40. The Hardest Decision

NO FANFICTION, NO TRANSLATION IN ANY LANGUAGE, NO REPRODUCTION OF THE BOOK ANYWHERE ON THE INTERNET.

✸✸

I turned my head and looked at him. Ashar was sitting behind me, waiting for me to answer his query.

"You really don't know what love is?"

"I have a vague idea," He shrugged, "But I don't know how to find out if you're in love or not."

I paused for fractions of seconds and pondered on his statement. I sat up, putting the heating pad behind me. I played with my fingers, murmuring loud enough for him to hear me, "Love is insanity. It hurts you, traps you, breaks you, but, still the stubborn heart never wants to give up."

There was a counselor at my foster home who used to give sessions about the importance of good mental health. In one of our discussions I asked the same question from him. His description on love was so good that I had remembered it up till now.

I elaborated more, "You think of her when she's not near you. You even think of her when she's around you. You never get tired of talking or spending time with her."

"It seems like obsession." He commented.

"Obsession doesn't contain emotion, but, love does." I said, "When a person's mere smile makes your heart flutter, especially if it's because of you. You observe her more closely, like; how she walks, sit or sleep. You notice even the tiny details about her. Like, she bites her nails every time she's nervous or may be anything." I shrugged, couldn't think of other examples.

I continued, gazing at my belly, "You leave your favorite things somewhere behind because her favorite color is now your new favorite color. Her favorite food becomes your new favorite. Her happiness is now your happiness. You put aside all your likes and give importance to hers because it makes you happy."

"That's very deep." His comment made me look at him, "I don't think I've ever loved any woman in that way."

But I did. I loved a man that way; the same man who was sitting in front of me, completely clueless about I had felt for him. I was ready to mingle my entire self into him, but he didn't want my love.

Sound of fireworks reached to my ears. He checked the time from his wrist watch and I checked it from the wall-clock. The clock struck twelve. I understood, the celebration was for the New Year. The laughs and applause were loud enough that I was hearing them from my room.

"Take care of my baby, Ashar." I whispered, "Do not deprive him of his rights because of your own resentment for me. He's innocent in this entire matter. I don't want anything else from you."

His brows furrowed confusingly, "As if you're going to go easy on me if I didn't do my duties."

"I know you'll make me." He added in a very low voice.

I couldn't understand fully what he was trying to say, but it was enough for me that he didn't deny me. I guess it was his way of saying that he'll be a father to my child.

"You should go now." I mumbled, laid on the bed again and turned on my side, opposite to him. I was near to tears and I didn't want to cry in front of him, that was why I hid my face.

"Don't stress yourself. Sleep well." I felt he stood up from the chair, gazing at me.

I didn't move, didn't respond. A minute later, I heard the sound of door closing. I turned around and saw that I was now alone in this spacious room.

💙

Later at night, after a lot of thinking, I finally decided to transform my plan into action. Ashar loved Samara or not, it was not my concern anymore. I couldn't shout at him or show my anger to him because it was all over. I had closed the doors of my heart. It's better that I should just accept my fate, accept that loneliness was my fate, that I was still bearing the punishment for deceiving the family, especially Ashar.

I was scared of my own decision, but at the same time, I was eager to leave this house, go away from Ashar's presence and everything related to him. Due to my traumatic mental state, I couldn't differentiate between what was wrong and what was morally correct. Maybe, it was the effect of pregnancy or my own dilemmas.

I grabbed my phone and selected Ryan's number from my contact list. He pick up at the third ring, "Hey, Ryan. What's up?"

"Why are you calling me at this hour, Sanaya?" I could hear the music in the background.

"I remember that you don't usually sleep at the New Year's Eve."

He laughed, "I'm glad that you still know about my habits. I'm out with friends."

He was a type of person who liked partying a lot. He liked to celebrate every event whether it's his birthday, friend's birthday or Christmas. At New Year night, he probably would stay out all night.

"Sorry if my call disturbed your celebration."

"No, no problem at all. I miss you, though. You just spill, what's the matter?"

"Umm...Ryan, I need your help." I uttered lowly. A tear rolled down my cheek.

💙

"It's a girl." The nurse in the labor room enunciated.

I was barely awake, utterly worn out as all of my energy drained off from the body, but still I heard the nurse before closing my eyes. The newborn began weeping at the top of her voice. Before her, I was screaming due to the strong cramping in my abdomen and below.

I heard Katherine's happy laugh after the nurse's announcement. She was with me in the labor room and I was thankful to her because I was very scared with the entire baby birth process and my level of fear reached to its peak the moment I started feeling labor pain.

"Goodness, Sanaya. She looks so delicate." Katherine whispered in my ear.

My lips slowly stretched and formed a weak smile. I forced my heavy eye lids to move up. My eyes didn't fully open, but still I managed to see the baby who was covered in blood. The nurse took her outside and the labor room fell into complete silence.

An hour later, I was shifted to the private room of the hospital where Ashar's parents came and congratulated me. The room's layout was warm and comfortable. Weak rays of sunlight were flickering through a medium-sized window.

Katherine informed me that soon the DNA test result would be out. I didn't pay attention to it because since the beginning I knew it was going to be useless. The DNA was just a supporting evidence to the truth I had already disclosed in clear words. My mind was wandering somewhere else, that I had very little time left to spend with my own baby.

The elderly nurse brought the baby into the room and handed over to Katherine.

"Thank you." She carefully took the newborn in her arms. Matt walked to her and stroked the baby's cheek. The corners of his lips turned upward into a smile.

"She's so small." Matt expressed astonishingly.

His wife chortled, "Of course, she is."

I observed them, couldn't even move my hand. I was exhausted. Every single part of my body was now sore. Katherine brought the infant to me, "Hold your daughter."

I tried to sit up with the support of my arms. My back ached, but it was endurable. I extended my arms and took the delicate being from her. She was sleeping. An involuntarily smile curled up my lips. I caressed her soft cheek and observed her features. She had practically no eyebrows, now lashes. Her lips were too thin, almost like a single line. She was quivering her lips in slow motion after every few seconds.

Bringing my nose close to her, I sniffed her intoxicated scent. I swear I smelled the similar scent coming from me during last few weeks of my pregnancy. It was so delicious that I continued nuzzling my nose on her cheek and chest.

"She's cozy." I whispered loud enough for Katherine to hear me.

She chuckled, "And very soft."

I rubbed my nose against her teeny-weeny nose where I felt her light breaths. It was still very unbelievable that the infant in my hands was mine, that I was her Mom.

I saw from the corners of my eyes that Ashar entered into the room. I moved up my face and glanced at him. He hesitantly looked at me, then, the infant in my hands. He sucked in his jaws a little as he moved up his gaze back at me.

The smile on my face slowly faded. I didn't expect him to come here at the hospital for me, but his face reminded me of my decision, the reality. I was going to set him free from the marriage knot. I moved my eyes back on the baby in my hands.

She was in a light pink romper with a bunny hooded wrapping sheet over it. Katherine would have bought it certainly. She was the only one who was taking care of the whole baby shopping.

I can bet that she had already bought hundred pairs of clothes for her. My daughter was going to wear new clothes every day. I planted a light kiss on the baby's forehead.

"It's good you're here, Ashar." Katherine walked to her son, "Let's go to the doctor together and also sort out the remaining payment process afterwards."

"Yeah, okay." Ashar replied.

Matt asked to me, "Do you want anything?"

"No." I didn't keep my eyes away from the newborn.

"Alright. I'll see you at home." He said, then walked out of the room.

"I'll be back or I can stay if you want?" Katherine questioned.

"No. I want to stay alone." I answered.

All of them left the room. I breastfed the baby afterwards with the help of the nurse.

💙

A week later, I began assembling all the belongings that were not many. The DNA results were out and I proved myself innocent. Ashar's family was very happy after the DNA confirmation and they arranged a grand celebration to welcome the heiress. I also attended that party. It was good.

Katherine had even set up a entire room for my daughter, where she placed all kind of toys and accessories a girl child would like. The room was decorated with soft pink walls and purple curtains. She said that it was not enough, there were a lot of other stuff she was planning to buy and place them in the room.

I was amazed after seeing the room decorations. The furniture and the toys were so expensive and colorful that it gave me a glimpse of the future like how comfortably and magnificently my daughter would be raised here. I couldn't be able to provide her such a room in my entire lifetime.

The family also decorated the entire mansion for the celebration of the grand event. I was more than satisfied that my baby was going to grow well in their hands. They were spending a lot of money on her.

I waited for the whole week and observed everything very thoroughly like; how they were treating the newborn after knowing that Ashar was the father. And I was surprised to see that their behavior didn't change a bit. Their excitement and fondness grew for the heiress.

Apparently, I was not being fair with my child, but I was envisioning the long term effects of my decision and my daughter's future security. It would be hard in the beginning, but the outcome would be fruitful.

Even after the truth, Ashar didn't talk to me, instead I felt he was avoiding me. He avoided looking into my eyes, he avoided being alone with me as if he was running away from me. I was confused by his behavior at first, but then I understood when divorce papers were brought to my room. The file was there in my room right now at my dresser. I guess it was his way of telling me his final decision.

The divorce document was the final nail in the coffin - a final straw of our accidental, unwanted marriage. I was about to fulfill my promise that I made to Ashar that I would divorce him. He wanted me to go out of his life. I was going to grant him his wish.

The newborn was with me at my bed, sleeping peacefully. I locked my door, so no one could come to my room tonight.

It was already midnight when I was packing up my stuff. I was going to leave this mansion quietly just before the dawn because I didn't want the baby to stay in the empty room alone for a long time. I knew after the sunrise, someone would come to the room to check on me and the infant.

Placing all the dresses, shoes, jewelry Ashar's mother gave me on one the side of the bed, I separated my own clothes. I was going to return all those things that Katherine brought for me. I would not take anything with me that didn't belong to me. Once I was done, I took a pen and blank paper and wrote down my decision of leaving this mansion today. Tears welled up in my eyes as I moved the pen against the paper.

Hey there,

I'm leaving this place today.

All that time, I realized that I only caused problems for you. I observed that the problem was always ME. So, that problem is now out of everyone's life. I'm not taking anything with myself, but leaving the very dear thing to my existence in your care.

I want nothing from you people, but only one big favor and that is 'Take care of my baby'. She is going to live without her Mom. It won't be easy for her. But, bring all joy of life to her, so that she could not feel my absence.

Don't mistreat her. Don't make her cry. Don't abandon her. Don't tell her about me. Raise her well. You can do that much for me, right? A mother is leaving her innocent baby in your care.

I hope she'll never be like me and will have a good life.

Name her "Zoya." It means; Life. I like that name. But, I'm not forcing you for this, it's just a suggestion.

Don't try to find me. I don't want to come here ever again. It would be good if I won't come in front of the child ever. If you ever tell her about me (I hope you won't do that it would hurt her), then tell her that "Mom feels sorry and she misses you a lot."

(Ashar, please be a good father. That's my only request from you.)

Sanaya.

I folded the paper in half and placed it on baby's chest, wiping off the water from my face. Today, tears were just unstoppable.

"Mom is saying sorry. Will you forgive me?" I stroked the forehead of the baby and whispered to her.

She was motionless right now. I put my large head on her tiny chest and cried. Her soft quilt absorbed some of my tears, "Live well, okay?"

I wanted to raise her by myself. I wanted to buy good clothes for her. I wanted to love her and see her growing.

Her lips quavered. My sobs possibly disturbed her sleep, "I'm doing this for your own good."

I inhaled, "I can't take you with me. You'll have a good life here."

"I'll always be seeking your forgiveness." I planted a light kiss on her cheek and then sat up.

I blubbered profusely for next few minutes. Tears streamed down my cheeks endlessly. I knew those tears would never stop now. The compromise I had chosen for myself would requite me with unending suffering, crying and agony.

I got up from the bed and reached to the dressing table, took the ballpoint pen in my shaky hand. I opened the file that had legal, divorce papers and scribbled my signature at the required places.

Surprisingly, Ashar's signatures weren't there. I thought maybe they first dropped the file to me. Either way I didn't care. The marriage that happened so accidently, unplanned, the marriage that had started everything was now ended. The chapter was closed.

I didn't think of my birth parents in a long time but today, I was thinking about them because I was going to imitate their act, leaving the newborn in the empty room.

Just like my Mom probably would have walked to the bed for one last time, where I was lying, I took steps towards my baby.

Just like my Mom would have put a fleecy blanket on me, I also did the same, placing the soft, fluffy blanket over her and then, put my letter on the top.

Then, my Mom probably would have kissed my forehead for one last time, I planted a goodbye kiss on my baby's forehead. She moved her lips in response. My heart shrank in my chest when I thought that I was never going to see her again. I sniffed her flowery scent before pulling myself back. The scent of her would always remain with me - inside me.

With shaky legs, I left the bed and grabbed my leather bag. I cast a glance at the wall clock. The sun was going to rise in about thirty minutes. I could now leave. I wiped the water from my face with the back of my hand and placed my phone at the bed side. I had a doubt that Hobsons would try to contact me or trace my location through the phone. I didn't want to take any risk so I was leaving my phone here as well.

I reached to the door and turned around for one last time to look at my baby. My little, clueless daughter was sleeping on the large bed all alone. I didn't know how my mother would have felt at that moment, but I felt petrified and broken. It wouldn't have been easy for my parents also.

With silent steps, I dragged myself out of the house, leaving my soul behind with my baby girl. I would never forgive myself for being such a wicked Mom.

✸✸

I think Sanaya should have gone for the abortion instead of leaving her baby behind. Its not fair to a newborn. A child needs her mother the most. Abortion would be a better option. But, what could we say, its Sanaya's life and Sanaya's choice. :/