Chapter 51: A Lost Memory Pt. one

ELAINE

If this was what dying felt like, I’d welcome it. No noise, no voices, no pain, no sun, ~nothing~. A quiet, painless death.

But I knew I was alive. The steady rhythm of my heartbeat was a constant reminder. I’d heard it countless times, but I couldn’t seem to wake up.

There was something else, too. Something trying to reach me, but fear held me back. I pushed it away, even though deep down, I knew I shouldn’t.

I didn’t know what it was, but it felt familiar, like a comforting presence that had always been with me.

It was back again, pushing harder, faster, more desperate.

The feeling was so intense that fear took over, and I screamed.

I groaned, cursed under my breath, and then a terrible scream ripped through me like a bolt of lightning.

I blinked.

I was on the floor, surrounded by scattered silk sheets and pillows.

Another scream echoed through the dark room, making my heart jump into my throat.

I didn’t know who it was, but then I heard a familiar voice.

I scrambled to my feet and made my way to the large window. My eyes searched for the source of the voices and screams.

What I saw hit me like a slap in the face. The fear I felt turned into a burning rage.

Something inside me snapped, and my mind went blank.

I turned and left the room, walked down a hallway, descended the stairs, and passed through a grand entrance.

The sickening smell of blood. My family’s blood, staining the grounds of this cursed place.

All I felt was anger, a desire to kill, to rip apart those who had hurt them.

I couldn’t stop myself, so I did it.

I reached for him. Claws and teeth bared. I couldn’t help it, so I snapped his neck and tore his arm to shreds. His blood splattered on me, but I didn’t care.

I reached for the next one, digging my fingers into his eye sockets until he screamed, begging for mercy. But I felt a twisted sense of pleasure.

I was enjoying this, so I killed him.

I’d never felt this way before. I’d never wanted to kill someone as much as I wanted to kill these people.

Their fear excited me. All I could think about was killing them all and saving my precious baby brother.

“Who gave you permission to touch what’s mine?” I asked. The voice wasn’t mine. I knew it wasn’t.

This wasn’t me. But here I was, doing something I’d never done before. ~Killing~.

“Elaine!”

Who was that?

“Breathe, my love.”

I dropped what I was holding and turned to see him.

His once vibrant golden eyes were dull and filled with disbelief.

For a moment, I just stared at him, confused.

~Connor~, my mind whispered.

I took shaky steps towards him. I needed to touch him, to feel him, to know he was real and this wasn’t just a dream.

“Elaine, you’re awake.”

I hugged him tightly.

“How fucking sweet,” a voice interrupted our moment, and I pulled away calmly. “When did you wake up?”

With my back to her, I stood up slowly. Connor held my hand as I helped him to his feet.

My eyes darted to his wrist. It was torn and bloody.

“How dare you?” I growled, clenching my fist. “You think I’ll forgive you?”

“I saved your life,” she scoffed.

“So?” I silenced her. “I didn’t ask for your help.”

“You are an ungrateful—”

“Bitch,” I finished for her, glaring at her over my shoulder. “Say it. Call me a bitch, and I’ll cut out your tongue and feed it to my dogs back at the castle.”

She flinched. Surprise flashed across her face before she composed herself and started shaking. Her hands clenched at her sides and her face twisted.

“Do you know who you’re talking to?” she asked.

I turned away from Connor and crossed my arms.

I tried to remember if I’d met her before. But I couldn’t. Still, her name echoed in my mind like a distant memory.

“I don’t remember ever meeting you,” I said, holding my head high.

She growled but didn’t say anything. I looked around.

There were a lot of unfamiliar faces. We were in unfamiliar territory.

Was I somewhere else? In another pack?

As I looked around, my gaze landed on Jyn and Arye, bloody and barely able to kneel.

Rage blinded me, and I moved to attack, but a strong arm held me back.

I turned to see Connor, his eyes pleading with me not to hurt her. But why, when she deserved nothing but death?

“Let go!” I demanded.

“Elaine, please calm down,” Regulus said. I snarled at him. “Just listen to her. That’s all I’m asking.”

“What is there to talk about?” I snarled, then looked at her.

“She’s your grandmother,” Connor said, and I turned to him in disbelief.

“What did you just say?” I asked, shocked.

“She’s our grandmother,” Jyn’s hoarse voice confirmed.

“Our grandmother?” I scoffed and pulled away from Connor. “You think someone like her deserves to be called grandmother? Or even be part of our family?”

“I am,” she insisted.

“And I give a shit,” I retorted, making her eyes widen.

She looked shocked before quickly frowning at me.

“You’re just like your mother. Stubborn, pathetic, and ungrateful!”

“Enora!” I yelled, making everyone around me flinch.

I didn’t know how her name came to me so easily, but something inside me told me I knew who she was.

“Don’t you dare talk about my mother like you knew her!” I snapped, my voice icy. “You have no right!”

“And do you?” she smirked back. “You never met her, did you? She died because of you!”

That was the last straw. Something dark and primal surged within me, and I lunged at her.

My teeth sank into her stomach, the taste of blood and flesh filling my mouth.

Her screams echoed in my ears as my vision blurred. I had to kill her~. She had to die today.~ But before I could finish her off, a sharp pain shot through my arm, forcing me to let go.

I whirled around to face my attacker, but stopped short when I recognized him.

~“Enough, please,”~ Jyn’s voice was strained with pain. ~“Please stop this, sister.”~

I recoiled, pulling my paw away from his head.

Transforming back into my human form, I clutched my throbbing head, feeling like it was about to split in two. I needed to get out of here.

I turned and ran back inside, the familiar voices of my family calling after me.

***

It was ridiculous. From the start, it was foolish to leave and give that woman the satisfaction of seeing me fall apart.

I clenched my fists, sighed, and let my head drop between my knees.

After I returned to the room, I could hear the familiar voices of my brothers. Regulus had knocked on the closet door twice, but I stayed silent, ignoring him.

I knew they were worried, but right now, I needed to be alone. Everything was so different, so confusing.

I looked down at my hands and curled them into fists.

I had my lycan back, but it wasn’t just Ashina. It felt ~different~, like there was another spirit inside me.

I shook my head, stood up, and walked over to the mirror. I stared at my reflection.

Two long scars ran down my face and neck like vines.

I gasped and stepped back.

“What…,” I mumbled, really looking at my face for the first time since I woke up.

One of my eyes was no longer blue. It was golden, like Connor’s.

Panicking, I rubbed my face, wincing when I felt the raised scars. I looked away, swallowing hard.

Sorin had scarred me. He had ruined my body.

I closed my eyes, then opened them again and reached for the gown I was wearing. I untied the string and let it fall to my waist.

I stared at my body in shock.

There were so many scars that I didn’t recognize myself anymore. None of the wounds had healed.

I choked back a sob, pulled the dress back up, and turned away from the mirror.

What had happened to me? Why did I have a lycan and look like this?

Confused, I looked at the door that separated me from the people who might have the answers. But fear held me back, and I couldn’t bring myself to ask.

“Stop it, Elaine!” I shook my head.

Gathering my courage, I unlocked the door and stepped out, bumping into someone.

“Elaine?” Connor whispered. I looked up, surprised. His golden honey eyes were filled with worry.

“Connor?” I choked out before breaking down into sobs.

Connor reached for me as I wrapped my arms around him, letting myself sink into his embrace.

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed as he whispered soothing words to calm me down. “I’m really sorry.”

***

“Have you calmed down?” Connor asked, pulling away from me.

After my breakdown, we had locked ourselves back in the closet. We needed this time alone, without anyone else asking questions or interrupting us.

The last thing I wanted was to face my brothers, who must think the worst of me.

“Do you want me to get you some water?” Connor offered, but I shook my head.

“What happened to me?” I asked instead, hugging my knees and burying my face in them.

There was a silence that made me wonder what was so hard for Connor to say.

“You don’t have to tell me,” I said quietly.

“You died,” Connor said so softly I thought I might have misheard him. “You died in front of me, and I…”

I lifted my head, looking at him as he avoided my gaze.

“Sorin hurt you so badly. I hate that I couldn’t save you in time,” he continued, and I listened in silence. “All those scars, the wounds, the pain you’ve been through. It’s all my fault.”

I swallowed hard. What was I supposed to say to that?

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and rested my head on my knees.

“But I’m alive, Connor,” I whispered without looking at him. “I’m alive, but I’m different. Why?”

This time, I turned to face him. I needed to see his eyes, to know that whatever he told me was the truth. I needed to believe him.

“I saved you...and your grandmother helped,” he said.

“Enora, you mean?” I said, my voice filled with distaste. “That woman—”

“Is your family.” Connor gave me a sad smile. “She might be who she is. But she saved you, Elaine. She asked the Goddess to give you a second chance.”

I stared at him, speechless. Was he serious?

“The Goddess?” I said, disbelief coloring my voice. I held my face in my hands and laughed. “That woman would never save me!”

Frustrated and angry with myself, I stood up.

“She would have preferred to see me dead!” I spat out, flinching at my own words. “~I was human~.”

“Yet you live because she owed your grandmother a debt, and I begged her,” Connor said quietly behind me.

I could feel his warmth, his breath on my bare shoulders. His scent was calming.

I sighed and leaned back, knowing he would be there to catch me.

“Why did you beg?” I asked. “Why would you do that?”

“I love you,” he murmured, his gaze meeting mine. His smile was radiant, unlike any I’d ever seen. “I’m head over heels for you, darling.”

His hands, rough and scarred from countless battles, reached for mine.

In the midst of all the turmoil, I hadn’t noticed how much weight he’d shed. His once vibrant, honey-colored eyes were now dull, shadowed by dark circles.

He looked as if he’d lost his zest for life.

Without thinking, I reached out to him, my touch gentle.

Connor leaned into my hand. A fresh wound marred his left cheek, the faint red lines still healing.

Feeling a pang of guilt, I let my gaze wander down to his neck, his body where his grimy clothes hung loosely, and then to his arms and hands.

My brow furrowed as I noticed the bracelet encircling his wrist.

“This,” I murmured, my fingers brushing against it.

Connor chuckled and reached for both of my hands, but a glint from my wrist caught my eye.

With a melancholic smile, he murmured, “Want to know how you got your lycan back?”

I blinked.

“I told you I pleaded. But I didn’t just kneel before her, I negotiated too.”

“What did you do, Connor?” Fear gripped me. “Did she make you do something?”

“No!” Connor’s smile was strained. “I did it willingly.”

His honey eyes locked with mine, and for a fleeting moment, I saw a flicker of regret.

It hurt, so I pushed it aside. This wasn’t the time to get lost in unnecessary thoughts, not before I had all the answers.

“I gave you half of my lycan,” Connor murmured, his hand caressing my cheek. “And you look stunning with it.”

His words hit me hard, and I stepped back. Tears welled up in my eyes as I shook my head.

“No,” I said, my eyes squeezed shut. “You didn’t do that.”

“Elaine?” Connor’s hands closed around mine, pulling me back to him. He cradled my face in his hands and kissed my forehead.

“I had to. Khan and I made the decision. We couldn’t bear to lose you.” His voice choked with emotion as I stood there, speechless.

“To get your spirit back, I gave half of mine. I gave half my life, just to have a few more years with you.”

He looked at me then, his gaze piercing my soul. My defenses crumbled as I let the tears fall.

“I love you, and I’d give up anything to keep you alive, darling. You’re my mate, my one true love.” His smile was bittersweet.

His fingers gently wiped away my tears. “No one can tear us apart. Not even ~her~, who despises us both.”

“But…” I choked on my words.

“As long as I see your smile every day, Elaine, I’m content with my sacrifice.” He smiled and kissed my cheek. “And anyone who dares to say otherwise will face my wrath.”

“But I don’t deserve it!” I protested, my hands gripping his. “I hurt you. I manipulated you. I ~lied~ to you.”

“You’re worth every second,” Connor replied. His words left me speechless. “Whatever happened, it’s in the past.

“This is our fresh start, and I don’t want you to feel guilty anymore.”

I glanced over his shoulder at the locked door, beyond which my family waited.

“But I hurt them...,” I whispered.

“They’ll be willing to hear you out,” Connor reassured me, kissing my temple. “But before you do that, there are other things you need to know.”

I frowned.

“There’s more?”

“Yes, about Sorin,” Connor sighed. “Elaine, Sorin got away.”