protect the letters despite half of them being ruined by the alcohol I smelt from the flask, but Jesse blocked my path, keeping me away from picking any letter. I struggled against his hold. "What are you doing? Let me go!"
He didn't. He blocked me while he retrieved a lighter from his pocket. It dawned on me what he planned to do and I crumbled.
"Please, no, don't do this. Please."
Her ignored my pleas. Almost instantly, the flame latched onto the letters and I cursed. Through my eyes, I saw the fire latching on every piece of memory, eating it up and destroying the most important piece of evidence in my life. I could feel my heart crumbling.
I literally felt my heart breaking.
Jesse held me tightly in his arms as he forced me to watch all the letters get burnt into ashes until there was nothing left but smoke and ash. I went weak in his arms. Those letters were half of our lives. They had witnessed every memory that I was attached to them. The reason I had been unable to throw them away was because I couldn't find it in my heart to. Now Jesse went and destroyed them like they were nothing. Like we didn't live our lives through them.
My pulse throbbed in my eyes. I felt his arms leave my body, and I felt him taking a step away from me.
I heard him speak. "We're done, Iris," he said. "I've destroyed the letters and sold the house. Nothing ties us together anymore."
I inhaled sharply, but I couldn't release it. I held my breath in, hoping it would suffocate me. Jesse didn't wait another minute in the bedroom. He breezed out of the room as if he was a bird being freed from his cage, and I couldn't do anything to stop him. I tried to think, but I couldn't. All the years we had been together felt distant now. Erased.
I fell to my knees.