38 | in which he sees the difference

Show me you're different.

Show me you'll stay.

And maybe I'll show you what I really am.

.\.|./.

Ryan Falls

| in which he sees the difference |

I splash water on my face before looking up into the mirror. My hair dripping wet, I focus on my breathing, curling my fingers around the edge of the basin.

Images of the past flash on my mind's eye ... all the time spent loving her, kissing her, wasted on her.

Why her? Why did it have to be her here? It could have been anyone and it's her instead.

My eyes close tight and I inhale through my nose, wishing I could go out and know that she's gone. I don't want her here, back in my life and ready to wreak havoc. I have to admit, I had been expecting to run into someone here and internally hoping I wouldn't have to see someone.

Guilt floods me when I remember the way Crystal looked at me as I got up and walked out on her. I should have stayed, I should have said something. She deserved an answer, especially after she told me she was afraid of being left behind again. I feel like such a hypocrite, putting her through the exact thing she told me she didn't like.

I should go back to her, and I'm about to do exactly that, or would if I opened my eyes and didn't see the familiar face in the reflection. I spin around, wanting to walk right past her and out of the bathroom before she can intercept my path.

"Ryan, wait --" Lilliana begins, her face cautious.

"What are you doing here?" I demand, not wanting to hear a word.

The last thing I want is to get kicked out of the restaurant for having a girl in the bathroom.

"I just want to talk to you," she says, her blue eyes so different from Crystal's.

"There's nothing I want to talk about," I state as firmly as I can, trying to pass her by and make my way out of the place.

She blocks my path. "Please, Ryan, listen --"

"Listen to what? Another lie?" I snap, at the end of my patience with her.

"I never lied to you," she counters, her thin face still exactly as I remember. "You should at least give me a chance to explain."

"What do you want to explain?" I ask, curling my hands into fists. "You made me a laughing stock, Lily. You basically ruined me. How can you explain that?"

"I didn't mean for that to happen, okay?" she exclaims, and I'm worried somebody will hear her.

"You told them," I remind her. "You told them all."

"I didn't do that."

"You and I were the only ones there, Lilliana. How can you stand here and lie to my face?" I throw my hands into the air.

"I only told Patricia and ..."

She trails off and I purse my lips, folding my arms across my chest.

"You told the gossip queen and of course, that's not your fault," I mock.

"Ryan --"

"You fucking destroyed everything!" I snap, my temper rising.

I don't know what's worse -- what she did or the fact that she doesn't even realize it. I could have dealt with everything. I had been dealing with everything until she ruined it. She exposed me to the world and never even looked back.

"I freaked out, Ryan!" she cries out. "You had a panic attack and ... what was I supposed to do?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe talk to me?"

Lilliana closes her eyes.

I stand there, glaring at her and panting. I can't even bear to look at her, remembering all the things I heard. She made a joke of me, causing rumors to flow everywhere as people laughed at me behind my back. I was the freak who had a panic attack during sex. All because there was a power shortage and the lights went out?

Ryan's afraid of the dark? That's a joke.

That guy? The guy who acts like such a big-shot?

Ryan Falls? The Ryan Falls?

"I'm sorry," she says.

I swallow hard, hating her more than ever. She could have prevented it from happening. If only she hadn't told Patricia Garner about it, I would still be living my dual life in LA. Maybe I should thank her, since she indirectly gave me the strength to get up and leave. Neither quitting college in my second year nor leaving my home without a penny in my pocket seemed a big deal. At least it was better than having to answer all the questions people asked.

Maybe I should thank Lilliana for saving me.

Unable to make up my mind whether to be grateful or to wish she was dead, I decide to get out of here before I say something I shouldn't. I'm already passing her by when she grabs my hand.

"Don't." I wrench it out of her grip and step back. "Don't touch me."

Her eyes widen, the eyes I loved. "Ryan, I said I'm sorry," she says. "You can't blame me. I tried to talk to you but you disappeared and ... but now you're back. We can go back to the way things were, Ryan. I still love you."

"But I don't love you," I say without a beat, trying to find a straight path to the door without having to push Lilliana out of my way.

"That's not true," she counters. "I saw the way you looked at me out there, you --"

"I was surprised, that's all," I say truthfully.

"I don't believe that."

"I don't care." My tone is firm when I attempt to escape again.

Lilliana blocks my path again, trying to reach out so that I throw up my hands. I don't want her to touch me. I don't want her scent or the scent of LA on me again. It took me months to shed that skin and there is no way I'm letting LA mark me again. Even Crystal said we should go further on to Vegas, and I'm more than happy to do that as soon as possible.

Crystal ... her thought makes Lilliana even less tempting. Sure, I loved Lilliana. Or I had thought I did. I had cared about her and thought we could work it out. That was all. It wasn't love, or I wouldn't have been able to walk away. It was over even before I knew it. She lost me the day she told her friend about my mishap and made me a laughing stock.

I can't help but wonder how Crystal will react when -- and if -- she finds out.

"Is it because of her?" Lilliana asks, her face set as she steps closer.

I step back, maintaining the distance between us. "You have no right to ask me that."

"I'm your girlfriend --"

"Were," I correct her. "You were my past. And that's all behind me now."

"I don't believe --"

"Get the fuck out of my way, Lilliana," I snap as she corners me against the wall. If I wanted, I could jerk her to the side and be free. As much as I want, though, I can't hurt her. I would never hurt her anyway, but after seeing what Crystal's ex did to her, my mind is made up that violence will never be an option for me. I would rather be a victim than a perpetrator.

Just to challenge me perhaps, Lilliana pulls closer so that there are only a few inches between us.

"You remember everything we did?" she asks, her eyes boring into mine. "The way I made you feel. I bet she can't do that."

Her hand comes to rest on my chest and I have an overwhelming urge to slap it away. In my heart, I just want to push her back and teach her never to touch me again.

"I bet no one can," Lilliana whispers, getting up on her toes so that her lips are an inch from mine.

No violence. No violence.

Chanting the mantra over and over in my head, I close my eyes and hold still. I want her to just stop and leave, internally praying that somebody would come and kick us out after all. Explaining things to Crystal would be better than having to kiss Lilliana again. The sight of her makes my skin crawl, the thought of her taste on my tongue causing my stomach to twist into knots.

I almost throw up when I feel her lips on mine, her tongue grazing my lower lip as it demands access. I refuse to move, focusing on my breathing instead. Her hands slide down my front, not stopping when they reach the hem of my shirt. I feel her fingers on my skin and my eyes snap open.

The first thing I see is blue eyes. Not Lilliana's but of the girl standing in the doorway, watching me with shock and disbelief written all over her face.

My breath catches in my throat, but I don't get to speak because Crystal has already turned away. The door slams behind her when she leaves, shaking me to the core, and my no violence rule pops like an invisible bubble. I shove Lilliana away from me, not even stopping to buckle my belt again as I run out of the bathroom and look all around me.

Long blonde hair whips out of the restaurant exit and I follow. Even when the manager tells me I can't leave without paying, I nearly throw a bunch of money into his outstretched hands, not caring how much I hand him. My heart beats in my ears, deafening me as I chase a shadow through the crowded mall and bustling parking lot.

I finally catch up to her next to the car, panting, breathless, and mentally blank.

"Crystal --" I begin, ready to tell her anything she asks.

Suddenly, the desire to not break her trust is stronger than my wish to be strong. At this moment, only Crystal matters.

"Please, I can explain --" I pant.

"How could she?" Crystal snaps, spinning around to glare at me. "How could she kiss you like that?"

"What?" I breathe, dumb-founded as I watch her run her hands through her hair.

"How fucking dare she?" Crystal rambles on, pacing in the limited space between me and the car. "She kissed you. I can't believe she --"

"I thought you thought I did --" I begin weakly.

"Of course you didn't, Ryan, I'm not stupid," Crystal huffs, rolling her eyes. "It was her, and I saw it. She just ... she fucking ..."

Crystal runs her hands through her hair again, throwing them into the air as she struggles to formulate words. As for me, I stare at her, my mouth hanging open and heart frozen. I can't believe she would think that way.

Every time I have thought about telling Crystal about my past, a nagging fear has prevented me. What will she think? Will she blame me? Will she think differently about me? Even when I think about telling her what happened between Lilliana and I, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being judged, of being labeled the one at fault. The bad guy.

But here she is ... after seeing me lip-locked with a girl in the gents' bathroom. How can she still trust me? How can she still think the same way?

"Why'd you ..." I can't even ask her the question I'm dying to ask.

"Leave?" Crystal asks. "Come on, Ryan! I was afraid I'd slam her head against the wall. I left so I wouldn't have to go to jail because of ..."

She stops when I close my eyes and bow my head. My heart tears to bits at the thought of what could have happened, my mind going haywire. Any girl in her place would be asking me a dozen questions, calling me out for being unfaithful and asking me why I can't trust her. Crystal here is telling me she knows I wouldn't do anything to let her down. She trusts me more than I trust myself, and I don't even know why.

"Ryan?"

Her cool fingers touch my cheek and I lean into her touch, opening my eyes to stare into hers.

"Are you okay?" she asks.

I lick my lower lip before answering.

"Ryan --"

"I have something to tell you," I say, my voice barely louder than a whisper.

Crystal seems taken aback. She opens her mouth, closing it again. "Truth or --?"

"No," I say, my breath heavy and ragged. "Not tonight."

She takes in my expression, pursing her lips and letting me take her hand. She doesn't ask me why, and as for me, I know there is nothing that can equate what I'm about to tell her. No secrets, no burdens, no demons can compare to mine.

It'll either make it or break it.

And I'm ready.

.\.|./.

A/N: Ready for Ryan's full story? What do you think will be Crystal's reaction?

I honestly love the two of them in this chapter. If you know me even a little, you probably know I'm a lover of good guys and a huge believer in healthy relationships. I think love, trust, dedication, and support can do wonders. For me, that is more important than sex and kissing, which is why I tried to leave that out in this story. I might add some scenes in teh rewrite, but honestly, I'm perfectly happy the way it is. Not that physical intimacy is a bad thing, but just to show that a romance story can be written without smut. Let me know whether you agree or disagree.