Steeling Her: Chapter 45

“Boarding pass?” I’m asked to hand over the piece of paper that has been in my clutch since arriving here today. “ID?” he asks for the other object in my grasp. As he checks my identity and scans my pass, he allows me on the flight back to do some business.

Back to my hometown.

What Elaine said is true. I need to move on.

You can forgive a person for a mistake they made, albeit it was a big mistake, one I don’t think I could ever forget.

The ball has been in my court for the last five years, and it’s time that I picked up the racket and made a serve. It’s time I spoke with my dad.

I find my seat soon after stepping onto the pressured vessel. I rest myself down and organize myself for the flight ahead. I’ve been thinking a lot about this and I even spoke to Haley about it. She agreed that I should try and make an attempt to try a rectify this entire thing. As much as I hate to admit it, it has put a wedge in the family. All of us used to be so close to each other.

Now, I don’t even come back home. The only time I see my mom or Ellie is when they come to me.

But now it’s time.

I need to speak to him, one way or another.

To either forgive, or to compromise.

***

Ding dong.

The dreaded noise of the door chime lets me know that there is someone there to see me.

I put down the paintbrush that was in my grip and rise up from the chair. I’ve decided to take up a new hobby. I was never that good at it, but I do enjoy the calmness it provides to me. There was always something about painting that makes me calm. I think it’ss because I got to really focus on something else and not what is happening around me. It’s an escape.

I wipe any paint residue on my apron before reaching for the door before it calls out for me again. I don’t want to clean up a big mess that I know I’ve left behind me.

I swing open the door and see two big beef bodies standing in front of me. “What did you do?” I ask both of my brothers in a monotone voice. Every time they both show up together and unannounced, I immediately jump to the conclusion that they’ve both done something stupid and are looking for me to help them get out of it. It was always that way when we were younger. Austin was the prankster, Chris was the dumb one, and I was the reasonable one, and I was reasonable enough to not get involved in any of their antics growing up.

“Nothing,” they respond simultaneously, making me suspicious.

“Then what?” I squint, wondering why they’re here and what they’re up to. They hesitate and look at one another to see who is going to start the conversation they so clearly want to have. “Guys!” I snap them out of it and they revert their gaze back to me. I’m getting more and more impatient. I’ve noticed that about me these days, my patience is getting shorter minute by minute; I was never like that.

“Talk—we’d like to talk with you.” They surprise me with a serious tone. Chris stares at me with wide eyes while Austin takes pity on me.

“Did something happen?” I ask them.

“No, everything is fine. Everyone is cool,” Austin assures me, raising his hands up and pressing them on my head for additional comfort. He reaches for my apron and begins to remove it. “We want you to come with us. We just want to go for a walk on the beach and would like it if you joined?” It was more of a statement rather than a question. “Taylor is in the car waiting for you to come with us.” He pauses and points to Chris’s car. I would be able to see her inside if it weren’t for the blacked-out windows. “Come on, I leave for New York tonight. It’s the least you can do,” he says as he begins to drag me out of my safe haven, my comfort blanket. However, I know I should say my goodbyes to him. It will be another while before I get the chance to see him again.

I’m just in a funk today, like the past few days.

I love how close my family all are, but sometimes, I’d like my own space to allow me to think—to breathe.

I mentally groan at the thought of another talk people want to have. I can only imagine what it’ll be about. It’s nobody’s business but mine.

“Please,” Chris begs like he’s never done before. That makes me wonder what these two have to say to me. I know that I shut myself out, and maybe they’re worried about that? But I needed it. I needed clarity and time to think without opinions. I needed my space, that’s all I wanted. “For the sake of the sunset,” he whines dramatically, making me smile and roll my eyes.

“Fine,” I mumble and throw in the towel. I need to get out of this funk, maybe this might do the trick?

I follow my two older brothers and lock the door behind me as we make our way towards the car with my niece. As I near it, I can see the silhouette of her little face pressed up against the glass, making me chuckle. Just like her dad, I think to myself. I even look at Chris to see him grinning at his little girl through the window.

I walk around to the other side of the car and the door opens up to allow me inside. I get a sweet little hug from Taylor. I’m greeted with open arms as I slide across the seats to get close to her in her car seat.

“Hi, Aunt Carter!” she squeals and I giggle again once I have her in my arms.

“Hi, sweetheart!” I squeeze her and then buckle myself in.

“Everyone ready to go?” Chris asks and we all agree that it’s time to head off to watch the sunset.

The drive took about thirty minutes. I allowed Chris to take his daughter out of the car seat. Even though he was struggling, I left him to it. He has taken her out of the seat many times and yet he still struggles to get the knack of it.

“I swear, that car seat hates me,” he mutters as he hunches over to hold Taylor’s hand, a floral yellow and pink bucket is held in the other. The sight is heart warming; a big macho man who dotes over his daughter walking on the beach with family. It would send an icy heart to melt. “You want to go and collect some shells to bring home to Mommy?” he asks her. He couldn’t even finish the sentence because she races off to find some to collect after yanking the bucket out of her father’s grip.

“You know, she would make an awesome football player,” Austin jokes as he watches her sprint down to the shoreline where a few kids are building sandcastles. As the night is falling closer and closer, the day has gotten cooler than it had been earlier. Some kids were wrapped in towels to keep them warm with their parent’s arms wrapped around them or rubbing them for heat. Some have even fallen asleep in their arms after the tiring day they’ve had at the beach. I’m sure the sun has taken much of their energy away from them as well as their fun.

“I’m telling you, I’m getting her to do all the sports I can possibly get her to do. She has form!” Chris points to his child, not giving up until she gets to the finish line. I shake my head as I listen to my two idiot brothers. “I mean, look at those little legs go.” He chuckles along with me. “Right, Cooks?” He peers down at me with playfulness dancing in his eyes.

“She takes after your little legs,” I tease him with a shoulder nudge.

He feigns being hurt by putting his hand over his heart and acting like he’s just been shot. “Ohhh, that hurt!” He couldn’t keep a straight face for long as we continue walking along the beach and keeping an eye on Taylor, who avidly collects her shells and ignores anyone who gets in her way.

It was silent, something that I’ve become used to, something that I’ve enjoyed for the past while. I didn’t expect myself to miss it.

We stop and stare at the sun that is slowly, but surely, about to dip behind the horizon and disappear until the morning. We sit in the sand and watch it all for the moment, taking in the natural scenery like when we used to watch the stars. This moment is our moment. We always shared these type of moments with one another; we always made time for this no matter where we were in the world. Seeing as we’re so close to one another and Austin is leaving tonight, I couldn’t think of a better moment to have with them both.

It was something that I knew that they knew that I needed.

As we sit and watch the sun move to another place—another home. I’m still trying to find out where my heart’s home is.

Is it with Ted? Or is it with Nick?

In short, should I follow my head or should I follow my heart?

I was driven out of my thoughts by a loud scream. I notice that night had already fallen and Taylor got scared because she couldn’t find us, so she cried.

“I got her!” Chris pushes himself up from the sand and rushes over dotingly to his daughter who panicked for a moment. When she hears her dad’s voice, she calms down a little and rushes to him while wiping her cheeks.

The sound of the water lapping at the shoreline sends shivers down my spine. I turn my attention back to the stars greeting us through the dark cloak that is wrapped around this part of the world. It’s amazing how quickly the world loses light for some time as another source light appears when you think you’re in darkness.

I could feel the wetness sting my eyes as I stare at the stars that were twinkling above me.

“Did you know that every star we see is bigger and brighter than the sun?” I begin to have flashbacks of a moment I could never forget. “And when a star ‘twinkles’ it’s actually not due to the star at all, it’s due to the Earth’s turbulent atmosphere.” I remember that night like it was just yesterday, I could never forget that moment. It was our moment. A perfect moment that we shared together on the roof of that house back in college.

“I didn’t know that . . . that’s kinda cool.” I still, to this day, am not sure if he even cared about what I said. He was still nice enough to stay with me and keep me company. “Why do you know a lot about space?” He smiles that perfect smile I rarely see these days. Now, he looks stone cold with that pout he wears constantly.

“I always liked learning about space. I have a telescope at home; depending on the night, I look out of it at midnight just to look at the galaxy. It’s so beautiful.” I packed up that telescope away after I returned home from college. It reminded me too much of that moment. It was childish of me to remove everything that reminded me of him, but since doing that, I was able to cope.

And when he kissed me, I felt my entire body give into him and the perfect shape of his lips.

“Carter?” Austin’s nudges me out of my thoughts.

“Sorry.” I bow my head ashamed and wipe my eyes.

“It’s okay to feel upset. I can come back any time I want to.” I could hear the teasing tone in his voice, so I look up at my older brother to see the glint in his eyes as I clear my own head. He sighs and wraps an arm around me, pulling me closer to his chest as we both stare out at the sea and watch the ripples of the waves, the white line of the foam teasing us as they come closer and then disappear. “You’ll be alright.” He kisses my head tenderly like he always did while I was growing up. I never really fought with Austin back then. I used to with Chris more times than I did with my older brother. He was my protector, like my dad, so he was always there for me. Chris was, too, but Austin always looked out for me in a different way from Chris.

I used to fight with Chris more than anyone. He would say the stupidest things to me and I would to flip out. Now that we’ve grown up, I’ve become accustomed to his stupidity; he’s still my brother.

“You always were alright, even when it got hard for you, Carter. You are a lot stronger than you think you are. I’ve watched you grow into a strong and beautiful woman,” he says to me, and it makes me smile.

“Thank you,” I whisper back to him and hug him closer.

“You know I’m just a phone call away, right?” I nod back, knowing he’s always going to be there for me. He’s family.

“I know you are, but you call me most of the time. You need to find yourself a girlfriend, and soon. Mom is getting worried,” I joke and he pulls back to nudge me with his shoulder.

“Who knows? Maybe I already have one?” He stares out at the ocean. I pull back away from him to look at my brother, clearly in shock.

“Wait, what?” I laugh in disbelief. “You have a girl?” I ask in shock. He rarely talks about girls with us, so the fact that he has tells me he really likes this girl.

“Not exactly . . .” He shakes his head from side to side.

“What do you mean ‘not exactly’? You either do or you don’t, Austin, which is it?” I ask him to expound on his cryptic words. All he does is laugh a type of laugh that I’ve never heard before, and it makes me smile. “What was that? Hold on! What was that noise that just left your mouth?” I try not to laugh at the sound that just left his own mouth.

“What noise? That’s just how I laugh,” he denies that his laugh is any different, but I know my brother. That was a different laugh.

“No, that is not the noise you make when you laugh. You sounded like Taylor for a moment,” I joke.

“Pfttt, I did not sound like Taylor!” He laughs that different laugh again.

“There! That laugh, what was that?” I chuckle as he starts to make me feel better. I could always count on my family to make me feel better.

“Carter, that is how I normally—”

“No wa—Oh . . . my God!” My jaw drops open after my realization.

“What?” Austin stops for a moment, looking at me with fear.

“Are you in lov—”

“Hell no!” he yells.

I can’t help but laugh even more. “Oh my God, you are—”

“No, I’m not!” He launches himself at me to bury me in the sand as we laugh at one another while he tries to tickle me.

We hear Taylor squeal with laughter as I roar with my own and roll around in the sand to escape my brother’s hands that are driving the sound of joy from my body.

I’ll miss him, I’ll miss this.

“No! No!” Taylor rushes to back me up and tries to help me escape from Austin’s grip, but Austin has the same plan for her, going a little lighter on his niece. Her eyes shut tight as the smile grows on her face while she reaches out for me to help her.

Like the kid I am, I climb on top of my brother to rescue her as we gang up on my oldest brother, who is enjoying every second of this.

Out of breath, the girls win. We’re both released from his grip as he rests a hand on his chest as he gathers himself.

“So weak,” Chris playfully chides him, looking over the defeated body laying in the sand. Austin grips the sand and swishes his leg around to try and kick Chris, but Chris’s feet have always been as quick as a hiccup.

Taylor and Chris go back to playing by the shore so she can collect her seashells to bring back home. Austin readjusts himself so we’re back to sitting next to one another as we watch our family come together.

“I look forward to meeting her one day,” I whisper. Not to cause another tickle fight between us, but to honestly say this without actually saying it; I know she’s the one, whoever she is. I’ve never seen a smile like the way he’s smiling right now. I have also never heard him laugh like that.

He exhales with a smile on his face, picking up the nearest pebble and rubbing it between his fingers. He shakes his head as if my words are funny. Maybe they are, but either way, this girl, whoever she is, has made my brother happy.

“So what about you?” he asks, throwing the pebble down towards the shoreline.

“What about me?” I retort.

“Come on, don’t be like that.” He smirks over his shoulder. “I know you were lost in your own thoughts a few minutes ago for a reason. What’s on your mind?” he queries and waits for my answer.

“Nothing,” I say breathily, “and at the same time . . . everything.” I stare up at the stars once again; it relaxes me. Between the sight and the sounds of the waves, I can feel my body begin to relax from its tense state.

This was something that I never realized that I needed. I needed family, and no judgement.

Not a single question was asked about me, Ted, or Nick; it’s just the way I want it. A simple escape from my harsh reality.

My harsh decision.

***

I lift my bag over my shoulder and make my way to my rental car after signing on the dotted line to access it. With the tag keyring clanging in my pocket, I make my way to the lot where it was shown to me.

As I greet the young man standing outside under a kiosk, I show him my tag and he calls out the numbers on the company radio to another guy in the parking lot.

I wait in the heat that I haven’t felt for the past few years. The only time I would be here is when I played for the team I was on at the time, and even at that, I still never returned home or made an effort to see my dad.

The old Mississippi heat.

The hot, wet, and humid trap that claws at your lungs if you haven’t adjusted, and I’m feeling every bit of it. The dense air sits heavily in my lungs.

I take off my hat and wipe my head with the top of shirt to get rid of the perspiration. As I do that, I see a sleek white Audi A7 roll up to where I’m standing. A wide smile greets my face upon seeing the beauty on four wheels. I walk myself over to the guy driving it to hand him the tag and for him to attach the keys to it so he knows it’s a match.

“There you are, sir, I assume you know how to drive it?” he asks, shutting the car door and crouching down to peer through the open window.

“Oh, yes.” I’m still grinning like a kid in a candy store as I check out all the gadgets and the goods that come with this amazing car.

“Enjoy.” He taps the door for added approval. I drive into the direct heat. With the sun shining on my face, I leave the airport behind me and make the long journey down to the house that I haven’t visited in a while.

A couple of hours later, I find myself outside my childhood home. The garden has been kept neat and tidy. The flowers are in bloom, giving the place a little color.

I switch my gaze to the road in front and decide to reach for my bag in the passenger seat beside me. I kick open the door and drag myself out, still knowing that I only half want to do this; the other half keeps repeating Elaine’s words “Forgive, forget and fix” over and over again to push me towards the navy-blue door. A clean white house, just how my mother always wanted. She finally got my dad to come around to it. It looks like it’s been freshly painted too.

I trudge up the pathway to get closer and closer to the door. Once on the porch, I press the doorbell and let it chime.

I feel like a stranger, even though I’m at my own childhood home.

I wait. I can hear footsteps coming closer. When the door opens, I see my mother. Her mouth drops and so does the bowl tucked under her arm so she could manage to open the door. Both hands come up to her face and cover her mouth in shock.

A soft smile plays on my lips as I wait for her to say something—anything.

I get a scream from her and then she wraps both arms around me. “Oh, Nicholas! My boy! My boy!” she screams in my ear, practically making me deaf.

I close my eyes and take her in. “Hi, Mom,” I whisper. Once I open my eyes up and look into the house, I hear another set of footsteps.

Over my mom’s shoulder, I see Ellie rush out to see what is going on. A beaming smile greets her face as I feel a wave of guilt wash over me. She’s so grown up, and I was too selfish to return to watch her grow into a young girl.

I replicate her smile and open my arms for her to join in. She races towards me and wraps both her arms around me as well.

I hold both of them since I miss them so much. All because of my own decisions.

“Hey, Ellie.” I smile down at my youngest sister and watch her beam back up at me.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening. It’s you—it’s really you!” My mom pulls back and looks at me dead in the eyes. Taking my face in both of her hands, she stares at me like I’m not real, like it’s all a dream for her. “This is just . . .” She pauses for a moment to take this moment in. I hear the final set of footsteps come closer, the ones that I’ve been dreading, and the reason why I took this trip down here to see them all.

My father.

He looks disheveled and worn. A salt and pepper beard matches his hair. Crows feet is etched deeply around his mouth and eyes. Some might say laughter lines, but he’s far from laughing.

We stare each other down for a moment in utter silence. It was brief, but it lasted longer than it should have.

It was awkward, to say the least, but it didn’t make me want to run.

“Come in, come in!” My mom picks up my bag and ushers me inside for some cool air. She sets it down near the sofa in the other room and I pat my little sister’s head; she’s still holding me close. “Oh, it’s so good to see you.” My mom gets excited again, making Ellie’s eyes roll heavenward at her dramatics, but I know my mom really missed me. I can see her eyes dance with joy every time she looks at me.

There’s pride in her eyes.

“It’s good to see you too, Mom.” I could see my dad leave to go back to what he was doing. I watch my mom’s attention be drawn to him once again and then back to me, pretending it didn’t happen. She smiles weakly at me and then comes closer to kiss my cheek. “You sit down, I’ll be right back. Would you like some water?” she asks as she begins to walk in the direction my dad left in. I nod simply as a reply. “Ellie?” she asks my sister and she copies my response.

I stand in the living room and wander around to see everything has stayed neatly in its place. All of the photos are still the same; the paintings, the objects, the sounds, and even the smells, it’s all the same.

Chocolate cake; my mom’s famous dessert, I think to myself as I inhale once more.

“I missed you,” Ellie delicately speaks up to me as she sets herself down on the sofa.

“I’ve missed you way more.” I smile and saunter over to crouch down to her level.

“Why didn’t you come back?” That was the question that I didn’t want to hear. Not from my younger sister, who doesn’t understand the full story—the full mistake.

“It’s a long and complicated story Ellie, I—”

“George!” I can hear my mom scold my father in a hushed tone, but I can hear it; so can Ellie. She smiles sheepishly to ignore it. It was time to face the music. I needed to stop their fight as I know it is about me. I need to speak to him.

“They always fight,” she says in a sorrowful tone as she turns herself to face where our mom left. Returning her attention to me, she continues, “He spends his time out in the garden all of the time. Either that or in the garage. He always spends time alone out there to get some peace. He barely sits in his chair anymore.” Ellie does her best to talk over them while they blatantly argue in the other room, thinking that we cannot hear them.

She points to the empty chair at the end of the long sofa. The dark-brown leather is cracked in many places, along with the armrests and headrest. The old recliner always looked like it’s on its last legs, but it never failed him even after all these years. My dad has had that chair since before I was born.

I reach across my sister to get my hand on the remote control. I switch the TV on and change the channel to something she might watch. I look back at her and see her smiling back at me but her eyes tell a different story. I hand her the remote and say, “Stay here okay?” I stand up to my full height and lean over to kiss the top of her head. “I’ll be right back,” I tell her.

“That’s what you told me five years ago.” Hearing her voice get sadder breaks my heart even more.

“I know, but I will keep my promise this time.” I offer her a weak smile and reassuring words, but I need to back it up with my actions too.

I make my way towards the hushed voices in the kitchen. As soon as I enter, they both look at me. My footsteps echoes once it becomes silent.

I smile softly at my mother and she beams with joy just like she did when I arrived.

Then I finally looked at my father once more. He was between the garden and the kitchen, just on the threshold of the inside of the house where the sliding door is at, one foot in and the other foot out.

Right in the eyes, I could see him clearly. He still has that darkness in his eyes. This is the third time I’ve ever seen this darkness before. One, when he invited himself to practice and gripped his hand around my neck. Two, when I punched him in this very kitchen for making me naively choose between the two things that I loved most. Three, right now, as I look at him like he’s ready to run away from me.

He always had bright eyes paired with a smile.

“I was thinking of sticking around for a few days, if that’s alright with you?” I begin.

“Oh, absolutely sweetheart, you’re welcome to stay as long as you want. I’ll set up your room for you. Come.” She beckons me to follow her out of the kitchen and up the stairs to where my old room is. She links her arm with mine and pulls me down the hallways I haven’t seen for many years. “I’ll be making your favorite tonight because of your wonderful surprise. I’m so happy you’re home, Nicholas!” She squeezes my bicep with one hand.

“It’s good to see you, too, Mom.” I kiss her head.

“I’ve changed your room a little, just in case you were to ever come back home for a little while; just minor changes. I got you a bigger bed and took down those god-awful posters you had up here. I just couldn’t look at them any longer.” She opens up my door and I see she had not made minor adjustments to my room, she had made major adjustments. It looks like a completely different room.

“Minor adjustments? Mom, you obliterated the entire thing. There’s nothing in here that I can recognize!” I laugh at her attempt—a poor attempt mind you—at hiding the fact that she has slashed my room and revamped it to suit her style. It’s a nice room, though, just not the same.

“You couldn’t tell the difference, sweetie.” She walks further into the room.

“Alright, name one thing that is still the same,” I quiz her while folding my arms.

She looks around the room for a short while and points at the bedside locker “I kept this the same as your old room, remember?” she points out. I couldn’t help but laugh at my own mother. I’ll give her props for trying.

“That’s it?” I question her.

“I couldn’t look at the mess, Nicholas. You moved out, but I always wanted you to come back home and have a nice place to sleep at night. You know, in case you brought someone home . . . or something . . .” She shrugs as she fixes the bed sheet so it’s laying flatter than it was originally. Sitting herself on the side of it, she pats the space next to her for me to join. The light blue duvet cover is silk-soft to touch.

“Well, it looks good, Mom. Thanks.” I sit beside her and take my new surrounding in.

I know that this was her comfort project. If she kept herself preoccupied, she wouldn’t remember that I haven’t been home since getting drafted. It’s was almost like her coping mechanism. I can see it every time she fixes something. She wants it perfect for me so I have a reason to come home. She wants everything in its place so that I feel comfortable.

“No problem, sweetheart. I loved doing it. If you need an interior designer for your new home in LA, just pick up the phone. Or just to talk, I’m always here for you.” I could see her two eyes brewing with tears. She waves her hand in front of me and scoffs at herself. “Gosh, I’m sorry. You must think I’m ridiculous.” She chuckles to hide how much she’s missed me being back and how much I’ve really hurt her by staying away from home.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Mom. I just couldn’t come back here. I’m sorry, I never wanted to make you upset. It’s not your fault, I miss you every single day—”

“I know, Nicholas, I know. I’m just glad you’re back now. I’m so glad to see you back home.” She squeezes both my cheeks as I see a single tear drop from her eye. I never wanted to make my mother cry, not in a million years. Whether it be happy or sad tears, I never wanted that.

I freak out when anyone cries, I don’t know what to do. So, I just hug her once again.

We stay in my room and catch up while she unpacks my clothes from my bag. She insisted on doing it; I think she only wanted to do it for more comfort. I’m ashamed that I have driven her to this.

Hours later, I find myself sitting in my old place at the dinner table. My dad has chosen to eat in the garden. I can see the pain and sorrow in my mother’s eyes as she checks on him every once in a while. He’s purposely excluding himself, and it’s not down to me. It looks like he’s done this on a daily basis. It’s not only hurting him, but it’s hurting my mom and sister.

It’s unfair for Ellie to see her father like this. Haley and I always had him sitting with us when we were growing up. He always made a huge deal out of sitting at the table while my mom always made a huge deal out of manners, whether it be in general or at the table. She’s ingrained it into us all. Looks like Ellie is no exception, but my father is showing bad table manners by not sitting with us while we eat as a family. He chooses to be alone.

“How’s school?” I ask my sister.

“Fine; boring, but fine.” She rests her head on her hand and pierces her food with her fork.

“She has a crush on a boy—” my mom interjects, causing Ellie to moan back to stop her from talking.

“MOM!” she yells, making me choke on my food.

“Wait, what? A guy?” I look to my mom for confirmation because I know my little sister is way too embarrassed about this. “Are you serious?” I ask my mom and she nods. I crane my neck to face my beetroot-red sister slouching on the chair in front of me, trying to get out of this situation “Is she serious?” I question her.

“No . . .” she peeps, but I can tell by her trying to hide that it’s true.

“You’re not allowed to like a guy! Or girl, how old are you? Like, ten?” I wave my hands hysterically, not happy about this.

“Yeah . . .” She shrinks even more.

“Go easy on her, Nick, it’s her first crush—”

“MOM, stop it! I don’t like him!” she whines to our mom in front of me.

“Okay, okay, okay! I’m sorry . . . She doesn’t like him.” My mom looks over the bridge of her glasses, exaggerating the lie. Ellie huffs in her seat.

“Stop looking at him like that, Mom!” She points at me, getting even more annoyed, which only tells me one thing; she does like this mysterious guy.

“You’re ten, you can’t like someone at ten. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even like girls when I was that—”

“Amanda Simmons,” my mom interjects, effectively shutting me up.

Touché, Mother, touché.

“Mom, not helping my point here.” I put down my knife and fork to turn around and face her giggling away to herself for getting a point.

“Double standards,” Ellie mutters under her breath, causing me to face her again.

“And what do you know about double standards? Huh?”I stick out my tongue and she starts to giggle across the table.

“Now who’s the ten-year-old?” She tilts her head to the side in a condescending manner.

“At least I don’t have a crush.” I copy her tone.

“At least I’m not in looove—”

“Ellie!” my mom scolds her about the sore topic, killing the vibe in one simple sentence. The complex topic of love and what happened to me once I found it.

“Sorry . . .” she apologizes timidly and sits herself up so she’s sitting straight. The room goes so silent, you could almost hear a pin drop.

“It’s alright.” I forgive her for the slip up.

I finish my dinner soon after that and we continue the light conversation at the table. But when the time for dessert came, my mom reminds me of the one rule about it.

Nobody fights over dessert.

We took it in two ways; we don’t fight about dessert and we don’t fight while having dessert.

As she cuts a slice for me after serving her and Ellie some first, I reach for another plate for her to cut another. As she does, thinking it was another one for me, I stand up and take both plates into my hand. “I’ll be right back,” I say to the both of them, letting them know that I needed some time alone with my father.

He’s been hiding from me since I got here, and I think it’s about time that we finally spoke about the elephant in the room. I look out towards the garden to see if I can find any movement in the dusk of the night, but I don’t see or hear anything.

“Try the garage,” my mom suggests. I saunter towards the door to the garage where I can hear the clanging of the tools he’s using to fix up an old car that he’s been working on for years. Five years, he’s been working on this for five years.

As I kick open the garage door, he doesn’t even look up. He continues to work on the old red Chevy he bought in a junkyard sale. The potent smell of oil and grease coats my nose but I adjust to it quickly. “I said I’ll be in later for dessert, Lynn,” he says in a grouchy tone, thinking it’s my mom.

I set the two plates down, making sure the forks don’t slip off the side, onto the nearest space available on his workbench. A harsh sigh leaves his mouth as he removes himself from the hunched over position he was once in underneath the bonnet of the car, continuing to work. He waits for a reply, and I give him one.

“I think you and I should have a little talk,” I speak, making him stop in his tracks.