confessions in miyagi

Growing up, Oikawa and I spent our nights as nocturnal creatures. We snuck out of the house to gaze at the stars, searched for animals we could hear only from afar, biked around town while others were fast asleep. Our younger selves would be disappointed in the depleted people we've become. They would call us "old" and "boring". I guess we were pretty lame. By dinnertime, we were exhausted beyond recognition. We both held our heads up with our hands in order to keep ourselves awake. Our eyes were so red and puffy that my mother urged us to get in bed.

"You boys need rest! Go, go! Get ready for bed. I can cook more tempura tomorrow," my mother insisted, pushing us up the stairs. By nightfall, we made our way back into my childhood room.

In the darkness, Oikawa and I lay six feet apart from each other. We were comfortably tucked into our futons, but I could still feel the tense muscles and bones of our bodies. His exhales were soft and husky. The crisp countryside air flowed from the open windows and through our lungs. Our breaths carried the weight of dusk, heavy and filled with thought.

The last time Oikawa and I slept next to each other, things happened. Too many things. I wondered if he remembered as well. Yet, what would that change? We both knew better. We were both alive and experiencing it all. There was nothing to be erased once you've lived through it.

"I remember these nights with my cousin, when we all stayed at my grandma's house. We had this silly game where we all had to say something before going to bed," I broke the silence between us. His face was barely visible, but I could feel him listening quite intently.

"What would you all tell each other?" From his tone, I knew his eyes were squinting at the patch of moonlight on the ceiling. It was as if he wanted to visualize my words. This was an old trait of his.

"I could barely remember now, but we would tell stories. Chiko—not sure if you remember him, weird guy—always had a scandalous story from his high school in Kyoto. But most of us would just share a good moment from the day. Sometimes, our drunk aunts and uncles would join us just to tell a thing or two. It was nice."

And it was different back then. I was the youngest one, always entranced by what my older cousins had to say about life, the girls they dated in high school, where they're going to university. As a child, it felt like experiencing bits of their young adult life. What it meant to be "all grown up". Adventure, love, and freedom captured the essence of their many stories. I didn't know what I was expecting, but now that I'm actually an adult, I felt like I had missed out on something. Maybe, life was destined to be more mundane than what their stories made them seem to be.

"I'm in," he blurted after a moment of contemplation.

"In with what?"

"You know, this thing you would do with your cousins. Revealing something to each other in the dark. Before bed, just in time for us to escape into our dreams. It actually sounds like fun."

"Fuck, I couldn't tell stories like Chiko did."

"Doesn't have to be stories." Oikawa paused for a second. "Hm, we could tell each other a secret. Things you don't know about me. Things I don't know about you. So much time has passed since we last hung out like this. Maybe this could be our way to learn about each other again."

I bit my lip. I wished we already knew each other's secrets by now. "Sure. I'm ready."

"I'll go first. We can start off nice and simple." His voice was deep and raspy, but he was enjoying this game of confessions. I could feel his smile. "When we first got to high school, I broke into your academic locker to find your schedule. I promise I didn't look at anything confidential. I just wanted to match my classes to yours."

"Where was I? Didn't I lock my locker?"

"Yeah... but you're not very discreet at keeping your combination code a secret. I mean, you would mumble it to yourself every time you unlocked it. 14-27-13, 14-27-13. Even I still remember it."

"Sneaky." I smiled at his confession. "Why'd you do that? We practically saw each other every other day, even if we weren't taking the same classes."

"I think I wanted more time with you. You were probably so fucking annoyed by me," he chuckled, "but I think, deep down, I also wanted to think the way you did. I wanted to see what you saw in history, literature, and art. Pick apart that mind of yours."

"I always wondered why you were enrolled in so many of my classes."

"Yeah, yeah. Okay, your turn now."

A million memories raced through my mind, and Oikawa leaned closer to me as if doing so would make me think of something faster. Landing on a confession was difficult. I thought back to the first time Oikawa and I became friends, on that playground where children roamed like wild animals. A scrawny boy dumped a bucket of sand onto Oikawa's head, leaving him crying as a million mineral bits clung to his clothes. I peered from my book on wizards and magical spells. Oikawa was crying and crying. He was so loud. I approached him, wanting him to shut up. He looked up at me, instantly wanting to be my friend. Either way, it made him stop crying. The feeling of having a friend was an exhilarating one, something I had not ever experienced before.

"So," I began. "It was when we first became friends. We didn't have each other's phone numbers. Our parents hadn't even met each other, but I still wanted to find ways to see you after school. I would come and sit on your front porch for hours. Literally, for hours, hoping you would come out. Sometimes, I would even throw little pebbles at your window. It ended up being your parents' window, though. They were probably so confused. I mean, imagine seeing a random ass child every single day, throwing shit at your window."

"Did I ever come out?"

"No, I'm pretty sure you were at junior volleyball practice."

"Damn. I'm sorry. Will you forgive my younger self for leaving you out and waiting for so long?"

"Sure, yeah. After all, you were the first friend I ever had. Does that count as two secrets?"

"The more the merrier."

We accepted each other's stories, eyes growing heavier with every second passing. As kids, we would be up all night telling them. Tonight, we were still hungry for each other's stories, but our adult bodies were exhausted and on the verge of falling asleep.

"Four more nights. Should we continue telling each other a secret until we head back to Tokyo? Afterwards, we'll leave it all behind. What happens in Miyagi stays in Miyagi?"

"Till' tomorrow night. Your secrets are safe with me," I replied.

"Till' tomorrow night. Sleep tight, Iwa-chan."