Chapter 59- Taunting Visits

[] A M E L I A []

His words hung in the air.

I felt the air rush out of my lungs as he spoke.

Dad continued strongly, his voice unwavering.

"The police are trying to find the officer who hid the original reports now. However, Levi is not aware of this, in case the information is wrong," dad said. "All the police had to say for now is that Levi may or may not have been the one to supply the drug. If he was, his sentence is going to get extended. If not... then we don't know yet."

All three of us exhaled at once. This was a lot to take in right now.

How did drugs end up getting involved in all of this?

No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't see Brittany or Levi using drugs intentionally. Although Levi has done bad things in the past, drugs are not something he would even go near. He was an athlete, and moreover, Brittany hated drugs. There was no way he'd get involved in that. However, it suddenly sunk in now that the officers back then had said that Levi took drugs to try and end his life after doing what he did.

How did that fit inot this now?

After a few moments of silence, I heard my mom speak.

"This is all we can say for now kiddos. I think it's best we let the case rest until the officer is found."

We all hummed in agreement. I felt Gemma pull her hand out of mine and I turned to give her a questioning look.

"Just have to go to the bathroom," she said.

I nodded and let her go. As Gemma was leaving the room, my parents stood as well.

"We're starting on dinner. John, you're staying," Mom announced.

Mom started leaving then, not bothering to wait for John's reply. Dad nodded fondly at us and followed after mom. That left the two of us.

After a few moments, I felt John squeeze my hand, which I forgot he was holding in the first place. I turned to face him, finally taking in his appearance.

He was wearing a hoodie today, different than the fancy attire I had seen him in when he came to Lethbridge. His hair was also dishevelled, meaning he'd run his hands through it frequently. But he still looked the same, the same John that had once been one of my closest friends'. I hope we can be the same way we used to.

Myabe some day we can.

He faced me fully, his eyes holding a sadness I couldn't place. He gave me a once over, his eyes deepening in worry.

"What are you doing to yourself Amelia?" He asked, his voice broken.

My heart clenched at his words, and I shook my head at him.

"I'm absolutely okay-"

"Don't bullshit me, Amelia. You look like you haven't slept in four days, and only drank your own tears too instead of having actual food and water," he said angrily.

I looked down in shame, biting my lip as I did so. He sighed after a few moments.

"Nothing you do or say can ever change that night. I've accepted it now Amelia. That was the only thing that kept me going. That no matter how much I blame myself, Brittany won't come back."

A few traitorous tears escaped my eyes as he said those words. Words I desperately didn't wish to be true.

That I couldn't change the past.

I felt a pressure on my chin, and I unwillingly looked up to meet John's gaze. His eyes turned warmer, letting me see the strength in them.

"But just because she won't come back, doesn't mean we get to hurt ourselves for it. What's done is done Amelia. It was unfortunate and it still hurts. But we can't stop. We have to stop hurting ourselves Amelia," he said strongly, his voice rising a little at the end. "What would Brittany say if she saw you like this? She would probably slap your ass into the next century! And mine too for letting you become like this."

His words hung in the air, and I couldn't help but find truth in them.

Brittany would never speak to me again if she saw who I'd become.

John finally looked away from me and ran his hands down his face in frustration.

"Goodness Amelia, just because Levi was your brother, doesn't mean you controlled his every thought and action. Same with Brittany. Yes, you guys were best friends, but you weren't obligated to be with her 24/7."

I couldn't take it anymore.

I pulled myself away from him and stood up.

"That's enough John."

I heard rustling behind me, indicating that John had stood too. Not a moment later, I felt a pressure on my arm as he spun me around to face him. His eyes were livid, something I had never seen in John.

"What the hell is going on Amelia? Why are you so hell-bent on blaming yourself for it!?"

"Because I was the one who knew better than anyone else what he felt about her!"

And there it was. Something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

John grew furious at my words. He took a step closer to me, his hand tightening on my arm.

"Are you kidding me Amelia? This entire fucking city knew how he felt about her! We weren't blind! He followed her around all his life Amelia. It wasn't something you could stop!"

I was dumbfounded at his words. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I tried again, and finally stopped. I let in a shuddered breath and looked down at John's chest, not wanting to meet his gaze.

"I..." nothing more went past my lips.

John sighed, and suddenly, his hands landed softly on my shoulders.

"Lia, you're the last person that should be blamed. You went through it the worst."

Something struck me as he said that. Something someone told me a long time ago.

"You poor thing. You lost your brother and best friend in one day."

It didn't occur to me that I had lost myself too.

But was it time?

Time to get myself back?

It was then I remembered the rest of what Laura told me that night.

"How did you do it Laura? How did you get over your past?" I blurted out.

Laura gave me a sad smile and reached over to pat my shoulder.

"I didn't get over it. It still haunts me to this day Amelia. But the difference is I found something to move on for."

And when I closed my eyes as John hugged me, I could only see one thing clearly in my head.

One thing to move on for.

* * *

I lay in bed wide awake that night. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't sleep. It was well past midnight now, but I still felt restless.

I was thinking about Leo, as I had been ever since I left his apartment nearly three days ago, but I also thought of something else.

Something that had been bothering me to no extent.

Unable to help it, I quickly threw the covers off of me. In a flash I was ripping my bedroom door open, racing downstairs quietly to get to the door. I threw on my jacket, my boots, and grabbed my car keys. I closed the front door quietly, making my way downstairs without waking anyone up.

I made it to my car, and once I was in and had started it up, I quickly started making my way to my destination. To my surprise, it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would when I pulled up to the familiar driveway. I had expected to be bawling my eyes out, or just chickening out and heading back home.

But none of that happened as I made my way up Brittany's driveway.

Instead, I was oddly calm. Flashes of the times we spent here were running through my head. Times when we were in elementary school and we'd run up this driveway, only to play on the road for hours on end before Lillian called us inside to eat. Or on our first day of middle school, when I had come to get Brittany with my mom driving, only to find out that she was sick and couldn't get out of bed. We had missed the first day of middle school together, here in this very house. On the first day of high scool, mom had dropped me off at her house, but this time, she was ready before I even walked in. It seemed like tradition for me to pick up Brittany on our first day of any new school. That time, we had walked though, since both of our parents were working early.

I sighed as I slowly made my way up the steps to the house. The lights were out, and I hoped that Lillian was still awake, as she always stayed up painting into the early hours of the morning.

I sighed and rang the bell.

Once.

Twice.

And by the third, I was ready to give up.

I started making my way down the stairs again, just realizing how stupid this was. I didn't even know if she still lived here or not. And if she was, if she wanted to see me or not.

Just as I made it to my car, I heard the sound of a door opening behind me. I sucked in a breath and slowly turned around.

All thoughts left me as I saw a splitting image of Brittany only a few meters away from me.

She was standing at the door, her outfit smeared in paint. She still looked the same. Blonde hair, now more white that blonde, and her short frame that matched mine instead of Brittany's tall one.

I swallowed a cry as I saw her.

A mother, she was. Not just to Brittany, but a second one to me.

It had been three years since I saw her. The last had been at Levi's trial. Even then, no words were exchanged between us. Just hollow sadness.

She was the first one to make a move. She turned the outside lights on, but I knew she saw me before the added brightness. I took a step forward, trying to control the sob nestled in my throat.

"Lillian... I ..." I trailed off then, not being able to say anything else.

She tightened her hold on the door.

"Come in," was all she said.

* * *

I fidgeted in the love seat as Lillian poured out a cup of tea for me. I didn't ask for it, neither did she. She just went to the kitchen as soon as we made it upstairs, and I was glad she gave me a moment to myself. Now that the adrenaline wore off, I found myself feeling terrified of Lillian's reaction to me being here.

All too soon, she came back with the cup of tea and quietly handed it to me. I took it with shaky hands, and held the cup in my lap. Meanwhile, Lillian took the seat across from me.

We sat in silence for the next few minutes. I felt Lillian's gaze on me, but I couldn't bring myself to look up. I kept staring at the mug, thinking of words to say to start this conversation. However, Lillian was the one to break the silence intead of me.

"You took so long."

Startled, I looked up from the mug and stared at Lillian, my mouth agape.

"It took you so long to come here."

Her tone was confusing. I couldn't tell if she was being condescending, or sympathetic. Maybe both.

I looked down again.

"I didn't know if I was allowed to be here."

We were silent again, until Lillian broke it.

"Since when did you need permission to come into this house, Lia?"

I looked up quickly, only to see Lillian's tear-filled gaze settled on me. It felt odd to hear my family-given nickname from people today. Even when John said it, and now, when Lillian did. It didn't have the same ring as 'Moonie' or 'little one,' but it still felt good to hear. Distant, but good.

I stared at Lillian unsurely. She finally cleared her throat.

"Listen to me Lia, if you think about disappearing like that ever again... I'll disown you."

She was pointing a stern finger at me, much like she did when Brittany and I used to get in trouble when we were younger. I couldn't help what I did next. I quickly put the mug I was holding on the table in front of me and went over to pull Lillian into a tight hug. And that was what we both needed.

After all this time, no therapy, no words no presence made me feel like Lillian's did in this moment. Nothing felt as freeing as hugging her right now. I felt as if all my insecurities, all my pain, everything just washed away in this moment.

I felt as if I could breathe.

We hugged and cried in each other's arms for a long time. After that, Lillian and I lapsed into a peaceful conversation. Ranging from our current lives to our past memories, we talked about everything. And it felt good. It felt good to talk about everything with her. In the end, I finally asked her a question I had been meaning to all this time.

"Lillian," I said, cutting into her monologue about how annoying her new neighbors are.

She turned to me, her smile disappearing.

"Yes, Lia?" She said, softly patting my hand.

"How is Jackson doing?"

Lillian's eyes went wide.

"I mean, after everything... how is he now?" I pried.

To my surprise, Lillian suddenly stood up. I watched in worry as she slowly walked over to the big window across from me, her back to me. Her shoulders were tense, and I couldn't help but tense with her.

"What is it Lillian? Is he still-"

"I don't know Amelia. I don't know how he is."

My eyes scrunched in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

Lillian sagged, her shoulders hunching over.

"Jackson hasn't been home in three years."