This is a Radio Edit Chapter. For the explicit love scene, please see the separate work Soundcrush Explicit, same chapter...
Well...it wouldn't be a Soundcrush novel unless we jumped back into a little drama. A lot of threads of upcoming drama anchor themselves here into this chapter. Yes, including a baby bump...just...wait for it...
It'll Work Itself Out by Donovan Woods is one of the songs Leed sang to Ashlynn a few chapters back...it's still appropriate to their love story, because in this chapter, there are at least three long-term issues that are beginning to tangle together that are going to cause the true test for Leed and Ashlynn. All things that Ashlynn prefers not to talk about, not to think about. Gosh, I hope It'll Work Itself Out....
Ashlynn
I've been naked for something like sixteen hours. Leed has done everything short of tying me to the bed to keep me that wayâand I'm pretty sure he might have tried that if it weren't for the shadows of my past. Not that I would mind if he actually did tie me up, I don't think, considering how mind-blowingly, amazingly perfect he's been. I have no idea if he's reading me perfectly or if he's just...perfect in himself...but his balance between tenderness and aggression is exactly what I need.
It's like we were made for each other. I've never craved sex before, but I can't get enough of Leed's love. I'm actually getting a little worried that I've traded drug addiction for sex addiction, but Leed assures me that it's perfectly healthy to be a sex addict.
So when I say, he's worked hard to keep me in bed and naked, it's not because I wasn't dying for the incredible lovemaking.
It's only because I don't usually mix naked activities with other typical daily activities.
Leed however, has no problem with a quick snack in between sex positions to keep his energy up or a stretch in the buff for a "challenging" sex position. In fact he's totally cool staying naked and doing all kinds of activities, like reading and guitar-playing, because, as he pointed out, he's just going to sex me again soon-so why bother to get dressed?
He's absolutely refused to entertain my worries that our naked activities could be seen because we are staying in a glass house.
"This is remote private property. There was a gate we came through and relocked on the road, remember? Hikers don't come up here, and if paparazzi somehow followed us here and get naked pictures of us, Marcy will kill the pictures and I will sue the fuck out of them. Glass house or not, we are still inside a residence on a gated property with a reasonable expectation of privacy. It's entirely illegal for anyone to photograph us here."
After that I conceded easily that naked brunch in bed is a thing. Leed however, informed me that naked yoga practice in bed is also a thing. To prove it, he tried to show me a YouTube video, but there is no reception here, so he ended up directing our practice personally. I'm skeptical that most bed yoga ends the way ours did, with Leed screwing me in downward dog, but it was a practice to remember.
We took a shower after that, but Leed refused to let me have any clothes and carried me back to bed and told me he just wasn't quite sure if my vagina was really in love with him like he was in love with her and that he needed to put in a little more quality time wooing her.
Which I thought meant he was finally planning to make me come with his mouth. He's been way too busy proving to me that vaginal orgasms are his specialty to take "the oral path of least resistance" as he calls it.
And still, Leed isn't quite ready to give me "a three minute quickie" he's been telling me is just too easy.
He's got something else in mind first.
Leed is the only man I have ever known to joke with a vagina.
My hands are over my burning face and I'm screeching with laughter and trying to close my knees as Leed keeps them pried open, saying outrageous things to my girl parts.
Eventually, Leed stops joking around and gets down to business. Very enjoyable business.
After that we take a nap, and when I wake, Leed is no longer in the cabin. He's in the soak tub outside. I'm sure he walked out there stark naked, but I use one of the provided robes to join him and we recline together, looking up at the blue sky as he tells me stories of childhood adventures here, and I tell him what I can remember of coming here a couple of times...walking the suspension bridge, how we swam in the lake that's part of the state park, how Kat pitched a fit because our parents wouldn't let her slide down Sliding Rock...which is something people do here, but it has its risks and Kat was five years old.
"She was born a HellKat," Leed chuckles, wrapping his arms around me. "We should bring Ollie here this summer. He'll be big enough for a backpack carrierâwe can take him hiking, and bike-riding, in one of those carriers you pull, you know. We could just do a month in Tennessee and Georgia, visiting and camping and shit. Eventually I have to take him on a family tour, you know. Utopia, my dad, all the stepmoms. Your parents, too. We could do some hotel time and I could rent a nice big RV too, so we don't have to rough it too much with a baby on board."
"That would be fun," I tell him, but privately I wonder what Tam will think of that idea of Ollie spending an entire month with us. I also wonder what my parents are going to think if I go home for a visit bringing Leed and Ollie in tow. Not that they won't think Ollie is adorable, but I can hear my dad nowâwarning me of getting too involved, too attached, too comfortable in taking care of Ollie. I've told them Leed and I are dating, but they don't have a lot to say about it. Kat being with Trace is a little differentâthey've known Trace his whole life and he's demonstrated a lifetime of watching out for her. Leed didn't make the best first impression with my dad. As I recall my dad said he was an "arrogant, immature, weed-addled asshat."
In the freaky way that Leed catches vibes, he says, "You know, I think we should visit your parents this weekend. I probably have some work to do, to prove that I'm good boyfriend material, huh?"
I twist in his arms. "Once they get to know you, they will love you. How could they not?"
He kisses me as he laughs. "That's a very diplomatic answer but really it's code for, my mother thinks you're weird and my dad hates you."
"Their opinions aren't particularly important to me. I'm working to repair things with them, but they tried to have me committed, remember?"
His arms tighten around me. "Yeah, I still don't get that. Why they just checked out on you. Or why they put your care on the shoulders of your boyfriend in the first place."
"Me either," I say wearily. "I mean, I know I was in a bad way...but involuntarily committed? You know what the worst part is? If Cam hadn't been there...I think they would have tried to do it sooner. He's the one that took care of me, not them. Not my own mother. Looking back on that now, I think that's...really weird. And at the time, I didn't see it quite like that..."
"Because you were hurting and you wanted the person that could comfort you best, and that was him," Leed says neutrally.
I lay my head on his shoulder. "Look, let's not talk about this. It's in the past. I'm so much better now, and it...it doesn't matter."
He plays with the messy bun on top of my head, squishing it and spreading it. "You're right, Sunshine. Let's go for a hike."
I finally put to use the outerwear and hiking books, when Leed drives us down to ranger's station and we pick up our pass that allows us to hike the gorge floor. They only give out something like a hundred a day and they are first come first serve, so Leed must have played the celebrity card to have two put aside for us, but I don't complain.
The paths along the river are truly beautiful and Leed-of courseâwants to play a game as we hike. Treasure hunting. In the form of geocaching. Our phones work down here in the state park so we use a geocaching app and to search for the cachesâmetal ammo boxes or sturdy, waterproof containers that visitors hide in tree stumps or underneath large rock formations and then mark on the app. The idea is that you sign the enclosed log book, and if you take one of the small tokens or prizes in the box, you are supposed to leave one to replace it.
Even though the app tells us the coordinates for the boxes, they are not easy to find. Leed is pawing through piles of winter leaf debris gathered around tree roots when I find the first green box hidden in a waist high hole in a dying tree.
"I found it!" I squeal, struggling to extricate the box from the tree.
Leed signs the log with his name. I smile, thinking of the thrill of geocachers coming behind who sign the log and realize Leed Lawson was here before them. I pick a wooden nickel with a green four leaf clover from the treasure box, and Leed leaves several signature Soundcrush guitar picks. He's got a pocketful.
"You came prepared," I tease him.
He smiles sheepishly. "I've been planning this date for awhile."
We find four more geocaches. I pick berries and rhododendron buds and green waxy leaves and make a tiny winter flower bouquet, tucking it into the pocket on Leed's jacket. We spend the rest of Leed's fifty bucks on a some jerky and Snapples and a Tallulah Gorge trucker's hat that Leed insists I wear, but I'm pretty sure he bought it to wear on stage this summer, because he does thatâgoes a little redneck grungy at Bonnaroo or LOCKN' or Shaky Knees. Soundcrush is big on playing the Southern Music Festival circuit every summer even if they aren't on a big promotional tour.
Because we are out of cash, Leed declares out first date officially over and very cutely invites me on our second date tonight. We head back up to the glass cabin and change for dinner, and then we are back down the mountain again, headed into the town of Tallulah Falls. There's a decent spa and hotel there, and the hotel restaurant is where we enjoy dinner. It's romantic and intimate and our talk is both sweet and sexy and primes us both for more hot sex when we get back to the cabin.
The following day, we spend a little less time naked. After yoga, Leed wants to go into Helenâwhich is a tiny chintzy town that survives on summer tourists tubing the Chatooga river and fall partiers coming for Oktoberfest. The Alpine themed downtown consists of bars and tourist shops and not much else. Some of the shops are just typical t-shirt, coffee mugs and key chain stores, but there are also some cool artisan shops. Leed insists on visiting as many establishments as possible. In his home state, he's recognized constantly and he takes dozens of selfies with fans while dropping serious cash indiscriminately, loading the trunk with a few thousand dollars of sweatshirts but also handmade gifts and artwork. He buys me a pair of dream-catcher earrings he caught me admiring, but he's quiet about what all the other merchandise is for.
"What are you going to do with all this stuff?" I ask when he fills the trunk and suggests we look for a place for dinner. "Is it some kind or prank? Are you going to replace all of Adam's clothes with this stuff or something?"
"Naw, that wouldn't be a prank. He would just wear the stuff," he quips.
I laugh and nod. "Seriously, though..."
"Probably, I'll just give it all to MJ for their church donations closet."
"You bought it all to give it away?"
"Yeah. It's a depressed economy here,especially at this time of year," he looks around at the dirty window shops. "I figured, why not make a high volume day for a few of these small business owners, you know? What the hell else am I supposed to do with all my money?"
"Do-gooder," I tease him and tuck my arm under his. He looks a little embarrassed as he tries to suppress his smile. We stroll down the street together, and for the first time, the snapping cameras don't bother me as much. Usually I'm worried that he will see me with Leed and I worry what he might think or maybe even do about it. But here, so far away from LA, I'm just a girl super proud to be with an amazing, generous, and socially-conscious man like Leed, out on our third date night.
Most of the restaurants are pub fair, but I suggest a quiet German restaurant at the edge of town. Leed is psyched about the schnitzel and sauerkraut. While we eat, Marcy calls. He declines but then she texts. He grumbles.
"It's okay," I tell him. He blows me a kiss and returns her call. His playful mood fades as he listens to her and then checks his incoming texts for pictures she's sending him. After a long moment where he pinches his nose, like he's trying to make a decision, he says, "I agree. Commenting will only encourage more bloggers hoping to get a response from our camp. It's bullshit, but just ignore it."
After he hangs up, he says a gossip blogger is running a story that I'm accidentally-on-purpose pregnant to compete with Tamara for status in his life. Or possibly coerce him into marriage. "That's not the worst of it." He flips me his screen, revealing a shot of me in LA just before we left for Nashville. I'm wearing a tank dress and the photo is slightly unflattering, because although I'm turned and my hip is protruding, the photo depth doesn't really reflect that, and somehow the picture has been further photo-shopped to expand my stomach area and give me a dubious is-she-or-isn't-baby bump.
Marcy says it's going viral.
I stare at the picture. It's insane, because even to myself I look pregnant. I put my hand to my own stomach to ensure myself that I'm not.
"We're not even officially dating in the press and they are already spreading gossip that I'm having your baby? I can't believe they would just...doctor pictures and lie like that. What do they think happens when a picture of me taken next month shows that I'm not pregnant?"
"Mmmmm, then they get to make up an even juicer lie. That you had a miscarriage or an abortion," he gulps down the German draft beer he opted have instead of eating any carbs in his meal.
"Why do they make up stuff like this? They don't do this to Kat."
"Because Kat makes real photo ops...she's always being seen at clubs with other celebrities, at parties. You stay on the down-low but you're too beautiful to leave off the gossip sites, so they have to make up shit about you."
"Well, it's just...ridiculous." I continue to stare at the alternate reality picture of myself, feeling highly irritated.
"Sorry, baby," he murmurs. "It's fucking weird to see you looking pregnant..." he has a sad quality to his voice as his thumbs spread the picture to examine my fake baby bump.
"It's fucking weird to even be talking about this," I surprise myself by sounding snappish. "I mean...what the hell? Can we just drop it?"
He puts down his phone. "Actually, we should probably talk about it." His voice is strangely quiet.
"About what? What more is there to talk about?"
He looks a little disconnected. He stares somewhere above my eyes, at my forehead. "About...having kids."
I try to meet his eyes, but he's avoiding mine. "Are you high?" I ask in frustration.
He chuckles, but the sound is weary. "This would be a helluva lot easier if I was. Look, I know it's soon to bring this up, but I just want to make sure you understand...more kids aren't in the cards for me."
I sip my water. I don't know why Leed's statement makes me agitated, but it does. "Yes, you told me. It's understandable that you feel that way right now. I feel the same way right now."
"It's not a right now situation, baby," he says softly. "It's a never kind of thing. I have a fifty-fifty chance of passing on my form of diabetes. Ollie was an accident, but I can't imagine intentionally having more kids, knowing I could pass on a disease to them that could seriously impact their life quality. It's just...before we get too serious, I want you to know where I'm coming from. If we go down the road together...I don't want you to feel misled. You need to understand that giving you children is not something I can see my way clear to do. That's not a future I can picture."
I can feel the weight of his stare, but I'm looking at the wood grain in the table.
"Say something," he prompts.
The waiter brings our food and the awkward moment extends. In a way, I'm glad. I take another sip of water and try to compose my thoughts. Finally, after the waiter is long gone, I shrug.
"What do you want me to say, Leed? It is what it is. Do I understand why you don't want to have any more kids? Yes. Did I always assume I would have kids? Yes. At this point, do I think I should have children? I don't know, given my health condition and my addiction tendencies. The truth is...kids, family, motherhood...it's something I try not to think about, okay? I'm not ready now, I may never be ready like I assumed I would be one day. I never want to be a bad mother."
He takes my hand across the table. I hear a couple of phones snapping pictures, but we both ignore them. "You would never be a bad mother, okay? That's not the issue. I'm not trying to upset you or ruin our beginning. I told myself to let this subject ride, to stay in the moment and not worry about it, but I love you. I love you and I don't like the idea that you might...at some point... start to build dreams that I have to crush, because I didn't tell you this up front. I'm asking a lot from you. I'm asking you to make space in your life for my son with another woman, and I'm doing that knowing that's something I can't give you. I know it's not fair, but at least I can be honest with you."
Leed is sweet and sensitive and he's afraid this is going to be an issue and he's trying to manage my expectations from the get-go. I get that, but I feel like he's locking a door we aren't anywhere near.
There are things I want to say. That I might feel differently about managing motherhood. I want to bring up the fact that biologically conceiving children together is not the only way to have a family. I want to tell him that I could still one day have a child, even if he didn't not want to contribute his genetics. Or that if I didn't want to contribute mineâbecause addiction is also sometimes geneticâ that there are plenty of children that need loving homes.
But the truth is...it's just way too soon to be talking about any of this.
And an even bigger truth is...part of the tight way I'm feeling in my throat right now is not just because I see logical rebuttals to Leed's position. It's just...sadness. Leed is a very smart man. He knows all the rebuttals I could make. What he wants me to understand is not the possibilities, but the limitations. He's telling me he never wants to father any more children. He's telling me that if I stay with him, that fake photo-shopped picture is as close as I'll ever get to having his baby. He's letting me know that Tamara will share a tie with him through Ollie that I will never have.
It is too soon to think about all this, but it's also too sad to think the option of a child with Leed is completely and assuredly wiped from my future.
But I also know...I've been through sad times and I've walked forward from them and found happier places.
I squeeze Leed's hand, seeking an immediate happier place. I give him the best smile I can manage right now.
"I'm clear on your position. You don't want to father any more children and that's not at all an issue for me because I'm not sure I ever want to have kids, either. But I am sure that I want you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Can we please change the subject to something more fun now?"
He gives me a leonine grin. "Absolutely, Sunshine. Let's talk about our trip to Costa Rica."
ââââââââââââ
All good things end.
Even our love-fest in the woods.
On Saturday morning, we make love under glass for the last time, and we say good-bye to the little cabin with not a little regret. Leed is actually really bummed, and only a quick trip to Atlanta to check on Bodie is keeping his enthusiasm up as we head down out of the mountains. As soon as we have reliable cell phone service, Leed calls him. His conversation with Bodie is brief, but Leed is encouraged that he even answered and was ok with us visiting.
Shortly after, Marley calls Leed, and he puts her on speakerphone as she gives us an address, and we have a more lengthy discussion about Bodie's state.
His first step-down into Methodone treatment has been a rough week, but Marley says he stopped vomiting and sweating yesterday morning, slept better last night, and is able to eat a little today.
"He'll be exhausted today," I say, remembering the weakness of post-detox, well.
"We'll come by tomorrow, okay? Just stay an hour or so," Leed suggests and Marley seems really happy with that.
"I'm so glad you are coming," she tells Leed. "He doesn't know it, but he needs you. All of you."
"He needs you too, apparently. Hell if I understand why, though," Leed says lightly. "Care to explain that, Marley?"
"Let's just say, I knew Bodie before you named him Bodie."
"And why am I just hearing this now?" Leed says tolerantly.
"There are a lot of things in Bodie's past he has left behind, and I was one of those things."
"You seem pretty solidly in his present, Marley," Leed says dryly. "What gives?"
"If he wants to tell you more, he will. It's not my place."
"Mmmmmm. That sounds like secrets, clothed in some therapy double talk about boundaries and stuff," Leed says. "There's something you should know about me, Marley. I hate secrets."
"Then you should ask your best friend to confide in you, because Bodie hates betrayal...and I'm trying not to betray his confidence."
"Damn. She's good," Leed says, cutting his eyes at me. "What do you think, Sunshine? Should we give Marley a pass on her sketch, mysterious pass with Bodie? Or should we put Mac to work on her?"
"I say give her the pass. I like her. She has spunk." I say cheerfully.
"How do you know?"
"She just put you in your place. And she wears rainboots whenever she feels like it."
Marley laughs. "Yeah, I guess I do. See you guys tomorrow."
That leaves us with a gap to fill, and with resignation I suggest we visit my parents. Leed asks me if I want to call them, and I snort.
"Do you want to give my mom a chance to fuss over arrangements and insist we stay the night? Worst case scenarioâ"
"Separate bedrooms," Leed guesses.
I nod. "And best case, we end up spending a sexless night in my childhood bedroom because there's no way you are doing what you do to me with my parent's directly below us..."
"Yeah, I see your point. What if we just drop in on them and maybe get by with an awkward dinner and an escape to a nice private suite somewhere downtown..."
"Now you're talkin', Lawson," I wink at him.
An hour later, we are pulling into my parent's driveway and I get a sinking feeling.
There's a shiny red Dodge Charger Hellcat parked in the driveway. I've never seen the car before, but I know the vanity plateâSTOLEIT.
He's had that plate foreverâ because even his first carâa brand new Mustang his parents bought him for his sixteenth birthday âwas worthy of such a plate.
Leed pulls behind the Charger and whistles, but I don't move.
"Nice. Your dad into muscle cars?"
"No," I say hoarsely. "Not my dad."
I don't think Leed heard me though, because he is already out of the beat-up Corolla inspecting the red beauty. "You know, I've been thinking about buying American in a sports car. This is a decent ride. Good for drag racing. I could dust Trace's little tricked out bitch in a car like this. Think your dad would be up for a little drag run tonight?"
I take Leed by the arm. "This is not my dad's car, and I think...this was a bad idea. My parents obviously have company. We should go...maybe try to catch them tomorrow."
Leed knows me now. He knows me inside and out. He picks up on the false smoothness in my voice at once and his eyes flit over the car again, landing on the small Emory Med School vinyl in the bottom center of the back glass.
He taps the glass where the sticker is, connecting the dots. His face is calm, but his eyes are lightening in that way they do when he's emotional. Happy. Lusty. Angry. Jealous. Doesn't matterâthey all make him go green.
"Dr. Cameron Martin's car, I presume."
"I think so. The car is new, but Cam has had that license plate since his first car."
Leed looks at the plate and makes a disgusted sound. "Rich boys and their stupid fucking vanity plates." After a moment of silence, "Any idea why he's here?"
I shake my head. Leed's jaw is flexing but he puts his arms around me. "This is your place, not his. Cam Martin is not going to keep you from where you belong. And he's sure as shit not going to keep me from where I belong." Leed's lips curve dangerously. "Which is at your side. So let's go tell Dr. Goody-Two-Inches to fuck off."
I give Leed a schoolmarm look and he rolls his eyes. "Fine. I'll try to be nice."
"Thank you," I say hoarsely. I don't know why I'm so nervous, but I just know...Cam being here?
Something's not right.
Uh-oh! So much is going on in this chapter! Cam being the most urgent issue. What's up with that? Why is he visiting Ashlynn's parents? What is going to happen next?