Chapter Twelve

I'm gonna do it.

I fiddled with my hair tie and put my braids up.

I needed to do it.

Nothing said power like body modification. I was going to let someone jam a set of needles into my skin and permanently insert ink into my body. It would last forever. It would become a part of me. What the hell am I doing? Even Wren didn't believe me.

The tattoo shop was empty. At least, if I got it—I mean, when I got it, Da-Bin would be my tattoo artist. He and Wren messed around in the shop. Val and I flipped through the tattoo book upfront.

Tattoo pictures covered the walls and rock music blared through the speakers. I dragged my fingers across a series of small musical notes. They'd be perfect for Wren, but would be perfect for me?

"How'd you decide what to get?" I asked.

"I didn't think that hard, honestly. I just wanted to piss my mom off. I wouldn't recommend doing that. Meeting Da-Bin saved how much I would've ended up hating my tat."

That's exactly what I didn't want. Why go through all this torture for something I'd end up hating years later? "I don't want to get anything that isn't worth the pain." Or remembering. I couldn't even post pictures online because my life was so boring. How was I going to get a tattoo?

"If you're worried about the pain, it's not as bad as you think. I mean, it hurts, but our fear of pain is more damaging than the pain itself. We tend to underestimate how much pain we can endure. You never know how much you can withstand until you go through it."

Great. Another salesman. Wren and Val could sweet talk a nun into hell if they really tried. They practically were with me.

"And there's only one way to find out," she wiggled her eyebrows and pulled me to Da-Bin.

He cleaned up his station, looking up from the tattoo gun. My knees went weak. I could practically feel the needle grinding into my skin. "I need a good reason to get one," I said.

"I didn't." Val placed her hands on her hips. "It's just a tattoo—"

"Wait?" Wren swiveled around from the mirror. "You're really gonna do it?"

"Yes." Why do I keep lying? I was still deciding, but the way he looked at me made me want to do it. I couldn't be predictable my entire life. I wanted my power back. In order to do that, I needed to break expectations, then maybe I'd finally start living.

Val squealed, pushing me down into the chair. My mouth went dry as Da-Bin rolled his stool to the table. Was I really about to do this?

"Val, stop. She's not ready. She looks like she's gonna throw up." Wren grabbed a hold of my arm. Val did the same. They pulled me back and forth like a rag doll.

"You're a bad influence," Wren chided.

"That would insinuate she can't make decisions for herself." Val was right. She took the words right out of my mouth.

"I know she can. She just doesn't want to do it. Look at her?"

"Confirmation bias!" Val threw her hands in the air and released me.

Wren fell back, letting go. "Con-confirmation? Here you go again. I'm not a psychology—"

"Are they always like this?" I asked Da-Bin. Val and Wren bickered like Zacari and Nadia.

"You'll get used to it. Now, you know why I'm always quiet. They always want me to pick sides."

At his statement, Wren whirled around. "Da-Bin, tell her, she's being ridiculous!"

"No, tell him, he's being controlling."

"How am I being controlling..." Wren argued.

I don't even know what they're fighting about anymore. It was a nice distraction, but I lost my nerve at the sight of the tattoo gun.

Da-Bin waved it in the air. "What you saying? Want one?"

"I don't know. Should I?"

I felt like an idiot for asking him, but he didn't judge. "People come in here and get tattoos, just to get them. Not saying there's anything wrong with it, but for your first one, I think it should mean something to you."

I didn't have many things that meant a lot to me. I had my family, but I didn't want to dedicate a part of my body to them. I felt like I already dedicated my life, and that seemed to be for nothing. But there was someone I wanted to show up for, and if I could, I would dedicate everything to her. "I think I want to get my mother's name. Zoe."

Da-Bin nodded. My tattoo had been approved. "Where you want it?" he asked.

Wherever the least painful. "My wrist, like on the side."

I envisioned her name. Small and cursive. I liked it, and it was only three letters.

After he created a few drawings, he drew it on a stencil and placed it on the side of my wrist. All the while, Val and Wren shouted to no end. When the tattoo machine buzzed, they dropped everything.

"Holy shit. You're really doing it." Wren ran straight for me, clutching my hand. "It's okay. I got you."

I screwed my eyes shut and the buzzing threaded into my ears. My heartbeat increased, but when the needle touched my skin, I relaxed. It just felt like a little burn. It was more uncomfortable than painful. "It's not bad."

"See?" Da-Bin smiled, waving at the others. "They're dramatic."

"Who's Zoe?" Val asked.

"My mom."

"Oh!" She dropped her head. "I'm sorry."

"Oh no, she's not dead. Not yet, anyway."

"Nora," Wren scolded.

Fearing someone would start an unwanted conversation, I pointed to her name. "Something's missing."

Six pairs of eyes inspected the tattoo. The sunflower field ran through my mind. I didn't take pictures. I should have. It was beautiful, and I was honest about my fears. We kissed and got lost together. The sunflower field was the first time I reveled in the silence. I found peace.

Wren's eyes felt like the heat of a spotlight. I raised my shoulders to hide from him. Pointing to the place beside my mother's name, I asked, "Can you put a sunflower here?"

"A sunflower? Yeah." Da-Bin pulled out another stencil.

Wren's hand tightened around mine. My embarrassment was useless when I saw his face. Grinning from ear to ear, he hooked his fingers around my chin and kissed me. It was quick, and I realized I loved all his kisses. The quick ones, deep ones, and everything in between.

I blushed when he pulled away and slid into the chair with me. He raised his sleeve and slapped his wrist. "Alright. Me too. Same spot."

Da-Bin deadpanned. "You've reached your limit. You gotta pay."

"Oh, come on!"

"I want one too!" Val pulled up a chair beside me.

Wren shook his head, wrapping his arm around my waist. "No. It's our thing."

"Nora, do you mind me sharing a tattoo with you?" she asked. How could I say no to that face?

"I'd love it if you got one too." When the words left my mouth, Wren dropped his head into my shoulder. I was ruining his moment.

"She gotta pay too?" Wren asked.

"I can pay in kisses," Val winked at a blushing Da-Bin.

Wren puckered his lips. "I'll kiss you too."

After Da-Bin finished with the three of us, I convinced him to get one too. He was already covered. Another won't hurt. When we were all freshly tatted, we took pictures. Hopefully, the first of many. If we kept going, I would have a ton of life-defining moments to choose from. I already had a few, and the first one came wearing a leather jacket in 90-degree weather.

"I'm hungry," I said as Wren looked out the shop's front door.

"Songbird, there's a surprise for you outside."

Now, what? I hated surprises. I couldn't control my face. If I hated it, he'd know. I'd rather he just tell me what it is, but knew he wouldn't budge. When I tried to interrogate information out of Da-Bin and Val, they played dumb. Everyone was in the dark, apart from Wren.

He danced, waiting for me. "You're gonna love it." He pushed me to the door, and whispered, "I hope so."

Oh, God. I forced my way back onto the crowded sidewalk. Looking past the street, I saw nothing but cars in motion. What was I supposed to be surprised about? I searched the crowd, looked up at the buildings. Nothing.

I turned back to the door and shrugged. Wren pointed to the side, and I scanned the crowd again. This time I found it. Shae.

They were dressed up in a yellow and black checkered suit. Their fro seemed to grow ten feet tall. They gave me a small wave. I bolted to them and we embraced each other because we really had been separated by war. "I'm so sorry," I confessed.

"Me too," they mumbled into my shoulder.

"How are things at home and the restaurant?"

They hooked their fingers around my wrist and beamed. "You've been away from home for a month and got a tattoo. Who is she?"

I laughed. "No, seriously, how's Dad?"

I wasn't sure if I wanted them to confirm or deny our father's torment. When they chose not to answer, I felt the former lodged in my throat like a lie I couldn't avoid. And whether I hid it or drew a picture, Shae knew it too.

Turning me around to face the bright and eager trio, Shae said, "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?"

"Oh, right." This was new for us. I could count on one hand how many people I've introduced to my family. Being able to experience something new with Shae made me feel better. The hole in my chest ached less when I could prove I had a life too. "This is my sibling, Shae."

The three greeted Shae like they'd known them for years. Shae was great with new people. The approachable one, my father would say. The Shae Effect. They could charm anyone. The trio seemed as smitten as any.

"I wanted to celebrate Nora's independence," Shae said.

Independence? Is that what we were calling it?

"Oh!" Val shouted. "I know the perfect place. You're seventeen, right? They don't card."

"Uh...no," I said. I wasn't taking my baby sibling somewhere to get drunk.

"It's fine," Val swatted. "They don't have to drink. Besides, FrontRunner hosts nights around the world. Tonight is France. You can drink at sixteen as long as adults are around."

"Val, this is America," I said.

"I won't drink." Shae raised their hands.

"Shae, don't go to hell for that lie," I pointed.

They acted like I was being unreasonable. When Shae and Wren got me into his car, they tag-teamed me. I'm going to start calling them twins. They were the same person, and every time I ended one argument, another would counter.

Either way, I was going to watch Shae like a hawk.

FrontRunner was a tiny, hole in the wall. Tucked in a little corner in the abandoned part of town, you would miss it. It was a restaurant, but with the way the music bumped, you wouldn't guess. The street was empty and littered with trash. Teenagers stumbled out the front doors. I wasn't sure if they were drunk or high, but they didn't care. They were so happy.

"Hey! It's Wren Wade," a guy shouted, shaking his hand. Wren was like the president. We walked with royalty.

When the group overstayed their welcome, Wren grabbed my hand. Their eyes devoured our interlocked fingers as their gazes drifted to me. Looking me up and down, they smiled and fumbled across the street. I looked down at my dress. I hope I looked better than I did at his show.

Did people still think I was unworthy of his attention? What did they want me to do? Shave my head? Lodge a piercing into my nose?

"Did I tell you how pretty you look?" Wren whispered in my ear.

"Sorry. What did you say?" I joked.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close. I swear he could feel my heart in his chest as he pressed his forehead into mine. "I damn near stopped breathing when you walked out in this yellow dress."

"We're throwing up," Val said as she held the door open. "Let's go."

Inside, it was smaller than it looked. The band stood on top of each other. The keyboardist rammed down on the keys. His solo had the crowd going nuts. They had pushed the tables and booths into corners, making their own dance floor. It was a tight, sweatbox full of panting dancers, judgemental bystanders, and avid drinkers. The band jumped in rhythmic time and I felt the walls shake. They were playing jazz, people were ordering tacos, and a group of guys were playing poker in the back. How was this France?

We squeezed into a tight booth as I watched a girl throw up on herself. This place was my worst nightmare.

"Val, has this place even passed inspection?" I shouted over the music.

"Oh, yeah," Da-Bin waved. "Like in 96' or something."

"You're supposed to pass them every year!" The music stopped and I cringed at my voice. They rolled a D.J. on stage next, and the crowd clapped for him. This place didn't know what it wanted to be.

"Oh, I love him. I'mma go dance." Shae hopped out of the booth and got lost in the crowd. It wasn't long before Val and Da-Bin were in the midst of the chaos.

I watched the dance floor move to the electronic beat, and Wren tapped his foot. "Let's go."

"I should keep an eye out on Shae." I craned my neck to find them. They were dancing with a girl who looked like she was already in love. The Shae Effect in action.

Val and Da-Bin wiggled their way through the crowd, and Wren looked back out. "Are you sure you don't want to go? We should dance."

I wanted to, but I needed to make sure Shae was okay. Besides, it was sweaty and dirty. I wouldn't have fun. Like I said, I had no rhythm. It would be just another way for people to judge me. I'll pass.

"Well, I'm gonna go dance." Wren slid out the booth and looked back at me. When I didn't move, he shrugged and fell into the crowd.

I guess he was done convincing me. As I lost him in the crowd, I watched life on the sidelines. I wanted to leave. They all left me.

Mr. I'll make your dreams come true was nowhere to be seen. Even Shae was having more fun than me. And why should they? I was the one who got kicked out. This was supposed to be my night to celebrate my freedom, so why was I still inside my cage? The door was wide open. At some point, I needed to take the damn paintbrush and take over my painting. I was supposed to be dancing. I needed to dance.

Clawing my way through the crowd, I scoured the endless maze of bodies for him. A waiter weaved through the dance floor, handing out shots. I needed my power back. Taking one off their hands, I threw my head back, but gummies slid down my throat. Shit. What the hell did I just take?

This is why I can't have nice things. The moment I was out on my own, I made mistakes. I don't make mistakes.

"Songbird?" he emerged from the crowd.

I whirled around. "I think I took weed gummies."

A band of colors flickered against his face. He threw his head back and laughed. "I've created a monster."

"I didn't do it on purpose!"

The club's energy was contagious, latching onto me like it'd been waiting for me. People moved in disarray but still kept the beat. It was a jungle of bliss.

He circled around me, gliding his fingers across my stomach. Bumping his shoulder into mine, he tried to loosen me up. The flashing blue did wonders to his eyes as he pulled me close. "Just follow me."

Someone take my black card away. I got a white boy showing me how to dance.

Wren's fingers danced at my hips. I bobbed my head when he did. Swaying back and forth, he added a step to keep me on my toes.

When I finally found the beat, he let me go. Like my first time without training wheels, I got self-conscious. He pulled my attention back to him. Wiggling his shoulders, I copied and before I knew it, I laughed. His eyes lit up, and his next series of dance moves aimed to keep me laughing. When I was in a fit of giggles, his hands found their way to my hips again.

I kissed his cheek. He said something, but the music was too loud. I took it as encouragement and kissed his lips. I flushed into his body when he swung his hips to the music. Whether it was the atmosphere, the music, or just him, I fell into heady bliss. I loved his touch, his smell, and the way he made me feel like I could fly.

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