November
Over the next couple of weeks, Liv and I had become a lot closer. Her knowing the truth and being supportive about it had taken a thousand ton weight off of my shoulders. At the same time, Liv's support occasionally became...well, exhausting. I appreciated that she wasn't afraid to talk about it, that she wanted to offer advice and be there for me, but I hadn't even processed my own emotions.
In a way, I was also a little angry at her. If she'd known, if she had given me any indication that she was a safe person for me to confide in, then maybe I wouldn't have felt so lonely and alienated the past couple of years. I knew it wasn't fair for me to put any of that on her, that it wasn't her fault, but emotions are fickle things.
I'd told her everything about what went on between Josh and I, as well as told her about how I had hung out with Miles.
Afterwards, she'd nodded and said, "I understand why you did it."
"Why I did what?" I asked her.
"Chose Josh." The way Liv said it, like it was so clear to her, annoyed me. I didn't even fully understand it, the way I felt about him; Liv didn't know anything.
"Why did I do it, then?" I'd asked her.
"You and Josh understand each other. This other guy, Miles...he can't understand. It's like trying to get a robot to understand human emotions. It's beyond their understanding."
I stared at her, not saying anything. Then, Liv added, "Plus, I think you're scared. Josh's inability to get close to you feels comforting. Right?"
"What are you talking about?" I questioned her, raising my eyebrows. "Have you been watching too many astrology TikToks?"
Liv rolled her eyes at that. "No, I mean...you believe that Josh will never want anything to do with you, so you won't have to worry about ever taking that next step."
"Or maybe I'm just a cuck with a thing for tall guys," I said jokingly, despite deep down wondering if she was right.
Liv laughed. "Yeah, maybe."
Now, Liv's birthday was quickly approaching. She'd said she just wanted to hangout with a few of our friends, nothing too big, so our friend group decided to just hangout at one of our houses. Liv's only request was that it didn't take place at her place, and I definitely wasn't having it at my house.
In the end, Jake bravely offered up his place, which didn't surprise anyone, considering it was pretty obvious he had a thing for Liv. It was going to be me, Jake, Ben, Lydia, and Sophia, our core friend group. The OGs.
I had contemplated what I would give Liv for her present. Liv always gave really nice, thoughtful gifts; I was more a card with money type of friend. However, this time I knew I had to try a little harder than that. I ended up getting her a plush Isabelle from Animal Crossing and a Hellfire Club t-shirt from Stranger Things. It wasn't the most heartfelt gift, but it showed I was trying.
When Saturday night rolled around, Liv's birthday, we all found ourselves sitting in Jake's basement playing the Jackbox game, Quiplash.
Basically, you connect your phone with a code for Jackbox games, and for Quip, everyone gets a set of prompts that they have to answer; whichever person gets the most votes for their answers wins that round. It was sort of like a digital version of Cards Against Humanity.
Jake had been being uncharacteristically quiet since everyone arrived at his house. I also noticed he quickly sat down next to Liv on the couch, which would have been my usual seat, so I ended up sitting in an armchair off to the side. Sophia sat on the other side of Jake, a little closer than necessary.
The first prompt to show up on the giant TV screen that sat before us was "Superman's special power that he never tells anyone about." The two answers from our group that popped up were "guessing women's cup size" and "party rocking."
Liv had a tendency to snort every time her own answer appeared on the screen, so it wasn't surprising when "party rocking" earned all of the votes. The screen revealed that to be Liv's answer while the other was, of course, Jake's.
Jake finally spoke up. "Are you guys just voting for Liv's answers because it's her birthday?"
"Yes," Ben replied immediately, and Lydia hit his arm.
"Guys, I don't need your pity votes," Liv said. "My answers are funny. Just vote for whichever is funniest. In this case, it was obviously mine, but in the future..."
Jake side-eyed Liv. "My answer was funny!"
"Yeah, boobs. Definitely not something a middle schooler would've come up with," Liv shot back.
"I thought it was funny," Ben piped up.
"Exactly," Jake said, gesturing to Ben. "Connor, thoughts?"
"None," I replied.
"Pussy."
The next prompt and answers appeared on the screen; the prompt was, "The worst high school superlative: Most likely to ____." My answer, "Amount to nothing" appeared alongside Lydia's, "Die for nothing." Everyone cracked up, and votes ended up being split equally, considering the sentiments were very similar and a little too real.
Another prompt appeared on the screen: "Odd things to say in a sexy voice." The answers were dark, with the first being "The kids are dead" and the second was "That's the man who killed my father." Naturally, the first answer won, which ended up belonging to Sophia.
"You're a sick fuck," Jake told her.
"Takes one to know one," Sophia replied, grinning at him.
The last prompt was, "The worst song to be playing for your lap dance." This was one I'd answered with, "The Law & Order theme song," while the other prompt, revealed to be Liv's, said, "The Star-Spangled Banner." Liv contained herself this time, not giving away which answer was hers, and my answer ended up receiving most of the votes.
We got to the final stage of the game, The Last Lash. We all received the same prompt, which was, "Come up with a hit song with this word in the title: Bread."
My answer was "Levitating (feat. DaBread)" which, fairly enough, got no votes. Liv won this round and ultimately the game with her answer, "Bad Bread (Taylor's Version)."
Liv opened up her presents next. Lydia and Ben went in on a present together, which was likely picked out by Lydia and Ben just threw his name on the card. They got her a blanket with Steve Harrington on it and Ariana Grande perfume. Sophia got her a Starbucks gift card.
When Liv opened up my present, she got up and wrapped me in a hug. I noticed Jake eyeing us as we hugged, while Sophia eyed him.
Finally, she opened up Jake's gift, which consisted of a candle that said, "In this house, we play Taylor's Version" and a karaoke machine. As Liv read Jake's card, I saw her cheeks turn red. She gave him a smile that, to me, didn't seem genuine and whispered something to him.
Afterwards, she stood up and announced, "Let's play Fakin' It! And then I can destroy you all in karaoke."
"That's not how karaoke works," I told her, and she flipped me off in response.
For those unfamiliar, Fakin' It is another Jackbox game where one player is the "faker" each round and has to blend in while the other players try to identify who it is. Each round, everyone is given a prompt on their phones except for the faker, who has to fake their response without knowing the actual prompt.
We all retook our seats. Liv and Jake were still next to each other on the couch, notably with more of a gap between them, so Jake and Sophia's legs touched.
"Okay, everyone ready?" Jake asked, holding the controller.
I inwardly groaned when my phone told me that I was the faker for the first round and had to try to blend in.
When everyone submitted that they were ready, I raised my hand to try to blend in, hoping the prompt was something I could defend myself on. Liv, Lydia, and Jake also raised their hands.
Everyone began eyeing each other suspiciously as if this was Lord of the Flies.
"Con, you read Harry Potter?" Liv asked, narrowing her eyes at me.
"Yeah, in middle school," I lied. "I love Harry Potter." In truth, I couldn't give two shits about the series. The movies were decent enough despite J.K. Rowling being a TERF and queen of cringe/backtracking.
"There's no way Jake read the books," Sophia commented. "He probably can't even read."
"I can fucking read," Jake shot back, clearly annoyed. He'd seemed annoyed ever since Liv opened his card.
"Jesus, chill. I was just joking."
"Let's vote!" Lydia said, probably trying to diffuse the sudden tension.
Since everyone voted for Jake except for Liv, who voted for me, the faker escaped detection. The next prompt involved raising a number of fingers according to whatever the prompt said, which was a really tricky task for the faker, aka me. I decided to go in the middle and raise 5 fingers and hope for the best.
Everyone else showed 3-6 fingers, while Jake held up all 10.
The prompt showed up on the screen, which was "Hold up as many fingers as years the Civil War lasted."
"It was four years, guys," Sophia said. "We all need to vote for Jake this time, since he's clearly the faker."
"Fine, vote for the wrong person!" Jake rolled his eyes. "I will too just to prove to you all I'm not the damn faker. It's probably Ben. He's been way too quiet."
Finally, the game revealed that Jake wasn't the faker.
"I guess you really are just that dumb," Sophia muttered.
I made it through without being found out as the faker until the last round. Everyone, except for Liv, was shocked to see that I had quietly slid through every round without being found out.
"It's always the quiet ones," Jake said, smirking at me.
None of them, apart from Liv, understood the true irony.
Jake, after a while, went back to being his cocky, obnoxious self. Liv hooked up the karaoke machine and begged me to sing a duet with her, which I adamantly refused to do.
Liv also seemed to, without any prompting, taken up the role of matchmaker between Sophia and Jake by starting "Shallow" and handing a mic to each of them.
"This song is so overplayed," Jake said.
"C'mon," Sophia replied. "It's fun. Just do it, coward."
Jake gave in and the two of them gave what was possibly the worst rendition of "Shallow" ever performed.
Liv and Lydia did "Blank Space" together next, followed by more screeching from our friends, who were all shockingly terrible at singing. Ben and Jake also did an incredibly white version of "Hey Ya!" by Outkast.
I mostly sat back and watched my friends. I always felt like a bit of an imposter with them, never truly being myself, altering my personality to fit in. I wondered what they would think of me if they knew who I really was, if they'd accept me.
Finally, at around 11:00 PM, everyone was ready to leave. I got into Liv's car with her.
"I hope you had a good birthday," I told her.
She turned to smile at me. "I did! It was fun."
"Did...did something happen? I felt like the energy between you and Jake was...off."
Liv rolled her eyes as she slowed down for a stop sign. "Yeah, his card to me was...interesting."
"What do you mean?"
"He wrote, 'I'm really glad we're friends. You mean a lot to me. Happy Birthday. Love, Jake.' Like, what the hell?"
"Maybe...he meant it in a friend way?" I suggested, shrugging, though I doubted it. "He did say, 'Glad we're friends.'"
Liv let out a frustrated groan. "No, he didn't. Why do guys always have to be like that? Like, why can't we just be friends without making it weird?"
"Maybe I should ask Jake out," I said with a laugh.
Liv snorted. "Yeah, if you want him to ruin your life." She paused and then looked over at me with a horrified look on her face. "Shit, sorry. I didn't mean that. I just meant..."
I shrugged it off. "It's fine. I was obviously joking anyway."
"You're literally the only man I want in my life," Liv said, reaching over to put a hand on my arm.
"Wish I could say the same," I replied, my mind once again getting stuck on Josh.