*Geek Boy*
This chapter references mental illness, depression, addiction, and suicide.
An important note, if you're suffering from a mental illness or finding it hard to cope, please reach out, please talk to someone, and please get help. There are thousands of helplines available all around the world with people willing to listen to what you're going through. Don't give up. You are so much more important than you think you are.
*
My car pulled up outside the house. Gripping the steering wheel, I took a deep breath. Despite it, my heart was still pounding rapidly in my chest.
I can do this. I can do this.
I stepped out of the car, walking towards the house.
The students who'd gone on the trip had arrived back this morning. I'd spent hours driving afterwards, putting off the inevitable.
My muscles tensed with apprehension as I stepped inside. I strode quietly through the hall, pausing in front of the entry to the kitchen and living room. Jed was sat at the kitchen island, his back to me. Alone, he looked sunken, his shoulders hunched, his head bent.
Had he always looked like he was in pain?
I cleared my throat.
Jed looked up, blinking like he was coming out of a daze. He straightened. "Oh, you're back." He stood and a pained smile flashed over his face. "You probably want me out of the kitchen, don't you? It's okay, I won't bother you."
He headed towards the door.
Don't be a coward Will.
"I wanted to talk to you."
Jed froze. He blinked slowly, his gaze returning to me. "You did?" The shock was audible in his voice.
Swallowing, I nodded. "I-I'd like to talk." I dragged a hand through my hair, staring at the ground. "If that's okay, I mean."
Jed blinked, then nodded quickly. "Yes, of course it is." He cleared his throat, gesturing to the island. "Sit with me?"
I nodded, walking to the stool opposite where he'd been sitting. Jed returned to his seat, staring at me. "So...what did you want to talk about?"
My gaze fell to the table. Why was it so difficult to get the words out?
"I..." I cleared my throat again. "I never let you tell me your side of everything that happened."
I risked a glance up. In the space of a second, Jed's face had sunk. For the first time, I really noted the shadows beneath his eyes and the wrinkles lining his face. He stared down at the table, dragging both hands through his short hair.
Then, without meeting my gaze, he spoke: "I suffer from depression."
I stiffened. "What?"
His throat shook when he swallowed. "I think it started in middle school. It felt like one day I was just..." he shrugged. "I wasn't functioning."
I couldn't hide my shock. Since middle school?
I could still remember Jed grinning at me every morning. Still remember him laughing with his friends. He'd been popular. The kind of person people gravitated to, like Ellie. I hadn't even considered it possible for him to be anything other than happy.
"I was good at pretending," he continued. "I learned how to smile in public. I learned how to smile at home. I learned how to smile around everyone. But when I was alone..." He trailed off, his grip on his head tightening. "I felt like I was dying," he rasped.
My chest ached. I parted my lips to say something but then couldn't think of anything to say. He'd been suffering since then and I hadn't even noticed. I'd always believed that, before the accident, we were close. I'd told him everything.
And the whole time he'd been playing a part.
"It might be genetics," he said quietly. "Mom's brother, he wasn't well either, mentally I mean. He ended up becoming an addict, too. Mental illness...it's not like other sicknesses. You feel like you're dying. Like you're being crushed every day. But no one can see it. I struggled with it. I should have gotten help, but instead I tried to pretend it wasn't there. I didn't believe I had a right to be depressed. I had you and James, and Mom and Dad. I had amazing friends. I had a good life." He shook his head, his voice becoming a rasp. "But the feeling didn't go away."
He shut his eyes, taking a breath. "So I started self-medicating. It started off with a drink every now and then. When I was at my worst, when it was too difficult to pretend. When I just needed to be numb for a few hours." His lips tightened. "It got worse."
My hands clenched into fists.
"Then I met Aubrey." His lips lifted up slightly in a small smile. He glanced up at me. "Do you remember her?"
I nodded. "Your girlfriend." She'd come over a lot. She'd had a pixie-like face, long blonde hair and was always wearing her cheerleading outfit because she'd come to our house straight after practice.
Jed nodded, his gaze returning to the table. "Aubrey was..." He shook his head, wonder passing over his face. "She wasn't like every one else." He chuckled lowly. "She could see right through me. I fell in love with her. When she found out about the self-medicating, she told me to stop, and I did. It was hard at first, and I was mean in those first few weeks, but she didn't leave me. And I got better. For a few months, everything was perfect."
The happiness vanished, and the lines on his face sunk deeper. "Then she found out she was sick," he whispered. "Terminal cancer. When she told me..." His face crumpled. "I..." he choked, shaking his head. "You know, even though she was the one dying, she spent the whole time trying to comfort me." His laugh was sharp and full of pain. "That's what she was like. She was selfless. She gave everything for the ones she loved. And I...I was selfish."
He shook his head. "I couldn't cope, Will. I tried at first, to avoid drinking. But then a few days before the accident, they admitted her into the hospital. They said it would be soon and I..." the pain on his face intensified. "I should have been there. I should have sat beside her. I should have been the selfless one for once. But I couldn't do it." He looked up and his eyes glistened. "I wanted to die Will."
I flinched.
His gaze returned to the table. "That night..." he shut his eyes. "I gave in to the addiction. But the alcohol wasn't enough. So I took painkillers as well. I just wanted to be numb, just for a few hours, just so I could cope with the world crashing around me. I was so out of it that when mom told me to drive you guys, I didn't even think to say no. I didn't even think, Will." He laughed again, the sound full of pain and disgust. "That's the worst part about it, Will. I didn't even think before I ruined all of your lives."
"I was selfish, and I was stupid, and I was mindless. And I failed all of you," he whispered. "I woke up after the crash. I tried to pull you all out." Tears slid down his face. "I swear I did. But it was too late. I was too late. And James...Isabellaâ" his voice cracked.
I sucked in a breath, trying to alleviate the ache in my chest. My throat was too tight and my eyes were burning.
"You and Mom," he whispered. "I failed all of you. If I could go back to that day...If I could change anything..." His hands clenched into fists. "I..."
He shut his eyes, shaking his head. "I don't self-medicate anymore. I don't drink. I don't take pain killers. I'm getting help with the depression. And not a day goes by that I don't remember what I did. Not a day goes by that I don't feel guilty for destroying your lives." He looked at me. "I'm so sorry, Will. I'm so sorry."
I shook my head, covering my face with my hand to hide my tears.
"I know you can't forgive me," Jed rasped. "I know the reason you can't look at me anymore is because of what I did. Of what I took from you. I know it was my faultâ"
"That's not why," I whispered.
I could feel Jed looking at me, but I couldn't meet his gaze. I stared down at the table instead.
"I wanted to blame you," I whispered quietly. "I wanted to blame you because I didn't want to blame myself. Because we never would have left the house that day if it wasn't for me."
"Will, you can't possible think any of this was your fault?" Jed's voice was full of shock, as if he'd just heard the most absurd thing on the planet. "It wasn't your fault. You have to know that."
I shook my head. He was wrong. "Then why does Mom blame me? I see it on her face every day. She treats me like I'm not even her son. And then when she's with youâ" The lump in my throat cut me off.
Jed was shaking his head. "You don't understand Will. That's not why mom treats me differently. I..." He sucked in a breath. "I tried to kill myself."
My eyes snapped to his. "What?"
He clenched his jaw. "It was after Aubrey died. After the trial. When I was in prison. I tried....But they found me and took me to the hospital." Jed's smile was pained. "It's why mom is so nice to me. She's scared I'll do it again. Her brother committed suicide and she's never forgiven herself for that. She thinks that if she pushes me away I'll do what he did."
I was staring, unable to speak. "You tried to kill yourself?" I whispered.
His smile stayed intact, though his eyes were full of pain. "I thought everyone would be better off without me."
I was shaking my head now. "You're wrong," I said, my voice rough.
He shook his head. "You don't have to lie to me Will. I see it in your expression whenever you see me. You hate me. And I don't blame you. I took everything from you."
"I don't hate you," I whispered.
His expression was sceptical, his eyes pained. "You don't have to lie Will."
"I was angry," I said. I swallowed, staring down at the table. "Not because I blamed you for the accident. You weren't in your right mind. I was angry because you didn't come back."
There was a beat of silence. "What?"
I sucked in a breath. "When you came out of rehab the first time, you could have come back. But you didn't. You were my older brother. You were my best friend. And you didn't come back for me. You left me just like everyone else did. Just like dad. Just like mom."
"Will," Jed croaked. His eyes were wide. "I thought...I didn't think...I thought you wouldn't want me here. I thought you would be better off without me."
My throat tightened. "I didn't want you to leave."
Suddenly, Jed was standing. He pulled me into a hug. I stiffened, surprised.
"I'm sorry, little bro," he rasped. "I'm sorry."
Tentatively, I hugged him back. "I'm sorry too," I whispered.
After a moment, he pulled away. He tried for a smile, but his face was wrestling between expressions. "I should let you get some sleep. You just came back."
I nodded, feeling awkward. It would take a while before I got used to this. "Yeah." I cleared my throat. "Goodnight." I turned to leave.
"Wait, Will, there's one more thing."
I turned.
Jed bit his lip before he pulled something out of his pocket. It was a scrap of paper. He pressed it into my hand.
"I told him I would give it to you. He wants to talk, whenever you're ready."
I frowned. "What is it?" My fingers unfolded it, revealing a series of numbers.
Jed took a breath. "It's Dad's phone number."
*
Thanks for reading! I wish you all the best :)
God Bless
xxx
Yemi Everest