fifteen: this promise

"Come on, dude, I'm your best friend! You can tell me anything, you know that!" Dillon whines. "Besides, it's my house you're crashing at!"

"I know, I know," Jeong-Soon mumbles, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket. "Dude, I can't tell you. I'm sorry." His face feels hot, too hot, burning with the remnants of anger---at himself, at Gregory Gan, at his sister. Especially his sister, for her unwanted interference, for stealing so many what-ifs and could-have-beens.

Gregory and I could have had a future together. She took all that from us, and now we're left with nothing.

But he can't tell Dillon that. He can't tell Dillon anything about what's been happening, despite him being his best friend.

"Come on, dude," Dillon presses. Curious. Too curious. Jeong-Soon's fingers find the edge of his t-shirt---rumpled from being caught in the rain the day before. He's still wearing the same clothes, since Dillon's wardrobe is too small to fit him. He tugs at the fabric nervously, nails feverishly wrinkling the thin cotton. "It can't be that bad, right? Did you have a fight with your sister?"

Jeong-Soon allows the part of his brain that always overthinks to take over, running his answer through a sieve, filtering out any mention of Gregory or the screaming match they'd had in the pouring rain. "You could say that," he manages. Then, afraid of sounding unconvincing, he tacks on, "A bad fight. Like, really bad."

"Ooohhh, what was it about?" Dillon asks, and Jeong-Soon begins to wish he'd crashed at Mia's or Sully's or literally anyone else's house instead.

"Stuff."

"How detailed." Dillon rolls his eyes playfully. "What kind of stuff?"

"How did the date with Lana Delgado go?" Jeong-Soon interjects swiftly. He heaves a sigh of relief when Dillon's face instantly brightens, countenance almost rivalling the sun. His best friend grins, bunny teeth poking out in obvious elation.

"Amazingly! I bought her the BTS meal, and we disagreed over whether the cajun sauce or sweet chilli was better---seriously, the sweet chilli was disgusting, I didn't know how she could stand that stuff---and then she wanted to start on the Maths tutoring immediately but I wanted to talk for a little longer, then she stood up and was like Never mind, I'll just ask Angie, and then she walked out, and I was absolutely crushed, and---"

"Hold on," Jeong-Soon interrupts. "You said it went amazingly. That, uh, doesn't sound particularly amazing to me."

Dillon's smile widens. "The super cute cashier took pity on me and gave me a free Oreo McFlurry."

"Oh."

"Even though he's technically not supposed to because he's fresh out of high school and only working there part time."

"Okay?"

"He also gave me his number."

"Oh." Jeong-Soon can't help the grin that unconsciously creeps over his lips, twisting them upwards. "Let me guess, you're going to call the super cute cashier from McDonalds."

"I am going to call the super cute cashier from McDonalds," Dillon declares giddily. He starts swinging his arms back and forth as they walk, a little kid in a candy store. "Forget about Lana Delgado, even though I'll miss her hips. I am a man in love!"

Love.

The word scythes through Jeong-Soon, slicing him in half in one clean swipe. His heart feels like it's stopped beating, a knife lodged deep in his chest. His head is suddenly a madman's playground, a whirl of nonsensical thoughts. His digits, still tangled in the hem of his shirt, scrunch the cotton in between them, comfortingly soft against the blistering heat of his fingertips.

"I'm in love with him."

Acrid words that ring through his mind every time he lets it wander. The same tearful song playing on repeat, over and over again. The crush of the torrential waves against his fragile heart. The way it rises in a gasping crescendo, louder, louder, louder, piano, mezzo piano, mezzo forte---forte at its thorny peak, before it crashes down to silence, more bitter than sweet.

Not a love story, but a tragedy.

"Uh, dude?" Something in his vision twitches, and Jeong-Soon automatically flinches. His heart stops racing when he realises it's just Dillon, snapping his fingers in Jeong-Soon's face, a quizzical look painted onto his features. "You okay? You zoned out for a moment there." Dillon chuckles. "And I thought I was the spacey one."

Jeong-Soon realises he's stopped walking, feet screwed to the ground with invisible roots. He rakes a hand through his brown hair, chestnut strands snapping off at the behest of his seeking fingers. "Sorry. I was just...thinking."

"I didn't know you could think," Dillon jokes, and Jeong-Soon feels laughter bubbling from the back of his throat. It flows from his tongue---easy, natural. For a moment, he's the person he'd been before Gregory Gan had stormed back into his life.

Gregory.

I hope he's okay.

And he's consumed by the heady autumn musk of worry, a dizzying spiral of thoughts he'd tried to suppress. They plow into him, splashing over his head as they submerge him in thick, black water. Millions of choking ideas, slamming down on him and dragging him under. A drowning man brought back to life, only to be tortured once more. For a moment, his senses blur, and all he can hear are the screams trapped in his head.

A warm hand wraps around his arm. Jeong-Soon jerks back to reality, the faint scent of bubblegum heavy in the air. The water recedes, lapping at his ankles with the promise of unwanted return.

"Can I steal my boyfriend for a minute?" Mia questions. Without waiting for Dillon to reply, she starts yanking Jeong-Soon away. Her grip is a little too tight, her smile a little too forced, her steps a little too quick.

She's pissed, Jeong-Soon realises, alarmed. He's never seen his girlfriend angry before, but he can see it in her clenched jaw, darkened eyes, and rapid strides. Mia drags him to the courtyard, pulling him behind one of the huge trees lining the cracked brick. It's then that she releases him in favour of crossing her arms over her chest, and the strange urge to flee tugs at Jeong-Soon's chest. He does his best to ignore it.

"You're cheating on me," she says.

Jeong-Soon's heart sinks, one thought clear in his mind: Archer. That piece of crap must have ratted me out. "Mia---"

"Answer me, Jeong-Soon!" Mia snaps, and it's then that Jeong-Soon realises he's in deep shit. She's not just pissed, she's livid.

"What did Archer tell you?"

"Archer didn't tell me shit." Mia's brow creases, and for a moment, the anger on her face gives way to disappointment. It feels even worse than the uncharacteristic rage. When the heated eyes, creased forehead, and thin mouth of fury return, it's almost a relief.

"I'm not cheating on you, I swear," Jeong-Soon protests.

A bitter chuckle escapes Mia's lips. She uncrosses her arms, one nail travelling to pick at her skin. "Jeong-Soon, I'm not---I'm not stupid. You don't need to treat me like I am."

"Mia---" Jeong-Soon reaches out a hand to his girlfriend, regretting it immediately when she inches away. "Why would you think---"

Mia draws in a shaky breath, making him pause. She sighs, the anger on her face wavering. "Yesterday, we were all really worried after your...thing." Ah, yes, the episode where my headphones literally tried to strangle me. That...thing. "After you rushed out, Marilyn asked me to check on you, so I did. You didn't go far."

Something pools in the bottom of Jeong-Soon's stomach, hard and heavy and cold. No---she didn't---no---oh my gosh, no---

"Dating both of us at the same time? Me and...him? Gregory Gan?" Mia remarks incredulously. "Stringing both of us along like fools while you laugh with your friends about bros before hoes and how you've got game?"

Oh my gosh. She heard everything.

"I didn't want to interrupt, since it looked like you were...occupied. But it's really hard to just ignore things when your boyfriend is openly talking about how he's cheating on you." Mia's bottom lip quivers, and Jeong-Soon knows he's screwed up completely this time. "And you're in love with him?" Her voice is softer now, sadder, so tearful it completely breaks Jeong-Soon's heart. "No wonder you couldn't say it back the other day."

"Mia, please. It's not what it looks like," Jeong-Soon tries.

A tear slips from the corner of Mia's eye. "I don't see how it could look any other way."

"Mia, please," Jeong-Soon repeats. The icy chill of the waters grip him in their suffocating hold once more, rising, rising, rising, threatening to choke the words straight from his throat and freeze his lungs in his chest. "Let me explain. Please. I'm sorry. It's really---let me explain. Please. I'm so sorry. Mia, please." He knows he's rambling, but he can't bear to let the ocean take Mia from him.

Mia pauses, and Jeong-Soon can almost see the cogs turning in her head, as if deciding whether to hear him out or not. Her chest heaves, shoulders slumping. "Okay." She turns to him again, and the tears in her dark eyes feel like needles stabbed into Jeong-Soon's soul, the knowledge that he'd been the one to put those tears there eating him alive.

"I'm not cheating on you," Jeong-Soon starts. Overthinking as always, choosing every word like his life depends on it. "Gregory and I...we have...history."

There's a hint of sarcasm in Mia's laugh. "We've established that." Then she chokes, breath hitching as the sardonic chuckles give way to tearful hiccups. Jeong-Soon wants to hug her---wants to wrap his arms around her and tell her everything will be okay.

But he can't, because things aren't okay.

"I haven't seen him in two years," Jeong-Soon presses on, leaving out the details of their history. "And he just shows up like---I don't know, a ghost?---and instantly starts causing trouble. He got into a fight with Archer and his gang---I don't know how. Gregory---he got some private pictures leaked. Archer beat him up real bad and wanted to spread those pictures around school to get him to leave Bailey. I didn't know what to do---"

"So you stepped in, convinced Archer he was your boyfriend, and got him out of both the rest of the beating and having those pictures leaked," Mia says quietly.

Jeong-Soon nods. "I'm so sorry, Mia. I'm really sorry." He waits with bated breath, afraid she won't believe him, afraid she'll interpret it all as an elaborate lie, afraid, afraid, afraid.

Then her shoulders shake, tears start rolling freely down her cheeks, and for a moment, Jeong-Soon's sure she's come to the worst conclusion. Instead of throwing the nearest tree branch at him and running off, she exhales heavily. "So the cheating...all a lie?"

"Yes." Please believe me. I'm telling the truth. I swear on my life.

"Okay." Mia blinks away tears. Then she turns away. "Let's break up."

"Wait, what?"

"Let's break up," Mia reiterates. Her voice is soft, a ship pulsing through a calm sea. "I believe you, Jeong-Soon. I really do. And I have no doubt that everything you told Archer was a lie. Except one thing." Sunlight threads itself through her curls, a golden halo around her beautiful face. One hand slips free from her side, resting against the gnarled bark of a nearby tree. Under the speckled leaves, she looks like an angel---warm and benevolent and perfect. "You meant it when you said you were in love with him, didn't you?"

"Mia---"

"You don't have to answer." Mia swipes the back of her hand across her eyes, coffee-toned skin coming away damp. "You really like him a lot, don't you? You don't like me anymore." There's no anger in her gaze, not even the slightest trace of disappointment. There's nothing but sadness. Pure, undiluted sadness that strikes all the keys of Jeong-Soon's heart in a watery dissonance. "It'll be unfair to both of us if we stayed together. So let's break up."

It hits Jeong-Soon like a hammer to a mirror, shattering every piece of him into tiny glass shards. And yet...he'd seen it coming. He'd seen the storm, the hurricane, the tornado. He'd seen nothing but pain on all sides and ruin. Beautiful, hideous, ruin.

"Okay." His words sound abnormally muffled to his ears---silent and tinny, rattling around in his mouth. "If---if that's what you want, I guess."

"It's not what I want. But what I want is for you to be happy." Mia looks so heartbroken it kills Jeong-Soon to even glance at her. "I just want everyone to be happy. And I thought I could be happy too, especially when I met you. But it's okay." The corners of her mouth turn up in a forced smile, struggling to retain her usual sunny glow. "I'll find my happiness somewhere else. And if Gregory Gan is what makes you happy...well. Go ahead, you know?"

"Mia, I'm sorry," Jeong-Soon says, and she's suddenly crushing herself against him in a tight hug, head pressed against his shoulder, arms around his torso. He lets her, one hand absent-mindedly patting her cotton-candy curls, inhaling in the sweet scent of bubblegum for what he's sure will be the last time.

They stay like that for a while, Mia's tears dampening Jeong-Soon's shirt as guilt gnaws at every inch of him. Then his ex-girlfriend pulls away, staring up at him with her warm, dark eyes. An angel on earth, far more than he'd ever deserved in the first place.

"Can we stay friends?" Jeong-Soon asks.

Mia's smile changes into something bittersweet---like dark chocolate and yearning poetry and cherry wine. She slips her hand into Jeong-Soon's, interlocking their fingers together, her palm tiny against his. "I---I'm not sure if I'm ready yet."

"I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either." Mia's palm lingers in his for another few seconds before she lets their hands fall apart, the brief whisper of their fingertips brushing against each other fading into silence. "But I need time."

"I'll wait for you." As the words leave his lips, Jeong-Soon knows it's true---he'd wait until the end of eternity for Mia, no matter friend or lover.

Something wistful lines the edges of Mia's grin. "I know. That's why I love you." And then she's gone, faded into the trees, leaving Jeong-Soon alone with nothing but his feelings.

٩( ᐛ )و

Jeong-Soon skips lunch that day.

Instead of sitting with Dillon and helping himself to his usual order of pineapple pizza, he takes a leaf out of Gregory's book and hides. He stays in class, squeezing all six-foot-one of him under his desk---to prevent any wandering teachers from seeing him---and spreading his Maths textbook across his lap.

But no matter how hard Jeong-Soon tries, he can't focus on the sums in front of him, on his eight missing assignments, on Ms Eliza's constant threats. He can't pretend everything is normal. He'd tried not to look at Gregory in class earlier, but he'd seen it---the bruising that had firmly etched its way across Gregory's face, the way he'd winced every time he'd moved.

And, of course, there's the guilt, weighing him down like a millstone around his neck. A million wonderments---should he have lied to Archer, should he have lashed out at Gregory, should he have told Mia immediately, should he have should he have should he have? So many what ifs that it gives Jeong-Soon a headache, tugging impatiently at his brain and crushing it to pieces.

"Only fools fall for you, only fools."

Jeong-Soon's head jerks up at the voice in his ears. The song is acutely familiar, a melody he'd often played over and over again to send himself to sleep. His fingers creep up to the sides of his head, and horror fills him when he realises what's clamped over his ears.

"Only fools do what I do, only fools fall."

No no no no no. Jeong-Soon tears at the headphones, trying to prise the scarlet device off him, but he's greeted with no results. The headphones refuse to budge, as if they'd been glued onto his ears. Then his fingertips touch something slick, and he recoils, shakily bringing his hands up to his face.

They come away red.

"Only fools fall for you, only fools."

Panicking, Jeong-Soon begins ripping at the headphones, nails glancing off the side of his face as he desperately attempts to detach them from him. He shoots up from beneath his desk, nearly knocking the whole table over in the process.

"Only fools do what I do, only fools fall."

Troye Sivan's voice gets more distorted with every word, and Jeong-Soon stumbles around like a closet drunkard, blood slipping from under the headphones and pouring over his grasping fingers. Hell rages in his head, strong and fiery and ruthless. He grabs at the nearest table to steady himself, only to draw back when his nails dye the wood vermillion.

And just as suddenly as they'd come, the headphones are gone, off his ears and resting casually in his hands. Jeong-Soon touches the side of his face gently. No blood. Not a trace on the pads of his fingers or the tips of his nails.

But then he sees the crimson handprint on the table in front of him.

I wasn't hallucinating.

I have to get rid of these!

Clutching the headphones to his chest tightly, almost worried they'll disappear if he lets them go, Jeong-Soon barrels out of the empty classroom like a man possessed. Maybe if I throw them off the balcony, they'll break and we'll be free from...whatever this is. His feet find their own way, pitter-pattering to the gym building, the highest one in school.

Five floors should do the trick. Headphones aren't that durable.

Taking the steps two at a time, he speeds to the top. When he's finally there, he stops. Pauses. The dust bunnies lining the entrance of the seemingly-unused gym swirl around him, and he knows they shouldn't be there. Shouldn't be surrounding a place that's utilised at least once a week, shouldn't be surrounding a boy with a broken heart. Too many things, all recently used. And yet, the bunnies remain, invisible whiskers twitching in the invisible wind, feathery paws batting at Jeong-Soon's denim-clad legs.

He feels sick, sick, sick. Fucked in the head, fucked in the heart, fucked in the soul.

I hope no one sees me up here.

He steps forward until the balcony railing presses against his chest, cold even through his t-shirt. Jeong-Soon takes a deep breath before drawing his arm back, fingers clenched around the headphones. Right. Let's do this.

His hand shoots forward. The headphones don't.

Instead, wires unfurl from the base of the headphones, wrapping around Jeong-Soon's wrist so tightly they cut into the skin. It's then that they travel forward, snapping Jeong-Soon's arm over the safety of the railing.

Jeong-Soon barely has time to breathe before he's halfway over the balcony, stomach bent over the iron railing. He manages to grab the railing with his free hand, hanging on so tight his knuckles turn white. The headphones, dangling in midair, threaten to yank him down with impossible strength. He can almost hear them taunting him, and he curses himself for being so stupidly impulsive.

Of course they wouldn't go so easily! Now I'm going to die!

The wires tighten around his wrist, and he can't help the cry that slips past his lips. Scream for help, you idiot! But there's something around his neck now, pressing his throat closed. Jeong-Soon tries to shriek, but nothing comes out except a breathless wheeze.

His fingers slip off the railing.

Then a pair of stick-thin arms wrap around his waist, bony fingers stabbing into his ribs so hard they ache. The headphones and their accursed wires vanish into thin air, and Jeong-Soon manages to drag himself back within the safe confines of the railing, gravity taking over as he flops to the floor. The arms disappear, and a body collapses on top of Jeong-Soon, briefly cutting off his air supply once more.

"ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?" Gregory Gan screams, and Jeong-Soon's shocked to see the liquid spilling from his obsidian eyes, leaving tear tracks down his now-scarlet cheeks. He's still got a black eye, and his face is swollen and puffy---although whether that's from the bruising or the crying, Jeong-Soon doesn't know. He smacks his fists against Jeong-Soon's chest weakly. "You're so fucking stupid!"

"I---I wasn't trying to jump---the headphones---" Jeong-Soon's mouth moves before his brain fully has time to process his sentences, spitting words out without fully knowing what he's saying. His mind is a mess, a tangle of relief and worry and a thousand indistinguishable emotions.

"I know, okay?" Gregory's face twists, so red Jeong-Soon isn't sure whether he's angry or embarrassed or just out of breath. "I know it's the stupid headphones, you fucking idiot!" Jeong-Soon braces himself, waiting for a punch that never comes.

Instead, Gregory grabs Jeong-Soon's face roughly and crushes their lips together.

For a moment, Jeong-Soon debates pushing him away. But then his brain catches up, and he realises that he is kissing Gregory Gan, the same boy he's wanted to kiss for two years. And he knows, he knows he shouldn't, he knows that he should run away and forge a new identity and move to Alaska, but he can't resist the pull of Gregory Gan.

So Jeong-Soon closes his eyes and lets the fire in.

It's the stars, the universe, the shuddering flame. It's the angular, feverish lightness of Gregory's body as he presses Jeong-Soon against the chill of the ground. It's the symphony of their hearts, thumping staccato as Jeong-Soon's chest swells with wild abandon. It's the curl of his fingers in Gregory's dark hair, the tender, bruised skin squeezed against Jeong-Soon's face, the butterflies escaping his stomach for the lure of paradise.

It's everything Jeong-Soon could ever have dreamed of and more, and he kisses Gregory until the salty vestiges of the other boy's tears touch the corner of his mouth.

He pulls away then, staring up into Gregory's teary eyes, still so dark---a starless night, an unlit bonfire, a reaper's cloak. The melody of his heart ascends, crescendo, crescendo, crescendo, fighting for the stars, for a future, for Gregory Gan.

"I fucking hate you," Gregory chokes out. "You even have a girlfriend."

Jeong-Soon lets his index finger trail from Gregory's ebony locks, gently tracing the bruises marking his striking face. "Said girlfriend dumped me this morning. Thanks for saving me, by the way."

"I fucking hate you," Gregory repeats, before letting his head drop down on Jeong-Soon's chest with an uncontrollable sob, cheeks flaming red as his arms shift to wrap themselves around Jeong-Soon's torso. Jeong-Soon's hand finds the small of Gregory's back and rests there, allowing Gregory to freely cry on him. "I thought you were going to fucking die."

"I thought you were going to die too. Yesterday. I didn't---I didn't know what to do," Jeong-Soon confesses. "I didn't know what would happen if I lost you."

"Gosh, shut the fuck up," Gregory demands, burying his face in Jeong-Soon's rumpled t-shirt. "You're so stupid. So fucking stupid. So fucking cheesy and stupid and I fucking hate you."

"Thanks, I---" It's then that Gregory kisses him again, effectively cutting him off.

So he gives in to the flame, falling once, twice, over and over again.

he's here, he's queer, he's been featured on wattpad THREE TIMES---

i know what y'all are thinking. you're thinking, "how did this epic disaster get featured by wattpad three times? it must be photoshop!"

trust me, i WISH i could photoshop stuff this well. (the most photoshop i can do is altering my marks on google classroom, and that's only because i experimented around, figured out the size&font, and used that little piece of info to change my marks oop---) but no, i cannot photoshop a wattpad notification. SO YES THIS IS 100% REAL AND TSP IS NOW A THRICE-WATTPAD-FEATURED BOOK SHDGDJSJ

thank you guys so much! i know i say this a lot, but i really couldn't have achieved all this without all your love and support, and i really appreciate how you guys have stuck by me all this while. thank you all so much, and i couldn't have done this without you 💙💙💙

anygays~

piano - soft

mezzo piano - moderately soft

mezzo forte - moderately loud

forte - loud

i went on a father-daughter excursion with one of my kids (illegally adopted, don't worry, i'm not having babies when i'm literally a baby myself, and yes i am a single father because her mom lEFT OUR SCHOOL) in Sky: Children of the Light, and we wore matching capes and changed our heights accordingly (so she was smol and i was tol), and then i took her to the Snow Island and we just sat there and talked and watched the view for a long while, and it just made me really emotional because she's a great kid and we're all growing up and soon i'll probably never see her again and I KNOW I AM NOT HER REAL FATHER BUT DEAR GOSH AM I EMOTIONAL. also because we haven't hung out for a long time so that was just,,,y'know,,,nice.

in other words i'd make a horrible father because i literally get so attached to and emotional over my adopted kids who are actually older than me, imagine how attached i'd be to my real kid lmao. probably would end up Overprotective Dad, and that's not good.

and so, of course, after getting all emotional over that, i proceeded to write this chapter at 2.30am instead of aCTUALLY STUDYING, hence why it's so crappy and full of crying. (do i hate this chapter? no. am i pretty sure that everyone else will hate this chapter? also no, because Jeong-Soon and Gregory kissed, but the writing itself sucks lol.)

and that seamlessly brings me to my next point: HI. THE TWO IDIOTS FINALLY KISSED. I GOT THE BALCONY SCENE I'VE WANTED TO WRITE ALL BOOK. and because i don't condone cheating and don't want to write it in THIS book, Mia and Jeong-Soon have also broken up. we also got to learn that Dillon is bi, but i'm pretty sure everyone will ignore my poor baby in favour of the Jeong-Soon and Gregory kiss.

(we need a ship name for them, by the way. i'm tired of writing 'Jeong-Soon and Gregory', lmao.)

yes kids i am still having exams and yet i have still taken the time to bless y'alls with the chapter you've all been waiting for. (which is why i haven't been replying to comments lately, i promise i'll reply to all of them after my exams!) now let me know what you think of it because i'm a hoe who craves other people's opinions.

(also, if you spot any mistakes, PLEASE let me know! i didn't have time to edit, so yeah. grammar nazis would be very much appreciated.)

once again, thank you so much for all your support on TSP, and please stick around for the next chapter! (*whispers* you might get the promised fluff~)

i love y'alls so much 💙

xoxo, Alex