38. How to heal the broken hearts

Sometimes, at the edges of the nights, I sit with the darkness and wonder about all these hopeful beginnings and heartless endings. I think about you. How we could have been everything and yet became nothing.- Alexandra.

~~~

38. How to heal the broken hearts

(Logan)

Logan closed his eyes as Barbara's words echoed in his head. It kept ringing and ringing until it was the only thing he could hear.

You won't regret... Tell me you won't regret... another man... Kids... His kids... Her kids..

Logan could imagine Alex sitting in front of him, her summer lake eyes cool and aloof --and strange-- as she looked at him and told him thank you for leaving her.

"Thank you... Did me a favor... He is my home..."

God.

His heart clenched at the thought of that, thought of her ever looking at him like that. He couldn't understand why it felt like someone was ripping his heart away. It wasn't even real.

It could only mean one thing.

I will regret it. Years later, I am sure I will regret this. Regret letting her go. But...

"Just promise me you won't regret that, Logan and I won't pester you again." Barbara said again and he looked down at his fingers as his heart thumped closer to his ears.

How could he tell her that when he knew he would?

The images running wild through his head, of Alex with another man, it was a torture. It was something he couldn't bear, even if it's only unreal.

For now. But years later.... She won't be waiting around for you. Around for someone who used her and then rejected her over and over again.

God... No.

He hated the phantom man standing next to Alex --he almost looked like Leo, a older version of him-- his arms around her and the two little blonde girls jumping next to her-- who looked exactly like her and they were supposed to have black hair, not blonde, they were supposed to be-

What? Supposed to be yours?

Yes. Mine. Mine.

"Why don't you finish your wine and go away. The man looks like he is waiting. And he didn't look like that director." Logan said. Even after years, Logan knew the man Barbara had walked away with, and this wasn't that man.

"I am not that easy to divert, but still... He is not that director. I left him when I -"

"Met this one? Is he richer than the director or something? Did he promise you a lead role in French films?" Logan asked with a sarcastic smile.

She winced as she looked at his face. "No. This man is very poor, but when I met him, I knew, I finally knew what love would feel like with the right man. How ambitions and all those other things are secondary when you find the love of your life. How it can open your eyes when you had been blind for so long, how you can become the best version of yourself. I wasn't a nice woman, Logan."

"I know. You don't have to tell me that." He said with a vicious smile.

She nodded solemnly.

"I had never been a nice one. I loved you, of course, you were my baby boy, but my ambitions were bigger. After I left, I secured secondary roles in six or seven movies and it is almost going okay for me, nothing large and vibrant like I have wanted, but okay and I could almost feel the victory coming. Feel the taste of the fame. That director, he promised me a lead role after two years and and then one day, I met Warner. He was working as an extra in the film set and we got to talk and I fell in love. The director, Salvio, he threatened that I wouldn't get the lead role if I left him, but strangely enough, it didn't deter me and that was when I knew-- knew how it felt to be truly in love. It is liberating and it almost makes you breathe right. Don't you want that, Logan?" She looked at him with warmth in her eyes.

"I do want that." Logan was shocked when the words came out. His eyes widened in shock and she smiled reassuringly.

"Then why are you destroying your choice to have that?" She looked inquisitive and then she nodded. "Because you are afraid to hurt her. More so than you did hurt her now."

He didn't know how she knew that, but it was almost a solace to know that she knew that. Nobody had understood that before. Barbara might not be his favorite person, but knowing that she understood it, it was almost comforting. A relief.

"I have always told myself that I can not love, not just because I am afraid to be hurt, but also because-"

"You believed you are like me. Too selfish to love properly, too selfish not to hurt even the ones you love. Like me. Like how I hurt you, because you knew I loved you more than I loved anything. And I hurt you, so... "

"I suppose." He shrugged. "Yes. I am afraid that I would hurt her, that I would grow tired of her once this--whatever this is--fade off. I don't want to make her go through the pain of losing me after years, I am afraid to love her and then stop."

"Then don't leave her. Don't stop. It is as easy as that, Logan. You and Alex are not me and David. If you think that you are like me, I can assure you you are not. But if you still think you are, then I will tell you one good thing about me. I can love. I can love, too.

"You can see how I am with the man who is made just for me and you will know that you will be that way with Alex, no matter what. I might be selfish enough to hurt you all, but I have never hurt Warner. I could have stayed with the director, I could have made it to the lead role and become famous. And then I could have left him. But I didn't do any of that because I knew it would hurt Warner. So... I can love, too. I might not love like Beth, abundantly, selflessly. I can't love just anyone, not just like that, but I am not incapable of loving. I am not as cold and frozen as you believe. So, you are not, as well." Barbara shrugged.

"So, if I am like that, does it mean I will only love Alex. What if she wants a kid? I don't think I will be a good father to that kid and it will be so wrong to put a kid through that."

"Because I am not a good mother? You and I, we are not alike, Logan. I don't know why you keep thinking like that."

"Because Eliza told me... She told me that I am incapable of love, that I am just like you. And I don't blame her, I don't even question her, because I have always felt just like that. Too hungry for success. Too ambitious and-" Logan shrugged, almost carelessly, but he cared. He cared that Eliza thought of him like that.

"It is not wrong to hunger. To thirst for things you deserve. Without ambitions, life is just a boring cacophony. You want symphony, you have to work for it. But you wouldn't hurt them for those ambitions like I did, Logan. You love your sisters, even after all these years and I suppose you love their kids-"

"Of course. They are my world."

"See, then how can you be a bad father?"

"I can be a good uncle, but good father? I don't think I am capable of that or-"

"You should blame Eliza. You didn't because you have made yourself think that you are like me, after you shielded your heart against love. And Eliza was mad and you know how Eliza and you can be, when you become angry. You both say things you didn't mean."

"I don't think-"

"Stop thinking and just feel, Logan. Because it is all there. You know it is. You just have to admit it. You hate to just imagine her with another man. You can't put her through hurt and heartbreak --even though you are doing just that by denying her of your love, and your twisty logic. So just think why that is!"

"I don't know what-"

"Just close you eyes. Just imagine a life without her. Now how does your world feel? Empty? Cold? Or bearable?"

"I can't even imagine a world, my world, without her. She is like a permanent fixture or something."

"Now imagine that she is far, far away and she is married to someone else and you are not her friend or lover anymore. How does it make you feel?"

"Angry. Empty. Sad. Hurt." He whispered.

"Betrayed. Bothered." Barbara finished. "So why do you feel all this if she is just your friend, if she is just another woman you have met? If you are just attracted to her? Think about that, Logan. You would be hurt when she become someone else's, not just jealous. Jealous can mean many thing. But hurt will mean only one thing. So why would you get hurt? Why did you?"

"Because I do love her, don't I? In my own stupid, broken, crazy way, I do love her." He said in amazement as a tear rolled down his cheeks. He rubbed the tear away with a sad smile.

What if it is too late now?

"You do love her. In your own stupid, broken, crazy way. And she has loved you in all your stupid and broken glory. You two are destined, Logan. So don't waste it. Because not everyone finds their soulmate in this life. Not everyone is as lucky as you and I. Some are saddled with mediocre love and that is only what they will ever have and feel. But you, you are blessed and you would be a fool to waste it."

"But I have hurt her so bad, so bad that now everyone tells me she is better off without me. Even my best friend." Logan shook his head, feeling dejected.

"I suppose it was because he wanted you to understand yourself and then when you couldn't, he might have wanted to protect her."

"I don't know. I have hurt her a lot and I am sure she is ready to move on. She told me she loved me, over and over again and I was adamant about not loving her, even when I loved her. How stupid is that? I have never thought I could be this stupid. I messed up. And she will never forgive me."

"Love isn't always easy for everyone, Logan, some makes blunders, some doesn't and some needs to cross oceans and mountains, and others will slide across it with ease. But in the end, it is the love that matters."

"You are right. For once in your life, you are right." He nodded

"For once in my life, I am right when it comes to you." She said with wistful smile. "For once in my life, I could do the right thing for you." She looked sad.

He didn't know what to say to her. Of course, he was thankful that she did what she did, but still, he didn't know if he could forgive her for the past or put it all behind him.

"Thanks." He stood up. "I need to call Alex."

"She would rather prefer seeing you face to face, don't you think?"

"Okay. Yes. Yes. You are right. Bye, Barbara. Thanks, again."

"I was the reason for this problem and I am happy I can make it right for you." She said before she hesitated.

"What?"

"Can I- can I call you somstimes?" Her eyes, those eyes that looked with determined steal was now wounded and fragile as she looked at him. His heart gave a slight twitch.

"I don't know, but you can give me your number. We will see."

"It is not exactly a no."

"It is not yes, either."

"I can live with a maybe. Now go get your girl."

"I will." He smiled as he walked to his car, a whistle in his lips.

***

(Alexandra)

Alex stared at her hand the second time and it was still there. It was like a ticking time bomb and she feared it would explode in her life, leaving a bigger mess. A mess she couldn't clean up.

She felt bad thinking like that, but she couldn't believe how this could happen to her. Did God hate her so much?

Shit, shit, a boat load of shit. She cursed at herself as she looked in the mirror with cursory eyes.

I don't look-

Alex jumped up in alarm when the bell to her room rang. She wrung her hands together as she stared at it again and then shook her head.

She splashed water against her flushed cheeks before she walked out and opened the door without even waiting to see who it was.

"Darling."

Alex almost fell down in surprise when Stella hurled herself .

"You are here. Why are you here? How are you here, Stells?"

"Because I can stay away when you are happy, but I can not, not when you were hurting. Not again. I wasn't there when you lost your dad and everything else. I could never forgive myself if I am not here for you, again. What kind of friend would I be, then?"

"I didn't tell you about dad, so... And you will always be the best kind of friend."

"Why didn't you call me, Alex? I am still so angry you didn't tell me, but that is for another day."

"God. God. I needed you." Alex said as she stared at Stella's beautiful face. Her light blue eyes were like a deep pool of kindness and warmth. "I missed you." Alex said as she wiped her eyes.

"I did too. I am almost ready to murder Adam and escape in the next flight." Stella winked as she walked in, dragging a large suitcase in with her.

"Where is he?"

"He is not here. He has a conference in Beijing and then one in New Delhi about starting a new authentic Texan hotel. So..." Stella shrugged as she slumped down the couch.

"You telling the truth, right? You didn't kill him, right?"

"I don't know. I am not sure." She smirked. "The details are hazy, dear friend."

"So tell me, what is this hocus pocus about Logan and divorce and whatever? The first time I talked with you two, you were so in love. I hope you are not rushing into this divorce or anything."

"You don't know the half of it." Alex muttered. She didn't have to keep the contract a secret now that he had disclosed it and they had dissolved it.

"I was just fired and he was just dumped. We kinda needed each other. So... I agreed to a contract marriage."

"What the hell is that?" Stella looked bewildered.

Alex explained everything to her, from the day they met, about his ex girlfriend, about how she helped him to maintain his reputation and how he helped her.

"A marriage for a term of one year, and then parting ways. And he would pay me... It was all supposed to be easy. Simple. Straightforward." Alex finished with a sigh.

Except I messed it up by falling in love.

"So, let me get this clear. You are telling me the marriage is a scam? That everything is a damn scam?" Stella wrinkled her brows as she stared at Alex. "And you agreed to all his stupid plans. What were you thinking?"

"I did and I probably wasn't thinking much. I was alone and afraid-"

"You should have called me then, you idiot."

"I know, but I lost my phone and couldn't contact you, but even if I had, I am not sure I would have wanted to interfere with your happy honeymoon days."

"God, it is mostly work for Adam. Even if it is all so glorious, I would have come for you, Alex. You know that." Stella sounded angry and frustrated. "How could you not call me? I am your best friend. I am supposed to help you."

"You are still my best friend, and I am sorry. Don't be angry, okay."

"You didn't even tell me after the marriage." Stella grumbled.

"I couldn't. One of the finer point of the contract is the NDA." Alex shook her head. God. Logan was one strange man.

"Wow. That guy is something else."

"He is." Alex chuckled and Stella wrinkled her nose.

"And then you went and fell in love with him." Stella pointed to Alex. "Your eyes shine with love and hurt, both, when you talk about him."

"Yes. I did. A big stupid mistake."

"If you fell in love with him, he might not be that bad." Stella said with a twist of her lips. That was her thoughtful pose. Alex missed it so much that she couldn't look away from her best friend.

"He is not bad." Alex agreed.

"He might even be amazingly extraordinary." Stella said with an inquisitive stare that made her eyes all squinty.

"He is."

"So why do you want to divorce him? Why not stay?"

"Because he did not fall in love with me. My love, it is all one sided and pathetic."

"Oh, God, this is soo unacceptable. He didn't fall in love with you? How the hell did he accomplish that? Maybe there is something wrong with him?"

Alex knew Stella was 100% serious when she said that and that made Alex glow in happiness. Maybe happiness would not be so hard to attain now that Stella was back.

She always had that extraordinary magic to make Alex feel happy when she was down. It was her magic. A best friend magic.

"I know I am your best friend, and you love me, but not every one is supposed to fall in love with me, Stella."

"No, it just can't be. He wouldn't love you back only if there is something wrong with him." Stella said, looking unconvinced. "Remember all those guys in our college days. They were all so besotted with you, but you never gave them any chance, because as I have once told you, you have some pretty high standards. Impossible ones, even. Any ordinary guy just won't do for you. Now that you have found an extraordinary guy, for you, there is just one teeny-tiny hitch." She paused with a dramatic look on her face. "Alas! He also has a teeny-tiny brain problem. Wait, he didn't have teeny-tiny weeny problem, as well, right?"

For the life of her, Alex couldn't still understand how Stella's mind could be so random at times.

Alex chuckled as she shook her head. "Just the opposite." She said and Stella whooped and then she scowled.

"Maybe I should call him and yell at him again."

"Again? When did you-"

"Weeks ago, he called me to ask if I know where you would be." Stella waved her hands with a frown. "All of that and I can't believe he isn't in love with you."

"He called you too?"

"Who else did he call?" Stella asked with a scowl.

"Leo." Alex smirked, knowing that Stella would go ballistic when she realized who this Leo was.

"Leo?" Stella narrowed her eyes in question.

"Leo Shine? I worked on Mathilda Shine's house and Leo and I, we became kinda friends." Alex waved a hand.

Stella's eyes widened as her mouth hung open. She gaped and gaped before she could finally compose herself and talk. "Why is this the first time I am hearing about all this? Where have I been living? You- you didn't tell that to me?!"

"In the cold depth of Switzerland."

"You couldn't have inserted it into many conversations we have had?" She looked indignant and Alex smiled.

"Oh, but when we talked, I have so many things to ask about you and the beautiful places you have been to, so..."

"Yeah, stupid inconsequential things. I would have rather talked about this pretend marriage, about Leo freaking hottie Shine. Your work."

"I know. I am sorry." Alex said with a placating smile.

"You should be. You really should be." Stella pointed her with a frown. "God, I shouldn't have agreed to Adam and his stupid six-months-that-then-became-a-year of boring business trip cum honeymoon. I have missed a lot. A LOT!" She sighed dramatically. "My best friend is a freaking stranger to me now."

"Oh, don't be so dramatic."

"Tell me everything."

"Leo kissed me." Alex said and Stella jumped up from the bed.

"Wait, he kissed you? I feel like I am in a nightmare and a dream. God. Alex, you are killing me with this. You loved Logan and you kissed Leo. You fox!"

"Idiot. He kissed me. I might not have pulled away, but I didn't kiss back."

"What did Logan have to say about that?"

"Logan was very angry. We both said some things and that was when I confessed my love to him, you know, I was very angry I let it slip and he said he is sorry. God. He looked pained and uncomfortable when I said I loved him." Alex shook her head with a sigh. It still stung. No matter how hard she tried to repress the feeling of pain and hurt, it always poke its ugly head right back whenever she even just thought of him.

I hate myself for doing this.

"I don't know what to say to that, babe." Stella said as she patted Alex hand. "Except that he is a real moron. And it is his loss."

"I am just happy you are here."

"Of course I am."

"Today we met with the lawyers, you know to talk about filing the divorce papers and all that shit." Alex muttered as Stella took Alex's hand in hers.

"You sure there is not even an itsy bitsy possiblity that Logan loves you back? Do you want to divorce him?"

"I don't want to divorce him, of course. But I have to, Stella. I have to, for myself and my--I have to try to move on, to put it all behind me. A part of me will always be broken and it will be with all these crooked scars to speak of the time I had to mend my heart, but I need to stay strong. Not just for me, but for my..." Alex stopped as she looked at the bathroom.

"For your?" Stella looked with confusion.

Alex stood up and walked out with the plastic kit in her hands.

Positive. It read.

"My baby. I am pregnant."

___

Me: what? You didn't use protection?

Stella: I gave you the name of the pills

Alex: My head is hurting.

Me: You telling Logan?

Alex: I really need to be alone, woman. Go away. You are the reason for all of this. I just want to punch you in your face. I am finally preparing myself to move on and the you come and give me a baby??? *🤬 bleep. Bleep. Bleep*

Me: *Closing my ears and 🏃💨*

Tada.

____

Hope you enjoyed Logan's realization that came way too later.

Now that Alex has a big news herself, will she believe that Logan's love is for real??? Share your views. 💬