Chapter 21

Race day...

Nationals is finally here.

The day all these days have been building up too has arrived.

And it's weird, the day you've been working towards for months finally being. The moment you have thought too long about—devoted too much time, all for this. So much time building up to a race that last mere minutes.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

I divert my eyes from the pool, the glistening water taunting me, making my stomach flip. Instead I try focusing on steady breathing and run my sweaty hands against my pants.

All these moments have been working up to this. This one big moment. And I hate that, because it puts pressure on the moment. Builds up this moment to a make it or break moment. Making all these before moments rely on this one outcome to see if it was worth it. If it was worth the hours. Worth the stress. Worth the early mornings. Worth the blood, sweat, tears.

Was it worth it?

It better fucking be worth it, I decide, refusing to believe any other outcome. Otherwise I've put myself through all this shit for what?

But when I really start to think about it, what makes it worth it? The win? The medal around the neck? Because if thats so, a lot of people are not going to be happy. Because there's only one gold at the end of the day.

One winner.

So what about all the others? The people we don't remember who walk away empty handed. Do they think it's worth it? Is the ride better then the reward?

But what about all those days, all those times, we kept on working, kept on pushing in hopes of obtaining that victory so few reach. Was that all empty promises?

I run a heavy hand through my hair, god, this feels fucked. Like entering are game with your emotions, and the odds are not in your favour. I put head in hands, my stomach in knots, chest feeling tight. I wish I was better at dealer with the pressure, I wish I was calmer, like Oliver.

Oliver looks calm, calm and dressed up in our universities gear along with the rest of the team. There's a a lot of teams here actually, each walking with their heads high feeling that pride. Confidence and intimidation radius from people, smiles no where to be seen. There's a palpable tension in the air. The before high roof indoor pool only adds to the air of nobility of the place and the people here.

I'm here feeling like I'm suffocating with the stress, while Oliver seems to be the only one smiling and relaxed. How is it that some people are so calm and collected when in stressful situations?

Can't relate.

God I just hate this feeling. My stomachs doing back flips and I'm not here for it. Want this to be over. Tired of the nerves.

Coach must see I'm not looking too great, and slaps my back telling me to get ready for my races. Tells the team to get their game faces on. Tells me to leave it all on the water and he'll be proud. That makes me stand taller.

***

First race, stretching muscles at the line up. I feel weak and strong all at the same time. Limbs a little jelly. Mind muddles but focused. Body jittery but calm. Can you be two things at once? Cause it think I am.

We are called to take stand on the diving board. Crouches down. I let the crowds noise deafen out. White noise. The entirety of my focus on the water before me. so focused on it, that nobody on the outside could distract me or disrupt my concentration.

The anticipation is torcher. This is the worst part I think, the build up of that unanswered question. The unknown so desperately wanted to be known. I try not to over think it and just focus on the first move. The first step, and all the rest just kind of comes naturally. I've done the training, thought the process over and over in my head. Analysed the technique, debated the game plans, gone over strategy. Now is the time for blank.

To let my brain be blank and let my body ignite and do the work. To not over think and just do. To trust the work I've done.

Racing came easy, it was the before and after that was the hard part. And while time slowly crept by, it still moved, and my first race got closer and closer until it was time. I shut my brain off, and just do what I do.

And I did.

I didn't come last in my first race, far off actually, came 3rd. Came 2nd for my next. And wasn't too bad for my next 3 races after, even won a fee. I was actually getting better each time; like I was finding my pace, setting my stroke, growing my confidence by every second in the water. It was like I was finding a place I know so well and remembering that I know everything about it. Finding home.

Safe to say I was feeling good, was doing good. Swimming feels too mundane of a word, I was flying. Fucking flying through the water, and no body could stop me.

I blocked out the rest of my teams performance, and focused on mine. Coach still made everyone watch and support each others races, and for the first time probably ever, I felt a pinch of pride and a good feeling in my chest when they performed well. Usually it was a little unsettled, like I was threatened, or put pressure of my to perform just as well, but it feels different now. Like I know I'm good and comfortable where I am.

A part I don't think I will forget for a long time though, is when we were all standing watching and cheering as Oliver did his race, the semifinal round 1 qualifying race for the finals. He flew, boy is part fish I swear. Long tan limbs powering through the water like nobodies business. And while it was impressive and hypnotising to watch, it was after the race that I will remember. Because when there was all that noise and cheering, the second after his hand slammed into that wall securing that win, his head swung around.

Searching.

Scanning.

Found.

Eyes locked with mine, and grinning the most gorgeous fucking smile I have seen. And I smiled right back. A smile that said: life is good, and I'm so happy you're here for it. A smile that showed: this is my moment, but I want to share it with you.

And when it was me winning round two semi, he was flashing that dazzling smile right back at me. And man it felt good to have someone to share that smile with when things go good.

***

Once again I am racing Oliver Folwer in a final. Feels like fucking déjà. Right back to the beginning, like life has done a full swing around.

Except this feels different, and can't put a finger on why, but it is.

I glance across two lanes along and when Oliver catches my eye he winks. I roll my eyes suppressing my smile. While I'm swimming to win, always, he doesn't feel as much my competition anymore. Kind of feels like we are on the same team. Like I wouldn't be too bummed if he won.

My eyes skim past to the guy the lane over. Unfortunately Josh, the dick I punched last meet and nearly got kicked off the team because of, is also in the final. But I ignore him and focus on myself. On this race. He's not worth it.

The swimmers stretching and sorting their goggles and caps while the guys on the speaker are talking about each individual swimmer in the race. I block it out and step beside the diving board.

I'm in lane 1. The lane closest to the stands, but also the window. The late afternoon sunlight shines through casting a light below the stand that reaches out across to my diving block and skewed along the water of my lane. The sunlight only extending to my lane, while the left are rest in a shade.

The sunlight makes water glow a gold. Looks like I'll be swimming on sunshine.

Staring at the water before me, I think of Henry. I think of my Mum, of my Father and lack of presence he has had. I think of all the people who are in my life, who were supposed to be, and who were supposed stay longer. And then I think about the people that came unexpectedly, Andy, Coach, Oliver. And maybe, all of that is what brought me to stand here today. All the bad decisions, right ones, lack of presence and potent ones. But with way, I made it here.

We are called to stand on the diving board. The sun rays hit my skin, warming me inside out. I stand tall, chin raised, I feel on top of the fucking world.

A feeling of overcoming and soaring in my chest. I've come so far to get here. And I'm proud that I got here, despite of all the shit I've dealt with, I still stand here on this board ready to race against the best swimmers in the country. I feel a sense of triumphant, like breaking the surface of water after holding breath for so long. And god fresh air tastes nice.

Usually I'm sick with nerves before races, but there's an eery calmness to me. I scarily calm, the best I ever have, just an eagerness to get in the water.

It's doesn't even feel about winning anymore, its about showing everyone what I can do. What I'm best at. Watch me. Watch me swim without the weight I've been carrying on my shoulders for too long. See how fast I can go with nothing holding me back, nothing slowing me down.

The gun goes off, I dive into the water... nothing weighing me down.

[THE END]

(Well there's actually another part for if u wanted a more detailed end)

Author Note:

I know, I know, I'm a horrible author because I don't tell you the ending, but let you imagine.. but I'm confident that your imagination is capable. There's a few nudges here, come on, I think we all know how it ends.. *wink.

Think I was just trying to make a point with my ending, that maybe it's not even about the outcome, even though we desperately want that win for Beau, but maybe it's about more then that. But we know..

It's been a rollercoaster writing this story, feel like Beau has come a long way. I think this is the first story I have written and actually finished, so that feels cool.

And my excuse for being horribly slow at updating this story I got the chance to compete for my country in the sport I do, so training full time while working full time. My body's always sore and I'm always tired these days. Trying really hard now to make more time to write. Also want to say a big thanks for all this support on this story, tbh wouldn't have finished it without your guys comments motivating me too. Appreciate you guys xx

Hope you enjoyed the story 💙