Chapter 40: Chapter 39: Front Men Take An L

Okay, it's time to find out what the heck Cam is doing at Ashlynn's parents' house. We learn a few other important things that resolve some nagging questions in our backstory, too...about Ashlynn's parents and why they've acted so sketch for...well, basically the whole series...

Song is Like I'm Going To Lose You by Meghan Trainor and John Legend. It just seems to fit so well with Michael's thought and Leed's speech at the end of the chapter...

Leed

Ashlynn's hand is shaking when she punches the code into the front door keypad. It's weird how that causes such mixed emotions in me. Mostly it makes me feel protective. I don't like to see her shaking at the thought of confrontation.

But there's something else. Something darker.

I just spent three days, deep with her. Deeper than I ever thought I could go. I feel sure in us. Surer than I have ever felt about anything. I would bet my life that Ashlynn feels the same way.

And yet Cam Martin still moves her. I wish to fuck he didn't, but the truth is coming off her in waves. He moves her and she probably needs to stop running from that because if she doesn't, he'll drive her forever.

She bows her head with her hand on the knob, like she the last thing she wants to do is go in, and I don't know what the fuck to do, but my instinct pushes us both. I squeeze her shoulders, put my hand over hers on the lever and open the door.

She doesn't call out like maybe she should have. We make our way silently through the house, hand in hand, looking for signs of life. As we glide through the living room her father's voice spills from the kitchen.

"No—it's not that I have a problem with Cam at all. God knows he loved her and he did his best, and now that she's better...a reconciliation with Cam might be inevitable. But...this? I have concerns. We should talk about this."

"There's nothing to discuss." Her mother's voice is clipped, sure. "This isn't about Ashlynn and Cam. This is about decency. The boy took care of our daughter when I couldn't. Now he's sick, Michael. Sick and alone. There's no question what we have to do."

Fuck.

My gut twists, and I feel like I might vomit right here on the Ballard's fancy Persian rug.

Fuck!

That's it. That's my whole reaction to the overheard words. I don't have any clue what's going on, but I don't have to know the details to know what happens next.

Ashlynn's hand slips from mine as she quickens her pace and rounds the corner to the kitchen.

"Cam's sick?"

I'm a step behind her, quick enough to see the shock, the guilt, and then the look of solidarity that passes between Mike and Ellen Ballard. Mike automatically moves closer to Ellen, putting a hand on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze almost exactly like the one I gave Ashlynn at the door. Then he moves past her and comes to embrace Ashlynn.

"Sweetheart, this is a surprise," he smiles at his daughter. His eyes cut to me. They twitch—like he's resisting a natural tendency for them to automatically narrow when he looks at me—but he puts out a hand. "Leed." There's an edge in his voice as he greets me.

"Michael." I return to the tone.

Ashlynn ignores us both, slipping from her dad, maneuvering to face her mother.

"Is Cam sick?" Ashlynn's voice is high, strained.

Ellen floats a hand to her throat and then reaches it out to Ashlynn. "Darling, his prognosis is very good."

Prognosis? Damn. That is not a word that gets used if somebody has the flu or a concussion.

Ellen is watching Ashlynn almost like she's afraid of her daughter. "Please don't upset yourself. Your head—"

"My head is fine. What's wrong with Cam? Is he here? That's his car out front, right? And what did you mean, he took care of me when you couldn't?"

Ellen doesn't speak, just exchanges another one of those married looks with Michael.

"What the fuck?" Ashlynn swivels between her silent parents. "Somebody explain!"

"Ashlynn, don't speak to your mother like that." Michael glares at me, like I infected his daughter with the f-word or something.

Maybe it's spite, but I find myself moving forward to put a hand at Ashlynn's back, glaring at her father as I wrap the hand around her waist.

"Why don't we chill—" I begin mildly.

"Please don't tell me to calm down," Ashlynn says mildly, putting a hand on my chest. "I've been letting my parents treat me like an invalid child ever since I got out of detox. I'm not sick and I'm not a child so I really think it's time for someone in this room besides you and me to get real."

"You're absolutely right, Ash." A calm reasoned voice—a doctor's voice—makes us all turn toward the back of the house. Cam, wearing sweats, looking unshaven and unwell, is standing just out of kitchen, on the sunporch, wrapped in a blanket. He looks like he just woke up after a three day bender. "The first thing you should know is your mom has lupus—an autoimmune disease.She was diagnosed with it shortly before your accident and she was in a severe flare during that time. Severe enough that she was beginning to go into organ failure and she had to be treated aggressively to stop her immune system from attacking her organs. She was undergoing chemotherapy at the same time you were trying to heal from brain surgery, and she chose to keep it from you and Kat. They didn't want to worry you, but they told me. That's why they let me move in here—because she was too sick to take care of you, and your dad had his hands full, working and caring for her, and keeping things normal for Kat. The second thing you should know is now, I'm the one that's sick, and she's insisting she's going to repay the care. I didn't think it was necessary at first, but today...well..I'm grateful for the help."

I grunt. Well, that explains some shit.

Ellen however, makes a small sound of exasperation. "Cameron...that wasn't your place, dear."

Cam braces his arm against the doorframe, like he needs the support. "I'm sorry, Ellen. She needed to know. She's needed to understand for a long time."

Ashlynn stares at Cam for a long moment, then looks between her parents, then back at Cam. For the moment, she ignores this revelation, because there's an elephant in the room, and he's shivering beneath a blanket and looking about as pukish as I feel.

"It's serious?"

He nods tersely. "Hodgkin's lymphoma."

Beneath my hand, I feel Ashlynn's spine tremble, then stiffen. "Cancer." It's a whisper statement, not a question, so I take it to mean she's more familiar with the disease than I am.

"Stage two and highly treatable. Ninety three percent 5-year survival rate. I'd have to be a real unlucky bastard not to come through okay. It's just...the chemo's a bitch..." he shrugs and smiles at Ellen weakly she makes another exasperating sound.

"His mother called me yesterday and said he was taking his first treatment at the Winship Institute—that's in Druid Hills, you know— and planning to drive himself back to his apartment in Augusta, where he had no one to take care of him. So I went right down to Winship and collected him. He'll stay here, as long as he needs."

Mmmm...there's a lot of information there I don't quite understand—specifically where the dude's mother and fiancee are and why they aren't taking care of him, but I don't bring this up, because there's no fucking way I can speak right now. My throat is completely frozen as Ashlynn crosses the floor to him and wraps herself up in him. He envelops her in the blanket, putting his head nears hers. We stay silent and they stay like that for a long time.

I'm not going to lie. That does not feel good, seeing the tenderness between them. Not just because I'm jealous. But it's so fucking real.

"It's okay," he tells her. "I mean, it fucking sucks, but I'll be okay. The worst part is, my parents are still running my life. All the way from Australia."

She releases him and shakes her head with a watery smile. "Where's Michaela?" she says softly.

He shook his head. "Christ, Ash. You know how to hit a dude when he's down. Thanks for bringing up my ex-fiance while I'm dying, here."

"Don't say that. You're not dying," she sobs and hugs him again. This time she doesn't let go.

"I know, but I feel like it," he says into her hair. The way he leans his temple against hers and tightens the hug makes me want to put him into the wall, but I can't. The dude has fucking cancer. Has poison running through his veins right now. Of course he's desperate for her comfort. She's as warm and life-giving as the sun, and he knows it. Maybe not as deep as I do, but he couldn't have loved her even a little and not know her power.

She pats him on the chest. "Come on, let's get you back to bed." She slips under his arm, under the blanket with him.

I guess I should be grateful that she gives me a backward helpless glance, and a "be right back."

As she disappears, I find myself facing her parents. The three of us stare at each other. Finally, I curse and slap my hands on the cool granite island and look down at them instead of her parents because...well, because this is some shit, and I'm pissed.

Yep, that's about the gist of it. Cameron Martin is a shitty complication that I did not expect to come crashing in right now. I'm fucking pissed that Ashlynn and I went from a mountaintop experience to this.

But as hard as I try, I can't be pissed at him. The dude has cancer.

"This is...difficult thing, for you, I'm sure. I'm sorry." Ellen murmurs. "I want you to understand, I'm doing this because Cameron needs a caregiver, and we owe him. I know you and Trace have supported Ashlynn in ways that have given her a new life, but it's a life she might not have, if Cameron hadn't given her a will to live after her accident. I owe Cameron my daughter's life. This is not her responsibility to repay him, it's mine."

I laugh bitterly. "You really think Ashlynn's going to see it that way?"

"No," Michael says. "She's not. She loves him."

Ellen makes a sound of frustration. "Michael, that's not helpful."

He shrugs.

I glare at him. "You think I don't know that? She's not the kind of person that stops loving. But she's not in love with him anymore. She's with me. We're together, and I can already see there's a rough road with Cameron's name on it that we're about to go down, but at the end of it, I can promise you, Ash will still be riding shotty with me."

Michael assesses me coolly. "I don't know if that's just youthful arrogance or a disturbing narcissism you have, Lawson."

"It's conviction, man. I love your daughter and she loves me. We're in love and I want to..." I falter.

He raises his eyebrows at me. "Want to what?"

My throat feels tight. Fuck my chi, I don't have time for it to stall on me. "I wanna go the distance with her. As far into the future as I can see."

"Mmmmmm." He sounds unimpressed. "Is that what you told your last friend with benefits—until she got pregnant with your child?"

Ah. Okay. I see what this is. I guess I can't blame Michael Ballard for viewing my life choices with a little skepticism. The truth is I don't have to justify the way I live to him, but even I can see that perhaps I look a little sketch—I've been chasing after his daughter pretty much the entire time I've been having a kid with another woman. I'm sure no one has given him any insight into that whole situation.

"No. I never told Tamara that. We were friends that had sex. Tam always knew what we were, and wanted it that way. She set it up that way, with me. When she got pregnant—through a mishap with her birth control—she didn't tell me until she was five months pregnant, because she had fallen in love with someone. There was a part of her that was hoping I would yield paternity to Ben, but I'm not like built like that. Of course I wanted to know my son, and to be there for him. The situation isn't ideal,but I love my son, and I care about his mom and his new stepdad and I'm making the best of it. Ashlynn is completely supportive of that. And that's why, I will support Ashlynn in this. Because you're right, we both know she's not walking out of this house with me today and forgetting about her ex with cancer. I don't know what the fuck happens next, but I know it's not that." I gesture to the back of the house, where Ashlynn disappeared with Cam. "This is...not going to be easy."

Michael's skeptical look seems to have loosened slightly.

"Look, I don't like this situation anymore than you do. Ellen is still recovering from another lupus flare last fall and the very last thing she needs is the added stress of caring for Cam."

I look at Ellen. She doesn't look sick, she just looks like a older, slightly tired version of her daughter. Then again, I never met her before last fall, and I do know what it's like to deal with a chronic condition. It's wearing on the body and the spirit. "I'm sorry. I've heard lupus can be a difficult condition."

"Thank you Leed. I manage," she smiles.

"She manages better when she doesn't have stress. When she can stick to her routine. Just like Ashlynn," he notes.

"Ah. This is why you didn't want Ashlynn to come home last fall. Why you tried to float the idea of Ashlynn extending her rehab. And when she wouldn't, why you didn't put up an objection to her moving to California. You didn't want her here, with her mom sick. You didn't think she could handle it."

"I thought it would be too much for both of them. I was worried Ashlynn might put her own self-care aside to take care of her mother and have a relapse. I thought Ellen would stress herself by worrying about Ashlynn instead of focusing on her own recovery. I even worried that if Kat knew about her mother's condition, she might have a setback. I'm not thrilled that she's in LA but she's thriving there, I can't deny that. I'm just trying to keep everyone...healthy."

I shake my head at him. "You try to manage everybody and everything, don't you? Keep everybody in their little box. Have you ever thought that maybe your wife and your daughters are stronger than you realize?"

Michael leans across the island at me. "Don't you fucking judge me, Lawson. You have no idea what I've been through in the last five years. My wife, both my daughters, ill at the same time. Ellen's lupus was life-threatening, and Ashlynn's condition was truly incapacitating back then, and Kat had her own problems...Ashlynn's trauma and Trace's disappearance sent her into treatment for anxiety and depression. One day, I had a happy healthy family, everyone was thriving, and in the blink of an eye, everything..." he snaps his fingers. "Went dark. And if you can't understand how fucking hard that was—to see all my girls sick and hurting—then you can spare me all your declarations of love, because you don't know what love is."

Oddly enough, Michael's heated words don't make me angrier. They just make...sense.

"Okay, I feel ya."

"Okay? Ya feel me?" he challenges. He laughs, but it's more weary than bitter. "You haven't begun to feel me, Lawson. It's easy to fall in love with a beautiful girl. Or even your newborn son. It's much harder when the love gets so big, you are terrified to lose it. Are you prepared for that? Because I think Cameron Martin knows exactly what that feels like, and I'm not sure you have the first fucking clue."

We just stare at each other. In his eyes, I see...he's telling the truth. To love big is to live in constant fear of loss, and Mike Ballard has been drowning in that fear for years now, poor bastard. And now, the same fear that drove Cameron away from Ashlynn has brought him back to her door.

I'm no fool. He's not here for Ellen's care-taking. He's here for Ashlynn. I knew it the moment I saw him with her in that cafe in LA. He regrets leaving her. It's maybe the biggest regret of his life. He sees her healthy and whole again, and he realizes—he lost big time.

This is exactly why I never wanted to fall in love. Because loss is inevitable.

A flicker of my old doubts flares, but the truth is...I'm already in too deep. I love Ashlynn too much, and I have to learn to play it differently than Michael Ballard or Cameron Martin. Both good men that lost the joy of loving to the fear of losing.

I don't speak for a long moment, because I'm trying to take a lesson from Ashlynn's father and turn it into something good. Finally, the things I'm feeing shape themselves into belief and then into words.

"My sister used to say love is a loser's game. One way or the other, you always lose. To betrayal, or  to discontent. Maybe to another that loves better than you, or maybe you lose to tragic circumstances. And if none of those kill your love—even if you love for a lifetime—sixty or seventy years on, one of you loses. Love always ends with a broken heart.

'You know what? I don't fucking care. I will make loving Ashlynn worth it. No matter when or how it ends. No matter if she changes her mind one day and decides Cam Martin, or a Cam Martin, and the white picket fence are what she really wants. No matter if she stays with me and we live the rocknroll life until it kills one of us. I will love her with joy. Not with fear of the loss that's coming, because it's coming, sure as fuck, one way or the other. That's how much I love your daughter...I'm willing to take the L for her. Happily."

A small sound catches my attention. Ashlynn is moving across the floor and before I can even react she's launched herself into my arms, sobbing.

I just put my arms around her and let her cry.

When it doesn't show any signs of letting up, her mother gives her father the head jerk and they fade away to give us a moment of privacy.

Finally, her sobs quiet and my need to know finally outgrows her need for comfort. I try to ask as gently as possible. "Are you crying because you heard what I said and it hit you that hard—how much I love you? Or are you crying because you want to stay here and take care of Cam?"

The moment before she answers feels like eternity.

Well. Thoughts? What is Ashlynn going to say?