38. Breaking the Ice

-Luke-

I really wished I wasn't staring too much. We were in my room, sitting side by side on my couch, playing games that were "as old as Heaven" like Troy pointed out. I guess it was fun to play, but to me it had always been a waste of time. Of course, as long as Troy was there, it wasn't a waste of time at all.

"You died," Troy muttered, and I forced myself to look away from him.

It was hard not to stare at him. It was just so weird and amazing that he was there. I had never had the opportunity to spend time with him without someone else tagging along. I knew it was making him uncomfortable, and I tried my best to concentrate on the game, but I was failing miserably.

"Sorry..." I sighed and put the control away. "I'm really bad at this."

"You're not focusing," Troy said, avoiding my eyes.

"Well, it's not that easy," I spoke quietly.

I knew it wasn't going well. Troy probably regretted staying with me. I tried to think of something to say to break the thick ice, but I wasn't good with people. My head wasn't working properly either – all I could think of was how I was wasting my chance, ruining it for good long before Friday.

"Okay – let's talk," Troy said suddenly and stood up, only to sit down again so that he was now facing me, leaning his side against the backrest. "So, you have a crush on me," he said matter-of-factly.

"Y-yes," I said hesitantly.

"And it started over a year ago," Troy nodded, and I felt the need to explain.

"It wasn't like love at first sight, but, yeah... I started falling for you, but it took me a long time to understand it," I told him.

Troy nodded slowly and fell silent for a moment, like he was thinking about something. Then he took a deep breath, and spoke quietly, "I don't know if I'm gay. I have never been into guys, but I haven't thought about relationships in general either. I'm..." he trailed off and looked at me shyly.

"What?" I asked cautiously.

"I never meant to hurt you, and I'm afraid that I'll end up hurting you even more," he said.

"I know that already, and don't worry about it," I said, trying to think of something to convince him I was willing to take that risk. "I'll be fine. I'm just happy that you even consider going out with me." Troy didn't say anything, and it made me fear he had changed his mind already. "A-are you still considering...?"

"Yes," Troy said hastily, "I am... I mean... Yeah..." he added with a mutter.

"You don't sound sure," I noted in sadness.

"That's because I'm an utter mess and don't know what's going on in my own head right now," Troy chuckled lightly and looked down at his lap. "You thought I came here to cancel our date, and it made me feel sad. I don't want to cancel it. I'm really nervous about it, and I have no idea what is the right thing to do, but I don't want to cancel it. I just don't know if I'm gay or bi or whatever."

"Okay," I said and took a better position on the couch so I could see him better. "So you're going out with me?"

"Of course," he said and looked up at me. "I won't cancel it."

I smiled at him, feeling ridiculously happy for his words, but I had to clear my thoughts to stay on the topic. "If you're going out with a guy, does that mean you don't resent the idea of being gay?"

"No, I guess not," Troy said and rubbed his forehead. "I don't have anything against gays. I just never thought that I could be one. Are you?"

"What?"

"Gay?" Troy looked at me again.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Figured that one out a long time ago."

"So you know exactly that you're gay?" Troy frowned.

"I tried not to be gay, but then I met you and I had to accept it," I shrugged.

"You see, that's exactly how I don't feel. I don't feel gay; I don't find men attractive romantically or anything," Troy spoke and started to look really frustrated. "But I'm still going out with you and I don't know if I'm just being curious or something, and I don't want to hurt you, and..."

"Troy – it's all right. You'll figure it out in time," I told him, wanting so badly to take his hand to calm him down, but I was afraid of his reaction. "You don't have to decide now."

"That's what Sky said too..." Troy sighed.

"He did?" I asked. "Did you talk about this with him? About us?"

"I did, yeah," Troy said. "They are our friends. I thought it was all right..."

"Yeah, of course, if it helps..." I muttered. I wondered what Max and Sky thought about our situation, and what kind of advice they had given Troy. I hesitated for a moment before I asked, "What did they say?"

"Sky told me not to label myself. He said the only thing that should matter is how I feel about you, not whether I'm gay or not," Troy spoke.

"And Max?" I asked quietly, fearing he had tried to talk Troy out of going out with me.

Troy smiled a little and looked shy again. "He said that if I didn't want to go out with you, I would have said so when you first asked me out."

"O-Oh..." I muttered.

"He also told me you threatened to beat his ass if he tried to intervene," Troy spoke with raised eyebrows.

"I... I just..." I stammered, but I didn't know what to say.

"So you really want this?" he asked in a quiet voice. "You still want to go out with me, even though I've been nothing but a jerk to you, and I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing?"

"I do," I said truthfully. "More than anything. I just want one chance."

Troy shook his head, and my heart dropped when he sighed. He didn't look happy about my answer, but he surprised me when he muttered, "You are too kind to me. You should be mad at me..."

"But I'm not," I tried to tell him, but he just shook his head. "Why do you want me to be mad at you?"

"Because I deserve it," he said silently.

"I think you're too hard on yourself," I said carefully. "Could we just drop this topic? What's done is done and neither of us can change the past, so..."

"Just like that?" Troy asked in disbelief.

"You're here now," I said quietly. "I don't want to waste this opportunity."

"Opportunity?" he frowned.

"Yeah... You won't be staying here for long, so I'd rather talk about something else."

"Like what?" Troy asked.

"I don't know, I'm not good at this..." I muttered the last words. "But I definitely don't want to spend this time thinking about Elisa..."

Troy was silent for a moment before he nodded. "You're right. Sorry..."

Maybe changing the subject wasn't such a great idea after all. I couldn't think of anything to say, and neither did Troy. We just sat there in an awkward silence for a good while. Troy kept his eyes on me, like he was waiting for me to speak, which only made it worse. I lost my voice completely, while my mind grew completely blank.

It was not going well at all.

"Was there something you wanted to talk about?" Troy finally asked.

I just shook my head and lowered my gaze. There I was, finally alone with him, and I couldn't even open my mouth to tell him I couldn't think of anything to say. I was such a pathetic loser. And then, I knew exactly what to say to him.

"You know, the reason I'm not mad at you is because I thought you would laugh at my face when I told you I had a crush on you. I really believed you would tell me to go fuck myself or something. But... You said that you'll think about it," I spoke, and a small smile formed on my lips. "When you started going out with Elisa, I felt sad and hopeless, but I decided to wait in case you hadn't decided yet. I kind of hoped you just wanted to try things with her, with a girl, before answering to me."

"That's not a good reason to forgive me," Troy said slowly. "I would never laugh in a situation like that."

"I didn't know that back then," I told him. "I was scared shitless of your reaction. You could've made my life a living hell, but instead you kept it a secret and gave me hope. I can't be mad at you for not being able to make that kind of decision at the spot. Maybe it's my fault too for not pressuring you to decide, but I think it was for the best to give you some time and space."

Troy didn't say a word in a long while. He had an indecisive look on his face, but eventually he gave me a crooked, apologetic smile.

"If everyone knew how sweet and kind you are in reality..." he said.

"Uhm... sweet?" I grimaced. "That's not a word I would use of myself."

"I guess I'm the only one then," he said, and his smile turned somehow freer.

"Don't use that word," I chuckled. "My reputation would get ruined."

"And he makes jokes!" Troy laughed lightly.

"No, seriously, don't call me sweet," I said, but with a chuckle. "That's just... wrong."

"All right, all right. Keep your ice-cold reputation, but I know the truth!" he declared, and I laughed at his words. "But seriously, I think you're a good guy, and... and I am curious."

"Curious?" I repeated.

"You know, curious," he said in a small voice. "About this."

"This?" I asked, even though I was pretty sure what he meant.

"This," he chuckled and waved his hand between us a couple of times.

A stopped teasing him, feeling some sort of warmth building up inside me. "That's good."

"I hope," he said silently. "Okay – do you want me to teach you to play?" he said, clearly trying to change the topic.

"Sure," I said, being almost unable to believe that he was giving me a real chance after all.

-Troy-

Spending time alone with Luke didn't give me any answers, but at least I felt calmer when I was getting ready to go home. Luke knew now what was going on in my head, and it kind of made things simpler for me, like I wasn't alone with my worries anymore. It was also good to know I could talk to him about my concerns and know he would listen. I had always known he was a great guy, but I still believed he shouldn't have forgiven my stupidity. I was grateful he wasn't mad at me, but at the same time, I didn't deserve it.

"You got everything?" I heard Luke asking behind me when I was about to step out of his room.

"I think so," I told him nervously and patted my backpack before looking at him.

"Good... good..." he muttered and turned to look around his room when our eyes met.

I felt awkward too. Awkward and nervous. And restless. And almost like I was suffocating. And awkward.

"So... I'll go now," I said with a voice that didn't belong to me.

"Okay," he nodded. "I'll see you at school."

"Okay..." I nodded too. "See you..."

Then I tried my best not to run out of his room. I had to focus on my steps so I wouldn't seem like I was just about to panic. I wasn't even sure why I was feeling so uncomfortable. I just wanted to hide somewhere.

"Are you sure you have everything?" Luke asked, and his voice didn't sound normal either.

"Yeah," I mumbled and realized that he was following me down the stairs. "I'm sure."

"Okay..."

I grimaced when he didn't see my face. We had been having fun, playing games and laughing like nothing was going on, but the second I said that I should go home, the atmosphere had turned into the worst teenage-drama sitcom.

The stairs ended right in front of the front door, and on my right was the dining room, where Luke's parents were making dinner. When they spotted me, their already cheerful expressions turned even more excited. I wasn't sure if they knew how Luke felt about me, or even about the fact that he was gay, but why else would they have gotten so excited about my presence? Then again, maybe they were just happy to see that Luke had friends – I didn't know anyone who had been inside Luke's home.

"Are you leaving already?" Mrs. Frost asked when she saw me placing my hand on the doorknob.

"I still have homework to do," I said apologetically.

"Oh, all right. I was going to ask you to stay with us for dinner, but I understand," she said while Gwen joined us in the entrance hall.

"I heard you two were playing those video games I bought," she said with a smile. "Finally," she added to Luke, who didn't seem to be listening – he was watching my every move.

"Yeah – they were good..." I muttered.

"Just good? Not awesome?" Gwen said worriedly.

"Well, they're a bit old," I said hesitantly, and hurried to add, "But good stuff. Great stuff."

"You're too sweet," Gwen said with a light laughter. "Honey? I think we should leave the kids alone, to..." she trailed off and blushed a little.

So they knew. They both vanished back into the dining room, leaving me alone with Luke, who wasn't staring at me anymore, but somewhere down at the carpet. He had an embarrassed look on his face, and he rubbed the back of his neck, like wishing he was anywhere else than here.

"I had fun," I told him truthfully with a quiet enough voice, so his parents wouldn't hear me.

He scoffed and flashed his rare smile at me, but it had a sad hint in it. "Yeah... fun..." he muttered like he didn't believe me.

It was my turn to stare at him when he wasn't looking at me. Why couldn't I say no to him? What was the reason I told him I would think about going out with him instead of just saying a simple 'no'? I had never thought of myself as something else than a straight guy, but...

"I really did," I said silently. "So, your uh... your parents know about this?"

He frowned and closed his eyes in irritation. "I talk in my sleep..."

"Oh," I chuckled. "They seem cool about it."

He took a deep breath and looked at me again. "They would be cool with just about anything."

I felt a hint of jealousy going through my body. "I'd love to have parents like that..."

"Are they strict?" Luke asked.

"More or less," I shrugged. "But if my dad finds out I'm going on a date with a guy..."

"Homophobic?"

"Worst kind..." I sighed, feeling sad. "This is probably the jerkiest thing I could possibly say, but he can't find out."

"I understand," Luke said without even blinking.

"If he does, I'm homeless," I said carefully. "One of my cousins came out and... It wasn't pretty," I shivered when I thought about the words my dad used about my lesbian cousin.

"Troy – I understand," Luke said reassuringly and took a step closer to me. "I'll do whatever it takes to hide this."

I tried to smile at him, but I felt like I was stabbing him in the back for the hundredth time.

"I hate hiding and lying. I'm not very good at it," I admitted.

"You kept me being gay a secret," he said encouragingly.

"That was different, since no one asked me about it," I shrugged.

"Oh... yeah..." Luke muttered and his posture collapsed once again – it was really easy to see when he felt defeated. "So what you're saying is... that... you don't–"

"I'm not canceling, if that's what you're afraid of," I said. "I promised you that already. I just wanted you to know that."

Luke didn't say anything at first. He studied my face with his gaze, like he was trying to determine if I was telling the truth. I had to wonder why he didn't trust me. He kept assuming I would cancel the date, no matter how many times I had already told him I wouldn't. Was it because I started seeing Elisa? If he didn't trust me, then why was he still so eager to go out with me?

Why was everything so confusing?

"I won't tell anyone about Friday," he said eventually. "I promise."

"Thank you," I said quietly. "I should go now."

"Sure," he said in sadness. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," I nodded and gave him one last look before I opened the door and stepped out.

I could feel his eyes on my back right until I closed the door, and when the darkness surrounded me, all those unanswered questions flooded my head. I started to walk towards my home, but I could hardly see where I was going. A big part of me wanted to be left alone so I could think in peace, but the rest of me knew I wouldn't find any answers yet.

Soon later I found myself standing in front of our home, and I could see my dad sitting in the kitchen with his new fiancee. I sighed at the sight of them. As if things weren't complicated enough, I had to keep my date with Luke a secret. I had no idea what my new stepmom thought of gays, but I knew painfully well what my dad had to say about them. I knew he would throw me out if he ever found out that I had a date with a guy.

My mood dropped when I walked up to our porch and searched for my keys before opening the door and stepping in. Stephanie, my dad's fiancee number four, was giggling cheerily at something my dad had said, and when I stepped deeper into the house I saw a glass of wine in her hand.

Stephanie was African American and in her early forties. She had long hair and liked to dress like her hero, The First Lady. She had that motherly aura in her, and seemed like a nice woman, but she and my dad had been dating only for over a year, and now they were planning their wedding. That and the fact that the two previous wives of my dad had seemed nice at first, but had turned out to be quite different, did have something to do with my opinion of Stephanie. Also, I could have tried better to get to know her, but she was my third stepmom-candidate, and I had no interest in doing it all over again.

"Troy! How was your day?" my dad asked when he saw me glaring at them by the door.

"Awesome, as always," I said with a fake smile.

"Great! Are you hungry? Stephanie and I are celebrating – the case was dropped since they had no evidence that our factory was ruining the soil – so we're going out for dinner. I'll leave you some money for pizza, and there are some leftovers in the fridge."

"Oh, honey! We should take Troy with us!" Stephanie said and turned to look at me with sparkly eyes.

I saw how my dad's enthusiasm dropped a notch when she said that.

"I have some homework to do, so you two go out and have fun," I said in a faked cheery tone.

"Are you sure?" she asked, and my dad started to look frustrated.

"I'm sure," I said reassuringly. "Congratulations on the case, though. I know you two worked very hard to prove them wrong," I continued, trying to hide the sarcasm in my voice.

"Thank you, sweetheart," Stephanie said with an unnaturally big and proud smile.

I just smiled back at her. I doubted she knew my dad had probably bribed the other party to drop the case. My dad was one of the leading members of a pharmaceutical company that had been having some bad luck with public relations for a while now. It might have something to do with the fact that they hadn't been quite honest with some of the test results of the drugs they were producing. The newest lawsuit however, concerned about the company's careless handling of their toxic waste. There had been reports of ruined landscape around their biggest factory, but now the case was dropped, and I knew my dad and his co-workers wouldn't do a thing to fix their problems.

And poor Stephanie probably thought that the case was dropped because there was no problem with the toxic waste.

"Well, we better get going, or we will miss the reservation," my dad said and straightened his tie.

"We have a reservation?" Stephanie asked in awe. "How did you get one so fast? We heard the news about the case only an hour ago!"

My dad cleared his throat and smiled smugly. He had probably known about it for days now. I just shook my head and headed towards the stairs.

"You two have fun," I repeated on my way up.

"I left the money for pizza on the counter by the door," my dad yelled after me.

"Great," I muttered and stepped into my room.

I really regretted leaving Luke's place. There I could've had a proper dinner, and someone who actually cared about me. I dropped my bag next to my desk and started going through my schoolbooks. I did have a ton of homework to do. Soon later I heard my dad and his fiancee leaving the house, and I walked to the window, pushing the curtains aside and watched the two of them getting into my dad's expensive Mercedes.

"I'm going out with a guy," I said defiantly, staring at my dad through the window. "What are you going to do about that?"

Of course he couldn't hear me while he backed his car down to the street and drove off. I watched his taillights until he vanished behind a corner.

"I don't understand why you would even care," I scoffed and let the curtains fall back down. "You never do."