I didn't have a name for the emotions roiling around in my gut when I knocked on Jesse's door, but when I did, I realized no one came to answer. From the window, the house looked still and the lights were off. I walked around, looking into the house through the window, but it didn't seem like anyone was there.
He wasn't here.
I hadn't expected that, and it made me laugh. I was so sure I would find him here, waiting for me like he said he would be, and I felt like a fool for coming here. He was supposed to be home. He was supposed to open the door and let me in. I closed my eyes and breathe. Any sensible woman would swallow her humiliation and leave, but not me. I didn't know what kept pulling me back to him. Even when I hated him, I could never stay apart from him.
Was I too late coming here? Did he think I would not come?
Sitting here in the dark, I wanted nothing more than to see him. To hear his voice, and it was perfectly clear that I couldn't keep pretending that I didn't want to be close to him. His name sat heavy on my stomach.
It took him a long time to get home. My legs were numb and drawn to my chest, and I couldn't feel my skin-whether it was warm or cold. My stomach had been grumbling, and I regretted not eating anything at the reception. I was so tired I couldn't lift my head when I heard him. I felt his shadows coming up, and I angled my head to meet his mesmerizing eyes.
Jesse knelt in front of me. Half of his face were hid behind the shadows, but I could see his eyes, which drilled holes into mine. He lifted his hand and reached his fingers to touch the skin of my arm, the slight brush of those fingers electric. He withdrew them back. I looked on, not knowing what to say.
Did he look happy to see him? I couldn't tell. I could not see it, but then again, he was good at masking his emotions.
My hands moved. One touched his fingers, closing my palm over his hand. That simple touch felt more intimate than we had ever been.
I opened my mouth and asked, "What am I doing here?" Perhaps I was looking for him to fill in the gaps, or perhaps I was saying the words to understand how ridiculous everything was.
Jesse's lips parted before he leaned forward. He tipped my chin up, running his thumb along my jawbone. I felt that hand snaking around my back. His other hand wounded around my legs, and he was lifting me into his arms before I could catch another breath. I didn't fight. I shamelessly wrapped my arms around his neck and let him walk me into the house. My face was buried in the crook of his neck when he took me to his bedroom and lay me on the bed. My breath came out slowly when he sat at the edge of the bed, staring at me.
We saw nothing for quite some time before he lifted his hand to my face. Jesse cupped my cheek delicately and rubbed his thumb over my skin. He drew his hand to pet my head before he pulled the covers over my body, tucking me underneath his lush sheets. He sat up from the bed and leaned down to brush his lips on my forehead before withdrawing. Jesse stepped away. For a long time, he remained in the bathroom. I was almost dozing off when I felt the covers moving and he slid into bed with him. I felt his heat on my neck. I closed my eyes at the sensation. When he pulled me into his chest, I cuddled into his warmth.
I didn't need to wonder why he did that because I knew why he did. I knew why he wasn't rushing to kiss me, that he pulled me to his bed so he could cuddle with me. Because he knew I was terrified. He knew this was a new thing for me, and he knew I was having second thoughts about all of this. Jesse could be an asshole something, but he respected people's feelings. If he knew I was scared about this thing between us, he wouldn't rush me into anything.
"We will figure it out," I heard him whisper into my ear. Silent tears streamed down my face. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close, holding me tight as I buried my face in his arms. My body relaxed into him, knowing without a doubt that we had crossed over. He wouldn't hurt me again, but I wasn't sure about myself. The fear and doubt remained.
"Okay," I said after a moment longer. If he could take the step to trust me, then I could try to move forward, too.
We stayed there, just holding each other, until I felt the steady rise and fall of his chest telling me he was asleep.
-
In the morning, I woke up late, but this time, I didn't wake up with thoughts rushing through my head. I didn't have to question why I was in Jesse's house, and I didn't have to question why I slept on the same bed with him. Nothing happened between us last night, which was good. It made me see him in a new light. People like us with bad history, we needed to proceed with extreme caution.
I took a shower and dressed in the clothes that were set on the bed for me, then head to the kitchen. Jesse stood there with a glass in hand, wearing shorts and a vest.
There was something on the island, which had me gasping and rushing to pick it up. It was an old camera, the one I was the familiar with.
"Where did you find it?" I asked, juggling the camera in hand. The surprise hasn't left me. It was my old camera, the first camera I had ever held in my hands, given to me by my grandfather.
I could hear the light amusement in his voice when he replied, "I held on to it."
I looked up at him, feeling tender. And when he looked back, it was all direct and exposing. His deep stare travelled down my body, and his breathing got heavier by the second.
"You held on to it? I thought I'd never see it again."
He crossed over and bent to rest his arms on the island. He kept his eyes on me, following every movement. "Yeah, don't get so excited. I tried to have it fixed years ago, but they couldn't do it. It's damaged and behind repair." He tilted his cup to his mouth.
I was quiet for a second, shooting him a glance. "Then, why did you keep it?"
A faint grin tugged on his lips, and he shrugged. "It has sentimental values." He set his drink on the counter and leaned back. His smile tugged a string in my heart, and I got lost in his gaze. In his eyes.
The sudden urge to lean in and capture his lips in a kiss overwhelmed and frightened me. These feelings were new to me. If it were anyone else but him, I would have dragged him into an empty room, but this was Jesse. I didn't know what to think. Having an intimacy between us would mean opening myself up to vulnerability. I've always guarded myself against him. I spent years restraining and having a battle with myself. There would always be a linger of regret between us.
Suddenly, he was adding, pulling me back into reality. "But just because it doesn't work anymore doesn't mean you need to throw it away. You could keep it and decorate your room."
"Do you remember when grandpa gave it to me?" I asked, keeping the camera on the counter to walk across the kitchen, grabbing the mug he must have left out for me. It tasted sweet and creamy as I welcomed the warmth run down my throat.
Jesse nodded, watching me set the glass with a fond smile. "Yeah, you couldn't stop taking pictures of everyone, but I don't remember you taking any pictures of me." He opened a drawer, pulling out a brand new canon camera. "Now we can change that." He walked to me and handed the camera.
I gasped, shocked. "This is...this is too much." The camera must have cost him a ton. I tried giving it back. "Jesse, I can't take this. It's too expensive."
He glared at me. "If you give it back, what am I going to do with it? It's too late to return it now." He pushed the camera to me. "Take it. Use it. Find another dream again. Consider it payment for all the things I put you through."
That got me to pause. "I'm not asking for anything."
"I know, Iris. I wanted to do something for you. Please, take it."
And I did. I held the camera in my hand and switched it on. Feeling giddy, I lifted it to his face and clicked. The camera flash went off.
"Let me see." He took the camera before I could see what I took. He went through the picture. "You still got it," he said with an appreciative smile.
I flashed him a quick smile. "Thank you for the camera."
His grin was wicked. "I can now die peacefully knowing I'm the first person you took a picture of after years, and the first face in your new camera." With a wink, he drew closer, wrapping his arms around my lower back to pick me up, sitting me on the island.
"You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
"Can't say there has been a moment in my life where I was innocent." He brushed his knuckles across my cheek, causally taking the camera from my hand. I didn't object when he raised it and took my pictures. When he scrolled through it, there was a smile on his face that warmed my stomach. "Not nearly as good as you," he added, turning the camera in my angle.
"I suddenly feel like going out to take more pictures. I've missed doing this. I've missed taking pictures of everything. Mum used to get so mad every time I zoned out or came home late."
"Every time you came home late, they always thought you were lying about where you had been. They thought you had a boyfriend."
I huffed out a snort. "I know. She grounded me for two weeks when I came home around midnight. She didn't believe me when I told her I got stuck taking pictures because for some reason, they looked better at night. When she took the camera, I whimpered like a small child on the floor."
"At least, you can confidently admit you cried," he pointed out with a tease. "You clung to her legs and begged her for the camera back."
"And then you ratted me out when I tried to sneak into her room and take it back."
He raised his hands in defense. "I did not want to get on your mum's bad side."
"No, you were just a snitch. I thought you believed in the 'snitches get ditches'. I can clearly remember when you broke your mum's vase and denied it, then threatened me not to say anything because snitches get ditches."
"It's not my fault you were too naive to believe that."
I cleared the laughter out of my throat and straightened my shoulders, leaping down from the island to stand beside him, my shoulder rubbing against his.
"I was ten, and you scared me." I faltered and blew out a breath. "How could an eleven-year-old have been so evil?"
"Evil? If I recall, you were the one telling everyone at the playground that I still wet the bed. I spent the whole day being laughed at and ignored." His tone was pained with humiliation.
Laughter erupted from inside me. I had forgotten that happened. Yes, we've said and done things to each other over the years, and we had acknowledged our bad behaviors. His words and actions that dug into my soul with sharp claws.
"Well," I left it at that. I didn't know what to say. That I was a kid, or that he deserved it? Instead, I burst out laughing again, thinking about the memory again.
"I will throw you in a pool, Iris, so you better quit thinking about that."
I wiped my watery eyes. "You don't even have a pool," I pointed out.
He laughed again, and damn him. Damn him for having the perfect laugh. For the beautiful eyes and the perfect body; the sculptured abs hidden underneath his vest. Damn him for not sticking to the enemy line and crossing over to my safe territory. Damn him all to hell. For making my heartbeat and for making me flush.
"I'm having a book event later. I think you should come."
It came out of nowhere, rearing me back in surprise. Was he asking me out on a date? Was this a date? With him? I suddenly felt hot, an intense heat that made me want to stand under the air conditioner, which was crazy because the kitchen was freezing.
Jesse looked at me, his dark gaze traveling over my face. His attention made me want to squirm, and I hated that. I could feel my lips parting a little. I could hear the escape of my breath, and I felt like each time I took in a deep breath, I shudder over the graze of my clothes on my chest.
My brows shot up. "Why?" I questioned. What I meant to ask didn't appear to want to slip out of my tongue.
"I could use a photographer," he murmured. The lines of his face were so cut it hurt to look. Another smile tilted his lips. "This could be your chance to sharpen your skills. Iris, you haven't really touched a camera in years."
"I thought you said I still got it."
"That's because it's me. My face will come out perfectly in anyone's hands. A toddler could take a picture and it would come out looking like a professional did it."
My snort was loud and unelegant. "Is this your way of persuading me to come to the book event?"
His teeth caught on his lower lip. "This is me begging." And I was pinned by his stare. He was right, though. I still was not confident I still had it. He was right for the second time. Any lens could capture him and it would come out perfectly, even though I would never admit it to him. Unfortunately, he leaned in closer. "What do you say?"
I groped for a response, feeling my eyes with his view. All I wanted was to pull him to me, bury my nose into the hollow of his throat and draw in a deep breath to see if he tasted like he smelled.
His deep voice surrounded me, all lush heat and promise. "I will even pay for your time."
Before I could give him an answer, which was a yes because I was sold when he mentioned money, Viv strode into the kitchen with a huge bag in her hand, three books stacked under her armpit, and a phone in the other hand. She was staring at her phone when she stated, "Hey, Jesse. Is the bell not working because I've rung so many times and-" She looked up, rearing back in surprise when she saw me.
I internally sighed. What's with our family and friends stumbling upon us like this?
"Okay, what the hell is going on because I don't know what I stumbled on." She looked between the two of us in shock. "Is it safe in here?" she whispered the last bit, looking around the kitchen for any sign of trouble. There was none.
I waved a hand. "Hey, Viv."
She blinked. "You're really here. Why are you here? What are you doing here? Why didn't you tell me you were here?!" She dumped the bag on the counter, then her Starbucks, the book and her purse along with the car keys. I had no idea how this woman was able to carry all of these things with two hands.
Jesse didn't care to move away, one hand crossed over his chest. "Did you bring it?" he asked, completely ignoring her question.
"Yes, to that question and any question you might have," she threw back, drifting her gaze between us. "I would like to know what's going on here because this is so mind blowing I don't want to move and come out of the simulation I'm in."
He regarded her with raised brows. "Do you not remember that the boss' private life should remain private?"
"Psh." She waved him off, sliding into a stool. "That ended the moment Iris, and I became friends." Then she gasped, leaning to me. "Does this mean we won't have our weekly Jesse Price club? A shame. I was starting to warm up to the 'insult my boss' thing."
My eyes widened. "Viv!"
"What?" She grinned with a chuckle. "Isn't he like your boyfriend now? Besides, women are allowed to shit talk about their men."
"Viv, do I need to reduce your salary and have you taken off the annual bonus?"
"Shit, Jesse, I didn't know you were mean. But, anyway...." She slid him an envelope, winking at me. My name was scribbled on it. "I'm so glad you're going to take our pictures today, Iris, and hello...." She waved her hands in the air again. "I had no idea your major was photography. Why didn't you say anything? I would have made you take all my pictures."
Jesse shifted closer and bent closer to look down at me. "Want to send her away?"
I glanced at Viv, who was grinning like a Cheshire Cat. I didn't think she heard what he said, so she was still taking in the scene and how close Jesse and I had gotten.
I pushed him to the left with my shoulder. "How about you shower and let Viv and I talk, hmm?"
"Aright, but I'm going to take that as a yes that you're coming to the event."
With a nod, he left while I looked back at his assistant, who was still grinning. I couldn't hide the smile that perked up on my face.
"You bitch...." she dragged the last word out, and I laughed.
--
I have never been to a book event before, but I could say it was a lot more than what I expected. It was huge. Security arrangements were tight. Each hall was segmented into many stalls managed by the respective publishing houses, and Jesse's stall was by far the largest and the most crowded. His company had three latest publications on display. Banners of title covers and fine computerized printing made the stall look more attractive and alluring.
Viv welcomed all the people that approached their stall, and I took pictures of the fans that went around looking at the books. I got to meet the authors and took their pictures every time they interacted with a fan. I haven't seen a glimpse of Jesse in almost an hour, and the more time passed, the numbers of people kept increasing. Getting lost in the pictures I was taken was such an incredible feeling that I have missed, and he was right. I could still find my way around the camera as though I never stopped. Viv introduced me to a fifteen-year-old girl, and I was amazed to learn they signed to have her book series published. I spent the next twenty minutes listening to her gush about her upcoming debut, and it made me feel a bit sad when I remembered it was exactly how I looked when I told my parents I was going to open a flower shop.
By the time I saw Jesse, he was hounded by a group of people. I learned from Viv that he had to attend a panel in twenty minutes, so I was going to be left alone for a while. She, herself, was too busy to look out for me. In the end, I got tired and put away the camera, deciding to stroll around. I already had a pass for the panel, but I didn't go because I didn't think I could sit through it for one hour. I texted both Jesse and Viv that I was leaving first before shoving myself out of the double doors.
I strolled to where the car was packed, careful not to drop my bag and break the camera. Just as I had inserted the key, I heard someone coming up behind me and I spun around instantly, hands held up in defense. It was Jesse, and I shoved him back a little.
"Jesus, Jesse, I thought I was going to get robbed." My heart hammered against my chest and it took me a couple of seconds to get down from my fear.
He was trying real hard not to laugh at my expense. I rolled my eyes, knowing my face was still red.
"I got your text," was all he said, stepping closer and angling his phone to me. "I had to rush out here."
"Wait....aren't you supposed to be having a panel right now with your author?" A sheepish smile came onto his face and I gasped. "You didn't!" But he did. He walked out on the panel. "To see me? Are you crazy? I was just heading home to see my mum."
He stepped closer, so he caged me against the car. "Why?" He pressed into my space, crowding me. "Something happened to your mum?"
We were in the parking lot, and I wasn't keen on any kind of PDA. I pressed my palms on his chest, but he was like cement. He was not moving and his heart was picking up pace.
"No." I gave a short laugh. "I got a text from her this morning and I was thinking of going home to add some touches to the pictures I took today. You're sounding like someone with an abandonment issues."
He straightened and stepped back to give me space, some of the amusement leaving him. "I do have abandonment issues, Iris," he said, a glint in his eyes. "Why do you think I'm unable to let you go?"
I couldn't tell if he was serious or not because I have never heard him say he had abandonment issues. Yeah, his parents were a lot busy when he was a kid, but he hung around my family so much I didn't think it was possible to have abandonment issues when they dotted on him like he was their new religion.
So, I joked. "Maybe because you're a psychopath?"
His eyes suddenly cleared, sobering. The lines around his mouth tightened. "Not funny."
"I thought I was hilarious."
"Are you going to stay at your mum's tonight?" he inquired.
He was asking if I was coming back to his place or not. "I don't know. I hope she doesn't ask me to stay over."
"And if she says that?" he questioned, eyeing me with intent. "You will say no, right?" He held my waist, touching my bare hip as he drew me to his body and chimed in, "Cause I want you back on my bed again tonight."
My breath hitched, not able to form actual words as warm sensations filled my stomach. What do I say to that? Someone saved me. Some guy called out his name, who looked like someone who works for Jesse. I had seen him in the panel.
Jesse moved away and looked over his shoulder. He nodded at the guy before returning his gaze on me. He doesn't say anything but left the possibility to me. He turned and head back into the building.
I was lying when I said mum called me. I wanted to be alone for a little while, but when I felt so guilty over the lie, I had to go home to my parents. I spent the remaining evening listening to her talk about how her friends had gushed about Jason's wedding, and if I had called my brother today. If I hadn't stopped her from dialing his number, my mum would have disrupted their honeymoon. Seriously, who bothers newlyweds?
Dad loved the pictures I showed him. I had an extra computer at home, so I transferred everything and spent three hours editing. I didn't leave my old bedroom until after six when mum called me for dinner. That was when I remembered time had really passed.
"Iris, do you think Jesse has a girlfriend?"
The food I was eating almost caused me to choke by mum's question, but I swallowed it down and replied with, "Why? Are you planning on leaving dad?"
The response made dad laugh, but not her. She threw me a glare while dad and I shared a hidden laugh.
She pinned me with a tired gaze. "Can you be serious for one minute?"
"I am. I asked why."
"Because I think-"
I interrupted, "Please, don't tell me you're going to play matchmaker. If Jesse wants a girlfriend, he can find himself one. He's a grown ass man for God's sake." I stuffed another spoonful of salad, not because I liked it, but because I realized what I had done wrong.
"You've never defended him before." She gave me a suspicious gaze. "You're not planning something, are you?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know, but whatever it is, just leave him out of it. Jesse has already dealt with your tantrums half of his life. He doesn't need you to add another years to it."
It made me snort. I didn't mean it, but I couldn't help it when she constantly make him out to be a victim when he was the author of every miserable thing in my life. Her love for Jesse had not stopped or reduced over the years, not that I expected it to. Now that Jason was married, I knew her attention would be on Jesse now. Marry one son off, prepare to marry off another.
The fact that she was invested in his love life would make Jesse shudder if he knew. I knew how he'd feel about my controlling mother, but he'd be too nice to speak out on it. If I leave it for him to deal with, he would be engaged to someone by the end of the month. Knowing him, he could never say no to mum. He had never been able to.
"Why don't you leave the matter alone, darling?" Dad plainly said, coming to the rescue. "These young kids don't need us for any help. It's best we leave them be." He patted her hand.
I shot him a grateful look because honestly, I couldn't deal another minute without blowing up on her-mainly because Jesse was not her child, I was. Her priorities needed to lie with me, not on someone's child. And because I knew the bitterness of having your own mother prefer another, I didn't want it to end up hurting my relationship with Jesse.
The rest of the dinner went peacefully with no sore subject being brought up again. Days like this, I felt closer to my parents when I wasn't feeling insecure and jealous every time the boys were mentioned. This night, it was just the three of us, and I couldn't have asked for anything better than this.
-
It was midnight when I woke up. I'd fallen asleep on Jesse's chest. My legs were entwined with his, my head tucked in his neck, and my arm draped over his chest. Jesse's scent filled the air, and I closed my eyes as my fingers slowly threaded through his hair. My lips glided up the side of his neck, tasting his skin. He was fast asleep. He slept peacefully, his breath easing out of him.
I didn't want to wake him up, so I crawled out of the bed and tiptoed to the bathroom. I peed and returned to the bedroom. He was still fast asleep. Heading to the double doors, I noticed a light rain splattering the window panes. I opened the doors to the balcony and stepped out, careful not to take a few more strides and get wet under the rain.
I closed my eyes and listened to the rain dotting the trees and ground as the light wind caressed my face. Thoughts drifted through my mind as thunder rumbled and my hair floated on the wind around my face. I stretched out my hand and let the raindrop on my palm before fluttering my eyes open. Then I took another step forward, and I felt the rain all over me-wetting my hair and body, I felt it all around me. Something clogged my throat and I couldn't breathe. I gripped the tank I was wearing, fisting it in my grip as the rain continued to beat around and all over me. It took a few minutes before I stepped back into the bedroom.
I found a chair that faced the bed and sat on it, watching Jesse sleep.
And I stared.
I stared. And stared. And stared.
I stared until I felt a prick in my heart. Until I felt nauseous and vomit came up to my throat, but I didn't let it slip out. I ran to the bathroom and hunched over the toilet, emptying the contents of my stomach into the bowl as tears slipped out from my eyes. I made sure to flush the toilet before dragging myself up. After washing my mouth, I returned to the bedroom, and it was like the temperature had risen. It felt hot. I realized where it was coming from. The burning sensation was coming from my insides.
I walked out and tiptoed to the bed, where Jesse was sleeping soundly. I hovered above him, watching his breath ease out of him, and I clenched my teeth.
For the past few weeks, I had been waking up in the middle of the night to vomit. Every touch, every kiss, every time we'd cared and loved, it all came down to midnight every day. My hands would shake. My stomach would roll and bile would rise to the back of my mouth. My eyes burned with tears that didn't fall each time I stared at him. Each time I had to pretend that I had let it go.
Each lie I had to live with.
My head was splitting trying to take in what I had done-smiling, laughing, and allowing him to touch me. I couldn't let it go. I tried to, but I just couldn't.
I couldn't let go of what he had done because of an apology, a reason. What mattered was he did what he did, and it may seem like it was nothing, but it was everything to me. Years could not fade the scar in my heart. Apology and reason couldn't take away the pain in my heart. The haunted memories.
They were not words, you see. They were words and action. Jesse wanted me to forget all the horrible things he made me feel because he thought an apology would work. He thought I could forget everything because of a slightest bit of affection. Because of his one good deed.
My heart tears in two every time he smiled at me as if he had forgotten the years. Because he wasn't the victim, it was easier for him to move past it. Because he wasn't the victim, he had the audacity to think I was letting go of the past.
For the past months, my anger and pain had molded into something else. Numbness. Coldness.
But no more.
The scores had not settled.
He couldn't hurt me and get away with it.
I slipped into the clothes I had worn and zipped up my jacket. Jesse remained fast asleep. I left every piece of my item in his room to serve as a reminder. Earlier, I had gotten a text that I was accepted into the summer program I had applied for, and this was my escape. He wouldn't know where to find me. He wouldn't be able to follow me.
I leaned over the bed to place the note beside his pillow, inhaling his musky scent that made my heart jumped. It squeezed my heart, and I wanted to linger for another second, another moment. But no, lingering behind mean't I was at risk of him waking up.
Lingering behind meant I was at risk of staying back.
I left.
The note rested beside his pillow, burning through the sheets with my words.
I still hate you.