Dreams don't always mean something, do they?
Have you ever had a dream that's warned you of something? Or even one that's come true?
Pronunciation:
Hnefatafl - neffa-taffle
***
Sleep did not provide the escape from reality I hoped it would.
My dreams conjured up what I forced away while awake. Again and again, I saw Bruadar standing by the wall of the courtyard, a shadowed figure coming up behind him, the way he smiled before he turned. Then the silver flash of a blade. Those images morphed into the moon aflame while the sun froze, frothing seas battering against cliffs with such might that rock that had stood for millennia grumbled into the dark depths. Snow battered everything in sight, freezing pups in their beds and parents by their empty hearths.
The familiar crying of the dead haunted every visage that plagued me. I felt that now familiar tugging trying to lure me into across realms, but either I was too exhausted to follow, or even in sleep I was aware enough to refuse. My name was called again and again, and each time I didn't answer. Because I didn't want to see anymore. I didn't want to end up trapped in the dark with Narfi, or other damned souls, or risk showing up somewhere that Sköll could find me.
I didn't want more confusing scenes of a towering ash tree on fire, or tall standing gates being bombarded by steel and flame. Even the strange mouse feasting on a bloody heart amongst all the carnage was enough to make my blood run cold.
Why was I seeing any of it?
I wanted the dreams I'd had before; of running with my uncle and brother through sunlit forests of silver trees with their small petal leaves dripping like beads from thin swaying branches. . .
Was it Bruadar who was trying to get through to me? Or were the visions I saw simply my mind trying to work through all that had happened? It was becoming near impossible to deny the pull any longer but the more I fought the call, as if my powers were as much a part of my nature as shifting to fur.
Fear of what I'd see won out in the end.
My body reacted in a last-ditch effort of resistance, and my eyes flew open on a sharp inhale that startled the other occupants in Hati's den. My muscles seized all at once from the violent awakening, then relaxed to leave me limp in the bed staring at the roof. However long I'd slept, I did not feel rested in the slightest. I rolled over and squeezed my eyes shut with the intention to go back to sleep, but the moment my eyes closed, I knew I'd find no rest. Especially upon waking in bed without the male who'd promised to be there.
"Restless without your lover beside you?"
Just like that, Astrid brought a reluctant smile to my lips.
"It concerns me how comfortable you are referring to your cousin as my lover," I replied, my voice muffled under the first.
"It concerns me too," Farrin agreed, alerting me to who else was in the room.
Dragging myself to sit up, every small movement brought a tightening to muscles threatening to cramp up again. Yesterday's excursion was something that apparently required more than a few hours sleep to recover from. My gaze strayed to the tapestries hanging in front of the windows to see streaks of white light filtering through the hidden shutters; which meant I hadn't slept the whole day away. Dark drew in fast here so it couldn't have been any later than an hour or two after midday.
Astrid and Farrin had kept their promise to stay with me too. Sat before the fire on a mismatched chair and stool, a small table had been dragged from the far side of the room to sit between them with what appeared to be a game set up on a square board. The game pieces were carefully carved from what I could only guess to be a pale wood but they shone and glittered in the firelight like polished stone, some a darker brown to distinguish from each player. Faces adorned some of the pieces, others wearing helms or carrying long spears and shields.
Whatever it was they were embroiled in, my gasping awake wasn't enough to take either of their gazes away from their competition. Though I could only see the back of Astrid's head, she was bent over the table as if scrutinising every inch.
"We believed you would sleep well into the night so we thought we'd pass the time with a game of Hnefatafl," Farrin murmured absentmindedly as he moved a piece across the board.
Astrid's finger began to drum on the side of the table.
Sliding from the bed, I grabbed the dress lying at the bottom and tugged it on. Even with the fire, there was a slight chill in the room. Or maybe it was my tumbling emotions that froze my veins. Food had been set out for me too, the warmth of spiced meet tickling my nose, but it was the linger sweetness of Hati's scent that called to me more. He'd come by at some point but hadn't stayed for long.
Wood clicked as Astrid finally made her move, followed swiftly by another from Farrin that made my friend sit back glumly in her chair.
"Bugger it," she muttered, spinning around to face me. "He cheats, you know."
Farrin scoffed. "I do not. You just don't think about the long game and react badly whenever it looks like you have to rethink whatever plan you conjure up on the spot."
"No. You cheat." She sniffed and stood, leaving her mate chuckling as he happily continued playing the game against himself.
Astrid scrutinised me with as much intensity as I imagine she'd given the board, sky blue eyes raking over every inch of me and finding me wanting. Fingers played with the crows nest of hair knotted at the back of my head, but I couldn't find it in me to much care how I appeared. I knew it well enough. The bags beneath my eyes felt puffy and hot, my legs still felt shaky from overexertion, and I had to restrain myself from shoving Astrid out the way so I could get to the food.
"Hati's going to announce Bruadar's death to the pack tonight; alongside new rules for everyone's safety." She squeezed my wrist, her fingers warm and sure. "He wants you there at the hall, to make sure you're seen by everyone, so shall I run you a bath? You might want to consider it. Once he's told the pack about Bruadar, his next plan is to tell the council everything else. As a member of the council, you'd have to be there too. . ."
Suddenly the food didn't seem half so appetising.
If Hati was going to tell the council everything, did that mean about me as well? It was unavoidable now I supposed. He couldn't very well tell them about being taken by his brother without telling them the true reason why, could he? My fate would be thrown to the decisions of others again. They could demand I leave the pack, for I only brought further danger. This morning's death proved that.
"I don't need a bath," I began, pausing when my friend snorted and lifted a brow of disagreement. Pursing my lips, I reiterated, "I don't need a bath. I'll go down to the river. I feel dirty in a way that a bath won't make me feel clean, and I don't like spending so much time within walls."
It still made me claustrophobic. Sometimes I needed to feel the breeze on my face and the chill in my bones to remind me not to become to accustomed to the luxuries of castle life.
"Hati told us what happened but I still can't believe it; that Sköll is really back. That he finally made a move." Astrid shook her head and wrapped her arms around her middle. "I was born when he was still roaming the lands but I was too young to remember. He might as well have been a made up tale told to scare me as a pup. . .not now."
Of course. She might have been a daughter of the Vargr too, but she'd lived her life here in this realm. Her eyes had seen magic and wonder, but to her the Gods might be as strange a thing to think about in terms of reality as it was for me. Did Sköll know about her? He must have. Did he feel anything for the cousin he'd never met? He must have felt some honour in blood, or he and Hati would have destroyed each other centuries ago. I hoped that last ember of decency would extend to her if anything were to go wrong for us. . .I wondered if she hoped the same.
I'd never seen Astrid look so vulnerable before. The way misted blues locked into the wall as she lost herself to whatever thoughts roiled in her head. She'd been through much the last few days. In one night, her cousin had gone missing, I'd run off with Farrin who'd then been attacked - if lightly - by Vali. Then I'd disappeared. Now news of another cousin all but returning from the dead to wreak havoc on us all?
I decided then that no family remained untouched by complications. It was unfortunate our complications came from deities and not something more mundane.
Farrin stood and touched his mate's back, snapping her back to attention. He offered me a smile too but it was too strained to be real. "Why don't we talk of something else? Keep our spirits light. If I'm feeling the punishment for last night's scouting excursion, I can't imagine how you feel. The food won't stay hot for long, maybe eat before traipsing off into the cold river?"
The subtle hint was more for Astrid's benefit than mine. She glanced between us both, realising she was blocking my path to eat, and quickly stepped out of the way.
Two sets of eyes watched like hawks and I made my way to the table. Each steps felt like pushing against a raging current, my muscles struggling to obey after being pushed so far the night before. I felt their gazes burning into my skin as they watched me struggle, and a shudder of awareness went up my spine as I sat. If I didn't trust them so much, I might have felt challenged having them see me at my weakest. Again. I understood why Father grew so defensive and grumpy when he was injured.
I did my best to ignore them, tugging close the plates overflowing with soft vegetables that were thankfully still warm and sweet to the taste. Well-cooked meat nearly melted in my mouth, better cuts than I was used to so I was sure some strings had been pulled down in the kitchen for me. But even with delicious food that helped return some of my lost energy, I wished I was in fur so bristling hackles or an irritated twitch of tail might ward off my carers.
"You can stop staring. I'm alright. I'm not going to rant about the dead or collapse into a different realm." Tearing apart a piece of rabbit, even I flinched at my tone. "Sorry. I didn't mean-"
"Don't be sorry. We should know better than to stare at a ravenous wolf." Farrin ushered Astrid back to her chair to reset their game, but I sensed him linger a moment before joining her.
For a while I ate in silence, forcing my mind into a blank state where I only thought of how good it was to fill my aching belly. It helped but a little. Agonising thoughts pressed ever forward no matter how I closed my eyes and chewed as if my life depended on it. When my plate was finally empty, I stood to make the trek to the river so my appearance might not give pups nightmares. My companions stood too, Astrid giving me a sheepish look when I let out a sigh.
"We aren't to let you out of our sights," she explained.
"I think I'll appreciate the company," I said honestly. Being alone would only give my mind a chance to churn out more blame.
Braving my dour mood, she slipped over to entwine our arms together as she often did. Farrin was left to grab rough spun cloth to dry with so I wouldn't turn into an icicle before we could return to the castle.
We left out a small side door, managing to avoid working members of the pack by taking a rarely used trail down to a quiet part of the river. The trees grew sparse and thin as the ground began to climb the steep sloops of the mountains guarding us, but levelled out a stretch to reveal grassy banking by a deep and slow moving patch of the normally quick moving river.
The air was cool and fresh by the water, and I sucked in a greedy breath, letting it out slowly along with hours of stress from my shoulders. Even before I stripped of my dress and dared to dip a toe into the water, I could feel how icy it was. I relished the sting anyway as I waded out, my skin turning pink and pebbling with gooseflesh.
There was only one way to get used to it though.
I held my breath and plunged beneath the freezing depths so my whole body was submerged. My first instinct was to gasp, which was how many ended up drowning in cold water - something we'd been taught as pups - but instead I made my limbs relax and slowly allowed myself to surface again.
Farrin lifted a brow, shuffling slightly as if rooting himself to the safety of the banking. Astrid grinned and quickly began to shuck off her own clothes to join me.
"You both must be mad," he muttered, crossing his legs to sit on the grass, though his eyes held a glimmer of amusement as he watched.
I laughed as my friend cursed and screamed at the cold, but she trudged forward until she met me in the middle of the river with chattering teeth. Her cheeks were flushed and she bobbed from foot to foot like the pebbles beneath her feet were hot coals.
"I regret this," she forced out.
Splashing her face, I tried to tug her hand but she was too fast for me. "It will feel better once you have a dunk, I promise."
She gave me an unconvinced look, glancing over at Farrin who seemed to not believe she had it in her either. Of course, that was exactly why she did it.
I felt a little more like myself as she took a big breath and threw herself beneath the surface with all the vigour of jumping Salman escaping a bear. A real laugh bubbled forth, and I turned with an easy grin on my face before sinking once more into the water to wash grime out of dark tangled locks. Astrid rose spluttering and trembling, her protests accompanied by Farrin's howling laughter as she quickly marched right back out the river.
I felt guilty for convincing her it was a good idea but the look on her face had been worth it. Though, I was certain she'd done it more to put a smile on my face than because she'd really wanted to. If they thought I was mad for enjoying the icy depths, they'd think Anndra more so. He was completely unbothered by all weather and temperatures, as happy to run about in the hot beating sun as he was to laze about in piles of snows.
Quiet giggles and low murmurs started up, and I regretted glancing back to see what the pair were up to. Farrin seemed intent on rubbing every inch of his mate dry with the cloth before allowing her to pick up her dress. My cheeks flushed as I quickly whipped back around before I caught sight of something I'd rather not.
The sounds of their teasing each other carried as I rubbed and scraped the memory of last night and the remnants of the forest mud from my skin. And while I did, I cried a few silent tears for the male who'd been the first of us to fall, and those who would join him before this was all over.