Chapter 66: Can't take it anymore

I was sitting in the crafts room, reading when Luke walked in. "Lidia, you know that you can say no to this. Seriously, I don't even think I should be letting you do this, but it happened to you, not me."

Was he rambling? Wow, Luke White, rambling. "What is it Luke?"

"Do you want to go see Carl?" As soon as his name left Luke's lips my body filled with ice cold water.

"Why would I want to do that?" I meekly asked and looked out the window.

"I don't know. To ask him questions. To beat him up. Anything." Luke crossed his arms and shrugged, but not in a normal way. In a more Luke way.

I thought about it for a second, then came to a conclusion and sighed.

"Why not."

Now don't get me wrong, confronting your abuser sounds like a good idea. It may help you gain closure. It may bring some sort of balance to your life. But that's just an idea. That's not reality. Realistically, I'm about to piss my pants. I'm about to turn around and call it quits. But I can't though, because that's what he wants me to do. He wants me to fear him. He wants me to not be able to look him dead in the eye.

Too bad I don't feel like being obedient little Lidia anymore. Such a shame too, I really liked her. But she's gone now, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

"Okay so I'll go in with you, for safety among other things, and if you need anything, anything at all, just tell me. I'll be in the corner." Luke said, bending down to my height then standing back up again, this time wrapping his right arm around my body. I felt protected. Safe. Like nothing was going to hurt me, but that's obviously wrong, since no one is safe when they're near Carl.

The door opened to Carl sitting with his hands and feet tied to the metal chair. As soon as I saw him, I gasped. Oxygen suddenly left my body. No matter what, I couldn't look at him. I just couldn't. It had been ingrained in my mind to never look at him directly.

"It's okay Lidia, we can go back out if you need." Luke's reassuring voice came rushing to my ear.

I shook my head. "N-no," I cleared my shaky voice, "I need to do this."

I walked closer to him, Luke's sudden warmth gone, all that's left is Carl's crooked smile. I can't see it, but I can feel it.  I can feel him smirking at him. Watching me, like I'm prey. I forced my shaky body to lift up my head.

And I saw his eyes.

Oh his eyes. His cruel, cruel eyes. The eyes my mother married. The eyes that watched as men took advantage of me. Eyes that were never good.

Then his smile. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen. It's nothing like Jesse's playful one, or like Ian's boyish one. It's the smile of a killer. Of a cold hearted killer.

"Hello Little Lamb, how are you today." Tears pricked my eyes. That stupid little nickname. It took everything in me to not drop to the floor and curl into the fetal position.

"Don't call me that." My shaky voice held no  authority to it, no matter how hard I tried.

"Oh but why not? It's your name after all." He softly tugged on the ropes, like he was trying to brake loose.

"No it's not." Again, you could barely make out my words.

"But it is. Just like all those other names." He smirked.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. Unless you want to get busted again, I recommend you keep all these comments to yourself." Luke threatened from behind me. Carl visibly shrunk, no doubt remembering what happened to him about a week prior.

Why couldn't I do what he did? Why couldn't I make myself command him, instead of squeaking like a mouse.

I stared at him for a few more seconds-that was as long as I could-and turned around and faced Luke. "I want to go back please."

His cold expression was gone, replaced with a one of warmth and comfort. "Of course. Let's go Lidia. Guards." Luke snapped twice as we walked out of the door and closed it. I heard Carl screaming and gasped. What were they doing to him?

"Lidia let's go. I think you had a book to read, right?"

It's been a couple of days since the Carl incident. The boys have definitely been more, uh, attentive one could say.

They haven't left me alone for more than two hours. It's getting annoying, especially since Sasha went home for a week to spend Christmas with her family. It is literally Thanksgiving all over again. Except this time, they won't let me lock myself in my room and read.

I'm not dumb. I know why they haven't left me alone. They're afraid I'll cut again. It's been three days since I saw Carl. Whatever. I just wish they would talk to me about it, rather than take action. Also, what about therapy? There's no doubt in my mind that I absolutely need it. And since I'm not Little Lidia White anymore, I'm not afraid to ask for the things I want.

But.

No matter how hard I try, I can't change some ways I think. It's impossible. Am I afraid to ask for therapy? Hell yes I am. Do I know why? Maybe because I'm a fourteen year old girl who has never been granted something she wanted, until like what? Five months ago? Six? Anyways, I've never been able to have the things I need, let alone want.

Then here comes my brothers in all their shining glory, promising me the world while they're blind to all that I'm going through. Not that I can blame them though, I am a pretty good liar.

As soon as I start to let my walls fall down, boom! They have to mess it up again by assuming something that never even happened. Which, might I add, hurt like hell. Their 'whole hearted trust' in me, was put to a test that day, and they failed.

Again, my emotional blockade comes tumbling down, only for them to intrude on my privacy, and not only did they lash out on me, they made it seem like it was my fault. Yes of course, it was my fault that my mother decided to flee. It was my fault that she married him. It was my fault she started drinking. It was my fault he killed her. It was my fault for being beaten black and blue. It was my fault for not trying hard enough to stand up to him.

My fault.

Always my fault.

I know they try to make it seem like they did something wrong, but clearly it was my fault. I mean come on, how were they supposed to know that I kept their biggest secret of their lives for two months.

I don't blame them, I mean, I would've acted like they had, right?

Wrong.

Sure I would've been a bit mad and maybe even a little upset that they kept it from me, but in no way would I have acted like they did. I have much more class and respect than that.

It's funny because I use to do my makeup to hide my bruises, but now I have none. Why do I still do it? Why do I still harm my skin? Why do I still hate myself every time I look in the mirror?

These people always talk about loving yourself, well how can I love myself if I've already convinced myself I'm not capable of being loved. I used to have that delusion, when Luke or the boys would say that they loved me. I used to believe them. Now I don't know what to think anymore.

The nightmares were going down to one a week, but now I have one every night. Seeing him, watching him lay there, it didn't bring me satisfaction, only pain. It reminded me of how weak he was. How weak I was for letting this lump of dust make my life a living hell.

It's shameful.

Luke could make him shrink with a few words, while I barely managed to not collapse. I'm not Little Lidia White anymore. I'm not the girl that people could step on anymore. I'm not her.

But why do I still act like her?

She's timid, quiet, and doesn't know how to speak for herself. I don't want to be her. She was fake. Just an illusion. A facade.

Right?

I slipped out of my covers and sat on the floor, leaning against my bed. I tugged and mindlessly toyed with my black cross necklace. I recently started to wear it to bed because only the Lord knows all the comfort I need. I'm going to take what I can get.

That poor old woman. I wonder if she felt as lonely as I do. I wonder if she was abused too. Maybe she saw herself in me. Maybe she just saw a seven year old girl, trying to survive and make the best out of her situation.

Maybe.

The boys have taken my razor out of my shower so I can cut anymore. I don't know why I did it. Maybe I wanted to feel something other than emotional pain. Maybe I wanted to feel something other than all the anger.

I looked around my room. It was cluttered with clothes and such stuff. I never would have dreamed I would have all of this stuff. All this useless stuff. There were people who didn't even have two pairs of clothing and here I was, crying in a big, clean house, with all of these privileges around me.

I stood up and walked to my desk. I didn't have my diary anymore. I don't know what happened to my diary. My best friend. So, I grabbed a random notebook I had and a pen and headed towards my bathroom.

I closed the door and locked it and sat on my toilet. I've said this before, but I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I have no energy to fight. Not anymore.

No longer can the thoughts of future happiness can help me. Happiness is being with God. He'll take care of me, no matter what. He'll forgive my lies. He'll forgive everything I've done. He has forgiven me, I can feel it.

So, I opened the notebook and turned on my bathtub faucet.

Dear boys,

If you're reading this, then I went through with it. It was not my intention to blame any of you. And I don't. I love you all. I really do. Please don't let me affect your future. Live for me. Love for me. Maybe even name a kid after me.

Please tell Ian I'm sorry. Tell him that I said he needs to find someone else. I want him to.

And find Donavan Sylio. Tell him about what happened to me. Show him my diary, please. Tell him I do understand.

Tell Sasha I could have never asked for a better big sister, and Caden, you better marry her.

I'm sorry that I could only be with you these months. But I hope you know I enjoyed every second of it. Deep down in some cases, but I have nonetheless.

Live your lives. I love you.

Forever yours,

Lidia Candice White

I turned off the bathtub faucet. The bath was almost filled to the top, but not so much that it would overflow. It would do. I sat the note book down on my sink counter.

I got into the bathtub, the water rising slightly. I looked at my bathroom door one last time, trying to find a sign to stay alive. But there wasn't one. It was quiet. I put my face in the water, and let go of control of my body.

Distantly I could hear one of my brothers knocking on my bedroom door. I was in too deep now. The water was choking me and as I lost consciousness, I could hear my door open and banging on the bathroom door.

Too late.

Poor Lidia 😭 I pray none of you feel like she feels. Who knows, maybe her brothers will save her in time? Or maybe this will be like Bombshells and she'll die. Guess we'll never know 🤷‍♀️ jk I won't leave you hanging. I hope you liked it and don't forget to vote, comment, and obviously like:)