TWELVE

★Kiara★

We were about to kiss. The tension in the air was so thick it was practically palpable. And then I was awoken by that stupid 5 AM alarm.

I am so screwed. Lucille keeps finding her way into my thoughts and it's really becoming a problem. Just now she had invaded my dreams. The two of us were on a date at the beach, and like I said, we almost kissed. I need to get over this.

I feel very awkward as I get ready for the day. It's Wednesday now, the 17th of September. Time is flying way too fast.

I accidentally make eye contact with Lucille through her mirror, I dart my eyes away. I was just throwing on a hoodie, and when it was pulled over my head, my eyes just so happened to look at her mirror right where her eyes had been looking. What are the chances?

I didn't really try with my outfit today. Just some black jeans, black hoodie, and a necklace made from paper clips. I run a brush through my hair and leave it at that.

I don't say a word to Lucille. I don't want to say or do something stupid. On Sunday, I ruffled her hair! Yesterday, I told her that her eyes are pretty. And it's true, they're beautiful. A grayish blue color. Her eyelashes seem to be naturally long and curled as well.

Anyway, she had been doing her eye makeup. It looked perfectly fine to me, but she wasn't content enough, so she started over. Eventually after like the third attempt I said her eyes are already pretty. And that she should stop wasting time dolling them up. She was running late. I was being considerate, you know. It was so awkward...

As I'm eating breakfast now, as is she, I still do not say anything. I don't even look at her.

I notice her in the corner of my eye opening her mouth, looking like she's about to speak. But she shuts it again. Really, we haven't even talked since yesterday morning. After school we'd said a single hey to one another, but then we went about our business.

I think it's my fault. It is my fault. I'm avoiding her because I'm too gay for this. I just don't want her to think I'm mad at her. No, I am mad at her for making me develop a massive crush on her.

I don't even know what did it. Her looks? Her smile and laugh? Her general personality? It doesn't make any sense.

There's no logic in love I suppose.

★★★

Lucille texted to let me know she'd be hanging out with her friend, Dakota, after school. I'm assuming that means the dorm will be empty, so I invite Deven over.

"Okay, so we're making progress. I've invited him to be my partner for a project—his name is Lucas by the way—and he's literally adorable." Deven is ranting about their crush. The same boy they brought up a few weeks ago. The one in their art history class. "I have his number now, which is great, and he seems to have an amazing sense of humor. Like, he's laughed at every joke I've made."

"Nice." All this crush talk is drawing Lucille back into my mind. I need to stop.

We enter the dorm. Deven, immediately able to tell which side of the room is mine, sits down on my bed. I join them.

"Wow, so it really is an opposites attract thing." They say, glancing over Lucille's half of the room.

"Shut up." I mutter, feeling warmth in my face from embarrassment.

"You are actually down bad, Ki, goddamn." They lean back against the wall, wrapping an arm around me.

I sigh, leaning into their side. "It's so hopeless..."

"Listen, if she doesn't like girls, then yeah, that sucks. But I don't think it's worth giving up. My parents used to despise each other, but then my dad made a move, and they're still married!"

"They kicked you out, Deven."

"Yes, but that's because they're homophobic assholes. They may not support me, but that isn't the point I'm making. They still love each other despite how seemingly different they are. You and Lucille are not hopeless." They reassure me.

"I still don't like being compared to your parents, but alright..." I roll my eyes.

"Speaking of parents..." They trail off. I know what they're about to bring up. Again.

10 days until my mom comes to town. Who knows, it could be fine, but I have doubts about that.

"Kiara—for the millionth time—you do not have to put up with your mother's bullshit anymore!"

"I know!" I groan. "But she's going to show up regardless. And I'm going to have to deal with that."

"No you don't! Tell her to leave, and if she doesn't you can call the police! Or you can block her number and hide away at my place. Or I'll handle her for you. You have options."

"You don't get it..." I mumble.

"You're right, I don't get it! It'd be so easy to just leave her in the dust, so do it,"

I close my eyes, putting my face down against my knees, bent upright on the mattress. "It's not that simple, Deven. Not with my mother, okay?"

They're quiet for another moment, but slides their hand down to my back, their touch gentle.

"Okay." They agree quietly. "Also, I told you so."

I jerk my head over to them. "Excuse me?"

"I knew you'd catch feelings eventually."

I sigh, though it turns into a small laugh. "Please shut up." I shake my head, leaning back into them.

We both hear the door suddenly. And Lucille walks in with her friend. Oh.

I'd assumed Lucille would be going over to her friend's dorm, but clearly not. Dammit.

Lucille seems surprised by Deven's presence, quiet for a second. "Oh. Uh, you know, we can leave." She stammers.

Deven, the significantly more blunt one of the two of us, clarifies, "We aren't F'ing."

Lucille's friend snorts at that. I roll my eyes. This isn't the first time I've heard Deven say these exact words.

Deven stands, approaching Lucille. I'm worried about what the hell they intend on doing. They are significantly taller. Lucille is probably around 5'5", while Deven is—at the very least—6 feet.

"Oh my god, so you are the infamous Lucille. Kiara never shuts—"

"Deven!" I cut them off. They really know the best way to embarrass me.

"Yeah, yeah." They wave me off. "It's so nice to meet you, I'm Deven." They introduce themselves, shaking Lucille's hand. She's still acting awkward. I get where she's coming from though. Deven can be a lot. Plus, I probably made things weird with the way I haven't been talking to her...

Lucille's friend, Dakota, is just watching all this. She gives me a small smile, which I return with a significantly weaker one.

"Dev, you can leave her alone now..." I mutter through gritted teeth. God this is so awkward. It really should not be. I'm the reason it's awkward. I'm refusing to look at Lucille's face right now. What the hell is wrong with me? Genuinely?

"Right..." They return beside me on the bed.

"Well... Um... We'll just go then,.." Lucille gestures to the door, and then walks out with Dakota. From the short second I saw her face just then, she seems sad.

Oh god. Is this my fault? I knew she would think I'm mad at her. Oh no, no, no. Of course I'm messing shit up again.

The two of them leave. I feel a heaviness in my heart. She's actually upset. And it's probably because of me. I mean, maybe it's not, but I doubt that I'm helping.

"Yup. She's queer." Deven says beside me, snapping me from my thoughts for just a second.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Mhm. I can tell, you know. My gaydar has never been wrong." They shrug.

"You shouldn't assume though."

"Trust me, Ki. That was not a straight girl. Also, I can totally see where you're coming from. She's cute."

I feel guilty with the way it annoys me as Deven calls her cute. Because they are correct.

Deven seems to interpret my annoyance as something else though. "What's with that look? Do I need to remind you that I am gay?"

"I'm not jealous."

"Oh, you just hate how right I am." They nod.

"Be quiet. It's not gonna happen. I think she's upset because of me now anyway..."

They sigh again. "Kiara." They say my name firmly. "Maybe you're right. Maybe it won't happen, but stop giving up! I know you're depressed and struggling right now and that you have other issues, but you aren't allowed to just try to forget it. I want to see how this plays out. For your sake. I really think it could be good. Also I think she was jealous of me just now."

"Stop trying to make me delusional."

"Dumbasses in love are always delusional. It comes with the territory."

"Like you and Lucas?" I suggest, saying Lucas in a sarcastic tone.

"Yes, actually. Apparently the bi pin I thought I saw on his bag is actually the flag of the Netherlands." Deven confesses.

"That is actually insane." I choke out a laugh.

Deven smiles at me, but says nothing more. We just sit like that for a bit, the room quiet. Eventually, though, we realize we should probably get our homework done. At least it will distract me from the guilt I feel. I should talk to Lucille. I can't tell her about my stupid-ass crush, but she deserves some explanation.