Steeling Her: Chapter 46

He sighs and rests both palms on the ridge of the car that divides the car from the outer paint and panels, the inside and the outside. The complexity of the dusty car engine has his attention and not me.

The heavy smell of oil mixed with the sweet sensation of the chocolate cake’s aroma rolls into one, making my stomach churn a little. Mom’s chocolate cake should only be eaten at a table, and not the one in the garage.

“Well, I don’t need to say anything,” he finally speaks to me with an attitude I don’t agree with. He refuses to look at me, which shouldn’t be much of a surprise, but I am his only son.

“Fine, you don’t have to talk. You can listen.” I finally dominate this conversation that we should have had many years ago. That even is still fresh on my mind. I didn’t want to deal with it until I had the conversation with Elaine. I just gave him his chance to have a civil conversation with me after five years of dodging it, but he refuses to do it on my terms. Well, I’m not going to do it on his either.

“No.” He throws a wrench into the tool box with a loud clang and moves the others around that are tucked inside the box. He moves toward a red metal box to retrieve another tool for another job he wants to dodge me with.

“Yes.” I deny his rejection. I watch his shoulder drop after another long sigh from hearing my harsh tone that he has brought out of me. His head lifts up, and he stares forward at the wall full of tools hanging neatly in their places while I stare at the back of his head, noticing the grey hairs dominating a good portion of his hair, and wait for him to turn around and face me.

When he does, he leans back against the table, acting like he couldn’t give two shits about this. Folding both his arms across his chest and his legs at his ankles, he rests all his body weight onto the old, crooked, and stained table he uses to house the rest of the tools he’s collected over the years that don’t hold a place on the tool wall.

“What? What could you possible want to say to me after five years of not coming home or traveling nearly two thousand miles that you couldn’t say over the goddamn phone to me, Nick? Hmm?” he says in a huff, like I’m annoying him and interrupting his precious car time that he’s used all these years to avoid family. I can see that it has bothered my mom and sister when he excuses himself from their company.

“Stop acting like a child!” I huff at his attitude.

“A child? You think I’m acting like a child? Why don’t you start looking in the fucking mirror and start doing some growing up of your own! Or do you need your mother to do that for you too?” He points one hand at me and the other at the door I came from.

“Don’t bring Mom into this. This”—I point between the space where we’re both standing—“is between you and me. I haven’t traveled this far to come and fight with you . . . again. If I did, I would have gladly done it over the phone.” I roll my eyes at how immature he’s acting. “While you’re at it, get the fucking pole that’s lodge up your ass removed because it’s obviously affecting your mood.” Before he says anything further, I interrupt him, “Save me the comebacks or the threats. I’m tired of it.” I wave him off and reach back to grab a chair that’s lodge behind the stack of boxes in the far corner and drag it over to where he was working to make sure he listens to me loud and clear if this is how it’s going to go.

“What do you want?” He leans back and waits for me to sit down. I can see him going into defense mode already, which is not ideal, but I’m not surprised either. “To hit me again?” he scoffs. I can see that he just wants to get this over with, judging by his standoffish demeanour.

How inviting, I think to myself sarcastically. “You deserved it—”

“How?”

“You fucking told me to break it off with Carter!” I yell at him in irritation. “Can you not see that what you did is completely wrong! You pressured me into breaking up with the only girl that I have ever opened myself up to and fallen in love with. I fucking loved her, heck, I still do! And you have the nerve to stand there and act dumb, pretending that what you made me do was the right decision?” I talk back, finally getting to the root of it. No more beating around the bush, it’s game time.

“It was for your own good and you know it—”

“No, it wasn’t. It was for your own good,” I finally say it. The look on his face let’s me know that I hit him hard with that one. Good, at least he knows how it feels. He knows just as well that I did it because he wouldn’t have stopped. “You were living your dream through me. The simple story of the dad living his dream through his only son because he never got his shot at going pro—”

“How dare you—”

“How dare I?” I laugh until it falls into silence once again. The mortified look on his face let’s me know that he never thought I’d find out he was a college footballer, too, but he wasn’t good enough to go pro despite working hard. He had a bad ankle injury and it never healed right. “I know everything,” I say diplomatically. “I know you never got your chance, so you wanted mine.” I slam my hand on the table. One directed at him out of anger and another directed at myself for getting heated so quickly. “You wanted to live through me, you know I’m right.” A look of shock on his face tells me that was the last thing he expected to leave my mouth.

“How did you—”

“Know?” I scoff and turn my gaze to the side wall and shake it. “Is that all you really give a shit about right now?” I laugh in disbelief that it’s all he picked up on.

“Don’t play with me now, boy, I’m warning you.” I rise up to my feet to show him how much I’ve outgrown him both in height and width. Gone are the days of me feeling intimidated by him.

“And what are you going to do?” I test his anger when I know I shouldn’t. This is not how the talk should go, but here we are.

“Sit down now,” he urges me with a fire in his tone. I do it anyway, not because he told me to, but it’s because he knows I got my point across. I have the upper hand.

He walks back to the tool box and fishes around it until he finds the tool that he wanted. I, on the other hand, reach for my cake, not letting it go to waste despite the god-awful smell of this place.

“How did you know?” he finally asks me after some time of sitting in silence. All we could listen in that time was our own thoughts.

“Grandpa,” I say just before biting into the chocolate goodness that was blessed to me by my mom and her impeccable baking skills. My dad slams both his hands down on the car’s ridge, gaining my attention.

“That was not for him to tell,” he says with a growl.

“And what you made me do wasn’t for you to decide,” I counter.

“It’s not the same thing!” He shakes his head, irate that my late grandfather spilled the beans on him.

“Isn’t it? He decided to tell me this, and you pushed me into breaking up with my girlfriend—”

“Stop! Just fucking stop it! I made you do it because she was dragging you down. You wouldn’t be the player you are today if it wasn’t for that decision! I was looking out for you future—”

“No you weren’t. You were pushing me to have the future that you wanted! You didn’t give a shit about me or her. It was my decision, not yours. I would have never done it! The reason I’m the player I am today was because I worked hard! Not you, not her, not anybody. I fucking pushed myself to be a better player. But I’m number three in the country when I should be number one! I would be number one if I hadn’t have broken it off with her. Now, she’s with someone else, and I can’t have her!” I yell and launch the chocolate cake across the room, smashing the plate into small pieces as they drop to the floor of the filthy garage. He watches the action play out and stares at the waste on the floor.

“You worked hard because you didn’t have her.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“She was not the right one for you. You were young and dumb.”

“I was in love with her.”

“You don’t know the meaning of love. You were both far too young to know that you were in love with one another.”

“There you fucking go again, telling me how I feel when you have no idea. You aren’t me. I know what I want and what I feel, and I love her. I always have. No one, not you, or anyone else for that matter, can change the way I feel about her.” I cut the air with an open palm to cut the bullshit spewing from his mouth.

“Then why wait so goddamn long?” He lifts both of his hands in the air and shrugs his shoulders like he’s gotten one up on me. “Why wait so fucking long to go to LA and finally see her? Don’t think your mother doesn’t fill me in on your shit. I know everything. If you love her so much, then why did you wait? Huh?” he questions me. All I could do is stare at him. “That’s what I thought—”

“Because I thought she hated me. I didn’t want to hurt her by seeing her again,” I whisper, mainly to myself, but I know he can hear it.

“That’s a bullshit excuse—”

“It’s the truth, something that you wouldn’t be familiar with,” I cut him off in a harsh tone, making him look me in the eyes. “The thought of seeing her again with the look in her eyes when I broke her heart that day made me dread seeing her again and made me hate seeing you again.” I could feel my entire body drop to the floor beneath me and get swallowed up by a large black hole that’s been waiting to suck me in. “I couldn’t face that look again,” I admit. “When I found out she found someone else, I knew that I’ve lost my shot with her.”

I drop myself back down on the seat with a long sigh. I lean my elbows on my knees and stare at the floor. “Everything about her is so perfect. I never thought I could ever meet someone like her. Nobody can ever compare to her. She’s so kind, so selfless, and is always smiling. No matter what it is, she’s always smiling. She’s always been that way ever since I first met her. I never believed that bullshit saying of getting butterflies in your stomach until I met her. Or just being able to look at someone can make your entire day. Or staying up all night just so you could listen to their voice. I never got anything like that until I met her. And the crazy thing is, I still get that when I’m around her.” I finally look at my father dead in the eyes, feeling my own tears as I pour my emotions out like I’ve never done before to him. Southern men don’t do it. I can see he’s uncomfortable, but I just don’t care. I am tired of fighting, I’m tired of not being happy, and I’m tired of not being my true self.

I miss her.

I love her.

And she’s all I want.

“Seeing her can be debilitating yet energizing at the same time. Debilitating because she has this hold of me like nobody has had before. Energizing because she makes my heart race, but also makes my mind fog. I’m not able to think rationally when I’m around her. She doesn’t have to say anything, yet I find myself completely absorbed by her. I smile when I see her. I can’t control it.” I feel myself give in, ashamed that I let her go. I’m crawling to get her back but I’m not sure it’s working.

“I feel safe when I’m with her. I feel at ease and comfortable. I can truly let my guard down around her. I’ve never been able to find anything close to that since meeting her. She’s my absolute everything, and I can’t have her.” My voice quivers at the end. I licked my lips to try and stop myself from crying. I know I’ve most likely lost the one woman that I’ve ever loved. “And that’s because of your decision. Not even mine.” I nod, knowing that I’ve finally said what I’ve kept to myself for all these years. I finally get to speak my truth.

“It wasn’t even my choice.” I’m trying to hold back my emotions but I can’t seem to whenever I talk about this or about her. “Now, she’s chosen to be with some other guy who treats her with no respect as she sits back and takes it all because she doesn’t think she can do better or doesn’t think that she deserves better. Do you know how hard it is for me to stand there and watch it happen? I can’t even do anything about it because it’s no longer my place.”

“She believes that she can’t get anyone to love her for who she is and that she has to compete with their careers. I could have been that guy, I could have been the guy who got to love her—to love her the way she deserves to be loved.” I can feel my rage start to kick back up while I continue, “And because of what you made me do, I have to sit there and watch some guy mess with her heart while I could have been the one to love it.” I rest my hand on my chest, feeling it thump away in its cage.

“I could have been happy with her if it wasn’t for you. All you had to do was tell me that I needed to focus and not let my emotions about Averman get in the way of the game. After that, you could have stepped away from our relationship and let things happen naturally between us. That’s all you could have done. Instead, you took the one thing that only ever made me happy and forcefully pushed her in another direction, the opposite direction, and then choked me. That’s not fair. I could have been happy. I could have had football and her, then I wouldn’t be so miserable as I am right now.” I bite my lower lip, trying to gather my own thoughts and to stop the shaking in my voice. I wait for him to say something, but he doesn’t. Only our breathing and the light hum of cars passing by outside the garage can be heard.

“Being miserable is your own choice, and judging from the tabloids, you didn’t seem all that miserable with half of the Miss USA contestants on your arm,” he grills me while I shake my head, ashamed by my own actions. He is right, but also I’m angry with him for even bringing it up. “Seems like you still loved her then, huh?” I stand up tall and laugh, disgusted by his remark.

“Nobody can compare to her. You did the exact same when you and mom broke up too.” Astonished, he whips his gaze back to me and I stare back expectantly. Yeah, I know.

I don’t think he needs to say anything more at this point. He made it very clear that he didn’t want to talk.

But I’m not going to lie, I feel lighter having said what I said. I’m glad I did this—I’m glad I made the trip down here, even it took me five years to do it and a much needed kick from Mrs. Steel to really do it.

I said my piece, but it’s time to clean up the mess that I made, both figuratively and literally. I first start with the literal mess that I’ve made and make my way over to the wall where I threw the plate. I bend over and collect the shattered fragments. I pick them up one by one, being careful to not cut myself. Delicately, I collect them in my hand and hold them tight.

Just as I am ready to leave out the door and retire for the night, I stop when my hand reaches the door handle. It hovers on it because of his voice.

“Did she have that look when you saw her again?” His question keeps me on the edge.

I smile like an idiot when I think back to when I saw her for the first time in five years. Thinking about her does that to me.

“No,” I say as I push the door open, hitting both my mom and Ellie who were pressed up against the door listening to the conversation, as predicted. I shake my head at the two of them for being so nosy and then turn to face my dad once again. “She didn’t have that look.” I walk out to the kitchen and dump the plate into the trash. “I’m sorry.” I kiss my mom’s cheek, apologizing to her for smashing her plate after washing my hands. “I’ll buy you a new set,” I promise and she swats her hand in the air.

“Don’t worry about it, sweetie.” She laughs it off, but I know it’ll bother her that she doesn’t have the complete set. She has always liked her kitchen utensils and dishes.

She wraps both arms around me and hugs me like she did earlier on. “You also need to stop eavesdropping on conversations,” I say pointedly and watch her smile back at me. I tilt to the side to catch my sister trying to sneak away. “And you don’t need to be picking up on her bad habits either.” I nudge my head towards our mom, who chuckles in response.

“Don’t listen to him, honey, you be nosy if you want to be nosy.” She rushes to Ellie and pinches her cheek.

I shake my head behind our mom and mouth, “Don’t do it.” My dad finally comes into the kitchen, and the room turns quiet; you could almost hear a pin drop. It was a little awkward but a lot less awkward than it was before I came home.

“Hey, listen, I’m going to go to bed. I’m beat, okay?” I squeeze my mom’s shoulder as I pass by her so I can go and retire early and get some peace and quiet in my old room. It may be redone, but it still has the same vibe as before.

“Alright, good night, sweetie.” My mom blows me a kiss and I wink at my sister. When I get to my father, we look at one another once more. My mom and sister hold their breaths in suspense.

We nod and I ascend.

***

I’ve kept myself busy for the past while, avoiding everything that I could think of that has to do with friends, family, and Nick.

I have kept to myself. I needed the time alone so I could think things over. I need to know what my body and heart are telling me.

But I know that there is one thing that is clear in my mind, the one thing that I’ve been avoiding the past few weeks. I’ve been working myself to the bone in order to keep myself preoccupied, but it hasn’t helped.

No matter how hard I try to distract myself, I keep going back to it.

So here I am, driving my way to his house. Green light after green light, I feel like the universe is backing me as I make my way down the streets of Los Angeles. It wants me to do this, to see him.

There is nobody around, not even a single car in sight. This is all where young professionals live. It’s not a family oriented estate, but I never expected him to live in one. He doesn’t like kids, and I know it is a struggle for him. It took us the entire relationship for him to warm up to Taylor and for her to warm up to him. In the back of my mind, an alarm is going off when they still wouldn’t make the effort to get to know one another even after all this time. Basically, it was very strange to me.

The Chargers are on an away game, so everyone has left for Arizona to watch them play against the Cardinals. I decided to stay here. Even though I wanted to go, I couldn’t leave without doing something that has been weighing heavily on my heart.

Once I arrive to the familiar terracotta house surrounded by well-kept bushes and a tall palm tree shared with the next door neighbor. I park up in the next available spot that’s a few yards down his home and step out of my car. When I close the door and stand there, I stare at the dusty old car that has given me both good and bad memories. An old but steady car that will never compare to my OG baby, Roxy. It has broken down more times than I care to count, but it has always come back to life when I needed it. It has pulled through for me even through the toughest times.

I give her a light tap of thanks before I lock her up and continue to the reason why I’ve come here today. As I follow the path towards the main door of the house, I begin to feel my heartbeat pick up. After one deep breath, I climb closer and closer until I’ve reached the white door with the steel numbers “27” written on the wall beside it. In between the door and the numbers is a bell. I push it to let him to know I’ve arrived.

I wait and wait for what feels like an eternity.

Just as I’m about the push the bell again, I see the door open.

With his shirt off and a toothbrush in hand, Ted greets me with a look of shock, eyes widening and both brows being raised. Slowly, he leans out of the door and checks both sides of me to see if anyone else with me.

“Hey,” he says hesitantly. “Is everything okay?” he asks. Seeing him with his shirt off should make me feel flustered and giggly, but it doesn’t; not anymore.

“Um, can we talk?” I wring my hands out of nervous habit whenever I talk to someone about a subject that I know they aren’t going to like.

His face pales as soon as I’ve said it. A hint, one that everyone knows when you’re in a relationship. Those three words can make even the strongest man scared.

“Uh, yeah. Sure.” He pushes his back against the door and allows me inside the place I’ve come to many times. I do have the key he gave me but it doesn’t feel right to use it now.

“Thanks.” I pass by him as I push deeper into the hallway. I make my way towards the living room and eye up the sofa where we spent many nights hanging out on. We used to have cooking competitions and taste our meals blindfolded then give each other a score out of ten.

It was a fun memory.

“Can I get you something?” he asks. It’s the first time I’ve felt like a stranger in his home. It feels more like a bachelor pad, dare I say.

“No, I’m okay. Thanks.” I wave his offer off. I want this to be quick and not painful for both parties.

“Just say it,” he unexpectedly says. “I know the reason why you’ve come today, so just fucking say it.” His temper begins to show. This is what I was afraid of the most. I wanted this to be amicable but he’s choosing a different tune to play right now.

“Ted—”

“No! If you won’t do it, then I will!” He points to me then to himself as he inches aggressively closer to me. I feel my body stiffen as I watch his muscles move along with his words.

“Ted, please. I just don’t want this to be a big thing. I know you’re probably hurting—”

“Hurting! Are you fucking kidding me? I’m ecstatic! I’m through with this stupid relationship. Actually, I have been ever since you started ignoring me. Do you know how petty that is, Carter? Fess up, you have been nothing but an anchor to me this entire time, and I need someone who will be there for me—”

“No! What you want is a prisoner. A trophy wife without a family. That’s what you want!” I take a deep breath, rising to his level. I felt ashamed that I did that. This is not how to handle things. This is not the way. He wants a big blow out to give him a reason to hate me, but I won’t rise to his immaturity. I won’t. “Look, I don’t want to do it like this, Ted.” I shake my head, begging him to not go down this route.

“It’s because of him, isn’t it?” He scowls at the thought of Nick. “You cheated on me with him, didn’t you?” he booms, causing me to step back and take a deep breath in. Shocked is an understatement of how I feel. I’m hurt that he would think so lowly of me.

“No, Ted, I didn’t cheat on you with him. I’m a little insulted that you think I would. I would never and have never cheated on anyone, and you know I wouldn’t, so don’t even go there,” I warn him with a pointed finger, acting like a mother scolding her child for having his hand in the cookie jar. “Don’t stand there and insult me like that.” I’m starting to get upset that he came to that conclusion.

“If not that, then why? Why the fuck are you doing this?” He shrugs, standing there in front of me.

“I just don’t think it’s going to work. It’s fizzled out—”

“Fizzled out?! You haven’t given this much of a shot since he’s moved here—”

“Hold on a minute, I have given it my all with or without him here. It has nothing to do with Nick, so stop bringing him up!” I yell at him, infuriated. You know you’re lying.

“So you’re telling me that our relationship has fizzled on its own?” He sends a wave of attitude over to me with folded arms.

“Yes. I wanted someone present with me as much as they can, but you’re not. You’re too focused on your work. I both admire that about you and resent it, but that’s not what I want. I wanted balance, but I know you can’t give me that, Ted. You forget half of the time that I’m even there—”

“That’s not true and you know it—”

“What about those dinners when you stood me up at the restaurants? You’ve done it numerous times. You prioritize your work over me and forget to even send me a message to let me know. And it didn’t just happen once.” I tilt my head to the side and feel my face drop in disappointment. “It’s not working, and you can see that too,” I point out. “You have noticed that we are not compatible enough for each other.” I shrug while he just stares blankly at me. I can see his eyes moving as he thinks it over.

He shakes his head and moves himself around in circles with his bare feet. “I had a ring for you,” he blurts out. What he said causes my jaw to drop open. My heart stops when he opens his mouth and says that. It was not what I was expecting.

“What?” I ask incredulously. I could feel a sense of panic rise up my chest thinking about it, thinking about a life with him. It’s not something that I want. I’ve known that but buried it in the back of my mind for a while.

“I held off on doing it for some time,” he confesses and I feel a little at ease. That is a special moment between two people, and I wouldn’t want that taken from him for a pity proposal.

I drop my vision to my feet and stare at them as I think.

“But it looks like I’ll be keeping it in my safe now—”

“Look, I know you—”

“No, you don’t know. You don’t know how I’ve felt about you, Carter. I was going to propose to you—”

“You were,” I state.

“What?” he asks in frustration, causing the crows feet in the corners of his tired eyes to be more prominent.

“You said ‘I was going to propose’ like you changed your mind—”

“Yeah, because you’re standing here trying to end it—”

“No, I’m not trying to end it. I am ending it.” I stop us from going around in circles and make it clear that this is over. I don’t want to be part of this relationship anymore.

I’m tapping out and hoping someone can help me up.

“No, I’m ending it,” he retorts through gritted teeth.

How childish, I think to myself.

“Fine. Either way, it’s over. I’m leaving.” I walk around him to leave but he takes hold of my upper arm. I sigh, staring forwards out of the the door way to get to the hallway.

“What did you mean by ‘you were’?” A final question that was pending for both of us. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he already knows it. He knows that he bought that ring on the spur of the moment, an impulse buy some might say. He knows that at some moment during our relationship, he chose to not do it. It wasn’t Nick, it was us.

“I think you know what I meant when I said that. I think you knew that we weren’t right for each other, but you’re too afraid to admit it,” I softly say, trying not to dig the knife in any further. I don’t want to hurt him or myself. That’s why I came here today; to get this over with because the silent treatment wasn’t fair. It’s not right to keep playing this unhappy relationship that we both already want out.

“Were you in love with me?” he asks, and I feel my heart shatter with the desperation that came from his voice. I couldn’t lie either. I am confronted with a question that he never asked before and most certainly never liked.

“Ted—”

“Please, I need to know.” The grip on my arm becomes harsher. He was a controlling person; always was. I thought it was because he hasn’t been in a relationship before, but now I see that it’s part of who he is.

“I’m sorry.” That’s all I say for him to know that I wasn’t. And with that final piece, I leave his home for the final time.

I’m on my own now. I’m out of the hardship that was my old relationship, and now, it’s time to rebuild.

I had given myself the time to cry alone and peacefully mourn the relationship I had with him. I felt better doing that. It gave me the strength to come over to his house and tell him to his face. Without that time, I wouldn’t have been able to do it tonight. I would have chickened out or cried then and there. What I did was the right thing to do. Even though I feel better, it’s still painful. That time we were together, I was invested in the relationship. Now, it’s gone.

I feel a sense of peace, knowing that I had the control over the breakup this time. Although the guy still chose his career over me, I was the one who broke it off instead of him. I had control over myself again and I felt so good, empowered.

For the first time in my life, I made the decision, even though I know he’ll tell his friends the opposite. I don’t care.

I’m Carter Steel again, and I will never lose sight of her.

I stare back at the house. He’s not in sight, giving me the green light to remove myself from him for good.

I slip into the driver’s seat of my car, biting my lip to hide my smile. Even though it hurts a little, nothing will ever compare to my last breakup.

I ignite the engine in a rush and strap my seatbelt around me, ready to head off into the sunset, toward my own home. I’ve decided to think about starting anew and redecorating the place. I’ll need to think it over and budget myself, because one thing can lead to another and I won’t be able to foot the bill.

I need to chill and keep this smile on my face. Being comfortable in my own skin is the one thing that I’ve struggled at. I need to be me and be okay with being me before I can be with anyone else.

As I look upwards and follow the signs towards my home, I arrive just in time to watch the sunset. As I push myself out of the car with a little bounce in my step, I stand tall and watch the color of the sky, mesmerizing me for a few moments.

The pink, purple, orange, and yellow sky hypnotizes me with the subtle changes in its hue as the sun disappears below the horizon for its bedtime. I lean back against the door of my car and cross my ankles and arms as I stand there, taking the view in.

I watch the sun hide away as the moon and stars come out to greet me. The darkness cloaks me, but I don’t feel frightened. I feel alive. I look straight up to see some stars twinkling and smiling back at me.

“Hi there,” I greet it.

***

Due to the summer nights still standing as it is, I have to head to Arizona in the morning for the next game with the team. Coach gave me the time off as he knew that I would be good to play once I check into the hotel tomorrow morning and get myself a quick training and warm up session.

The heat still lingers in the air even when night has fallen. I push the window out even further and rest myself on the sill, leaving one leg dangling out and the other planted firmly against the wall for support. I stare at the quiet neighborhood and watch the stillness take over my body.

The sound of crickets tell me I’m not alone out as I listen to the night. I sit there and begin to think over the conversation I just had with my dad. It got heated, but I’m hoping he finally understands that he never should have inserted himself between me and Carter.

But it’s in the past. I’ve got to live in the present, in the now. One day at a time, I reassure myself.

I stare up at the black sky with specks of light dotted across it. The moon aligns itself with the stars. The brightness of it contrasts heavily with the inky background of the night. I see a star above my head over to the right side as I hang further out the window. I hold on tight to the ledge so I won’t fall out. I watch it twinkle back and remember the time that Carter told me it’s not the star that’s twinkles, it’s due to the Earth’s turbulent atmosphere. Something that I could never forget.

After remembering the fun little fact she told me, I smile and chuckle a little. She was always a little nerd and never tried to hide it from anyone. She has a whole bank of knowledge in that mind of hers and I love her for it.

As I watch the star twinkle back at me, I smile back and say, “Good night, Carter.” I climb off the window sill and shut it behind me as I lock it. I draw the curtains close and slip off my clothes to get into my new bed, hoping the mattress is up to par. Knowing my mom, it most likely is.

I allow my body to sink into the mattress and, just like I expected, it’s perfect for a good night’s sleep. There is just only one thing that I’m missing.