33. September sun

"Are you sure you have everything packed and don't need a lift to the airport? We're heading that way."

"Yes, Nat. Daniel's mum's taking us. Mum and Dad are driving up next weekend with the rest of my bags so if I forget anything they can add it to that." Rosie zipped her suitcase up and lugged it over to her bedroom door. "Daniel can carry this bag down. It's so heavy."

Rosie's last day home had finally arrived. My little sister was off to university. I picked up Rosie's old tatty toy bunny off her bed and smoothed its ears down. "Are you leaving Mr Flopsie behind?"

She let out a small sigh and lifted him from my hands. "I nearly forgot about him-" she gave the toy a discreet sniff and handing him over- "Probably it's best he stays here. He can guard my room for me, or you take him. After all, I stole him from your room when we were little."

I laughed as I held him close. "I forgot about that. You cried for days because you wanted him, but he was the last brown bunny in the pile of pink ones at the fair. Mum bought you a teddy bear twice his size, but it still wasn't good enough. I thought I lost him until Mum found you asleep with the bunny, and she asked me to let you have it."

"I only wanted one the same as yours. I didn't care what he looked like. I felt it was the only way I could get close to you," she whispered as she pretended to busy herself at her dressing table.

"What do you mean?" My eyes widened at her admission. It happened such a long time ago, yet guilt washed over me as I remembered our childhood.

"You were always with Sian and Alec. When I tried to follow you around, you would all run off, so I started copying everything you did to fit in until I realised that only made you angrier. By the time I started secondary school, I was known as Natasha Wilson's baby sister, the boring sister. I envied you for fitting in with everyone, for having friends, for being so carefree." She rearranged her old perfume bottles, wiped the side down with her hand, and brushed any dust off against her jeans. She tried to hide her face, but even from this angle, I saw the flush of her cheeks.

"And I envied you for having your life so together and under control." I shook my head and returned Mr Flospie to the bed. "Funny how the only thing pushing us apart was ourselves. I'm so glad we're friends now." I turned to my sister as she faced me again and wrapped my arms around her. With this newfound hope, we could both move forward.

"Me too, Nat. I'll miss you," she said, her voice muffled by my hair.

"I'll really miss you too." I grabbed some tissues off her bedside table and wiped my nose. We were finally at a good place in our relationship and I was already saying goodbye.

Rosie clutched my hand and gave it a small squeeze for comfort. "It won't be for long. You should pop up and see what university life is all about."

"I'd like that. Come on, let's help Mum with lunch, and then we'll both head off."

Daniel's mum parked up outside our house a little after two o'clock. Dad hovered behind my sister as I clutched her tightly against me. He was still living at Uncle Mick's but didn't want to miss Rosie's last day. My mum held his hand as he struggled with his goodbyes. Their relationship was always stronger than the one I had with him, but I learnt that I could no longer hold on to that jealousy. It would only tear my sister and me apart, and that was the furthest thing from my mind. No matter how I felt about my father, I would not let it dictate my relationships with the people I was closest to.

***

Shortly after I waved my sister off, Sian and James knocked on our front door. I grabbed my rucksack and placed it in James' car.

"Good luck, Natasha. Call me as soon as you get there." My mother smiled as she brushed my hair out of my face. "Do you think you could go in and say goodbye to your father?"

"Not yet, Mum. I'm not going for long. Let's leave it for another time." I kissed her cheek and climbed into the backseat.

Leaning against the headrest, I sighed and turned to watch my mother wipe at her eyes as James drove us away from my house. She waved as we rounded the corner. I crumbled a little inside as she disappeared out of my sight.

Sian reached over from the passenger seat and gripped my knee. "You're doing the right thing. Your parents need some time to figure out where they'll go from here. Like you told her, you're not going for long."

Sitting forward and shaking myself out of my mood, I glanced over to my friends. "You're right. Can we pop into my work before we leave? Have we got time?"

"We might hit rush hour on the other end, but I can't see why not? We can take it handy." James flicked the indicator to turn off down the street towards The Tea Stop.

Layla stood behind the counter, a wide grin on her face. "I have the basket of muffins in the prep room. Margie will be so disappointed she missed you. How long are you off for?"

"Thank you. You're a star." I stepped into the prep room to pick up the basket and rested them on the counter. "If all goes well, I'll come back to work my notice, then I'll head off again. If it doesn't go as planned, you'll have to put up with me indefinitely."

"You don't need to work your notice. As much as I loved having you here, I hope you don't come back," she said and pulled me into a tight hug. "Margie and I are here for whatever you need, even if it's not a job. This isn't goodbye."

"Ah, look at me. I'm not even leaving this place forever, and I can't control my emotions." I sniffled back my tears. "Thank you for everything. Tell Margie, I'll be back. Don't let her destroy the place while I'm gone." We both laughed as we finished our conversation.

Before heading off, I needed to make one last stop. We pulled up outside Abigail's house. She still refused to answer my messages or calls. Hope had assured me the radio silence wasn't solely aimed at me. Others were having a hard time contacting her. I knocked on her front door, but nobody came to answer. I left the muffins on her front porch and sent off a text letting her know they were waiting for her.

The door opened as I made my way down the few steps leading away from the house, and Andy called after me.

"What are you doing at Abigail's?"

"I've been checking up on her because she won't talk to anyone else. Even Hope can barely get her to answer her phone. I've been spending most days here." He blushed and lowered his gaze to the floor at his admission.

"Oh Andy, you and Abigail? She deserves someone like you." I clutched on to his arm. "Can you tell her I'm sorry and give those to her? I didn't mean for everything to end like that. I wish I'd dealt with it differently."

"It's not your fault, Nat. She forgives you for not telling her. She just needs some time out." He covered my hand with his as his features softened with a smile on his lips.

"I get that. Look after her. I'll see you around. Bye, Andy."

"Are you not coming to Hope's party?" he shouted after me.

I gave a dismissive wave as I neared James' car. "I have something I need to do," I yelled back. Leaning over the open door, I pointed in his direction. "Don't eat all of those muffins, Jones. Remember, they're for Abigail. You still owe me for the cake I left in your car."

He chuckled as he waved us off. I relaxed into my seat and chewed on my nails as nerves settled into my stomach.

"So, we ready to go now?" Sian said as she peered over her shoulder.

"Cambridge, here we come."

***

I sat in the hallway of a modern apartment block, flipping the piece of paper with Alec's address on. After a lengthy explanation for my visit, the young man in the lobby agreed to turn a blind eye and allowed me to wait for Alec outside his studio flat instead of in the usual seating area. He had seen Alec leave the building half an hour ago and believed he was only popping to the shops for supplies. He would be back at any moment.

Sian and James had booked a local bed-and-breakfast for the night, leaving me somewhere to stay once I said my piece.

As I picked some fluff off the immaculate pale grey carpet, I thought back to Sarah Hart and the look on her face when I asked if Alec was home. She hesitated before confessing he had left for university early; no goodbyes or a chance to make amends. I bottled all the rage I felt at the time and calmly asked if I could at least get Alec's address. She handed it over but made me promise not to make any rash decisions. We had come too far to ruin over fourteen years of friendship.

I curled my knees up to my chin and brushed my hands over my calves as anxiety swirled inside me. What if he refused to even look at me?

Tilting my head to the side, my gaze landed on a familiar pair of shoes. The carpet must have cushioned his footsteps. I lifted my eyes for them to land on the back of Alec's head. He opened his front door and walked straight into the apartment. I stayed rooted to the spot, barely able to breathe.

"You coming in or are you just going to stay out there?" Alec said, snapping me out of my stupor.

I threw my rucksack over my shoulder and marched in after him.

Standing at the sink of his tiny open-plan kitchen, he pulled out a glass from the overhead cabinet and downed a pint of tap water. I took the opportunity to look around the studio flat. The space was hardly lived in. The open cabinet contained only a couple of plates and cups; the sides were bare, and the furniture sparse. Opposite the small lounge area, a double-sized bed hid behind a glass-panelled wall with floor to ceiling curtains. Despite the grey decor, the apartment was bright thanks to three impressive windows on the far wall.

I stood at one of the windows and stared out to the street below. Alec walked up behind me, no words being said. My bones ached, and I didn't have it in me to turn around. He inched closer, but never touched me. We had an invisible barrier keeping us apart. I closed my eyes and inhaled a painful breath, his familiar scent of summery citrus surrounding me.

"You left me," I whispered, gaining enough courage to take the first step. I channelled all the anger and sadness that ate at me over the last week while I had to live without Alec Hart. "How dare you walk out on me." Speaking louder this time, I turned around and pushed him away, creating a gap that didn't feel as suffocating as the small space he had created by standing right behind me. "After everything I've been through-" I shoved him some more- "you were meant to be the one person who was there for me, and you left. The first sign of me being scared, and you left. Do you know how that made me feel? After I told you I loved you."

Alec grabbed my wrists as I went to push him again and held them against his chest. "Nattie-"

"Don't Nattie me-" I removed my hands from his and crossed my arms over my body- "I'm not done. Please let me talk." I gestured towards his sofa for him to sit while I paced the room. He held his palms up and obliged.

I gathered my thoughts for a few seconds before continuing, "I won't move for a boy, man, for anyone. I won't change who I am on a whim, but I choose to do it with you. I choose it without having to sacrifice who I am, who I plan to be. I choose you."

Alec strode across the room and tugged me into his arms. "Can I talk now?" He waited for me to nod, his captivating green eyes freezing me to the spot as they scanned my face. "I came back early, not because I was running away, but because I had to sort the mess I'd created."

"But you wouldn't even answer your phone."

He ran his knuckles down my cheek and flicked my hair behind my shoulder. "That was stupid, but I had to. You needed space to think, and I was so close to giving everything up and moving back home so I wasn't away from you, but that wasn't healthy. Neither one of us should have to give up our life for the other one. I came back to cancel the contract on this flat. I signed the lease, thinking you would say yes to the move. I should've asked you first and not assume it was a done deal."

"When did you even do that?" I asked, slightly taken aback. Chewing on my bottom lip, I traced the hem of his T-shirt.

"A few weeks ago, my parents arranged all the paperwork. I don't want to live here on my own, so I'll move to a student house share." Alec cast his eyes to the floor and ran his fingers up and down my arm.

"Wait. Is it too late? Can't we keep it?" I glanced around the room. My belly flipped as I imagined us living together, waking up every morning in his arms.

His head snapped up. "What are you saying?" His expression brightened, and the corners of his mouth lifted.

I attempted to hold my own smile back, but it was pointless. "I've thought about it, and I want to move in with you. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I know I don't want to do any of it without you."

Alec twirled me around and let out a hearty laugh that I followed, feeling giddy. My skin tingled, and my heart thumped as I longed for him. Alec stilled, his smile slipped and his eyes roamed over my body. He drew me closer until our chests pressed up against each other. His hands twisted in my hair as his mouth closed in on mine, the touch of his lips soft, almost hesitant at first until his actions became more urgent. "I love you, Nattie," he breathed against my skin.

"I love you," I murmured, resting my forehead against his. "Never give me space like that again."

***