fourteen: you

"I'm so sorry," the girl in the doorway whispers. "So, so sorry." She's the spitting image of Jeong-Soon, tall and willowy and pale. The same soft, brown eyes peer out from her face. If it weren't for the delicate lines hemming her face and the cascade of tangled, undyed hair, spilling down her back in an inky waterfall, they could have passed as twins.

The Sister.

"What?" Jeong-Soon tears his burning gaze off Gregory, who's almost relieved for the distraction. His cheeks are hot, and he feels nothing but embarrassment---confusion and embarrassment, masked over with rage. Embarrassment at having Jeong-Soon rescue him. Confusion at Jeong-Soon's apparent cluelessness of the texts. Rage at himself for always getting into situations like these.

"I'm sorry." The Sister is fidgeting now, shifting from one leg to the other, fingers tugging at her hands nervously. "I didn't mean---I just wanted to help---"

"Si-Young." Jeong-Soon's voice is quiet, but not with the pianissimo touch of his usual serenity. He speaks with the calm before the storm, a man possessed with a deadly mix of ice and fire. The warm brown in his eyes has muddied, and Gregory can almost feel the chill in the air. "What did you do?"

"I thought it would---you looked so---"

"What did you do?" Jeong-Soon screams, arching up from his spot besides the bed in a move so fluid that Gregory instinctively recoils. Then his eyes clear, no longer mud and broken glass, but the rich, comforting brown of hot chocolate and gingerbread. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have---"

"I was the one who blocked him," the Sister blurts, and any sympathy Gregory may have even thought of having for her instantly dissipates, replaced by anger. Red-hot, burning anger.

"You what?" Gregory shouts, instantly lunging off the bed at the Sister. Something in his chest cracks, and he can't help the pained wheeze that escapes his mouth, instantly reminded of all his injuries. His entire face throbs, and his body feels like it's been set on fire. He's acutely aware of Jeong-Soon's long fingers closing around his bruised wrists gently, dragging him back onto the bed.

"Don't punch her," Jeong-Soon commands, and while his eyes are still clear, there's something steely in his tone---something so unfamiliar that a shiver runs down Gregory's spine.

"I'm sorry." The Sister's chest is heaving now, and Gregory can see her struggling---struggling to force out the confession of her sins. "I---he---he left you, you were crying, I didn't know what to do---"

"You went through my phone," Jeong-Soon says. Placid as the shudder of pebbles on a frozen lake.

"You were heartbroken, Jeong-Soon! You cried for hours, days, weeks---" The Sister takes in a deep breath of air, and Gregory wants to kill her---wants to strangle her with his bare hands and rip her limbs apart. "Your phone was just there, and a message from an unknown number popped up, and I was worried it might have been a scammer or something, and you never put a password on your phone---"

"So you clicked on it, realised it was the guy from the music festival your helpless little baby brother was sobbing over, blocked him, and deleted his contact without a second thought. From my phone. Without my consent. And you never told me. For two whole freaking years." Jeong-Soon's lips are pressed in a tight line, and the tremble of his jaw betrays how upset he really is. He looks like he's about to cry, and the sudden urge to hug him washes over Gregory.

The slight nod of the Sister's head is enough of an answer.

"God." Jeong-Soon runs quivering fingers through his hazelnut hair. Then he swipes his phone off the small table next to the bed and tucks it into his pocket, before stalking out of his room. "I can't even look at you right now."

"Jeong-Soon! I---I was trying to help---" the Sister starts. Gregory wastes no time, hopping off the bed and barrelling after Jeong-Soon, ignoring the ache and tremble of his bruised legs.

He pauses, wondering if he should clock the Sister in the face, choke her for all the years she'd taken from them. Then he remembers Jeong-Soon's words. "Don't punch her," he'd said. So instead, Gregory whirls around to the Sister, glaring at her with all the rage packed in his being.

"Fuck you," he snarls, before running after the boy he'd loved so long ago.

٩( ᐛ )و

By the time he catches up, Jeong-Soon's already halfway out the door.

"Stop---wait---" Gregory gasps as Jeong-Soon roughly flings the door open, storming out. Like an idiot, Gregory follows him, only to be instantly pelted with tiny bullets of liquid.

It's raining.

How fucking fitting.

"You need a hospital," Jeong-Soon says, continuing to walk away without looking back. The rain doesn't seem to bother him, and the echo of his sneakered feet on the pavement match the beat of Gregory's racing heart.

"Stop---"

"You need a hospital---"

"Jeong-Soon, wait!" Gregory yells, clutching at his aching chest. The cadence of Jeong-Soon's name slides from his tongue, butter rolling over bread. So familiar, and yet, so...not.

Jeong-Soon stops dead in his tracks. He spins around, wet hair plastered to his forehead. His nose is red. Tears spill from his eyes, mingling with the rainwater streaking his face. His cheeks are crimson and blotchy, hands clenched in trembling fists at his sides.

He's not a pretty crier. It's not cute, and Jeong-Soon looks like a tomato---face screwed up and red with the effort of keeping his tears at bay, to no avail. But it's somehow comforting, as if he's not a perfect illusion straight from the pages of a storybook, but human. Hopeless. Flawed. Just like Gregory.

"What have you done to me?" Jeong-Soon cries.

And just like that, Gregory's legs give way---evidently nowhere near healed enough to handle running. Every fibre of his body stings, his stomach rolling over and over again against its bruised confines. The rain, although probably little more than a drizzle, feels like a million hailstones, slanting down on Gregory's damaged face. His swollen eye twitches, closing desperately against the assault of the flood. He crumples to the ground, hands wrapped around his torso, hugging himself tight.

Concern flits across Jeong-Soon's face. Before he can move, Gregory holds up a hand to halt him. I'm fine, he thinks. Don't touch me, he thinks. If you touch me now, I think I'll cry, he thinks.

Jeong-Soon's expression crumbles. "You're so---you're so---ugh! What is wrong with---you need a---you're so ungrateful!" He rips his fingers through his hair furiously, and Gregory notices a few tawny strands wrapping themselves around Jeong-Soon's slender digits, torn straight from his scalp. "You're hurt, my sister is a dirty snoop---God! If you'd just talked to me like a normal person on Day One, this wouldn't have happened! Fuck!" A fresh stream of tears trickles down his face, aided by the deluge of the storm. "What have you done to me? I'm becoming just like you!"

The way Jeong-Soon spits the word, almost as if it's a curse, makes Gregory press his fingers to his possibly broken ribs harder, the physical pain distracting him from the agony in his mind. He grits his teeth, feeling a gap, the burn searing his gums like a fever. The rain hurts, hurts, hurts, lashing his broken face with a thousand miniature whips. There's something in Jeong-Soon's expression---something unreadable, something deadly, a million monsters at once---

Then it's gone, and all Gregory sees is a teary-eyed boy staring at him through rain-drenched bangs.

"I'm sorry," Jeong-Soon heaves out between ragged breaths. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that---I didn't mean any of that---" He swipes at his running nose with the sleeve of his t-shirt---although Gregory doesn't see how that'll help, considering how his clothes are soaked to the bone---and buries his face in his hands. "I just---" He stops. Presses his forehead to his wrist, as if that'll stop the tears. "Why did you leave?"

Something hard clamps around Gregory's heart, and he knows he shouldn't be feeling that way---shouldn't be feeling the heated clench of anger in his soul, because it's not Jeong-Soon's fault and there's no way he could have known---but it's there, a flickering flame of fury, festering deep within him. A dragon in a golden lair.

"My mom died," Gregory snaps, as the rain chips away at his battered face. "Happy?"

Jeong-Soon's face twists, and Gregory hates it---hates the sympathy showing all over his expression, sympathy Gregory doesn't deserve. "I'm sorry---"

"You should be," Gregory cuts in, bitterness embracing him like an old enemy. And it's been two years, but he feels the pain like it'd happened just the day before, rooted deep in his heart. "I missed it. I wasn't there for her last moments. I didn't get to see her go because I was too---" His fingers dig into his bruised ribs, harder, harder, harder. "I was too busy kissing you."

"Gregory---"

"Mom...she---she had stomach cancer." Gregory hisses every word through clenched teeth. "It was some sort of growth. A tumour or whatever. I don't know. Pretty small. Removable. But it pressed right on her stomach, so she couldn't eat." He remembers how frail his mother had been, thin and pale and wan in a hospital bed. "She didn't want to go for surgery. She...she was never healthy in the first place, and she was afraid the surgery would kill her." He doesn't wait for Jeong-Soon to respond. "The doctors suggested some laser treatment thing to remove the growth. They said there was almost a hundred percent chance of success."

Jeong-Soon is silent. Gregory's grateful for that. He doesn't think he could bear any more pity.

"The laser surgery..." Unable to bear the agony in his ribs anymore, Gregory shifts his attention to his bruised hand, bending the fingers back until blinding pain sears his vision white. "It was on my birthday. My sixteenth birthday. Yours, too." Something bubbles from his lips---not quite a laugh, not quite a sob. "I was tired, Jeong-Soon. I was in the hospital for months, looking after her. It was my birthday, and I was tired. I figured I'd just pop off to the festival for a few hours as a birthday treat---I promised myself I'd be back before she was due to be out of surgery so I could greet her, and they said it was going to be successful, anyway---"

Gregory hunches over, stomach pressed against his knees. The rain stings his back, and it's cold, so cold. "My stupid fucking ass didn't expect to meet you. And I was so happy when I did---I managed to convince myself that everything would be fine and Mom was definitely going to be okay and I'd be able to greet her as she came out of surgery, and maybe I'd even be able to take a certain someone to meet her." Gregory wants to bang his head against the ground, release all the demons in his mind to the icy pull of the air. "The laser didn't remove the growth. It made it bigger. Dad texted me---told me she was going and that I had to get my ass to the hospital right away. By the time I got there, she was gone."

"Gregory---"

"You're nothing like me," Gregory growls. His hands clatter off the pavement weakly as he desperately tries to get himself back on his feet. "You're nothing like me because you're a good person, and I'm the selfish bastard who kissed a boy while his mom was dying just because it was his stupid fucking birthday and he wanted to have some fun for once in his life."

"I'm---"

"You don't understand, Jeong-Soon!" Gregory yells. He can't get up. Everything hurts. Everything hurts so bad. "I could have been there for her if I hadn't met you in the first place! And I can't even blame you for it, because you didn't know!" For a moment, there's silence, nothing but the pitter-patter of the rain on the pavement and the shallow melody of Jeong-Soon and Gregory's breaths, almost perfectly in sync. Barbed wire twists around Gregory's lips, and he snaps, "Not that you would care, because you've never lost a parent."

The sympathy in Jeong-Soon's face instantly vanishes, and his mouth twists. He looks like he wants to say something, then nods instead. "Right. Of course I wouldn't understand." There's iron hidden beneath his words.

Gregory feels a scowl creep across his face. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Jeong-Soon turns away. He seems to want to walk off, but appears to change his mind at the last minute, judging by how he stops. "Notice how it's just me and Si-Young in the house? Yeah. Car accidents where only the ones in the back seat survive tend to make that happen." He swivels back to Gregory, and through the blur of the misty rain, Gregory can see the fresh tears in his eyes. "But I agree, I wouldn't know anything about losing a parent."

Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Say sorry, you idiot! But he can't. His stupid pride won't let him.

A small, humourless laugh bursts from Jeong-Soon's lips. "I didn't want it to end this way, you know? I thought that we'd see each other again, and everything would turn out to be just a misunderstanding, and we'd fall in love all over again." He pauses, a droll smile crossing his face. "Well, it kind of worked out that way, didn't it? Except it didn't quite turn out how it did in my head. And we hate each other now. Which is what you wanted in the first place, isn't it?"

No, Gregory wants to say. Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know. The rain, heavier than before, pelts him with renewed vengeance.

"It doesn't matter," Jeong-Soon sighs. Then he turns on his heel, yanking his phone out of his jeans and starts typing away, ignoring the water no doubt dripping on his screen. "For what it's worth, I'm really sorry about your mom. And I'm sorry I indirectly prevented you from being there in her final moments." He raises his head from his device. "Do you need a hospital? Your dad's going to have to foot the bill, because I can't afford to pay."

Gregory manages to yank himself into a sitting position, wincing at the ache in his ribs. "I'm fine."

"Okay." Jeong-Soon doesn't argue. "Keep the clothes. If you want your old threads back, you'll have to wait because I'm not going back to that house until further notice. They're really bloody, though, and bloodstains are really hard to get out of clothing, so it'll probably be better to just toss them."

"Whatever."

Jeong-Soon chuckles bitterly. "Yeah, I don't know what else I expected from you." He lifts his phone to his ear. "Bye, Gregory." Then he starts walking. Gregory can't make out his phone conversation except, "Dude, I'm kind of, uh, temporarily homeless right now. Could I---" before Jeong-Soon fades into the evening grey, hidden by the vestiges of the rain. A mirage in a desert of shadows.

It's then that Gregory finally lets himself cry.

pianissimo (pp) - very soft

if you see any mistakes, please let me know! i've got my term finals next week and i Did Not Study At All, so i didn't have time to edit this chapter as much as usual. (i only edited it like, thrice? normally i edit it AT LEAST five times. and STILL end up with mistakes, because i'm blind af.) also, note to everyone younger than me: DON'T take Physics in Year 10. you'll regret it. i'm serious.

i have some pre-written chapters so y'alls will probs still be getting updates throughout my exams, since y'know, i just gotta hit Publish and type out a quick message. i might not reply to comments for about two weeks, though. (just until my exams are over.) so i'm sorry if i like, disappear off the radar for a while!

anygays~

fun fact: in chapter nine, Si-Young tells Jeong-Soon to put a password on his phone. that was also the chapter where i told everyone on my MB to read between the lines, because, well, THIS happened. in chapter four, Gregory mentions his message being blueticked and the number having no pfp. this isn't because he texted the wrong number. it's because he was blocked.

(no, this is not random. while i did consider the wrong number thing, i figured it would be too easy to figure out, so i decided from the start that this was going to happen. surprised?)

fun fact number two: i legitimately panicked when fight_the_fear said "yay we are meeting the sister who caused all this" and i was like CRAP CRAP CRAP DID SOMEONE FIGURE IT OUT and then i realised she meant that Si-Young left Jeong-Soon alone, therefore 'causing all this' and calmed down.

Gregory's mom's passing was based off my great-grandmother's. although she died when i was fairly young (like, what? six? seven? eight? i can't remember) i was very close to her so it hurt a lot. she was a really sweet woman with a truly generous heart, but her health was unfortunately quite bad. unlike Gregory's mom, who refused to get the surgery because she was too weak, my great-grandma didn't get the surgery because she was too old. however, everything else went pretty much as written, what with the laser expanding the growth and everything.

while i wasn't at a music festival when she died, i wasn't with her, mainly because y'know, different houses. my mom woke me up one morning and told me that she passed. i knew she was sick but it still hurt, y'know? (also, no one told me it was stomach cancer. maybe because i was so young.)

so as pretentious as it sounds, the emotions Gregory felt in this chapter? i felt them too. i lived through them with him, and while he's much older than 6 y/o me (we're just gonna go with 6 since i can't remember my exact age) and would therefore react differently (and also, you would probably feel more loss for a mom than a great-grandmother), this is all real. all the emotions he felt are real.

so, yeah. Ah Tai, you can't see this and you never will, but this one's for you.

once again, thank you so much for all your support! your love motivates me to keep writing! (also, in case you were wondering, NO! THIS IS NOT THE END! i still have like ten chapters left to go lmao it's gonna be a ride)

as usual, let me know your thoughts on this chapter because i am an attention-seeking hoe who craves validation. (constructive criticism is more than welcome too, xD)

i love you guys so much. stay safe, stay hydrated, stay inside *glares at the citizens in my country* and keep shining!

xoxo, Alex