She doesn't remember much from what she wrote in that letter to her future graduation week self but Avery does recall the greeting going somewhere along the lines of 'Ave, I hope you're feeling better than I do right now,'.
Well, it's been thirteen days since that morning in homeroom dedicated to letter-writing with Ms Vaughn and as of yet, Avery's not feeling any better. She's not feeling worse either though â at least that's something.
Her friends' letters were all full of hope â Callie's manifesting her move to Washington D.C and Georgetown University, also adding a reminder to get herself a Golden Retriever puppy as a graduation present. Lea's a pep talk in written form, with a small parenthesis to disregard the entirety of the letter is she happens to miserably fail Math and not end up valedictorian as she's planned to. Nic's a daydream of a world far away from Acebridge, of a life bathing in skyscraper lights. Luke's simply a reminder to not let either Caia or Benjamin steal his room once he leaves home for other adventures. Avery? Well, she simply hopes that once she tears that envelope spelling her name in glitter â courtesy of Lea and her magic pencil case â in 38 weeks from now she will at least have set foot in the warm sand of the Acebridge shore line again. A hope that these days will be nothing but a memory of something long gone.
In Acebridge, beach days aren't over because the calendar says so â usually lasting long into the fall. Usually lasting far past Labor Day. But in the very same way Avery didn't join her friends for the Labor Day town bonfire down by the water this past weekend, she hasn't set foot at the beach in the past sixteen and a half days.
Which is exactly how long it's been since she last saw Ethan.
Next to her, lying on his back in the grass, Nic lets an excruciatingly long sigh escape his lips as he tosses an orange into the air. "Love fucking sucks."
Avery tilts her head back, glancing up at the greenery of the crown of the grand oak tree she's sat leant against. "Tell me about it."
As she flickers her eyes back to Nic he catches her gaze, pausing his pastime of juggling the orange. "I know why I'm whining but what's up with you?"
"Oh," Avery lets her gaze travel towards the back of the bleachers lining Acebridge West High's sports field where they're stood only a stone's throw away from the tree. Smoothing out the fabric of her skirt, she lifts her shoulder in half a shrug. "Nothing. I was talking about your thing â obviously."
"A piece of advice," Nic pushes up into a seat and twists around to face her as he pushes his glasses up the slope of his nose. Throwing the orange into the air again, his eyes follow it as it flies in a bow before landing in his other palm. "Don't fall for someone you can't have."
A humorless, faint snort escapes Avery and she rolls her lips together. Despite clearing her throat her voice comes off quite strangely as she speaks, "Noted."
Searching for a distraction, noticing how her mind has already begun to travel down that road she's tried to escape so far this Wednesday, she slides her phone out of her tote and glances down at the time lightning up the screen. A sigh of relief escapes her as she pushes herself off of the grass, dusting her palms against one another.
Nic groans. "No. Already?"
"The bell knows no mercy," Avery says, lips pulling up in a lopsided smile feigning consolation. Extending her hand she helps him up. "Come on."
â¡â¡â¡
Nic continues to throw the orange into the air as they make their way past the bleachers, crossing through the wing holding the gymnasium to make their quickest way back to their classes.
"At least we're past all those start-of-the-year things," He says. "I don't know how much longer I would've managed being forced to have fun."
Avery hooks her arm in his, letting a deep exhale out her nose. "The sad days will pass. Eventually."
It's as much as an attempt to bring a smile to his lips as it is to soothe her own heavy heart.
Out of the corner of her eye she sees him nod. "Yeah. Hopefully."
Nic isn't the only one grateful of the normalcy their third week back at school has brought them. It's been a long sixteen and a half days, filled with the joys of finally having reached their senior year and the ache of the summer days being long gone, simultaneously.
Like the tide, her emotions come and go. Building her up until she's feeling fine only to knock her off her feet as it washes onto the shore, leaving her to fight in deep waters. Once out of fight, about to give in she's washed back up on the shore. And then, just as she's built herself up to her almost happy self again she's hit once more â dragged out to sea all over again.
Lining up for the 'class of 2017' pictures on the very second morning of school had been quite thrilling with the excitement radiating through the students stood in the center of the bleachers strong enough to have the senior year jitters run through Avery too. However, the annual faculty-and senior class breakfast held afterwards had soon brought her back to her wallowing state of mind and she'd spent the hour mostly picking at a piece of toast while listening with half an ear to the conversations and speeches held around her.
She skipped out on the freshman welcome entirely, having convinced her mother she felt under the weather â not having slept at all the night before might've helped her case in feigning a fever-plague.
Decorating her locker to align with Lea and Callie's was the peak of that first week back. Her favorite part of the overly done walls and door being the third of a paper heart attached to a string of glitter garland hung from the clothing hooks in the roof. The other two pieces obviously sitting in her friends' lockers â and together they make a whole.
With week number two came Acebridge West High's over the top spirit week. Pajama day had been fine enough â there had been something consoling about being able to roll straight out of bed without a care in the world. Though, on second thought maybe she should've at least brushed her hair. Those yearbook photos she'd been forced to pose for won't be a pretty sight.
She'd left early during the pep rally on the Thursday â much to her friends' dismay â blaming a looming headache. It hadn't exactly been a lie. More often than not she finds herself underneath heavy dark clouds nowadays.
Not yet knocked out by the tide, it had been a thrill to completely soak Luke to the bone during the annual water balloon war out in the school parking lot. It's a tradition which isn't necessarily appreciated nor allowed by the faculty but these days they barely attempt to break it up â knowing it's better to leave it until the kids grow bored or run out of ammunition, whatever comes first. Before either of those things could happen, Avery found herself stood with her dress dripping of water and her happiness drained when somehow her mind was brought back to the last time she had her clothes completely soaked through â running through the summer rain with Ethan. It didn't take long for that memory to spark another, being completely engulfed by the cold sea as he dropped her into the water during that very first run.
After that she mostly wanted to leave the parking lot and the water balloons yet to be filled behind to go home.
It's been a long sixteen and a half days.
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Letting her pencil fall to the margin of her textbook, Avery looks up as Sarah walks into the kitchen. Her eyes flickers to the colorful bound book held to her mother's chest.
"How was book club?"
"Really good," Sarah says, placing the book atop the kitchen table with a smile. "We had carrot cake."
Avery's lips pull into a faint smile. "Of course you did."
The smile soon fades as Sarah reaches into her bag, pulling out a familiar beige piece of clothing before placing it folded up on the table too. "I believe this belongs to you?"
Taking the cardigan into her hands, Avery runs her fingers over the soft knit. Her heart beats a little harder, the sense of her chest straining as she asks, "Was he there?"
"No," The corners of Sarah's mouth pull up in a consoling smile before falling back into a neutral line. "Anna said she'd been asked to pass it on."
Avery nods, her own lips pulling up in the furthest thing from a genuine smile. "Right. Well, thank you."
Flickering her eyes back to the textbook, she tries to put her focus to the paragraph she's been staring at for the past seven minutes. She's been sat studying at the kitchen table for at least an hour now but she's only two pages into the acquired reading.
"I think I'm going to head out on a run,"
She lifts her gaze again at her mother's words, realizing she's stood in the doorway regarding her with a tilt to her head. Avery already knows where this is leading. It didn't take her long to realize her mother's sudden interest in running came along just as Avery stopped going on her runs. Not stopped exactly â it's not like she's planning to never run again. It's more of a pause. These past three weeks she just hasn't had the energy to slip into one of her many pairs of runner shoes.
Sarah gathers her hair into a ponytail. "Do you want to tag along?"
Despite knowing her mother is only trying to help out â only trying to get her back on track she doesn't have enough headspace to feel bad for not complying to her goodhearted attempts. "No, I... I should get some studying done. I think I'm beginning to sport a headache anyways."
"Maybe it's time you break for fresh air?"
Avery shakes her head again, reaching for the paperback they're working with in her World Literature class where it lies on the other side of the table. She places it next to the open textbook.
"I really should get all of this done today."
She finds slight consolation in that if anything, she's doing her mother a favor. This way she doesn't actually have to go on a run. Avery imagines her mother will only end up taking a walk along the beach trail with Tammy â take away coffee cup in hand â only to come back in an hour or so feigning overzealous post running joy in the hope of luring Avery into agreeing to come with the next time.
She doesn't miss the concern crossing her mother's eyes as she turns on her heel to head for the upstairs, shooting her a glance over her shoulder but Avery simply averts her eyes to the open pages of the textbook.
She stares at the words a moment longer before reaching for her cup of tea only to let it slip back through her lips as she realizes it's grown cold and bitter. Grimacing, she sets the cup back down and takes the paperback into her hands, having decided she's done trying with the textbook for today.
She's only three sentences into chapter two â this week's reading â as her eyes begin to drift off the page to the cardigan lying balled up in front of her on the table.
She doesn't mean to chuck the paperback across the room.
A long sigh escapes her lips as she stares at it where it lies on the wooden floor by the oven, propped open on a random page. Folding her arms on the table, another sigh escapes her as she lets her forehead fall to the tabletop.
â¡â¡â¡
"You're so tense."
Avery sighs, straightening up where she's sat cross legged on Luke's living room floor. "Yeah I know."
"Must be all those books you read."
Her lips pull into a faint smile as she glances back at Callie who has taken it upon herself to loosen up the knots in her shoulders. "Must be."
Luke looks up from the math problem he's trying to guide Lea â who has spent the past half hour loudly letting them know she will most definitely fail the class â through.
"Seriously?" He glances between the girls sat on the floor and Nic slouched in one of the arm chairs. "Are we the only ones still studying?"
Avery lifts her shoulder in a half shrug, imagining Callie's doing the same as Nic kicks back to let his legs hang over one of the armrests of his chair.
"It's Friday," He points out, scrolling through his phone. "Why are we studying in the first place?"
Callie snorts. "As if you've been studying."
Nic takes his eyes off the screen of his phone to shoot her a look, saying "I've been studying plenty."
It's a complete lie â and Avery would have known it even if she wasn't sat in the very same room as the boy. Callie moves on from working on Avery's shoulders to coming her fingers through her hair, beginning to braid it and Nic resumes his scrolling, soon planting his feet back to the rug as he leans across the coffee table to show Luke his phone.
Luke, in his turn throws his head back with a groan. "Oh you've got be kidding me."
"What?" Callie asks as Lea leans over to look at the phone too. To Avery she says, "Do you have a hair tie?"
Avery shakes her head but Lea tosses them one from where she's sat on the couch, rolling her eyes as Luke nudges her in the side and says, "You better beat them Saturday or they'll be insufferable once we go up against them."
"I'll do my best."
Swallowing, Avery rubs her palm over the goosebumps trailing up her leg. "What's going on?"
"East just beat Camden."
She'd realized as much. Biting down at her lip, she tries to remain casual as she suppresses the thickness forming in her throat as her mind travels to a certain Ace East Montague player.
"Well, you'll beat the Hawks next week and then you'll beat the Montagues the week after that. And then we have the upper hand."
Callie, having scooted into a seat next to her beams as she nods in agreement. "And it will be great."
"Don't be so sure about that," Nic mutters, once again scrolling through his phone. "They're on top of their game."
"So are you."
"Fucking look at that." He folds over himself to extend Callie the phone and Avery peers over her shoulder as she scrolls through the Instagram front page. The feed overflows with posts, full of joyous exclaims, announcing East's win at the away-game.
"The real issue here is how you actually follow all these people." Callie mutters and Nic rolls his eyes with a small smile. Avery's just about to look away, having grown bored as Callie's thumb pauses over a video. Her heart catches in her throat, that thickness beginning to build up within her again. It's an eerily similar feeling to that day in Ethan's kitchen. An eerily similar feeling to those last hours they spent on the beach nineteen days ago.
The video's taken from the sidelines â catching the moment the crowd in the stands as well as the players on the field erupt in victory. The camera moves swiftly over them all, the crowd first, the players and cheerleaders by the sidelines second and lastly over the field. He only lingers in the shot for a millisecond, but there he is â both hands thrown up to meet Jake's awaiting high five.
"Did you see the video?"
Callie flickers her gaze towards Nic. "What video?"
"When they won."
"This one?"
She shows him the phone and Avery lets an exhale out her mouth as she averts her eyes to her lap, pulling at a loose thread in the rug she's sat upon.
"No. Wait." Nic says, taking the phone out of Callie's hand to find whatever video he's referring to but Avery keeps her gaze locked on the patterned rug as she tries to still her mind which is already racing down that path she's managed to stay off all day.
Her chest aches with the rush of pride that spreads through her. East winning their first game of the season aren't good news and it should make her itch just to think about how boastful they will be. It should make her itch to watch them being knocked down a peg. She should look forward to what the season will bring but he has taken up every inch of her mind.
Ethan won the first game of the season. He won and she can't even talk to him about it. They haven't spoken since they called it â them, whatever they were â quits.
She can picture his smile. Left corner of his mouth lifting as she teases him, trying to undermine their win while he's being boastful only to have her own lips deceive her and crack into a smile of their own as he counters all her quick remarks. But no matter how vivid the scene is in her head, she knows it won't be happening any time soon. It won't be happening, because they're nothing.
This time they're truly nothing.
She knows one day she'll wake up not knowing how long it's been. There will come a time when she will have lost count of her many days have passed. A time where it won't be the first thing she thinks of upon waking up in the mornings or the very last thing crossing her mind before falling asleep. Thinking of that does bring her some relief but it adds onto the hurt too â it adds a lot to the hurt. She doesn't want to want to forget.
She hadn't expected it to be easy. Those last few days were proof enough it wouldn't be. She hadn't expected it to be easy but she didn't expect to feel so different. Didn't expect her reality to feel so altered. Everything she knew before summer is gone.
She knows things now. Small somethings and big nothings â and she doesn't know how to forget about them, to release them with the hurt, while all she wants to do is keep them in her clutch and never let them go.
Ethan Taylor knows far too many lines from Brooklyn Nine-Nine by heart. Ethan Taylor has glow in the dark stickers in his bedroom ceiling â though the stars have begun to give up, leaving the moon one by one as they fall. Ethan Taylor thinks she's a monster for folding the pages of her books. Ethan Taylor has an old newspaper clipping showcasing one of his dad's greatest accomplishments on the field stuck to his wall, right above his desk.
When Ethan Taylor laughs there's a vibrating sound to his throat. Ethan Taylor points his finger to the dip of her dimple when he's trying to get her to smile â unless he's trying to provoke it out of her by saying something he knows she'll roll her eyes at.
Ethan Taylor likes to hold hands. He likes to hold her hand.
How is she supposed to no longer know all of these things? How is she supposed to go back to how things were before the start of summer when she can barely remember life back then? When she can barely remember life before knowing â truly knowing â Ethan Taylor? Where is she supposed to put all these small somethings and big nothings now that she has no need for them?
All they do is take up space. All they do is hurt.
She's yanked out of her spiraling mind as the front door is thrown open, Luke's sister Caia stumbling inside with a stack of pizza boxes in her embrace. She throws a look at the five friends where they're all sat around the coffee table, steering her steps towards the dining room with her girlfriend Townes â holding at least as many boxes in her hands â in tow.
Harold, Luke's father is the last one in the door. Beaming, he claps his hands together. "Someone ordered a pizza?"
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"Did you hear East fucking won?" Caia asks Avery in passing as they shuffle around the dining room to take their seats while navigating through the sea of pizzas on the table. Avery nods, rounding the table and dropping herself into a seat on the chair next to Luke.
His brows dip together ever so slightly as he turns to look at her. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah I'm just tired."
Benjamin, the youngest of the three Adams sibling, trails into the room a moment later and stops short at the sight of the crowded table already seating eight. He drops down on one of the stools they brought in from the kitchen table. "Are we having a party or something?"
"Pineapples?"
Caia leans across the table, swatting Nic's hand away from the box he's holding onto â his nose scrunched up in disgust as he eyes the slices. "That's mine."
They've just dug in as Benjamin catches Luke's attention across the table. "I bet you five bucks you can't eat five slices in less than a minute."
"Oh please no," Lea whines. "Can't we just eat? Without being like... gross?"
Avery's lips pull into a small smile, shooting her a sympathetic look just as Luke says, "Leandra Camila, you're no fun."
"No, only well mannered."
"Ten bucks." Caia chimes in.
Luke flickers his eyes between his siblings and the various slices of pizza on the piece of cardboard he's claimed as his plate. "Deal."
â¡â¡â¡
It's been twenty-one days. It's been twenty-one days and this carbonara doesn't taste anything.
Sarah flickers her eyes to Avery's plate as she rolls some spaghetti onto her fork, half of it falling back onto the topple of pasta before it can reach her mouth.
"Long day?"
Simply offering up a shrug, Avery pokes around the food on her place â fork accidentally scraping loudly against the china. Sarah sets her own fork down, grabbing her glass of water as she leans back on her chair.
"For what it's worth, I think this whole rivalry attitude is out of control."
Avery rolls some spaghetti onto her fork only to let it slide back down onto the plate. "I don't want to talk about that."
"Well, though luck," Sarah sets her glass back down on the rickety outdoor table. "I've been trying to mind my own business but I'm afraid the house might crumble to pieces if you keep this whole slamming-doors charade up any longer so we better just get to it."
"I haven't been slamming any doors."
"Tell that to the painting you sent to the floor the other day."
Avery pauses with her teeth around the tomato speared on her fork. "Sorry."
"So," Sarah interlaces her fingers on the table. "You and Ethan."
Avery's eyes flutter shut at his name, forcing a breath down her lungs as she scrapes at the polish of her fairly recent painted nails â courtesy of Callie and spirit week.
She rolls her lips together, lifting her gaze to meet her mother's eyes. "Me and Ethan what?"
"You tell me," Sarah rolls some spaghetti onto her fork. "One day you're over the moon, making a mess of our kitchen together and the next you walk around looking like you're ready to burn this world to the ground. Honey, what happened?"
"Nothing. It just... it wasn't going to work out," Avery pokes around her food, rolling pasta onto her fork before lifting it to watch it all fall back to the plate. "Can we talk about something else now?"
"No we can't. I'm worried about you."
"Well, you don't have to be."
"As your mother â I will worry about you. Especially when I sense something's wrong."
"I'm fine," Avery continues to watch rolls of spaghetti fall back to her plate. "So just... We don't have to talk about it."
"Averyâ"
"Would you just leave it alone?" Averting her eyes from the plate, she swallows as she looks at her mother. "Please."
"No," Sarah shakes her head slowly once, letting her fork rest against the edge of her plate. "No I won't. You don't want to go the beach. You haven't wanted to come with me to Beans & Bagels. Yesterday morning you turned down a trip to the bookstore. I haven't seen you in your runner clothes in God knows how long. Whenever we're spending time together it seems like you're barely here. You're not fine. And that's okay. But I worry about you. I get it honey, break ups are hard but â"
"We didn't break up."
"What?"
"To break up with someone you have to be together in the first place, right?" Avery lets a shaky breath leave her lips. "And we never were â so we didn't break up. We hung out. And now we don't anymore."
"Oh honeyâ"
As if burned, Avery retreats her hand as Sarah places her palm atop of it. She doesn't miss the hurt crossing her mother's eyes but she's too focused on keeping herself together to even consider apologizing. "I don't want to talk about this."
Sarah's voice is calm â annoyingly calm as she says, "I'm just trying to be here for you."
"I don't want you to. I don't need you to," Avery pushes her chair back. "I just need you to leave me alone."
"I think it's bullshit," Sarah says rather matter of factly. "This whole CapuletâMontague act. And Anna does too."
Something flares through Avery's chest at the words, burning all the way up her throat. "You don't understand. You couldn't possibly understand!"
"Honeyâ"
"No! No. I do not want to talk about this. Just leave me alone," Getting to her feet, she drops the fork into her plate with a loud echoing clink. "I'm not hungry."
"Avery."
"I don't need you to worry about me. I don't need to hear what you think about this. I don't need you to pretend like you suddenly love running because I know you loathe it! Just stop! Stop trying â just stop trying."
Sarah raises her brows as Avery crosses the few steps of grassy lawn to the backdoor stairs. "Where exactly do you think you're going?"
"I told you â I'm not hungry."
She doesn't have it in her to acknowledge the guilt beginning to creep over her. The same goes for the regret. She's too tired to feel sorry. Too tired to start over. Soon she's feeling guilty over the fact that she doesn't have the energy to deal with her guilt but she doesn't do anything about it. Instead she lets it consume her, lets it eat at her from the inside as she swiftly crosses the living room and stomps up the stairs. It envelopes around the sadness already in her chest as she slams the door to her bedroom shut with a bang.
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Avery's staring at the black screen of the laptop resting on her propped up knees where she's scooted down leant against the heap of decorative pillows on her bed as there's a soft knock on her door.
Her mother doesn't wait for any sort of welcoming greeting before the handle's pulled down and the door pushed open. Avery flickers her eyes towards the doorway where Sarah's stood on the threshold, arms crossed over her chest as she leans against the door frame. It's been a couple of hours since their dinner â or lack there of.
"Are you here to yell at me?"
"No."
Avery scrapes at the flaked nail polish of her thumb. "You should."
Her mother lets an exhale sounding very much like a sigh escape her lips as she regards her. "Yelling at you wouldn't make me feel much better," She says. "Would it make you feel better?"
Avery shrugs, clearing her throat to rid herself of the thickness lingering in her voice. "I don't know. Maybe. I'm sorry," Her eyes cast to her nails. "I'm sorry I was mean to you."
"I know," Sarah taps her fingers lightly to the frame of the door. "So... Is there a reason you're wearing sunglasses inside?"
Avery's hand flies up to the shades covering her eyes, the skin of her fingertips sticky from her dried tears as they touch against the black frame of the Wayfarers. Shrugging, she catches the reflection of herself in the blackness of the laptop screen. She taps one of the keys and the Netflix window pops back up, bringing a grimace out of her as a sob erupts her throat.
"Honey, you're crying."
Sarah's brows etch together with a faint frown as she walks into the room and Avery shakes her head.
"No I'm not. I just..." She stares at the screen, pointer hovering over the 'play episode' button. "I just can't watch this stupid show and I really want to watch this stupid show."
She wipes at her cheeks â dampening the already tearstained arms of the green Ace East sweater she's in. Running her fingertips beneath her eyes, she pushes the sunglasses to her hair and bites back a laugh bubbling up through the sobs as she catches the look on her mother's face.
"Don't laugh at me."
Sarah presses her lips together, a cross of amusement and sympathy still lingering in her features. "Oh honey. I'm not laughing at you."
Another sob leaves Avery's lips along with her words. "Yes you are."
Sarah shakes her head, sinking into a seat next to her on the mattress. Lifting the sunglasses away from her hair, she places them on the nightstand before pushing some of Avery's hair away from her face where it sticks to the tears. Avery's brows knit together as her lips twitches slightly yet again.
"Don't laugh at me!" She cries as laughter spills into the words.
"I'm not," Sarah says, lips twitching again. "I'm not."
She takes hold of the laptop too, physically forcing it out of Avery's clutch before setting it aside as well. "Come on."
Avery watches her mother get to her feet. "Come on where?"
"We're watching a movie in my room," Sarah crosses the room and gets the closet open. "But first, you're changing into these."
She turns around with a set of pajamas in her hand but Avery shakes her head, voice weak as she says, "Not that top."
Sarah pulls another shirt out of the drawer, showing it to her as she raises her brows and Avery nods.
"Change into these, go wash your face and then we'll watch a movie in my room."
"It's a school night," Avery sniffles. "And it's late."
"You'll survive," Sarah extends her hand to Avery, helping her get to her feet. "You need this. Trust me."
"No romance."
A small smile pulls at Sarah's lips as she nods once. "No romance â got it."
Avery doesn't let go as her mother releases her hold of her her hand. "Where are you going?"
"To make you a snack."
"I'm not hungry."
"Tough luck."