Chapter 13

ABHI

When I got down from my room in the morning, everyone was having breakfast. I joined them and started eating quietly. I was tired because of the lack of sleep.

After what I had read, I couldn't sleep peacefully. I couldn't tell exactly what I was feeling. Sadness? Anger? Guilt?

Because until now, all I have done is hurt her. I didn't know how I was going to rectify that.

I can feel that Aadhi is staring at me from the corner of my eyes. But I don't want to look at her or talk to her right now. I need time to think about telling her my secret.

I knew I had to tell her. I wanted to, but I didn't dare open up a healing scar. So I finished my breakfast and tried to go to my room hurriedly.

She stopped me on my way and asked me, "Are you alright?" Everyone else was in the kitchen.

"Yeah, I am good," I said, smiling as much as possible to convince her.

"You don't look good. Did you sleep well?" she asked again. She was not going to let it go without a satisfying answer.

"Um... I didn't...You know... Um... New place and all... So it was hard for me to sleep." I think that was convincing.

"Oh, okay then. Um... When do you want to leave? Now or after lunch?"

"Um... I don't know... Let's see... But first I wanted to take you somewhere. After that, we can leave. I don't know how long it will take," I said nervously.

"You want to take me out? Where?" She looked surprised.

"You will see," I said winking at her.

"Just go and get ready. I will be back in ten minutes." Saying that I rushed to my room and closed the door. My heart is pounding.

Why am I this nervous? It's all in the past. It's not a big deal. You can tell her. It will make you feel better.

After convincing myself for the nth time, I finally decided to go down.

She was ready and waiting for me. When we were about to leave, her mom called me. We both turned around to look at her.

"Since it's your first time coming here after marriage if it's no trouble... I want both of you to go to the nearby temple before you go wherever you are going," she told us hesitantly.

I smiled, wondering why she was so hesitant, and said, "We will go. No trouble at all. Please don't be hesitant to say anything to me. Think of me as your son."

She smiled and sent us off.

It was my first time here, so while driving I asked Aadhi for directions to the temple.

We reached the temple and, removing our footwear, we went inside. After finishing the pooja and our prayers, the temple priest gave us the sindoor.

Opposite us, a couple was standing there. The wife asked her husband and he applied sindoor on her forehead.

I saw them and looked at Aadhi to see if she noticed them, but without having any idea she just turned back and started walking.

Okay, maybe I am expecting too much.

When we came out, I saw a flower shop.

"Aadhi," I called her and motioned her to come with me to that flower shop.

She came with me with a confused look. I hesitated. I didn't know if I wanted to get her roses or lilies. I knew she liked roses, but I wanted to get her lilies.

The lilies looked fresh and beautiful.What do I get?

After a struggle, I decided to get lilies. I want her to tell me personally that she likes roses. So I bought some lilies from the shopkeeper and gave them to her.

She didn't respond immediately. She was looking at me in utter shock. I expected her to tell me that she didn't like lilies and to exchange them for roses.

But to my complete surprise, she accepted it. At first, I thought she was accepted because of her politeness, but I could feel her happiness radiate to me.

I could see her eyes sparkling with happiness. But I wanted to ask her why she was happy even though it wasn't her favourite. Damn me.

"Aadhi, I thought roses were your favourite," I stated bluntly.

She must have understood why I was asking. A smirk formed on her lips and she asked, "If you know that then why did you buy lilies?"

I didn't have an answer for that, so I just stood there, calmly plotting my next move.

"It's not about the flowers," she said. I raised my head to look at her.

"It's not about the flowers. It's about the person who is buying it and that person's intention," she said, smiling.

"So, do you know my intentions?" I asked her, raising my eyebrows.

"Maybe," she answered playfully and started walking toward the car, showing her back.

I knew she was smiling even though I couldn't see her. I followed her, smiling like an idiot.

I wanted to bring her to a place where we could speak privately. That was the whole reason I brought her out.

We couldn't talk in the house in the presence of her parents and cousins. We also couldn't go to coffee shops or restaurants. Too many listening ears.

So I brought her to a nearby park. It was private and not too crowded. Just some children playing and their parents to look after them.

Normally, it would have been relaxing to watch the children playing. We sat on a stone bench at an empty corner of the park.

The weather was good. Not too sunny and not so windy.

I felt like the universe was trying to calm me, but I felt like a storm was forming and demolishing every positive thought inside me. I didn't know how to start.

Realizing the tension, she talked first.

"Why are we here?"

I wished I could answer her right away.

"Um... I...I wanted to... I wanted to share something with you, Aadhi." It took me a whole minute to complete that sentence.

I facepalmed myself mentally. I had never been this nervous in my whole life.

Silence. She looked at me expecting to continue. After a minute, seeing that I was not talking, she started.

"You know you don't have to tell me now. You can take your time and tell me when you are ready. Even if you don't tell me, it doesn't matter," she said, trying to convince me.

"No... No... I want to tell you. It does matter to me. I just don't know how to start."

"It's okay. Take your time. I will be here when you are ready," she said, smiling.

That was all the reassurance I wanted. So I made myself ready to pour my heart out.

"Everyone has a past. Some have beautiful moments that become bitter in the future. Some have experienced betrayal. Some have experienced shame.

Everyone experienced something in the past, good or bad, from which they have learned something. It made that person who they are now.

Like everyone else, I, too, have a past, which is a secret I have kept from everyone. Even Nija and Harsha have no idea about it." I stopped there for a moment and looked at her.

She was listening to me seriously, so I continued.

"It was the first day of my college. I saw a beautiful girl sitting in my class. Like every boy in the class, I was attracted to her. I even heard some boys talking about her beauty."

"I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Her name was Lia."

"I don't know if it was luck or coincidence or something else, but her eyes landed on mine too. At first, it was a short moment and then it increased to lingering looks."

"Wherever I was, she came and wherever she went, I went. Even in a crowd my eyes only saw her. Whenever she noticed my presence, she blushed. That was a wonderful sight to see."

"One day when we were in class. I was too distracted by her to listen to the class. I couldn't see her properly, but I could see her face from the side and her back."

"I just started drawing her on paper, sitting there listening to the lecturer. In between the classes, she used to turn back and smile at me sometimes. The drawing came out well."

"When everyone left the class, I left the paper on top of her bag and went out. I don't know if she got it or someone else did. I didn't dare ask."

"These lingering looks and smiles and following each other continued for a long time. Neither of us dared to come up and talk. Maybe she was waiting for me to initiate things."

"I know I have to go and talk to her if I want to take this to the next stage but I am afraid of rejection. I loved how I felt when I looked at her. I loved the feeling of watching her from afar."

"I didn't want to ruin it. What if I was reading the signs wrong? What if she tells me that she smiled at me only because I did?"

"I knew I was prolonging the inevitable, but I didn't want to ruin this moment. I didn't want to lose this feeling. So I thought, whatever happens, let it happen."

"I now realize that it has been the worst mistake of my life. I should have talked to her. I should have told Nija or Harsha. They would have encouraged me and helped me."

"But like an idiot, I didn't. At the end of the year, she didn't come to college for one week. I was worried about what happened to her. All I could think about was her."

"After one week, I received an invitation from her friend. It was her wedding invitation. I was heartbroken and tears started forming in my eyes but I controlled it because my friends were with me."

"But I found a paper inside the invitation. It was my drawing which I left for her. She asked me to meet her at the park near her house after college."

"That gave me hope, a little but somewhere deep inside me I knew I lost her."

"When I reached the park, she was waiting for me already. She was sitting on one of the swings. I went and sat on the other one near her."

"'Hi,' I said nervously. This is the first time I spoke with her face to face."

"She didn't say anything back. She just glared at me and looked down at her feet again. I can feel that she is angry, but I don't know why. What did I do?"

"If they are arranging the marriage for her, she must have said yes, right? So if she loved me, she wouldn't have. So technically I didn't do anything wrong. So I tried to talk to her again."

"'I read the note. So why did you want to meet me?'"

"Again she glared at me angrily."

"'Why are you looking at me like that? Did I do something wrong?' I asked her, confused."

"'No, that is the problem. You didn't do anything at all.' She was on the verge of yelling at me."

"'Why didn't you come and talk to me?' she continued. I knew what she meant, but I was still confused, why now?"

"I didn't say anything back. I was just looking at my fingers. That made her more infuriated.

"'Do you love me?' she asked. I was surprised. I didn't know what to say, but I just nodded yes."

"'You know what? You don't deserve me. You don't deserve any girl. You are acting like a girl right now. No one wants a man like you."

"If you don't even dare to talk to me then how are you going to face other problems in life? You are a pathetic excuse for a man. No one will love you if you continue to be like this."

"I was going to give you a chance when I asked you to come here, but now I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a man like you. I don't even know why I liked you."

"Now I realize looks aren't everything. You are pitiful, feeble, inadequate, and worthless. You are everything that a girl dislikes. So I am leaving now."

"I don't want to see you anymore as long as I live!' she yelled and left me there."

"At that time I didn't know what I did wrong but it has made an impact in my life. Every word she said stabbed my heart like a knife. I was ashamed of myself."

"I thought I was everything she said. So that day I made myself a promise that I won't let any girl take my heart for granted. I always stayed away from them unless it was friendship."

"After that incident, she never came to college. It was hard for me to cope. I was always used to the thought of seeing her when I was in college but now I started to miss her."

"I tried my best to be normal for my friends. I never showed them how much it pained me and I never told them about her because I was afraid that my friends would also think of me as worthless."

"I heard that she killed herself after one month of her marriage because of her husband's torture. I can't even explain how much it broke me."

"It was not as painful as it was when she called me worthless. It took a lot for me to come out of that."

"Part of me felt guilty, wondering what if I had talked to her and made her mine, then she wouldn't have killed herself and lived happily with me. She used to appear in my dreams."

"I lost my sleep for more nights than I can remember. Many times I have thought about changing that one particular incident."

But until now, I live with the guilt and feeling of worthlessness."

I finished sharing my secret that had been nagging me inside for my whole life.

I couldn't stop the tears flowing out of my eyes, but I didn't want to see her, so I turned my head to the other side.

She didn't say anything for some time. I was afraid of what she might think of me.

But to my surprise, she hugged me from the side. I turned to look at her. She was crying too. She slowly rubbed my tears away with her soft hands.

"You are not worthless. You are everything a girl wants. You are kind, gentle, possessive, playful.

I know I shouldn't talk like this, but she doesn't deserve you and it was not your fault that she died. It was her loss that she didn't understand your love.

So please don't think of yourself as worthless anymore," she said with tearful eyes.

I nodded and smiled, reassuring her that I was okay.

We decided to leave since it was late. We hadn't had lunch yet.

When we were in the car, I gave myself a moment before I ignited the engine.

She was searching for something from her handbag. After a minute, she turned to me extending her arms toward me holding something. I looked at her, puzzled.

She opened her fingers and there was sindoor on her palms. I realized what she was expecting me to do.

"You saw them?" I asked her, surprised. She just nodded and gave a shy smile.

I picked a small amount of sindoor in between my fingers and applied it to her forehead.

She closed her eyes when I touched her forehead. When she opened them, I could see tears forming. Not tears of sadness, but tears of joy and satisfaction.

I felt really happy and content when I applied it. I couldn't stop myself from kissing her. I cupped her cheeks and placed a kiss on her forehead.

It was a wonderful feeling, and I didn't want it to end. I lingered there for a moment and pulled myself back to look her in the eyes. She looked surprised but not angry.

We were closer to each other than necessary. We didn't move a muscle, each anticipating the other to do something. She was the first one to come out of the trance.

She cleared her throat and said, "Um... We need to go."

I just nodded and started driving.

We were silent the whole way and it was not awkward at all. She was looking out the window, hiding her smile

I felt light for the first time in my life and there was a smile plastered on my face. At that moment, I knew life with Aadhi was going to be amazing.