37. Sunshine

-Troy-

Luke didn't show up at the football practice, and our coach was furious. He went on and on about how important it was for us to practice before the big game, and after he was done ranting, he just left, telling us to show up the next day.

I listened to the others complaining quietly about it. Stephen seemed to be the angriest of them all. He kept staring at me, like he knew it was my fault that Luke didn't come, or then he just wanted to show me that he wasn't afraid of talking complete bullshit about Luke in front of me.

I didn't give a damn. He and his buddies acted all brave and shit, but no one had the guts to say the same things when Luke was hearing. None of them even had the guts to go talk to Luke about their issues with him. Everyone complained about Luke's antisocial behavior, but I had never seen anyone even trying to get to know him. Ronny was the only one, but I guess it was because they were so similar.

Max patted my shoulder when we returned to the locker room to change our clothes, and he kept giving me concerned looks. I wasn't in the mood for talking, and it always made him nervous. The truth was that I was too nervous to concentrate on talking. It felt like Friday was coming way too fast, and way too slowly at the same time. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I just kept wondering what I should do and how I felt.

"Do you want to come with us to the mall?" Max asked when I was ready.

I thought about it for a moment but ended up shaking my head.

"I need some time to think," I explained, and he nodded.

"Don't worry about it too much, okay?" he said. "You'll figure it out, eventually."

Some of the teammates gave us some curious looks, but I turned my back on them. The last thing I needed was for them to know what was going on. Almost everyone seemed to accept that Max and Sky were gay, but I did not want anyone else to know that Luke had a crush on me. I was pretty sure that Luke didn't want anyone to know about it, and I was confused enough as it was without people sticking their nose in.

I followed Max out of the sports halls, and after we said our goodbyes, he went to get Sky from the bleachers while I headed to the bus stop. I saw a couple of our teammates heading in the same direction, and when they spotted me, they tried to gesture for me to join them. I just shook my head, and before I even knew it, I had walked past the bus stop, but I didn't stop. I just kept going, no matter where my feet were taking me.

"You really should get your shit back together," I muttered to myself at some point and sighed hard.

Was it even possible for me to figure things out? I had been trying to figure things out ever since Luke asked me out, but I still didn't know the answer. I should have just told him no and be done with it, but every time I had tried, the words just didn't come out. Why? I wasn't attracted to the guy! Or any guy, for that matter!

For a long time, I had thought that it was simply because I didn't want to hurt Luke's feelings, but I ended up doing just that. I had hurt him a lot more than a simple no would have. And still, I kept him waiting. And he still had waited!

"I'm complete shit!" I groaned, feeling a strong urge to start hitting something because I felt so bad and guilty and ashamed.

Why would Luke still want to go out with me? I wouldn't even want to see myself anymore in his shoes! I truly was the lowest scum on earth, and I didn't even know why I did what I did.

I stopped walking when I reached an intersection far away from school. I was surprised to see my surroundings – I had walked for almost half an hour already! The street on my left led to my home. The street on my right led to Luke's. It was just a fifteen-minute walk between our houses.

Left or right?

"Fuck this bullshit..." I muttered and turned right.

I would lose my sanity long before Friday would come, and thinking the same stuff over and over again wasn't leading me anywhere, so I had to do something different. Maybe it would help if I just talked with him?

Ten minutes later, I stopped in front of the gate of the Frost's yard. The house looked quiet, but the second I placed my hand on the handle, Bella came running around the corner to greet me with her excited barking.

"Hey puppy," I said and scratched her behind the ear. "You're a good guard dog."

"She sure is," I heard Gwen's voice coming closer, and I looked up to see her walking towards me with a smile on her face.

"Mrs. Frost," I greeted her with a smile.

"Oh, please, call me Gwen," she said and stopped next to the gate. "Are you here to see Luke?"

"Yeah..." I muttered, not knowing if she knew Luke had skipped classes. "I really need to talk to him."

"He's not well," Gwen said and her smile vanished when she looked at the house.

"Is he sick?" I asked, feeling down for some reason.

"He gets bad headaches..." Gwen muttered, without explaining any further. "He's resting now, so maybe now is not a good time for visitors."

"Oh, okay..." I nodded, but then the door opened and Luke stepped out.

"Troy?" his voice was pleasantly surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"Can we talk?" I asked hesitantly, and I felt a sharp twist in my stomach when his posture dropped – he clearly thought I had come to cancel our date. "Well, I have nothing to do and I wondered if you want company? I have some video games at home, if you want to play? Or... something..."

I had no idea why I was asking him to come to my place all of a sudden. I just wanted to talk to him, but when I stood there, I didn't even know what I wanted to say to him. I guess I was just saying anything to make that awful pained look in his eyes disappear. But it worked.

"I have some games too," he said carefully with a small smile. "I'd hate to leave Bella alone for too long..."

"Okay," I returned his smile, and Gwen opened the gate just enough so I could get in without Bella getting out.

I felt extremely nervous when I walked to Luke, who was holding the door open for me. He still had that small smile on his lips, which made him look like a completely different person. It was rare to see him with a smile, and I wondered how many people had actually seen it.

"Thanks," I muttered when I stepped into their home.

I stopped to wait for Luke, who was talking to Gwen. I watched him closely and noticed how cheerful he seemed. Was that because of me? Was he really that happy to spend time with me? He seemed energetic for a guy who wasn't feeling well.

Luke closed the door and turned to look at me for a moment, and his smile was gone.

"You uh... You didn't come here to play games with me, did you?" he said, and his expression started to drop again.

"No," I said truthfully, and regretted it immediately, when he nodded and looked down. "I didn't come to cancel our date either, if that's what you're afraid of."

"Oh?" his eyes shot back up and I could see the relief on his face.

"I just wanted to talk and see if you're OK," I shrugged and looked around. "But I think it would actually be a good idea if we just hang out."

I turned to look at Luke again, and he nodded. "Yeah, I think that would be great," he said quietly.

"So... Want to play?" I asked awkwardly.

"Yeah. I don't play much so I'll suck at it though," he said.

"Oh, no you didn't just say that," I giggled when I remembered Sky saying that exact same thing.

"What?" Luke chuckled.

"Nothing, nothing," I chuckled, hoping I wouldn't have a laughing fit right then and there.

Luke tilted his head, so I explained what I meant, telling him that Sky had said the same thing and when Max had told him he sucked too, Sky had blurted that they could suck together. Luke found the story amusing.

"It was before neither of them knew they were both in love with each other," I said while we climbed upstairs.

Luke snorted and shook his head. "I think the entire school knew they were in love long before they knew."

"I knew Max had feelings for Sky, but I didn't know that it was mutual," I told him.

"Oh please, the little snot was all over him," Luke grunted.

"Snot?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Sorry... Bad habit..." he murmured and gestured for me to step into his room.

"Sky is a great guy," I said and stopped by the door without going in. "I thought you two are friends now."

"I wouldn't call it that," Luke said.

"So, you hate him?" I asked and crossed my arms.

"What? No," Luke said, but he avoided my gaze.

"You hate him," I said, and started to feel like I should just cancel the date after all – how could I go out with a guy who hated one of my friends?

"I don't hate him! I just don't think he wants to be friends with me!" Luke spoke with a raised voice. "Besides, I've called him a lot worse than snot!" and that was the moment when he snapped his mouth shut with a timid look on his face.

"You've called him worse than that?" I repeated.

Luke let out a long sigh, and his posture dropped again. "I don't hate him. I never have, but... I thought you liked him... I..."

"What?" I frowned.

Luke was silent for a moment before he spoke quietly. "I know this thing isn't going to work out. I know that even if you were gay, I would never be able to make you happy. I just wanted one date with you, but I guess I screwed up already."

Oh Lord, that pained look in his eyes was back, but I had no idea what to do or say. I usually knew what to do or say in every situation, but when he was around, I turned into a big pile of mess.

"I'm just really bad at giving nicknames," he spoke so quietly I almost couldn't hear him.

"Yeah? Do you have one for me?" I asked in my awkwardness.

"Sunshine," he said and gave me a sad smile. "Because you laugh so much. When I'm not around."

And once again I was lost with words. I was flattered he had a nickname for me, but the last part of what he just said made me feel sad. I had no idea why he liked me so much, and why he was so sure he could never make me happy, but it was obvious he was in great pain every time I was around.

"Do you have a name for Max?" I asked when I stepped into his room.

"Blind fool," Luke snorted immediately and followed me in.

I laughed a little and turned to look at him. "What's the worst you've called me? Be honest, I deserve it."

"I thought Sunshine was the worst," he joked.

"Trust me, it's not," I smiled. "Come on, just say it."

He fell silent again, and his expression turned serious before he shrugged. "I guess I never called you bad names."

"Not even when I started going out with Elisa?" I asked carefully.

"No," he shook his head. "I knew I didn't have a chance, so I wasn't mad at you."

"At all?"

"Well, maybe a little," Luke said. "But I never called you bad names."

"Oh," I muttered.

Neither of us said anything in a while, and I looked around, spotting his TV and his video games.

"Should we play?" I asked.

"You still want to?" he asked in surprise.

"Of course," I said and gave him a smile. "I love video games."

"So I've heard," he said. "But you're not mad at me?"

"Why would I be?"

"For calling Sky bad names," Luke said timidly. "If it matters, I call Bella snot too."

"Really?" I chuckled.

"Yeah... I'm just bad at giving nicknames..." Luke trailed off. "And I'm even worse at socializing with people."

"Well, now you get to practice with me," I said, trying to cheer him up. "Come, I'll teach you how to play."

He gave me a warm smile, and I could see the gratefulness in his eyes. I still didn't know what I should do, or how to feel, but I already knew one thing: I hated to see him sad and miserable.