Owen
My head hurts.
Here I am, laying still in bed with my eyes fixed against the plain, murky white of the ceiling. I don't know if my headache started from thinking who the hell Athena was with, or maybe it was the aftermath of me not knowing what exactly to do after getting past my first midterm season. It could be both. I don't know for sure and honestly, all this thinking makes my head start to throb right down in the middle of my forehead. I laid an ungloved hand on my forehead and gently massaged it in small, clockwise circles.
I was still against my gray, crumpled sheets, fixating mentally what I should do in these kinds of situations. Clearly, things are quite different in my case with the whole never-had-a-relationship-before-Athena and the disability thing. I was fine with the wheelchair (excluding the weird looks people give me. I despise that more than physics) and the whole lifetime sitting down thing. It was this normal teenage thing when you suspect someone is trying to steal your girl that bothers me the most now.
I sighed in exasperation and before I knew it, I suddenly felt a little tense. Knowing what's coming next, I internally rolled my eyes and grunted annoyingly. I hate when this happens.
I sat up in bed, leaning my back against the pasty yellow dorm walls and watched my lower half, especially my legs, jitter.
Spasms.
Again.
To be honest, I do have muscle spasms on my legs every now and then but they were simply just quick, subtle trembles that happen. Of course, when I first got them a few weeks after the accident, it was really bad. I felt as if I lost control of what used to be my main territory and something else took over. I remembered waking up in the middle of the night back at home, screaming for my mum to make the unusual jitters stop because they hurt. After that first time when I was eight, I screamed for my mum again for a few more times until I learned to keep it in. I was used to pain by that time. Slowly, the intensity softened and they're just uncomfortable now. Sometimes, they even give me stomach aches.
Like the one I have now.
Ugh.
Of all the fucking times to have these longer spasm episodes, it just happens to come around now. When I'm in the middle of a normal teenage crisis? Give me a break.
I blankly watched my legs jitter and then go limp again until they start to jitter once more. The intervals are inconsistent. My head was looking down on my lower half and my annoying hair kept going all over my eyes again. I felt my hands crawl against the sheets and I gripped them but not tightly. It was a coping mechanism I developed throughout the years since my mum needed to rest after tending to her paralyzed kid who has oh so many needs and all.
I'm trying my hardest to be independent. This is one of the things I have yet to go through on my own. Mum isn't here and so is the rest of my family. Athena's probably frolicking in gardens full of daisies and whatnot with whoever she yanked away to oblivion, laughing away to some bad joke she just heard.
Damn it hurts to not have her here.
I inhaled deeply and controlled the pacing of my breath. They were starting to feel more tense this time. Closing my eyes as I exhaled, I slumped down over my legs and grunted.
"Please go back to being noodles." I said to them.
It was dumb of me to start a conversation, pleading to my lower limbs to do something they obviously excel in most of the time: being still. They honestly acted their best during those times. I mostly didn't look down on them to contemplate on their worthlessness or anything these days but with my legs jittering uncontrollably? That is something that would make quite a conversation starter.
I kept my eyes fixated on my legs for the duration that they jittered and before I knew it, someone surprisingly barged through the doors. I felt myself jolt although my legs continued doing whatever the hell they're doing early on.
It was Athena.
She looked furious and I restrained myself from asking her why. I know better when exactly to start conversing with her when she's in one of her moods. For a clearer image, she honestly looks like she just killed someone and wants to kill some more. Her small, blonde space buns were a bit wonky and her thin eyebrows were furrowed deeply into the creases of her forehead.
As she stormed inside the room, I watched her eyes and never did she turn to look at me. Or my unusually active legs.
She went straight for her bed as soon as she took off her usual maroon Doc Martens, cuddling Eragon angrily with her as she went under her pink, polka-dotted blanket and stayed there without saying a word.
As much as I want someone, especially her, to somehow help me out here, there is nothing I can do to stop it. I almost always forget to take my maintenance meds for spasms especially these previous weeks due to midterms and for the most part, Dr. Anderson, but I've gone longer without them when I was younger. I can withstand these on my own after all. I practically trained myself for this.
I didn't want to disturb Athena, who after going under her blanket, never even popped out her head or anything. She lay still and quiet under there, something which was highly unusual for a person like her.
I diverted my focus back to my legs and the tense feeling plus the stomach ache. I wanted them to stop and go back being limp or something, whatever's my normal. It was still as uncomfortable and unsettling as it had been moments ago and I yearned for it to meet its end.
My back was still leaning against the wall and I felt myself slipping into a fully reclined position; so I sat myself straighter and grunted.
Athena shuffled a bit under her covers and slowly, she peeked her head a little in my direction. Staring at me were two, teary golden brown eyes the shape of almond. I felt a little guilty for not asking her as soon as she came back what's the matter and before I knew it, Athena faced me from her bed and swiped the tears away from her eyes.
"Owen? Are you okay?" she asked, her voice sounding as if they had been grained and sanded roughly. Athena wiped her strawberry-red nose with her wrist as her sad eyes stared at me intently.
I didn't know what to acknowledge first. My legs hurt and I restrained myself from flinching due to how uncomfortable they were but, Athena. She had been crying under the sheets all along. I don't want to see her crying ever again. I convinced myself forcibly to forget about the inconsistent jitters from my legs and tried to reach for my wheelchair which was still unfolded by my side, in the space between my bed and Athena's.
Surprisingly, a small hand gripped the chair's handles first before I could pull it nearer to me and Athena sat on her bed, slowly distancing me from my chair.
"Please just,-- forget I was crying, okay? What, what's happening? To your--" she said, standing up from her bed as she carried with her the pink blanket she has including Eragon. Slowly, she went up to my bed and sat beside me, staring as well on my legs which were still shaking.
I held in a groan and looked down, avoiding her eye. I should be helping her solve her problems. She's not the one who should be helping with mine.
"Spasms." I plainly answered.
I didn't like how out of all the people, she was among the first to see me like this aside from my family. I didn't like how she'll suddenly turn into a caretaker rather than a person who I value and who values me to the same extent. I don't need another person to look down on me. I've had enough.
"Oh no." she whispered softly to herself. Sniffling as she positioned herself on my bed, extending her legs in the same direction my jittery ones were, she watched them shake with me. She didn't say anything. Yet.
Athena gently bumped her shoulder onto mine and I turned my head in her direction, one of her blonde space buns surprising me a little as soon as I looked at her unreadable expression.
"Is there something I can do to help? Even a little?" she asked in a small voice. Opposite her angry, furious guise she had earlier, she looked softer. She cast a concerned yet pained look on her face and I was disoriented on whatever its root may be.
I looked back on my legs and shrugged. They still jittered every now and then, stopping only for a few seconds before shaking again. I was still tense.
Finally, I shook my head and sighed.
"No. There's nothing we can do but wait for them to stop." I said softly, trying to part my focus between Athena and the spasms. God, I hate spasms.
I watched Athena's face for any sign of disagreement because we usually argue over the littlest things but now, she looked calm. Not defeated, but in a blank way.
"Okay."Â she said softly, as she slowly crept her way up closer to me and laid her head on my shoulder. She even handed me Eragon, wrapping the stuffed dragon in my own hands before she wrapped hers around me.
I was terrible at things like this. I don't know how to act when someone comforts you, more so, how to comfort them. Athena was sad and was acting very unlike her. There was something wrong going on inside her pretty little head and yet, she still chose to prioritize me.
I hate myself.
"Athena?" I said, slowly letting the tips of my fingers trace around her knuckles as she embraced me and Eragon.
"Yeah?" she answered back, still laying unmoving on my shoulder.
"I never got to ask you how you were; why you were crying. What's wrong?" I asked concerningly, continuing as I trace her hands with my fingers until I slowly wrapped mine in hers.
Athena stared into our hands and she remained that way for a couple seconds. She worries me and yet, I do not know how to respond and take action to relieve them.
"He's back." she whispered, her eyes still fixed on my legs which started to jitter again. I flinched a little at how surprised I was at my own spasms but I was more surprised at the fact that I immediately knew who she was pertaining to.
That arsehole.
Although I never interacted with him on a more personal note, I cannot be sure whether my intuition to despise the guy is correct or not. Still, it was wrong of him to hurt someone because of how unstable and unpredictable his actions were. Between us two, he was the bigger jerk.
"Thank you. For uhm, telling me." I said, stopping myself from sounding annoyed at how easily that fucker slipped right through everyone's radar and catched up to Athena.
Nonetheless, I was relieved Athena told me the truth. No sugarcoating or lying was needed to get what really happened out of a person. For starters, those kinds of things are honestly hard to let go of. We always want to satisfy those around us with whatever truth we want to give them; to give them a good perception of things. How stupid and easily manipulated are we to tell people some twisted version of what we think they want to hear instead of telling them directly what's wrong.
I commend Athena for admitting that there would yet enter another antagonist into this story. Cliches such as hiding the past and fighting about it once the other knows the truth is just so exhausting to see over and over again. People need to be a bit more like Athena. She's brave, that girl. That's why I like her.
"Why?" she asked, raising her blonde little head up to face me with a confused expression written all over.
"Not a lot of people tell when someone from their past resurfaces. Really, thank you." I emphasized, seizing the moment when the spasms laid low for a brief moment and I was actually given some time to think about Athena instead of my fucking legs.
Not long after, Athena looked unsure and she squirmed a little as she turned away and continued looking at my legs which again, went back to spasming. They make me flinch a bit, yes, but I try not to mind them a lot since listening to Athena was my current priority above myself.
"I don't know what to do with him. I already set myself up for bigger things involving that dickhead." she spat bitterly, furrowing her brows again as she started to look angry. I understood now that her anger might not be directed toward her former flame but toward herself.
I sighed as I removed her hair ties from her space buns and fuzzed her short hair loose. She could relieve some tension and she could start by relaxing her head for a while.
"We'll think this through, okay? Just, tell me immediately when something seems off." I said reassuringly.
Athena nodded a bit and as she turned her head up at me again, she smiled a little.
"Okay."she said, slightly showing off her naturally perfect teeth. God, she's beautiful.
Athena and I remained silent for the next few minutes. Both of us could've been staring at my legs which still, jitter on inconsistent intervals and sends me resisting the urge to hit Mum's number on speed dial.
I inhaled sharply for a moment and Athena must've noticed. She shyly removed her gaze away from my legs and toward Eragon, who we now have cuddling in between us. Honestly, it was fine by me to have her staring at my legs. I was okay with it. Athena was one of those people I could let make fun of my disability or anything because she's so open and liberal about everything.
Eventually, as soon as the spasms jitter a bit more intensely, Athena's gaze quickly turned back to my legs and then to me. Two golden brown pools of honey were staring right into my frigid, cold, icy glaciers of blue.
"Owen?" she asked, sounding somehoe alarmed and a bit concerned.
"Yes?" I answered back.
"Does it still hurt?" she asked solemnly. Her voice was small again and this time, her eyes seemed to stary to go all teary again.
I don't want to see her cry because of me. I'm not dying yet, jeez. Still, I appreciate her concern for me and yet, at the same time, I don't want her to think of me when there's a bigger problem we have yet to get rid of.
Turning back to my spasming legs which have turned on and off like a switch, I couldn't help but go tense not just involuntarily on my lower half but all over. My jaw was tight and I couldn't focus all my energy on Athena. As soon as they piped down, I answered.
"I'm used to it. It's just really uncomfortable. I haven't been taking my maintenance meds for this lately." I admitted.
Sophie would kill me if she knew I had a spasm episode as long as this one. They usually last for a few seconds up to a minute but this lasted longer. I don't know for sure if they'll return tomorrow or something, I can't say exactly. Spasms are different for everyone who have them. Triggers are different as well. Mine happen for a ton of reasons but that doesn't mean it's the same for everyone else like me.The only common thing we have is maintenance that comes in the form of medicine.
"Do you still have them?" she asked curiously, squiggling around a little just to face me better. This time, her voice sounded more like herself than she sounded earlier.
"Of course. I'm not quite sure but I think I'm also running out of them. It's been a while." I told her as I restrained a flinch when I felt a sudden ache in my stomach again.
"It sure has. And Owen?" she said.
"Yes, love?"
"Tell me when something's off with you too." she said, wrapping her arms around me as tight as possible. Although my legs still keep spasming, Athena makes everything better. I mean, my lower half is still tense and all but with her, I feel almost normal. Something I rarely feel whenever I'm around other people.
"Alright." I said, smiling a bit to myself. I indulged her embrace further and wrapped an arm around her shoulder too, letting her head rest on my chest as we both stayed still.
Not long after, we both fell asleep. And it was a good one.
-------
Merry Christmas guys! It has been quite some time since the last update, hasn't it? Well, as a gift, I thought of what I would like to happen in this chapter pretty much almost all the time (even during finals, oh my gOD--) and I'm pretty satisfied with how it turned out! I hope you all have a wonderful day ahead of you, may it still be Christmas or the day after. Happy holidays everyone! Cheers to an almost end to 2020!
Lovelots,
ðBea