his body against mine

I couldn't remember most of it, but it began with Oikawa whispering into my ear, let's get out of this place. Side by side, we roamed the foggy night. He led us to the nearby forest and up the treehouse we shared as kids. Inside, we smoked a lot of pot. We laughed until our ribs hurt. For some reason, we joked about marsupials for a very long time, and I sat on the floor by his feet and rested my head against his calf.

I touched his strained muscles, and he said that his knee had fully recovered and that he's getting back into volleyball soon. They want him to train in Argentina, so he broke up with Ainu last month. I said that I'll miss him. He said that he'll always visit Japan and that I should come to Argentina. Apparently, Buenos Aires is called the Paris of South America. He mentioned how there is a lovely neighborhood called Palmero where we could get a place together for very cheap rent. A third of Tokyo's prices, in fact. For a moment, I really considered it.

Our cheeks turned pink, and we made our way to the small, twin-sized bed. I felt his chest against my back, beating, and I could've faded into the minty air of his heavy breaths. When I turned around, his mouth grazed against my nose.

Iwaizumi, he said, and we both laughed.

When he said my name, the world turned upside down and melted into shades of rosewood and turquoise. I want you so badly. You don't even know, I responded. My words seemed to slip out of my mouth with zero control. Wait, this could not be said yet. We still had other confessions to reveal. Just now, we were just sharing bits of our childhood secrets. How did we break the innocence so soon?

Promise we won't leave each other again?

What would you do if life pulls us apart?

I think I would break down. His voice was low, sultry, serious. It captured everything.

I'm afraid, Oikawa. I'm scared of something, and I'm not sure what it is.

I pushed myself up, and he got into my lap. We traced our fingers along the details of each other's faces. I wanted to memorize every feature. Those sad brown eyes. Soft dimples. Lines that appeared only when he was genuinely, wholeheartedly happy. He brushed his hand through my hair and caressed the nape of my neck, gently stroking my skin. He was looking at me in a way that I had not seen since our first night in Tokyo... and with that gaze, I'd forgotten how to breathe. My lungs were filled with something else, and it was not air. It was a certain kind of longing. It was irresistible, overwhelming, powerful. It was indescribable.

Oikawa was breathing hard and saying things like, I want you. I slipped my hand under his shirt and felt his skin. It reminded me that we were alive. We stripped our clothes off and kissed until we could no longer talk. I was inside him, and it felt so good that I could only think of him, and nothing else mattered. Everything seemed to have disappeared. We were shivering. Oikawa trembled as my arms wrapped around his waist. I held his naked body against mine.

We were sweaty, but it felt so good that we could only continue even though the both of us had no understanding of how things happened so fast. I ran my thumb around his soft, pink lips.

Then, voices we had not heard before shattered through our private space. We did not recognize them. I could not tell you who they belonged to, but the echo was loud. I covered my ears, but the rumble entered through.

Oh, how foolish could you be!? they yelled at me. He doesn't love you! He's leaving you, but you're still holding onto him!

He doesn't love me, I thought to myself. Admitting that was what hurt the most.

I began to sob.

As I cried, ocean waves engulfed our world. Salty water flooded in, breaking through the windows, crushing down the forest trees. We were trapped, holding each other until—

_____

I woke up in a sweat. Oikawa wasn't next to me.

He must have gotten up earlier. I lifted my heavy blanket and looked under my waistband: fuck. Immediately, I wiped the wetness from my briefs and hopped in the shower before anyone could witness the redness on my face: the weight of humiliating embarrassment. Hot water trickled down my body, and by the time I was dressed, I'd forgotten what really took place in my dream. After all, it was just a dream. No one knew, not even myself. Even I'd started losing my own recollections. Nonetheless, I wished I could remember it all to explain why it made me feel so strange. It threw my morning out of balance.

I suppose, there were a few things I could recall. I remembered Oikawa. I remembered it being... a situation that did not happen between friends. We were holding each other, but I couldn't tell you what else had transpired.

I threw my clothes into the laundry hamper. Eh, the mind works in mysterious ways, I guess.

Downstairs, my mother and Oikawa were cooking breakfast. Oikawa had on my mother's polka-dotted apron. He looked ridiculous. I wanted to throw on a chef's hat to complete the attire.

"Goodmorning, Iwaizumi!" My mother exclaimed in a joy I had not seen in a long time. "Look at Oikawa's tamagoyaki omelettes! Aren't they lovely? He even made this yummy sauce."

"Morning, mama. Mornin', Goody-two-shoes-kawa."

"How'd you sleep," Oikawa asked, flipping over a fluffy pancake, "I wanted to wake you up, but you were deep in the dream-state, murmuring about marsupials, specifically koalas and wombats, so I didn't want to wake you up."

"I talk in my dreams!?" I blurted out, a bit too defensively. I laughed it off. My voice was strained with a slight awkwardness. "Ha, I didn't know."

"At least you weren't snoring. Anyway, some orange juice?"

During breakfast, my mother gushed over how she remembered us being so young. "Oh, Iwaizumi and Oikawa, you two boys are all grown up now", she kept saying as we gulped down the stacks of pancakes and omelettes. We were ravaging our food like two hungry kids. In my eyes, we were forever young, but in hers, we've outgrown the innocence that she experienced as my mother.

My mother's curiosity tiptoed into questions about Oikawa's life. At a certain point, it began to feel like an interview about his personal relationships, work prospects, and so many other things... topics she wouldn't even discuss with me, her own son.

"Ah, careers," he chuckled, hiding the shakiness in his voice, "Well, I'm on a year-long contract with a few athletic brands. Nike signed me on quite recently. Right now, a lot of money could be milked from using my name on products and all that. My agent says I should take advantage of it, but who knows what will happen next since I've retired from the sport. By next year, there'll be a new rookie in town." Beneath the pride, there was also a twinge of sadness in his words. "Thankfully, Ainu has been very patient with me and supportive through it all."

"Oh, yes, I remember Ainu. She was my student when I taught at the middle school. Such a sweet girl. How is she?"

"Great, so great. She recently opened a gallery in Tokyo, and her team is already looking for new spaces in New York and Hong Kong. It's crazy how much she works. I've always been proud of her."

My mother turned to me. "Iwaizumi, look at how hardworking and inspiring Oikawa and Ainu are. You need to take after them! If they can do it, so can you."

Well, that felt like a punch to the stomach. My mother was back at it again. Oikawa looked at me with a guilty, uncomfortable half-smile. I looked out the window, peering my eyes away from my mother's deep glare.

For October, the sun was unusually bright. Vibrant reds and oranges painted the cherry trees.

The silence between my mother and I became very intense.

Of course, it put Oikawa between the two of us.

"Oh! What a lovely day," Oikawa sprung up, gathering our plates and rinsing them in the sink. "Iwaizumi and I should get going in a little bit. We have a busy day ahead of us!"

We do? I wanted to say, but instead: "Yes! We'll be back soon, Mama."

My mother stood quiet for a moment. "Okay, have fun, boys. Don't put yourselves in danger like you did as kids." She went upstairs.

I turned to Oikawa. "Thank you for getting me out of that. My mother never fails to stab me with her words. What was I expecting? I should've been more prepared."

"Well, let's get out of here now. We have a busy day, right?" He smirked.

We put on our scarves and warm coats. Already, the air of our hometown was sweeter and crisper than anything you would find in Tokyo. Maple trees lined the streets and filled the parks with autumn hues. I'd forgotten how simple life was in Miyagi. I enjoyed the sunlight against my skin. The breeze. The quietness. Even the street cats weren't in a hurry.

Some things in life are out of our control. My mother will always pin me with discreet insults. My childhood bedroom will always have the same red blankets. My parents' house will always be cramped with my father's woodwork—but cozy, nonetheless. There will always be details in life that I could never change, no matter how much I wanted them to. Some things will always make me happy. Others will make me sad. That's just life.

But, for the first time, I was glad to be back home.