Seungmin eventually got out of the shower and we ate dinner together. Jeongin also stayed for a while after, so we talked for some time. Turns out him and Seungmin became friends after me and Minho graduated, and well.. kinda left Seungmin alone in school, even though I don't think he missed us much.
After Jeongin left, Squirrely went under the shower, leaving me and Seungmin alone in the room. I somehow feel extremely bored, I have been in here for hours and since it's night time I think it's ok to exit the room.
"I'm gonna get some fresh air, okay??" I say to Seungmin, who just nods at me.
With that, I exit the room and as I open the door, I feel the chilly air hitting my skin. It feels so refreshing to breathe this fresh night air. It's not that cold anymore, but it's not warm neither. It's perfect to go outside in a simply hoodie. I lean forward on the railing, and take a deep breath. It's so quiet. It hasn't been this quiet for a while now.
I start walking toward the stairs and my mind suddenly wanders off to Minho. I wonder if he is ok. I don't even know where that dimwit is sleeping tonight, and the fact that I can't contact him is just killing me.
I get down to the parking lot, sit on the edge of the pavement and look up at the night sky. Small clouds are hovering through the air, covering some of the shining stars. The first quarter of the moon is also fighting it's way through the clouds, in order to be seen. It's beautiful actually. I haven't had a moment like this in ages.
"Minho.. are you ok??" I murmur the question to myself, as my eyes keep gazing the night sky. Just when I get back to him, I pull him into this crap. The truth is.. after that day when I got a panic attack, I tried to stop thinking about what if we don't make it, but then Squirrely asks me the exactly same thing. 'What if I can't do it??'. I've never doubted him but now when everything it's coming to it's end, I wonder if he can do it. I believe he can. I believe he can put an end to this and even if he can't... I guess I will be happy that he at least got to live 2 weeks of a normal life.
Even if he says that he can't do it, I won't force him to. I'll just deal with the consequences of my decision. I don't think I regret it though. If someone gives me the chance to go back to the time I started thinking about this, I wouldn't change my decision. I would still choose to get him out of the hospital, and help him as much as possible. I would be lying if I say I didn't get connected to him more than I should.
Seeing him smile, hearing him laugh, and even having weird conversations with him, it makes me so happy. It really makes me feel like I have a reason to be here. Seeing him cry didn't affect me as much on the beginning, but after a while I could feel my heart ache every time he was terrified to death. And now I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to let him go after this ends. I have no idea what is going to happen since he is still mentally damaged and someone will notice that eventually. He's an adult, so the only thing they can do to him is put him in another facility. Even though I don't like the thought of that, I'm ready to do what's best for him even if it means not seeing him as much as now. I just want the best for him.
As I'm lost in my thoughts, someone waves their hand in front of my nose making me jump up in surprise. I look to my left only to see the person that never leaves me alone, not even inside my head. He has a hoodie over his head, revealing only the tips of his wet hair, and not to mention his gorgeous smile that alway makes my day better no matter how shitty I feel.
"Hello." He greets me before sitting down next to me.
"Why did you come out, your hair is wet. You might catch a cold." I yawn like an old grandma and turn his body toward myself. With my fingers, I push his hair under the hood and then pull both of the draw cords, shrinking the hood together. He just looks at me with a neutral look on his face, before trying to speak up.
"Don't you think it's to tight??" He says, making me realize i pulled it to the point where he can't even see properly.
"Oh, sorry." I smile and let out a laugh before helping him once again. I loosen up the hood a little, and fix it so his eyes, lips and nose are visible. My fingers brush over his skin over and over again, making me constantly make eye contact with him, but then break it in less then a second. I fix his hair behind once again, before tying the two draw cords together.
"You are finished." I say, and gently slap my hands on his half covered cheeks.
"Thank you, but I feel like a fresh packed sushi right now ." He jokes making both of us laugh.
"Well, that's one piece of a cute sushi then." I say back. And yes, I know what I just said. But come on people, I can't lie. He just lets out a laugh before looking up at the sky.
"Woow, it's so beautiful." He says. "You know.. I didn't sleep all the time in the hospital. I actually used to wake up in the middle of the night, and watch the stars. Because my memory was so bad, I didn't remember it on the beginning, but I remembered later on. I would always have bad dreams and then wake up in the middle of the night, since my body was way to weak at the time I would push myself off the bed, and crawl to the window. I just sat there and looked through the window for hours, wondering if I will ever be able to walk outside again." He pauses for a moment before continuing. "Do you think I'm an alien??" He suddenly asks, making me look at him with a confused expression on my face.
"Because you see. I didn't seem to belong anywhere by myself. No matter how much I smiled, I felt so lonely. Like an alien trying to blend in with humans. Nobody listened when I tried to say something. Every night was so quiet and felt so lonely. Everything around me seemed so dark, and even though the tears always seemed to be waiting to fall down, I still wondered if I can make it happen... if I can make it among those starts." He raises his hand pointing toward the sky. "I just needed someone to reach out to me and hold me up." He finishes and turns his head toward me.
I don't know for how long I have been staring at him, but we lock eyes immediately. In that moment my heart starts going twice as fast as before, leaving me numb on the spot. He just smiles at me. I never thought that just a simple smile can make me feel this way. Like there is nothing to worry about in this world. Like this night can last forever, without thinking about everything that might come in the future. I keep looking at his eyes realizing how much this man actually means to me. I want to be selfish.. I don't want to let him go.
"So, thank you... Min Jieun." ... damn you.. Han Jisung. "I'm still waiting for that kiss though." He snaps me out of my frozen trans, with the mention of the kiss. I though he forgot about it already, since it's been days and I also almost kissed him while I was drunk too. Come to think of it, didn't he panic at that time.
"K- kiss-" He cuts me off.
"Also would you date me??" I'm not sure if that was a question or a demand, but it leaves me without words. How many kdramas did I let him watch, for him to gain this much confidence?? I open my mouth trying to say something, but nothing comes out giving him the chance to continue.
"And don't worry about the age difference, cos two years is nothing.... noona." I never thought I would choke on air, but this man made me experience even that. I look away and start coughing on simple oxygen. I never expected those words to leave his mouth to be honest.
"Wh- What??- Wh- Where did you learn that??" I ask still trying to recover from seconds ago.
"I watched this show where this dude my age said it. He spoke english, but there were korean subtitles, and his voice was so beautiful too." He says the last part a bit amazed, probably trying to recall how he sounded like. But anyway, how come I didn't see him watching it?? I am with him almost all of the time!!
"Well.. ughh.. umm...aaa." I still can't bring myself to say anything which makes him start laughing at me like a lunatic. I think I'll need a few seconds to wash away the shook that just hit me. Not just shook thought. I can feel my ears going red right now, and I'm not sure if it's from embarrassment or it's just me blushing.
"I think you need some time to think my question over." He keeps laughing at me making me turn away and place a small pout on my face. I really don't like it when I embarrass myself like this in front of someone, especially people I care about, and especially when I give them a reason to laugh at me like this. It's satisfying though... hearing his laugh.
After a few minutes both of us calm down and we stay in a silence for a while. It's not awkward or anything, it's just simple silence until Squirrely cuts it off.
"What about you though??"
"About me??" I ask back a bit confused at what he's referring to.
"I want to know something about you too." From the corner of my eye I can see his head turning but I stay in the same position with my eyes fixed on the night sky.
"Didn't you already ask Minho about me?? He told me you asked a lot of questions." I say back. He just gives me an awkward smile and rubs the back of his head, before answering me.
"Well I did haha."
"What did he say??" I'm not only asking this because I want to keep the conversation going, but I am genuine wondering what he said about me.
"Well, he said you're an idiot and racless. That you make quick decisions without thinking them through twice, and that you are sometimes way to bold. He also said you have these anger issues where you get mad in matter of seconds and start yelling at everyone that cross paths with you. He said it's best to stay out of your sight at moments like that. I hope I don't get to experience that. Oh, and he also said you are the worst cook he has ever seen." Why the hell did I even expect something good.
"I'm still learning." I try to defend myself.
"He also said you always try to understand the people around you. If there is someone you truly care about, you can risk everything for them. If someone needs help, you'll be there. He said you try to hide your emotions from others, since you feel like you can handle everything alone. That you have always been taking care of others so you don't really know how to take care of yourself, that's why you get sick often. He also said he loves your life motto which is "There are people out there who have it worse than me, and if they can handle it, I can too." thats cool to be honest. He also said that your mood swings are always unexpected and that there are days when they are so sudden and extreme, that he just wants to choke you on the spot. But on the end he admitted that without you his life would be boring as fuck."
The last word that leaves Squirrely's mouth catches my attention the most. I give him a glare from the corner of my eye, and keep it that way for a few seconds until he notices.
"He also said you make these scary scenarios of how you would kill someone every time they piss you off. And he mentioned that your stares can be deadly, but most of the time you are a softy who wouldn't harm anyone.... I'm an adult you know." He finishes off
"I don't care." I say and cut off my glare. He just lets it go and continues on.
"I still want to hear about you from you though." He says. "There is this one thing I'm also curious about." I look up again feeling like I know what is about to come out of his mouth. "Your.. Your sister. What happened to her??" The words finally leave his lips, making me let out a heavy sight. To be honest I don't want to talk about it at all but I feel like he should know.
"Well where should I even start.. um, so my sister was a year older than me. She had the same eyes as me, dark brown and long black hair. She was about my height, and just like you she smiled a lot. She was always laughing at every lame joke I told, and always stayed by my side no matter how rude I might have been." Talking about her brings a slight smile on my face. I take a few seconds to form the sentences inside of my head and continue right after.
"She had a sindrome though. You probably don't know it, but because of these sindrom she couldn't talk properly. She stuttered at almost every word that left her mouth, and because of that she became a target of bullying at school. My parents never wanted to make her feel like an outcast by putting her in a school where people would be more considered and pay more attention to her, and she also never wanted that. She wanted to live a normal life, but her sindrome was too strong. She never said a word about being bullied at home, and my parents were never the type to really pay much attention to us. Everything they had at their mind was work, and how much money we have. Until I got into high school, I never knew she was getting bullied since she always seemed so bright and full of energy at home, but everything changed once I entered high school. At the beginning we were at different building so I didn't really see her much in school, but in my second year I noticed her more and more. I saw her getting bullied and from then on I kept pressuring her to tell mom and dad, or at least the school. For some reason she never wanted to do it and kept telling me everything's ok, but I just couldn't stand it. Over the year my relationship with her just started to collapse more and more. I stopped doing my morning routine with her. I stopped playing games with her. I stopped asking for help around school. I stopped even greeting her in the school hallways. That was the period of time when I met Minho and my highschool life seemed to be perfect."
I stop for a moment knowing what I have to explain next. With a deep breath, I collect enough of courage and continue explaining my story.
"It was my 17th birthday on that day. I had a great time at school and right after classes were over, I took my friends to a meal. I didn't come home all until late into the afternoon, and even when I did, she was there.. standing at the door waiting.. waiting for a damn brat like me to return home-" I cut myself off as I feel my voice breaking. I don't want to cry though. I really don't.
"She stood there with a smile on her face. Even though I stabbed her right into the heart that day, she was still standing there waiting for me for the entire afternoon. And you know what I did??" I look down at the ground knowing I'm about to start crying like a little baby.
"I didn't even greet her. I walked past her like she wasn't even there... I shattered her heart into million pieces in less than two seconds. And why??.... Just because I was too stubborn to try to understand my sister. My sister, who never left my side in the past. My sister, who cooked me meals every time our parents weren't home. My sister, who gave me so many second chances and I couldn't give her even one." That's it. I can feel myself break down as the tears start running down my cheeks. I can't hold it anymore, but I feel like I'm not even allowed to cry.
"I didn't even look at her. All she wanted to do was- was talk to me. Only if I stopped at listened... If I just stayed for 2 minutes, maybe.. just maybe I could have changed something. Maybe I would make her feel better. Maybe I wo-" I feel my body get pulled. Jisung wraps his arms around me tighter than ever before, cutting me off from speaking. I just gasp for air realizing how much pressure I have been holding in my throat. Without letting him look at me, I hide it into his hoodie. I feel so pathetic for crying like a little baby, but I simply can't hold it in. I can't stop it. The feeling of regret washing over me every time I remember that day, it just burns straight through my heart. I tug on his hoodie with both of my hands so hard, that I can't even feel the tips of my fingers anymore.
"Why did I do that??" I ask myself the same question I have been asking myself from the day I found her in the bathroom. And I will probably keep asking myself that question for the rest of my life.
"It's not my place to say anything here but... I know your sister would hate to hear you blame yourself for what happened. I'm sure she loved you despite all the mistakes you did, and even now she would want you to be happy... to live the life you would want her to live, and to treat people the way you wanted her to be treated." His tone is quiet and careful. I know. I know but I can't stop this feeling. I can't not feel guilty, after all I was the only one she has. And I left her alone.
"What was her name??" He asks.
"Kyong.." I murmur under my breath without moving a single bone.
"KYONG NOONA!!" He suddenly shouts making me raise my gaze up. He is looking at the sky with one of his hands stretched in the air. "MY NAME IS HAN JIUNG, AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR LITTLE SISTER FROM NOW ON. SHE IS REALLY FUN TO BE AROUND, AND SHE MAKES ME FEEL WELCOMED AND UNDERSTOOD NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF SITUATION WE ARE IN. SHE CAN BE SCARY AT TIMES, BUT EVEN THEN I THINK IT'S CUTE. SHE TRULY IS THE WORST COOK I HAVE SEEN IN MY LIFE AND I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN MANY.. ANYWAYS, I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT FROM NOW ON I WILL MAKE SURE SHE EATS ALL OF HER MEALS AND SLEEPS ENOUGH, I WILL MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T GET SICK AS OFTEN, AND EVEN THOUGH I AM STILL HAVING PROBLEMS ON MY OWN, I WILL DO MY BEST TO BE SOMEONE WHO WILL GIVE HER STRENGTH, SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT HER. I WILL REALLY DO MY BEST NONNA!!!" He shouts up in the sky leaving me a little surprised. Then he turns to me and looks at me with a smile on his face.
"Do you think your sister would like me?? You know, I don't want to get in trouble when I enter heaven." He jokes boosting my mood up a little bit. I chuckle at his question and right after sit back normally while wiping the tears off my face.
"She would love you." I answer back with a small smile on my face.
"There.. you look better when you smile." He leans forward looking at me with his eyes glowing open, and a wide smile on his face. Damn, I never thought this would happen. I never thought I would be sitting here while being chased by the police and the president of the country, while his son that I only wanted to get off the drug is sitting next to me, looking at me with the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.
"Han Jisung.." I say and pause again. He just nods waiting for me to continue.
I might love you.
"Let's go inside, it's getting cold." I get up and start walking toward the stairs.
"Wait what?! That's not what you were about to say though!!" I hear him get up as well and slowly starts walking toward me. "Miss Min Jieun!! Stop please!!" The tone he uses is rather funny then serious, which just makes me chuckle. A second later I can feel his hands wrap around my waist and his chin lands on my shoulder. Without having any intentions to, he messes up my balance causing both of us to swing around a few times. I start laughing out loud at his curiosity and in the next moment, I hear his laughter right into my ear, giving me everything I need tonight. Once again he holds me tight in his hands as we both make a few sloppy steps forward. After we catch our balance, I reach down for his hands and pull them away. For a moment his facial expression completely changes, before I reach down for his hand and slide my fingers in between his squeezing them together as tight as possible. While he is to busy admiring our hands, I pull him forward with a big smile on my face.
I feel like I'm in broken paradise right now. Why you might wonder?? Because I feel happy and secured, despite the fact that we are being chased by the president of this damn county.
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