Chapter 30: Chapter 30

Author's notes:

Omg I can't believe this is the last chapter of the story. When I started writing it I didn't even know what I was doing, but it seems like it went quite well! Thank you – every single one of you – with all my heart for your support, you have been my sunshine in the last months. I love you ♡

***

Summer was Alexander's favourite season – the weather was sunny and warm, the air was full of bees and butterflies, and, most importantly, he and Thomas usually spent most of their free time at Monticello, where they didn't have to worry about being discovered. That particular summer, Thomas was directing some major changes in the west wing of the house – he'd designed it himself – and so they had to travel back and forth from there to Washington DC. They didn't mind travelling together though; they would choose a different book every time and read it aloud during the journey, debating their ideas about whatever topic it would raise. Thomas was always amazed by how much they disagreed on – they were at the polar opposites of almost every single argument. The only thing they completely agreed on was that they loved each other, and that was enough to overcome every other quarrel.

It was mid-June and they were spending one last night in Monticello before going back to DC. Alexander thought about the impending duel and gloomily wondered whether that was his last night in that house. He tried not to think about Thomas's state if he was to return to Monticello alone, after everything he'd gone through already.

"Thomas, are you coming to bed?"

"In a minute, I'm writing a letter to Gilbert." Thomas answered without looking up from several sheets of paper.

"What are you telling him?" Alexander stood up and hugged him from behind, letting Thomas rest his head on his stomach for a moment.

"I'm not telling you," he teased and covered the letter with a book to stop Alex from peeping.

"Come on! Are you talking about me?"

Alexander leaned over to grab the letter, but Thomas swirled on his chair and quickly caught his boyfriend into his arms, trapping him and starting a tiny-kisses attack on his face.

"You bastard, let me see the letter!"

"Never!" Thomas laughed at Alexander's attempt to free himself and eventually let him go. "All right, but it will cost you."

"What do you want?" Alexander was still smiling, but his look quickly changed into a very serious one as soon as he heard Thomas's request.

"You have to tell me why you were crying the other night."

"Whatever. I've changed my mind, you can keep your letter." Alexander turned to go to bed, trying to hide his guilty face.

"Alex, wait." Thomas took his hand and gently pulled him back. "You don't have to tell me right away, but I want you to remember that I'm here. The last time we stopped talking about our problems, we –

"I know." Alexander gently kissed Thomas's soft lips and forced a smile on his face, trying to seem calm. "You don't have to worry, it was nothing important."

"Okay, I believe you, love."

"So, can I read the letter now?"

"Of course not." He chuckled. "But I can assure you that I'm not talking about you. Not that I don't want to, but my letters could be read by indiscreet eyes – in fact, I'm trying to convince Gilbert to visit, he'd be so happy to know about us."

"Doesn't he want to come?"

"I offered him the governorship of Louisiana but he declined, so now I'm trying to make him come visit at least."

"We should let Hercules talk to him," Alexander muttered, mostly to himself. "Perhaps he'll be persuaded then."

"Who?"

"Nothing, I was only thinking about the past," Alexander chuckled at something only he knew and Thomas returned to his letter with a shrug.

By the time Thomas went to bed, Alexander had already fallen asleep. Thomas slipped under the covers next to him and noticed that his eyes were puffy – he'd been crying again. He hugged his boyfriend and pulled him closer, hiding his face into Alexander's hair. Thomas was ready to protect him from everyone and everything, but what could he do if Alexander refused to talk with him? He fell asleep wondering how could he protect Alexander from himself.

Before June ended, Alex went to stay with his family for a week and spent a couple of days in New York to meet some of his old friends; he hadn't seen many of them for too long, and – he didn't really want to think about it, but couldn't help to – who knows if he would ever see them again. He'd sent Nathaniel Pendleton to negotiate with Burr's second, but they hadn't reached any agreement, and so he'd took advantage of his trip to talk with Mr Hosack, his doctor, as well.

Saying goodbye to his family had been one of the hardest things Alexander had ever done. He'd been overwhelmed by all their past memories together, and had felt guilty for all those years he had wasted by staying away from them – they could've had many more memories together if only he had told Eliza the truth right away. He'd said farewell to each one of his children with his heart heavy and a sad smile on his face.

"William, remember to behave and to always do whatever mum tells you to, understood?" He'd hugged the youngest Hamilton, now an almost-seven-year-old tornado. "And Angie, never stop practicing your scales, you're an amazing pianist, sweetheart."

"I'll play our song every day," Angelica had promised, hugging him tight and swiping away a tear – she'd always hated goodbyes. "It'll be our family's lullaby."

"Alex and James, don't forget to say your prayers before going to bed, and remember to always help your mama, all right?" He'd held the two brothers into his embrace for a moment before turning to the other sibling. "John you'll have to be a good example to them, I'll send you some other history books so that you can read them to your siblings after supper, how does it sounds?"

"It sounds perfect, thanks dad!"

"Philip." Alexander had looked his beloved son in the eyes – he'd started working as a lawyer and had recently been courting a young woman from the city. "I really hope to meet your Anne next time I come."

"Pops, she's not my Anne!" Philip had blushed. "But I'll introduce her to all of you next time you visit."

"I can't wait to be grandfather!" Alexander almost broke down at the thought of never meeting Philip's children – he'd always wanted to be part of a big family.

"Woah! Okay, just slow down pa."

Alexander had looked back at all the smiling faces waving him goodbye from the doorstep and had almost burst into tears at the thought of never seeing them again. Eliza had followed him to his carriage, looking askance at his sad face.

"Alexander, what is it?"

"What is what?"

"Don't you dare use your doe eyes with me. I know something is upsetting you, hon."

"You're right," Alexander had sighed deeply and had taken her hands, weighting his every word. "I don't know exactly how it happened, but I've found myself on a path from which I can't go back; I can't change my direction or try to make things better. I'm completely helpless."

"My dearest," Eliza's face had betrayed her worry, but she'd offered him her usual kind smile and reassuring words, "you've always found a way to change your life for the better. There's nothing that can stop you from choosing your own fate."

"I don't think I'll be able to write my way out this time."

"Alexander, are you –

"I have to leave." He'd kissed her on the cheek and had hold her tight for a moment. "I'll always love you, Eliza. Best of wives and best of women."

"Goodbye Alexander." A tear had escaped her eye, she seemed always to understand what was going on in his mind, even when he didn't say anything at all. "Remember you can do anything, hon. And if it seems too much, just try and stay alive – that would be enough."

"Bye, Betzy."

***

During their last week together, Thomas had a lot of meetings to host and was always in a hurry; fortunately, work kept him so busy that he didn't comment on Alexander's changing mood – he would switch from happy to pensive, to cheerful, to sad again; he didn't sleep much and he almost always cried at night, looking at Thomas and thinking about their, now lost, future life together.

The night before the duel they had a nice dinner together – Alexander had asked Thomas to take the night off and Thomas had probably perceived his desperation because he'd left a report half-read on his desk and had followed him to the kitchen.

"Do you want me to cook something?"

"Yes, I love your cooking. You can make macaroni and cheese, I swear I won't complain."

"Wow! Are we in a good mood tonight?" Thomas tried to steal a kiss from Alexander, gently pushing him towards the wall and placing a hand next to his head to trap him.

"Don't get too confident, Jefferson," Alexander teased, blinking innocently. "At least take me out for dinner first."

Thomas chuckled and let him go, grabbing an apron instead, and heading to the stove.

"As you wish," he winked and started to cook, humming some tune under his breath.

Alexander just stayed there, looking at him cooking and trying to ignore the ache in his heart; he quickly wiped away a lonely tear that suddenly escaped his eye.

Too few hours later, Alexander gently freed himself from Thomas's embrace, trying not to wake him up. The air in the room seemed to be ice cold once he moved away from Thomas's warm body. Alexander quickly dressed and sat at the desk to write his last farewell to the love of his life; he lit a candle and started to write, the quill scrapping softly on the paper and no other sound filling the deafening silence of the room.

"Alexander, come back to sleep." Thomas sleepy voice called him and Alex almost jumped out of surprise, but Thomas didn't notice – he was used to wake up and find his boyfriend at the desk, writing.

"Yes, sorry – I just need to write something down." Alexander smiled weakly. "I'll be there in a minute, did the candle light wake you up?"

"No, it's just this dream I keep having." Thomas looked drowsily at Alex from the bed. "Every time I have this nightmare, I try to wake up before it's too late."

"Too late for what?"

Thomas lazily rubbed his eyes, without answering. After a few moment, he offered a hand to Alexander, gesturing him to sit on the bed for a moment. Alexander was afraid he wouldn't be able to leave if he accepted it; he hesitated a moment and eventually stepped next to their bed and took Thomas's hand.

"Do you remember the night I almost shot Burr?"

"Yeah. You wouldn't have done any damage, honestly."

"I had a bad feeling, as if I wouldn't ever be able to protect you – mostly from yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"Alexander, I know I love you," Thomas said after a minute, his voice was still a bit sleepy. "I'm sure of my feelings as much as I'm sure the sun will rise in the morning. Nothing will ever change what I feel for you."

"I know Thomas, we'll talk about it tomor –

"But if you don't want to stay anymore, I won't stop you."

"Wait. What are you talking about?"

"I hear you cry at night." Thomas closed his eyes – it felt almost like a strange dream, he was saying out loud every thought that had passed through his mind in the last month. "You don't talk to me anymore. That's why now I am talking. And I want you to know that your happiness is more important than mine."

"Stop this nonsense, Thomas. I need you to remember this: I love you more than anything else." Alexander ignored the tears that were flooding out of his eyes and went on, trying to keep a steady voice. "If I ever leave, you'll have to always keep in mind that I had probably no other choice."

"You love me more than anything else?"

"Yes."

"You promise?"

Alexander hesitated a moment. Did he love Thomas more than his legacy? More than his honour? Well, he could lie. After all, he only had some more hours left with Thomas, a little lie wouldn't hurt anyone.

"I promise." Alexander forced himself to say – why did it hurt so much though?

"Don't go then." Thomas's voice was almost a whisper, he seemed to be half-asleep.

"I'm here, Thomas." Alexander was thankful Thomas's eyes were closed, or he'd been able to read his lies by simply looking at his guilty blue eyes.

Thomas smiled a sleepy smile and gave a weak squeeze at Alexander's hand, his chest raising and lowering rhythmically and his body relaxing more and more every moment.

"My Alexander," he murmured, sliding into a peaceful sleep.

Alexander breathed deeply a couple of times, inhaling Thomas's scent and trying to impress that sweet memory in his mind. Then, he stood up and went to the desk again, grabbing quill and paper and writing down what he needed to with a determined look on his face. In a couple of hours everything would be over.

***

Aaron Burr looked up at the stars that were shining bright over Washington DC; the sky was dark, but the sun would raise in a couple of hours. He smiled – that day's dawn would be a new beginning for him. He'd come to the capital to finally get his revenge and free the world from that useless scum called Alexander Hamilton. He and William Van Ness walked together to Bladensburg, where the duel would take place; Burr had proposed Weehawken, but Hamilton had written back that he couldn't move too far from DC.

"Do you want me to try and negotiate again with Pendleton?" Van Ness asked nervously.

"Not really, just pretend to listen and refuse whatever offer he proposes."

"What if Hamilton apologises?"

"It's too late for an apology. I want that bastard dead by the end of the day."

"Do you think he'll come?"

"He will. He would never risk to lose his honour," Burr said resolutely. "You know what he did when we accused him of fraud; he'd rather die than face public dishonour."

William stood silent for a minute, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that they were about to kill the former Secretary of Treasure. He'd always admired Hamilton as a politician, but he agreed with Burr that a duel was unavoidable after what Hamilton did to him. They disagreed on the outcome though – most disputes ended without even shooting, there was no need to really hurt someone.

"Are you sure that this duel will save you from political decline?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, many people love Hamilton and he doesn't really hold any power in the Cabinet anymore so –

"Do I have to ask someone else to be my second?"

"No, Aaron. Listen, I'm just trying to prevent you from doing something that would end your career and your life as an honourable man."

"That will be Hamilton's fate, not mine. Don't worry William. I'll be fine."

Van Ness didn't answer and they slowly walked to the duelling ground where Hamilton would take his last breath. And then they waited.

***

Thomas woke up at dawn – as usual – and instinctively stretched his arm to hug Alexander, but his fingers only grabbed the cold bed sheets and he opened his eyes to look at the empty spot next to him. Thomas blinked a couple of times to clear his mind from all the dreams of the previous night – he'd had his usual nightmare, and then another one where he'd talked with Alexander, but he couldn't remember what they discussed about. He sat on the bed and stretched his back, looking at the desk as if he was expecting to find Alexander asleep with his face on the books – that wouldn't be the first time. But he wasn't there; there were only a lot of crumpled sheets of paper and letters scattered all around. Thomas washed and dressed up for work – it was a Wednesday and he had to meet with Madison to work on the new-approved change of the 12th amendment. Once dressed, he picked the crumpled papers from the floor and placed them on Alexander's desk – that man had to learn to tidy up after his mess.

In that moment, a sheet of paper caught his attention – the handwriting was familiar, but the letter seemed to have been written in a moment of rage, since the letters were scribbled in an angry way. Thomas looked at the signature and his blood froze. Five words echoed in his mind as he rushed to the door: July, 11th; duel; Aaron Burr.

***

Burr looked eagerly at the red sun slowly rising from the horizon, while Van Ness checked the pistols again; both were waiting for Hamilton to arrive and wanted this affair to be over as soon as possible. Burr was starting to grow impatient, they'd been waiting for half an hour, but the moment had almost come. His anxiety faded away, only to be replaced by utter hate, as he saw two figures approaching them at last. He sneered as the two shadows came closer, turning their back to the rising sun. The grass's dew sparked all around as the first rays of sun shone on Bladensburg. The silence was almost absolute – only the lonely twitting of a bird dared to break the stillness of the morning. However, after some interminable minutes, the blackbird stopped his singing and flew away as a gunshot violently echoed in the clearing.

***

Thomas ran down the stairs, trying not to panic. He would check the house first – maybe Alexander had refused to duel and he was freaking out for nothing at all. A small voice in his mind reminded him that Alexander would never risk losing his honour by declining a duel. He tried to ignore the thought but, once he arrived in the library and found it empty, he had to stop and curl into a ball, folding his legs to his chest while a high whistle rang into his ears. The memories of his dream hit him all of a sudden.

"I need you to remember this: I love you more than anything else. If I ever leave, you'll have to always keep in mind that I probably had no other choice."

"You love me more than anything else?"

"Yes."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

Thomas sobbed, trying to breathe and calm down, but his hands were shaking and he couldn't stop the tears that were streaming down his face, heavily dropping on the sleeve of his shirt. He felt as if something was pressing on his chest, preventing him from breathing properly – it was the horrible feeling he'd lived with from the moment Martha had died, many years ago, until he'd met Alexander. He couldn't believe it was happening again.

"You promised," he whispered, breathless among the sobs.

***

A thin coil of smoke came from the gun barrel. Burr looked at the man in front of him who had just raised his pistol at the sky to shoot. After some moments, Nathaniel Pendleton lowered the gun and continued reading the letter he was holding in his other hand.

"I thereby throw away my shot. I have no interest in hurting anyone – even less so to wound a former friend. Burr, I won't apologize for what I've done to you, because I believe it was the best thing to do, but I won't duel either. You can do whatever you want with this letter and with my honour. In these years I've succeeded in creating something that will last and, even if I'll be forgotten by my country – pardon my honesty, but I strongly doubt it – I'll be remembered by my family and loved ones. I've already lost everything I had twice and I won't do the same mistake again. Love is more important than anything else. I hope you'll understand it one day, and that your life will be filled by love once more. Yours, A. Ham."

Once he finished reading, Mr Pendleton handed the letter to Burr and turned to join his friend, Dr Hosack, who was waiting some feet away; they left without another word, leaving the two other men speechless. Van Ness put the pistols away and looked at Burr, waiting for his reaction. The latter was looking at the letter in his hand with a blank stare.

"It's over Aaron, let's go home."

"I – I thought he would come."

"Maybe it's time for you to stop looking at the things you've lost and start appreciating what you have."

"What do I have? I'm alone and my career is over."

"You're a wonderful lawyer and today you've been spared from killing an innocent man and being pointed at as a criminal."

Burr looked at William for a moment and then suddenly broke down into pieces. The only reason to live he'd clung to in the last four years had been his will of revenge; he suddenly felt empty and tired of everything. He fell to the ground and sobbed away all the emotions that were suffocating him – envy, hate, all his insecurities and the loneliness that had overwhelmed him in the past years. Then, something warm enveloped him. William was next to him, holding him into his arms and gently patting his back.

"You're not alone, Aaron, you've got friends. And we'll take care of you."

"Thank you, William."

"Let's go home."

***

"Holy crap!"

Thomas's sobs were exceeded by a loud crash, coming from the kitchen. Thomas's head snapped at the sound of the voice that had followed the noise and he immediately got up, almost running towards the kitchen.

"Shit! Stupid pan – oh no, the eggs!"

Thomas opened the door to find a flour-covered Alexander, who was trying to save a pan of completely burnt scrambled eggs, while another pan was now lying on the floor upside down, its whole content spilled on the floor tiles and over an unlucky chair.

"Thomas! Thank god you're here! This kitchen is trying to kill me!" Alexander turned his face to him with a dramatic gesture. "Help me?"

"I thought you were gone." Thomas's voice came out more like a croak than his usual low voice, but he didn't care. "I found Burr's letter on your desk."

"Oh, fuck." Alexander completely forgot about the pan and crossed the room to move closer to Thomas. "I'm sorry, I was going to get rid of everything, but then I thought I'd like to surprise you by making breakfast and I forgot to put it away."

"I thought –" Thomas started to sob again, this time out of relief, and hesitantly touched Alexander; he was still afraid it was all a dream. But no, Alexander was real and was right in front of him. "You didn't leave me."

"I didn't." Alexander wiped Thomas's tears away and kissed him. "I will never leave you, Thomas. Did you hear me? Nothing and no one will ever take me away from you, I swear."

"I love you, Alexander."

"I love you."

In the end, they had to throw the pan away and spent half of the morning cleaning Alexander's mess in the kitchen before having a proper breakfast, but they couldn't care less. They were safe, happy and, most importantly, they were together.