Chapter 23: 20 | don't cry over spilled chai

"You've spoken to your dad lately?"

Avery's brows knit together, lifting her eyes from the letters spelling out Beans & Bagels across the tray already holding half of their order to glance over at Luke where the two of them are stood waiting by the counter.

"No. Not really. Why?"

He shrugs, flickering his eyes towards the seating group in the corner of the room where Callie, Nic and Lea have already made themselves comfortable. "No reason."

Lifting her iced chai off the tray, she regards him – eyes narrowing ever so slightly. "What?"

"You just seem..." He trails off, hesitance crossing his face. "A little out of it."

"Thanks for that. I'm fine," Tapping her fingers against the glass in her hand, Avery too lets her eyes flicker across the room. She is fine. At times. "It's just been a lot lately – school, starting our senior year. All that. You know."

"I've seen you carry the same book around ever since I got back to town. That freaks me out."

A silent chortle leaves Avery's lips but it's followed by an inward sigh. "As I said – school."

She hasn't been reading much lately. Every time she opens up her book to read, to escape reality only for a little while, she doesn't manage to get through more than a few sentences before her eyes drift off the page. She usually finds herself staring at nothing in particular for a few seconds or hours – there's no in between – before giving up and setting the book aside again, vowing to try another day. It hasn't been going well.

"It's not just me – okay?" Luke takes the tray off the counter with a 'thank you' as the barista sets the last of their drinks onto it but neither he or Avery moves an inch. "Last night, Caia said so too."

Last night – when their two families went out for dinner at the Neapolitan pizzeria. Upon his parents' request she had recounted her experience at her internship and while it had been a challenge to not accidentally give away too much details of her summer, she'd managed to delicately and swiftly weave through it unscathed. Well, she'd sort of managed.

As he mentions last night, Luke too seems to recall their dinner and the multiple branches of conversations they got through during the two hours. "I can't believe you were working for Ethan Taylor's mom."

Avery lifts the glass of iced chai to her lips, steering her steps across the room towards the far corner table. "Yeah me neither."

"Did you see him at all?"

Just having taken another sip, Avery coughs as she chokes on her drink. Ungracefully clearing her throat, she aims for nonchalance as she lifts her shoulder in half a shrug.

"Some. I guess."

She sets the tray down upon reaching their table and her friends immediately shift in their seats, reaching over to grab their things and Callie lifts her gym bag off the spot next to her in the couch, allowing Avery to sink into it.

Leaning forward she grabs the plate holding a chocolate cupcake and hands Callie the teaspoon she grabbed on her way over to the table. "Will you do the honors?"

Callie smiles, splitting the cupcake in two and motions for Avery to choose which half she wants before taking the other for herself. On the other side of the table, Luke kicks his backpack to the side and sits down in the armchair across from her. Nudging her knee with the sole of his Adidas sneaker, he catches Avery's attention.

Glancing over at him, piece of cupcake halfway into her mouth she sees him motion to the phone in his hand and her brows furrow before sliding out her own from her tote. Her lips slip into a faint smile upon spotting the text message.

'Luke'

So everything's okay then?

yes <3

You swear?

yes. i swear. everything's peachy.

♡♡♡

They headed to Beans & Bagels this late afternoon under the pretense of supposed studying, but as of yet neither of them have brought their books out of their bags.

"And so, that is why I have scratch marks all over my left cheek."

Nic's lips pull into a pout, setting his cup of hot chocolate back onto the table. "Poor Whiskers."

"Poor Whiskers?!" Lea folds her legs to the side as she sits back in her armchair, brushing some bagel crumbs off her denim shorts. "I was the one who was nearly suffocated to death upon waking up this morning and then he had the audacity to claw at me as I tried to lift him off my neck!"

"He's only trying to enjoy his beauty sleep."

"I hate you."

"Yeah, I know."

"And then he refused food from me – as if I was the one in the wrong – and Mira does whatever Whiskers does so I guess now even my cats find me undesirable."

Callie snorts into her tea. "Since when has anyone ever found you undesirable?"

"The only one I wake up next to are my cats Cal, I'm pretty sure that speaks for itself."

Callie tilts her head to the side, fingertips tapping against the ceramic cup in her hand. "I don't know... To my ears cat sounds better than boy. Though, puppy would trump cat – every single day."

"Let's agree to disagree," Lea sighs. "Someone better fall in love with me right about now."

"Well, if you grow really desperate," Nic begins and Avery can tell by the twitch of his lips he's really satisfied with whatever he's about to say next. He mindlessly slides his glasses off, wiping them clean with the fabric of his shirt. "I'd do you."

"Aw, thanks Nic."

Avery swallows back a laugh, biting into the last piece of her cupcake with a smile as Luke grimaces. "This is weird."

Nic's grin splits wide, shooting Luke a wink. "I'd do you too."

Lea laughs, lips in a smile as she twirls the straw of her Frappuccino around the cup. "Good to know we always have that option."

♡♡♡

Callie's eyes grow wide as she stares at Lea, nodding solemnly in agreement to her opinion on the latest episode of some drama show they're both watching. Avery smiles, shooting closer to Callie to rest her head on her shoulder with a small yawn. Her lips crack into a bigger – softer – smile as Luke yawns too.

She hums words of agreement here and there in the conversation between her friends, trying to keep up with the quick changes of topic but mostly she just watches them, relishing in the sense of peace enveloping her. Relishing in the sense of calm – despite the espresso bean smelling coffee shop bustling with noise. It's been filling up ever since they arrived, the door pushing open and falling close every now and then, allowing a breeze of air into the warmed up space.

She hasn't been sleeping much these past days but she has a feeling that if she were to close her eyes this exact moment she'd doze off in a matter of seconds.

♡♡♡

Luke straightens up in his seat, leaning back from having glanced at whatever Lea just showed him on her phone, shooting Avery a look. "What's so funny?"

She shakes her head, flickering her gaze between her two friends. "Nothing."

A small laugh escapes his lips, causing her to laugh too. He raises his brows. "What?"

"Nothing, I'm just–"

Her laughter dies in her throat, the sight in the corner of her eyes having her head whip towards the entrance. The glass glistens as the bold orange letters spelling out Beans & Bagels reflect the light from the setting sun as the door falls close.

And there he is.

Beelining for a table on the other end of the coffee shop, he's too caught up in conversation with Matthew Puckett to see her. A table, Avery notices as her eyes trail his path, already seating a few students from Ace East.

Her chest constricts with a jolt of ache as her lips strain to pull into a smile. It's been twenty-three days. Twenty-three. And her body's first reaction upon seeing him is to smile. It doesn't help when he throws his head back in a laugh, dropping into a chair.

She can't see his face but she just knows – knows the dark eyes somehow seem even darker as they light up in that glistening way, lips pulled into a smile bringing a rosy shade to his cheeks.

Her gaze lingers on his back a second more, biting down at her lip as he pulls a hand through his hair before she forces herself to avert her attention to her friends only to notice they've turned their heads to glance in the same direction.

Lea rolls her eyes with a fake gag and Avery watches as Luke's lips pull into a grin, whipping his head around to look at the girl.

"Feeling pretty good to have won that game now doesn't it?"

Lea leans back in her armchair, crossing one leg over the other as her lips pull into a satisfied smile. "I suppose. As long as you guys don't fuck up next week."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

Avery intertwines her hands only to let them fall apart again. It's been twenty-three days. Twenty-three days since that warm Sunday afternoon. Heels dug into the sand, waves rolling onto the shore, words choked out. The rays of the sun casting through the clouds, creating patterns on her tan skin while the ocean breeze tingled her hair. The salt of the air melting together with the scent of their sun block. The hours passing, the daylight transcending into darkness. Her hands clutching the wheel on her drive home. Twenty-three days.

She's brought out of her thoughts as the door swings open once more, revealing Jake. Rhea Georgiou and her fellow cheerleader Brianna Coleman by his side.

Jake, unlike Ethan, catches sight of Avery as he trails behind the two girls towards the counter where Nic and Callie are now waiting for their second round of beverages.

He meets her gaze with a small nod of acknowledgment before shifting his gaze to the menu – leaning his arms over Brianna's shoulders as he places his order with the casher, trademark beaming smile in place.

♡♡♡

Callie lets a long sigh escape her lips as she sets the tray down on their table. "The day I never ever have to see Brianna Coleman again will be the happiest day of my life."

Lea twists in her seat, looking the way Callie and Nic just came from. "Did she say anything to you?"

"Nothing important."

Avery leans across the table to grab the brand new iced chai awaiting her, trying to shift her focus back to her friends – back to the peace, to the laughter, back to the sense of calm after spending far too many days caught up in a storm.

"Shit."

Lea's quick to hold out a napkin as iced chai splashes out of the glass, spilling over Avery's skirt and legs. Taking the napkin with her trembling hand, she rubs at the splotches, not sure if she's doing more good than damage to the cream colored fabric. Lea hands her another napkin as Callie gently takes the glass out of her hand, setting it back down on the table and her lips slip into a faint smile.

"Thanks."

Her eyes drift back towards the table of East students just as Jake sets two cups down on the table, dropping into a seat on a stool next to Brianna. The echo of laughter coming from their table bounces off the walls of the coffee shop, drowning out that of chitchat between colleagues, wails of children and a plate crashing to the floor somewhere behind the counter.

She swallows, knowing she should look away – knowing she should go back to her own, should do as her friends and get her books out of her bag, should get to studying. Instead her eyes lingers on the group as Jake leans across the table, mouth hovering above Ethan's ear as he leans forward too, saying something to him and just him.

Ethan leans away from his friend and twists around in his seat, elbow propped up on the back of his chair.

Time slows to a still. Palms of her trembling hands growing clammy as they clutch the crumpled up napkins.

Memory does not do Ethan Taylor justice.

As his dark gaze meets hers everything else falls away. Her chest constricts with her breath, warmth spreading through her body at the same time as cold prickles her skin. Everything else is simply background noise – Lea seems ready to kick Nic out of here, another child is crying now, the barista is calling out an order for the fourth time but she barely notices any of it.

She doesn't think she can actually hear the beat of her own heart but with how it seems to grow both faster and heavier simultaneously, leaving the oddest sensation to spread through her as her chest rises and falls with her breath, she might as well.

"Earth to Ave."

There's a nudge to her knee and she knows Luke's kicked her under the table but no matter how hard she tries to tear her gaze away from Ethan's she can't. It's like her body's afraid he'll disappear into thin air if she looks away even for a second.

Her throat's dry as she breathes out a, "Yeah?"

Luke talks, and she listens but she doesn't hear him. Her skin continues to shift between warmth and coolness, skin prickling one second to flush the next and it's beginning to make her slightly nauseated – leaving a dizziness to her head as a thickness begins to builds up her throat.

Their eyes linger on one another for a second longer before she forces herself, with all her might – attempting to swallow back the thickness in her throat, jaw clenching – to turn away.

Despite no longer looking at him, his dark eyes is all she can see.

His dark eyes gleaming with a smirk as he teases her, arms wrapped around her waist. The irises of them widening with a soft smile. That twinkle to them as amusement crosses his face. The solemn daze that seems to linger upon them as they fall to her lips.

She draws in a sharp breath at the flashes of memory, having her friends glance up from their work.

Lea snatches one of her color pencils from Nic's hold, shooting him an annoyed look before regarding Avery. "What's wrong?"

Tongue pressing to the roof of her mouth, she shakes her head. "Nothing. I just... realized I have a test in that literature class tomorrow."

"Oh."

She folds over herself to grab her tote from the floor, rummaging through the discard pens and gum wrappers too bring her books out while she tries her best to push the memories running wild in her head to the back of her mind.

Dropping her books onto the table, she stares at the condensed glass of iced chai leaving a circle on the surface of the wooden tabletop.

Her chest rises and falls with her breath, straining with the weight resting upon it. Now matter how hard she tries it seems there isn't enough air in here to fill her lungs. Her skin burns with the memory of Ethan's touch on her skin, as if it is somehow still lingering there. Warm summer nights and days, the pads of his fingertips lightly tracing the lines of her palms, the tingle down her spine as his lips connect with her neck.

The iced chai becomes blurrier as spots begin to prickle her sight and a shaky breath leaves her lips as the memories flash past her. Sprawling her fingers through his soft hair, curling one of those short dark curls always hanging onto his forehead around her fingers. The warmth of his embrace – his arms wrapped around her while she rests her head on his chest. His bedsheets carrying the scent of that ridiculous 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner he uses, an apple-y whiff to it.

Her jaw clenches, chest tightening as she sprawls her fingers out in front of her in an attempt to rid herself of the clamminess lingering on her palms. Despite sitting down, the floor swims to sway beneath her feet.

The crumpled up napkins fall to the floor as she shoots into standing. Her friends all look up and Lea opens her mouth to speak but Luke beats her to it.

"What happened?"

Avery clears her throat, though it doesn't do much to rid the lump of thickness having made itself comfortable there. "I'm just–"

She cuts herself off, clearing her throat again as she hears how snotty her voice sounds and vaguely gestures to her skirt, it's cream colored fabric ruined with the brownish liquid of the spilled drink.

"I'm just going to try and wash this stickiness off of me."

Nic mindlessly draws circles in the margin of his notebook with one of Lea's glitter pens. "You look like you're about to throw up."

Another shaky breath leaves her lips as she forces herself to exhale, relieving her of at least the tiniest twinge to her heart. "I just really love this skirt,"

Somehow she manages to hold herself together long enough to make her words sound believable. Then again, she's had her fair share of practice concealing cases of being hurt these past ten years. "Don't want it to be ruined."

She's already stepped away from the table as Callie calls, "You need any help?"

Swallowing back that lump in her throat once more, Avery's voice is airy enough as she says, "No no, I've got it."

♡♡♡

She allows herself to collapse back against the bathroom door as soon as she's turned the lock. The facade of being okay dissipating as soon as the tears having prickled her view while crossing through the coffee shop finally break free of their hold with a sob, coating her cheeks in wetness.

Letting her head fall back, she peers up at the color flaked ceiling – a loud, frustrated, scratching cross of a sigh and a groan escaping her lips. She squeezes her eyes shut, forcing a deep breath in through her nose and then another one between the hiccuping cries leaving her.

Her lashes stick to each other as she blinks them back open, the salt of her tears staining her eyes, an ache lingering over them as the tears continue to silently roll down her cheeks.

Sighing at herself once more, the soles of her flats slap the tiles of the floor as she crosses the small space to the sink. She places her hand over her heart, feeling it's rapid beat beneath her palm as she attempts to soothe her body in some way, doing her best between her sniffles to let her breath fill her body to soothe the ache overtaking it.

Forcefully ripping a paper tissue out of the dispenser, she wipes at her tears only to have new ones spill out and adorn her cheeks. They melt together, a glister to the lawyer of wet warmth on her face as she stares at herself in the mirror. She yanks another string of paper tissue out of the dispenser, a sob erupting her throat at the same time as she blows her nose. Throwing the paper into the bin, she lets her hands clutch around the edge of the sink.

The taste of salt from the tears lingering on her lips hits her as she presses them together before letting them part, a long exhale escaping them as she bows her head. Her heart's beginning to slow down into steadier beats but the ache remains.

She blows her nose once more before lifting her gaze to the mirror, meeting the bloodshot eyes of her reflection.

A dry laugh bubbles up her throat at the sight and she gently lifts her fingers to her face, tapping the puffy skin of her cheeks before she lets her pinky run underneath her eyes in an attempt to wipe away the mascara prickled there – the little of it she hasn't already wept away.

With the laugh her body's overcome by a heaviness, as if hovering just above her in a backwards sense of relief way. Numbness. That's what it is. The hurt increasing while her body's reaction to the pain slips away, step by step. The tears drying out, leaving her face rosy under the touch of her cool fingertips. Her breath slows down further, her heart following suit and slowly returning to it's normal pace. But the heaviness remains, hovering above her as if to remind her of it's presence – ready to envelop her when she least expects.

Her mirror self stares back at her through the reflection, eyes glazed with the twinkle of lingering tears – empty yet so full, the bright color a sparking contrast to the dim light of the room as they flicker over her face.

A cross of a sigh and a chortled noise escapes her as she regards the tragedy that is her skin. Like her heartache isn't enough suffering, her skin has completely broken out over these past weeks. Covered in zits and dry patches – much likely due to the many tears shed on sleepless nights, her summer glow is long gone.

She prods the blotched skin. Running the tap to splash cold water onto her face, patting her fingers over her skin to try and conceal any hint of having cried while continuing to focus on the rhythm of her breath. She relies on the deep inhales and exhales to push back the next wave of tears having begun to prickle her eyes, trying not to think of the thickness climbing up her throat yet again.

She runs her hands under the cold water, splashing some more onto her face and running her hands through her hair before grasping the sides of the sink once more. Anchoring herself to the basin to make the world seem to sway a little less, spin a little less, as she's overcome by the wave of emotion. Feeling angry, sad, weak and confused at once, she carefully lets go with one of her hands to close the tap while giving her reflection another up and down with a roll of her eyes.

Slowly letting her other hand fall to her side, her chest lifts with the deep inhale and falls with the long – but shorter – exhale as she turns on her heel, heading back out the door.

♡♡♡

Most of the East students are still sat at their table as she emerges from the small hall holding the bathroom, her eyes flickering over the coffee shop as she passes by the counter and crosses the room to her table, but neither Ethan nor Jake is anywhere to be seen.

Dropping back into her seat she grabs the condensed glass holding her iced chai, the ice cubes melted since long.

"Did it get any better?"

Avery blinks, looking over at Callie. "What?"

"The stains."

"Oh," Avery flickers her eyes to the skirt. "No. Hopefully the washer can perform miracles."

Setting her glass back down, she pulls her legs up in a cross legged seat on the couch and grabs her stack of books where it lies on the table. She lets them rest in her lap as she leans across the table to tear a piece off Luke's cream cheese bagel.

Slightly lightheaded, she pops it into her mouth and sinks back into her seat, flipping her books open.

♡♡♡

Stood frozen on the sidewalk, Avery gazes over the facade of the elegant yet modest two story house before her. Music and loud voices carry out into it's surroundings, hinting at the fun happening inside the brick walls.

"You didn't say this is where we were going."

Luke strolls past her, leading the way to the door. "Does it matter?"

Avery hooks her arm in Callie's as Luke tries the door, swallowing as it easily swings open in it's unlocked state. "When you said party I didn't realize it meant spending the night around Easters."

"See?" Callie whines next to her. "I told you we should've stayed in at mine. But did any of you listen? No. I was even ready to bring out the karaoke!"

Closing the door behind them, Avery's hand lingers around the handle. She would very much like to throw it back open and sprint out of here as fast as she possibly can but aside from being physically locked in her place thanks to Callie's hold on her arm, she's not exactly sure where she would begin in a potential explanation as to why she left running for the hills.

And so, she tries to muster up at least half of the excited energy she had only half an hour ago – sat on Callie's bedroom floor with her make up bag – while holding on tight to her friend as they follow Luke into the crowd.

She's beginning to regret going against Callie's suggestion of staying in back at her place. She'd been tempted to spend the night with a tub of ice cream in her lap and 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days' playing on the TV but as the faintest voice in her head had whispered of the fun of going out she had ceased the moment to act on it. It had felt like a shift inside of her – a resemblance of who she was before she became this shell of a person trying to resurface. She'd relished in the joy of adorning her lids with rosé-ish eyeshadow and spritzing vanilla scented perfume to the collarbones beneath the straps of her white sundress all while hearing whispered promises of fun.

If she had known then she would find herself in Jacob Wilson's living room mere thirty-two minutes later she would've backed Callie up on staying in.

Her eyes scan the crowd as she holds onto Callie, not trusting her own two feet to actually carry her anywhere now that the dread's beginning to seep through her. There's no way he won't be here – it's his best friend's house for heaven's sake.

Maybe she should come up with an excuse to leave. Her skin begins to prickle beneath her cardigan, a wave of nausea washing over her as they walk further into the room. Unless she wants to experience yet another melodramatic breakdown like the one in the Beans & Bagels bathroom the other day, she probably should.

"You're here!"

She can tell Lea's had one too many drinks as soon as she nearly knocks Callie and Avery to the floor, having thrown her arms around them in an unbalanced hug and forcing them apart in an attempt to steady themselves. Callie's eyes narrow just as Avery's lips pull into the faintest smile as Lea pulls the redhead into another hug.

"You're drunk."

Considering Lea would rather dropkick anyone trying to touch her instead of hugging them back while sober, it's a pretty sure fact to anyone in this room who knows her even in the slightest. Sober Lea doesn't do hugs. Drunk Lea on the other hand, she's a full experience.

"Sure am!" Lea takes a step back, straightening up as she points her finger far too close to Callie's face as her lips crack into a grin. "And you can be too!"

Avery shoots a look over the girl's shoulder, eyeing Nic where he lingers by the mantelpiece with a cup in his hand – busy talking to one of his teammates. "Is this your doing?"

"As if I can control her."

He nods towards Luke before cocking his head to the side and before she knows it, the two of them have disappeared into the crowd.

Callie sighs. "Great. Your phone please," She pointedly holds her palm out to Lea who obeys without protest. Unlocking the phone, Callie swiftly types and sends a message. "There. Now you've kindly asked your mother's permission to stay over at mine tonight. In Portuguese."

"She'll say yes," Lea says offhandedly. "She doesn't like how you're in that house all by yourself."

Callie exchanges a sideways glance with Avery. "Yeah I know."

"Yay!" Lea launches towards Avery, wrapping her arms around her shoulders to hold her close, whispering, "Sleepover."

She steps back a second later, eyes widening to twice their size. "I have to find Chase!"

Callie and Avery are quick to catch their friend by her shoulders as she's about to spin around on her heels.

"No," Callie says. "Chase is not your biggest fan right now, okay?"

"Aaron then."

Avery shakes her head. "Yeah, I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Callie searches Lea's eyes, tilting her head to the side as she regards her for a beat. "Come on, let's go find you some water."

Avery's just about to lead them through the sitting room and down the hall she knows will lead them to the kitchen when her heart catches in her chest, slowly turning around at the tumultuous sound of voices from the group bursting through the front door that very same moment.

Having heard them too, the host of the evening appears out of nowhere, reading the group as they slip through the arched doorway. From where she's stood, Avery can watch them out of the corner of her eye but she's pretty certain neither of them have spotted her yet, too caught up in their own.

"About time you showed!" Jake leans against the wall, arms crossed over his chest as he attempts – but fails – to trip Ethan and receives a shove to his arm instead. The corners of her mouth twitch ever so slightly at the mock-altercation but the faint smile soon slips off her lips again, tongue pressing to the roof of her mouth as her heart weighs heavy.

Brianna's the next to pass by Jake, lifting her hand to pat his cheek with a, "Oh cheer up buttercup, we're here now aren't we? You've seen Rhea?"

"Mario Kart."

Avery's eyes only linger on the two of them for half a second before flickering back to Ethan, his still tan arms contrasting against the dark t-shirt. She presses her lips together as he throws his head back in a laugh at something Jake says, suddenly aware that if she'd been close enough she could've let her eyes gaze over the trail of small birthmark spots on his neck.

"Ave?"

Blinking, slightly dazed, Avery turns her head over her shoulder to glance over at Callie where she's stood watching her. "Yeah?"

The girl raises her brows, one hand secured around Lea's wrist and the other pulling through her hair – the red shades reflected by the floor lamp stood next to them. "Are you coming?"

"Yeah."

She's already turned her eyes back to the group by the door as the word leaves her lips.

"Ave? Today please."

"I'll catch up to you. I have to...," She trails off, drawing in a sharp inhale as Ethan turns his head towards her – surprise crossing his features as his gaze lingers on hers. "I'll catch up to you."

♡♡♡

Tearing her eyes away, she lets herself stumble back against the wall. She runs a hand over the arm of her cardigan, smoothing the beige fabric out as she draws a deep breath of air in through her nose.

She's stood there for a minute or two before letting a short breath out her lips, taking a step forward to go find her friends just as Ethan and Jake – apparently having left their spot at the front door – walk past her, causing her to almost stumble into them.

The latter shoots her a look of recognition. "Hey."

Just as startled as she is by the greeting, Ethan's eyes flickers to hers with a clench of his jaw and she shifts on her feet, hooking her index fingers together. She's unbearably aware of the fact that if she were to reach her arm out right now she could probably touch the tips of her fingers to his chest. If she were to take one step closer, she could reach her hand into his hair, sprawling them through it.

Her heart jumps as she swallows, the tone of her voice soft but weak as she speaks. "Hi."

"Hi."

. . .

much love, always yours

– L.