Chapter 30

Avery Feeling sorry for myself isn’t working – neither is pretending my past will go away. It won’t. Even if I transfer to a school in Alaska, and no one knows, I will know. And that’s what I hate most. I hate living with the regret – having something I can never take back. It might sound strange, but I’m disappointed in myself, and I’m tired of living with that feeling.

Maybe that’s what this little road trip will provide – the chance to think, to get away from everything for a few days, leave all my crappy baggage behind. When I return, I won’t be the same girl. I’ll know my mom, for one. And I’ll work on forgiving myself. With each mile I drive, I’ll leave my past behind me. So I took some sexy pictures with my boyfriend? I wasn’t going to let that own me. Not anymore.

While other college kids are getting ready for a fun Friday night out, I’m preparing for a twelve hour drive to Denver. I’ll stop for the night somewhere across the massively long state of Nebraska. That will put me into Denver tomorrow afternoon, and my mom, Jessica, or whatever I will call her, has asked me to come over and have lunch. The idea of meeting her is overwhelming, let alone seeing her home and sitting across from her over lunch. I may puke before I even drive the first mile of the trip.

Noah and Madison – just like my parents – are eager to join me on my road trip adventure, but I tell them the same thing. This is something I need to do alone. Maybe just to know that I am strong enough to face it.

It is late afternoon, but the sun is already preparing for its nightly hibernation. The streaks of golden sun lighting up the sky remind me I’ll be driving in the dark soon and I need to get moving. I hitch my backpack higher on my shoulder and continue across campus to where my car waits. My car is right where I left it, but it’s the guy standing next to the driver’s door that gives me pause.

“Ja-Jase?” My tongue trips over his name, both from surprise at seeing him and from the ban I’ve imposed on speaking his name.

“Hi,” he returns carefully.

He’s dressed casually in dark-washed jeans, a gray T-shirt and my favorite light blue hoodie that I liked to steal on occasion. Seeing him is physically painful. He’s so handsome, and I’m reminded how comfortably we fit together. My body remains rooted to the sidewalk, because I know if I go to him, my head will rest perfectly in the crook of his neck, his T-shirt will smell like a mix of fabric softener and cologne, and if his arms circle around me I will feel safe.

I pull a shaky breath into my lungs. What is he doing here?

Jase takes a step closer. “So you’re really doing this?” My eyes must betray my confusion, because he adds, “I talked to Madison.”

I nod. Damn Madison. I know they’ve been conversing about me in their shared lit class. I try not to read too much into it. “Yep. She lives in Denver. We’re meeting up tomorrow afternoon for lunch.” It explains how he knew where I was headed, but not what he’s doing here with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. “Did you…need something?” I don’t mean for it to sound so cold, clinical, yet it does.

“I’d like to come with you – like we talked about.”

I frown. “That was before.”

“I know,” he adds quickly. “But I’m the one who pushed you toward this, and it seems right that I should be with you when you go. Just because…of what happened…doesn’t mean I’m going back on my word. I am your life coach, and I intend to see this project through.” He attempts a smile, but I’m not amused. I’m done feeling like his project.

I continue past him toward the car, unlocking my door to toss my backpack on the backseat. “It’s fine, Jase. I’m good with going alone.” I don’t know what’s with his weird sense of responsibility toward me.

But I want a friend…or maybe a boyfriend…not a guardian.

“Avery,” his voice goes soft, and his eyes are glued on me. “I’d like to come. I’m all packed.” He holds up the backpack he’s carrying. “Let me be there for you.”

Do I even want him on this trip? I have visions of myself cruising down the highway, singing along to the radio, and giving myself a nervous pep talk in the driveway before meeting my mom. Do I want an audience for what is sure to be an emotional trip? I have always imagined doing it alone.

Jase looks at me with hopeful eyes. I can’t help but notice he’s said nothing about us – about what him being here means. Why is he really here?

I take a deep breath and realize I do want him by my side, having his comfortable silence next to me, his warm hand to hold if I need it. It changes everything. I don’t know what will happen between us, but there’s no one else I’d rather have with me.

“Fine. Get in.”

He smiles. “Want me to take the first driving shift?”

“No. I’ll drive.” I’ll need something to concentrate on other than him. We climb into the car and as soon as the doors are shut, his familiar scent washes over me. So much for concentrating.

Jase I know she’s surprised to see me, but I didn’t expect her to actually consider sending me away. But I see the indecision in her eyes, the split-second of uncertainty before she says yes.

I settle in the passenger seat next to Avery and flip through the radio stations, asking what she’s in the mood to listen to. She shrugs, noncommittal about anything, but I guess it’s to be expected. I can’t even imagine all the emotions she must feel embarking on this trip.

Avery drives slow and steady in the right lane of the highway. I don’t complain though – I’m fine with letting her take things at her own pace. I’ll probably have to drive tomorrow, knowing she’ll likely be a jittery mess as the time approaches to meet her mom.

I realize I’ve never been in the car while she’s driving, and though I usually prefer being the driver, watching her concentrate on the road is pretty cute. She gets a crease in her forehead and her little hands are gripping the wheel at ten and two. She also looks thinner, which I don’t like. But she also looks more determined, more sure, and I do like that.

I sneak glances at Avery as we drive, and the images from those sexy photos flash through my mind. I hate remembering her that way. The raw feeling of shock and disgust when I first saw those pictures slices through me. I wanted to hit something, or someone. Fuck, I still do. I don’t like associating the sweet, innocent girl I fell for with something so dirty. But that past is part of her, and I have to decide if it’s something I can get over or not. Will I ever be able to look at her without remembering?

The hours tick by and as I watch the passing headlights, I wonder what the future holds for me and Avery.