32. The end of summer

"What?" I could feel the colour draining from my face as an ice-cold chill ran down my back. Even knowing it was coming, I wasn't prepared. I needed more time. Like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle, I couldn't move or look away. I prayed I had misheard him.

"Move in with me-" Alec soothed my creased forehead with his thumb and tugged me closer- "I don't want this to end or to have to go through a long-distance relationship. You can live in my flat and we can-"

"I-, I can't," I interrupted. My heart nearly stopped and my body trembled.

His eyes flashed with terror. "Why? I love you. And you love me too. We don't need to be apart."

My head pounded with an oncoming headache and my stomach swirled as he ran his fingers down my arms to circle them around my wrists. This wasn't how I imagined my day going. We were meant to be celebrating my sister's eighteenth birthday and making the most of our time together. Alec had weeks left before he was heading off to university or so I believed.

"I love you. Oh Alec, I really love you and you have to trust me on that, but we're so young. We don't need to rush anything." My throat stung as I spoke, my voice barely above a whisper. His gaze dropped to the floor for a split second before it held mine again. My heart sank as I took in the tears he held back. My own eyes mirrored his as my vision blurred.

Alec pushed away from me and turned around, fisting his hair in frustration. "It shouldn't be this hard," he muttered before turning back, wiping his eyes. "You weren't going to stay in Hawkley forever, so why not move now? With me? What's stopping you? You have no plans for your future. Make plans there. Make plans with me," he begged, his voice breaking on each word. He balled his fists by his side and gritted his teeth. I watched as my best friend broke into pieces. All I wanted to do was give him the answer he expected, to see him happy, but I would be lying to the both of us if I did that.

A weight settled in my heart as I found some courage to speak my truth. "That's just the thing. Cambridge is your future, your plan. Not mine. I haven't had the chance to think about it." I wrapped my arms around myself. "I don't want to end up like my mum and follow a boy blindly with no goals of my own. I want it to be my choice. I need it to be my choice."

"I'm not just some boy," he huffed in exasperation. "We could be really happy, but it looks like you've already made your mind up." His chest rose and fell with rapid breaths as tears finally escaped the corners of his eyes.

"You're not listening to me, Alec. Give me some time." I reached out to place my hand on his crossed arms, but he flinched at the contact.

He glanced at the closed gate of the play park and left towards it.

"Why are you walking away? It doesn't have to be over." My throat tightened and sadness tore at my chest.

He blew out a harsh breath. "It already feels like it is. Don't follow me. I need to think."

"Alec, don't do this. Alec," I shouted after him.

Slouching down on the swing seat, I slapped my hand over my mouth to stop my ragged cries. My hair flicked into my face, the wind picking up, and I angrily wiped the strands away as they stuck to my wet cheeks.

Alec was always so patient and loving, but that wasn't the Alec that had just walked away from me.

I sat there until darkness surrounded me, the road home illuminated by a sparse line-up of street lights.

I heard the rustling of footsteps through the playground but struggled to look up.

I stared at the floor, Rosie's trainers appeared under my nose. She crouched down in front of me to grab my attention. "Let's get you home. You've been out here for hours," she murmured, stroking my hair behind my shoulder.

Rosie chewed on the inside of her cheek and gave a small smile as I peered up. "How did you know where I was? I could have been at Alec's." I hardly recognised my voice as I strained to speak.

"Oh, sweetie." She wrapped her arms around me as I burst into tears. "Alec rang, asking I bring you home. He said he left you here two hours ago, but when he drove past in the last ten minutes, you were still on the swings."

I faintly registered the walk home. One minute I was crying in Rosie's arm, in the middle of the deserted play area, the next, Rosie was helping me change out of my clothes and tucked me into bed.

***

For three whole days, I hid out in my bedroom. Rosie's birthday dinner was a Tuesday night, it was now Saturday and the first day of September. My mum called The Tea Spot on my behalf and told Layla I had come down with a sickness bug. Friday afternoon, I heard her and Margie downstairs asking how I was doing. They dropped off some freshly made soup and soda bread, hoping I could eat it.

I mentally thanked them and turned over, peering at the blank screen of my phone. The shift of the duvet wafted my body odour up, making my nose to scrunch. Another item to add to my to-do list once I gained enough energy; a shower.

I lay in my bed, dialling Alec's number over and over again, but all I got was his stupid voicemail message. Squeezing my eyes shut, a mixture of exhaustion and sorrow washed over me. I couldn't bring myself to ring his sister or anyone else in his family. What would they think of me? I threw away everything I had with him because I was terrified of turning into my mother and living a life full of regret. The only regret I had at that moment was turning Alec's offer down.

It had been over three days with zero contact and I was going crazy. How did I think weeks without him would feel? Had I been deluded this whole time?

A faint tap startled me. Rosie popped her head round my bedroom door, no longer waiting for an invitation. She checked in every few hours as I refused to leave my room and I had yet to explain what had happened with Alec. I suspected Alec had already told her, anyway.

"Hey sleepyhead, Mum wants to know if you're hungry?"

I shook my head lightly. The action caused pain to shoot around my skull and I winced.

"You should eat something." As she wandered closer to my bed, she sniffed the air and screwed her face up. "Whoa, and you definitely need to get out of your pit and into the shower." She threw the duvet back and tugged on my arms. "Up! I won't take no for an answer. I'll chuck you in there fully clothed if I have to. You stink!"

"Okay, okay. Don't be so rough. I still have a horrible migraine." I perched on the edge of my bed and sipped a lukewarm glass of water from the previous day.

"You're not sick. You're just feeling sorry for yourself. Get in that shower and I'll change your bedding. We need to talk once I force some food down you. This has gone on long enough." She kicked me softly with the tip of her toes and her mouth curved into a smile.

Rosie changed my sheets and duvet cover while I scrubbed my skin raw under a scalding hot shower. I welcomed the pain, momentarily believing I deserved it as much as I deserved my aching heart. As the water cooled, I kneeled down into the white porcelain bath and pulled my legs against my chest. Rocking back and forth under the jets, I wept.

The stream ceased and a large fluffy towel was placed over my shoulders.

"He won't talk to me, you know," I sobbed as Rosie dried my skin.

"I know."

"I didn't want it to end. I only wanted some time to think. I just asked for time. Why's he doing this to me?" I gasped for air as I felt myself drowning in grief.

"Let's eat something." She fastened the towel around my shaking body and guided me back down the hallway and into my bedroom.

***

My mother hovered around the kitchen as I took a mouthful of the Shepard's pie she plated up for me. Steam escaped the top layer of potato as I shovelled the food down and burnt my mouth. Before entering the kitchen, hunger was the last thing on my mind but as I smelt the meat, cheese and mash mixture, my stomach rumbled.

"Stop fussing, Mum. It feels weird and so out of character," I groaned as I cleared my food and helped myself to seconds.

"I can't help it. You look like death. Don't want to be accused of killing you off. Rosie might tell me off again." She shot my sister a side glance, raising one eyebrow, and Rosie shrugged her shoulders. "Did you try calling him today?"

"Mmm. Yeah. He's blocked my number, or he's turned his phone off." I pushed my dinner away, instantly losing my appetite at the mention of my lack of communication with Alec.

"Come on, Nat. This is Alec we're talking about. He wouldn't block your number." Rosie cleared the plates and stacked the dishwasher.

"He wouldn't ignore me either, but here we are. Maybe I misjudged him." I lay my head down on the table. Closing my eyes, I let out a heavy sigh.

"I'm probably the last person you want to talk to about this, but do you want to hear my opinion?" My mum asked as she rested her hand on my back and twirled the ends of my hair between her fingers. "Your hair needs a trim."

"Mum!" Rosie and I snapped in unison. I sat bolt upright and brushed my hair over the shoulder furthest away from her.

"Sorry. Force of habit. I didn't mean for it to slip out." She fiddled with her wedding band. "If everything you said to Rosie is correct, Alec was expecting you to leave with him when he went back up to Cambridge? He wasn't expecting a no."

I nodded as I watched her twist the gold ring.

"His ego's hurt, and he didn't know how to cope with it. Everyone knows how much that boy adores you."

"Mum, he's been head over heels with her for years," Rosie pipped in.

My mother drew air through her teeth, "Oh, while you were with Max? Poor lad. He probably thought it was a done deal now you were together and everyone else was out of the picture. Why did you say no?"

Trust her to get straight to the point. Rosie hadn't dared ask me that question. I drummed my fingers on my thighs, stalling my reply. "I got scared," I muttered, my scalp prickling with shame.

"Scared of what?" Rosie asked as she took the seat opposite us.

"Scared I was rushing into something where I would lose myself if I left with him." I looked over to my mum. "You and Dad rushed getting married and having babies and no offence, but you're not happy now. I know you regret how your life ended up."

"Whoa, Natasha." She placed both her palms flat onto the table, ready to push herself up. "I'm slightly insulted you'd make such assumptions. Who said I regretted my life? Don't put words into my mouth. Your father and I are going through a bumpy patch, but I don't regret getting married or having children when we did. Simply because I decided to go back to school doesn't mean I was miserable with my life."

"I'm sorry, Mum. I thought with everything that's been going on-" I paused and winced internally. "Don't you wish you'd finished school when you were younger?"

"In an ideal world maybe, but you can't plan everything down to the last minute. Don't watch life pass you by. If you wait for everything to go according to plan, you might find he isn't there waiting for you. Ask yourself if losing him is worth it?"

"If he loves me as much as he claims, shouldn't he be willing to wait?"

"And if you love him, shouldn't you be willing to compromise? He asked you to move a few hours away from your home. He didn't propose, and he isn't moving to another country. For goodness' sake, Natasha. Put yourself in his shoes. Last year, you moved to a whole other country on a whim. He asks you to do something less dramatic and you shoot the boy down."

My stomach knotted and worry gnawed at me as I let my mother's words sink in. "Shit! I really messed this up."

"Natasha! Language," Mum scolded as she walked over to the kettle and flicked it on.

"Sorry, Mum." Rubbing my temples with the tips out my fingers, I huffed. "What am I going to do?"

Rosie squeezed my shoulder and joined my mum at the kitchen counter. "Well, first you'll have a cup of tea-" she dropped tea bags into three teacups and poured the boiling water over them- "then you can go find Alec and explain he isn't just an option."

When I finished my drink, I trod back up to my bedroom and dialled Alec's number for the umpteenth time that day. "Come on, Alec. Pick up," I mumbled into the phone as his voicemail kicked in.

***