In the stunned silence that commenced once I was alone in Eros' room, I found myself rattled, struggling in the darkness to cease the sobs that continued to shake my body, find solace in a room, in a house that should grant me ultimate peace.
And yet, I felt out of place, as I did at home, in school, among peers I used to tutor, I felt like a girl who didn't belong.
Who was I? Who was I really?
Was dressing at school in lingerie a reflection of who I was, what I stood for? Was drinking as much as my father a reflection of the girl I've become? Was manipulating people suddenly something I did?
Above all, I pondered if was either Eros my awakening, or my downfall.
I loved him, that I was sure of, if I was in love with him was still something to be explored, but he permeated everything for me, my thoughts at night, while I did homework, visited my mom, took Angelica around town. He haunted me everywhere I went.
My life was so simple before I met him.
Light streamed into the room as the door opened, revealing Ryder's figure in the doorway.
"Hey baby," he whispered, closing the door behind him and flicking the light switch, the light of the lamps revealing the wreck of a girl that was me.
I sobbed harder in response to his hello.
"Hey!" He swept over to me, kneeling in front of me as I sat on the bed, surely looking more defeated than ever. "Baby what's wrong?"
"Iâ I feel so lost!" I wailed in between sobs, holding my hands against my face, hoping and forcing my body to stop crying, to no avail. "I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know this person I've become, and I just miss you, and I miss Eros and I wish I didn't have to go through this fucking identity crisis without you two on my side!" I covered my face, not wanting to see the revulsion on Ryder's face.
"Alice," Ryder said calmly. "I'm always here, I know I haven't been very available to you lately but I'll be damned if I watch you cry in my home. This is your safe place, you are safe with me. Eros is another story altogether but you and I, we can talk this out," his hands pulled mine from my face and I opened my eyes to a beautiful Ryder, stooped in front of me, love and kindness warming me from the inside out. "What else is going on?"
I sniffled and began to speak despite how choked up I was. "Have I become a bad person? I'm finding thatâthat I'm acting in ways I never would before, hurting people I love. I don't recognize the girl I see in the mirror! I don't want to be her," I stopped abruptly because speaking became too much. Ryder rubbed my knee affectionately.
After a few moments, I began again, in a quieter voice, "But I don't know how to change the things I hate about myself. And I have so much guilt, it's ruining every part of me, I know I've done bad things, and I've had bad things happen to me as a result and I just wish this would ease, wish I could take a fucking breath without wanting to vomit."
Ryder watched me, and there was no anger, no hatred reflected the green eyes I love. There was only sadness.
"This guilt that plagues you, it is not what makes you a bad person Alice. It is exactly what makes you a good person. Bad people take pleasure in the pain and injustice they inflict upon othersâ but you, this guilt torments your every waking moment. It's why you're such a good person and why you need to let go of this guilt and apologize to everyone you've wronged. It's why I've forgiven you. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry. It wasn't fair of me to abandon you when all of this went down, just for the sake of my reputation. You're my best friend and I would forgive you for anything."
He cradled my face in his hands and he began to smile. "Apologize to the people you've hurt Alice, and you'll be amazed at how capable people are of forgiveness. You'll be amazed at how they'll apologize to you too for what they've done."
"As for Eros," Ryder sighed, his smile vanishing and replaced by a frown. "Apologize to him, and he'll make the moves for friendship again."
"But Ryder," I pleaded. "I don't know if we can ever be friends again, or if we'll return to the same toxicity we had before."
He was silent because he knew. He'd seen the way our relationship unraveled, he had a front-row seat. "In hindsight, you both were incredibly immature. It was the toxicity of lust and love between you two that landed us here, a trio divided. I'm not sure if you've both matured enough to become friends again, but you each have made progress. Work on yourself Alice, because you're right. You're not the girl you're making everyone think you are, but you're also not the same girl I knew when I found your list. You're still becoming yourself, and you need to allow yourself that. You need to allow Eros that too. If you grow and he grows too, side by side, I'm sure that if your vines were meant to be entangled, it will come to fruition. Things we lose end up coming back to us. This is not your end."
I blinked and looked down, wondering if my growth was the key to my future, the future that I could make, however, I wanted to. The future in which I tutored again, I wasn't hated, where I was side by side with my best friends, maybe even dating one of them.
"You've stopped crying," Ryder said.
I didn't even realize it, my face becoming tight from dried tears, eyes still burning, but instead yearning for my home.
"Yeah, I guess I just needed a stern talk to set me on the right path."
Ryder stroked my hair. "You were already on the right path Alice, you would've come to the same conclusion whether or not I came in here, I just think you needed some love from your best friend."
I returned his smile and a tear fell from my eye.
"Oh no you don't!" Ryder exclaimed and pulled me into his arms, giving me the comfort I so desperately sought. In his arms, I relaxed, my breathing returned to normal, and I felt like myself, or some version of myself for the first time.
"I love you," I whispered.
He held me tighter. "I love you too."
â¦
The night was silent, as was my soul. I didn't go home with Angelica, knowing she'd probably end up at her friend's house and if all else failed, one of Ryder's bedrooms. I was grateful she didn't see my departure, my ruined makeup, and puffy eyes. There would've been too many questions and I wouldn't have been able to take it.
I felt empty. And thus, I spent the night in front of the couch, letting the television network dictate the next few hours of my life, feeling no responsibilities and yet all the stress still. The TV continuously flashed with shows I never watched, infomercials about random blenders, and my childhood shows.
The hallways lighted flickered on in my peripheral vision and I watched as a dark figure climbed down the dark stairs, coming closer but not enough that I felt compelled to move. The TV shut off and the figure and I were temporarily surrounded in total darkness.
My breathing continued slowly as I waited for the figure to turn out the lights. But he didn't. Instead, I heard the shuffle of feet as he came to the couch, finding a small space to sit between the couch arm and my feet.
"Someone who hurt you enough to make you stay awake for this long must really not have a heart," he commented and I could feel the amusement in his voice, as though he hadn't caused me enough trauma.
We kept seeing each other in this situation, late-night talks because I was upset about something and like any father, he was concerned, or more likely, he wanted his couch back. And yet, I didn't want to acknowledge him, allow for him to pretend like he was involved in Angelica and I's lives.
"I deserved it," I said after a few moments.
He laughed, "Alice, even when you were young you always put others before you, I can't see any way that you could deserve kind of hurt."
I returned his laugh bitterly. "Things have changed since I've been a little girl Dad. Besides, you were the one who taught me I deserved to hurt."
He physically flinched as though my words caused him genuine pain. "You never deserved that hurt. I was an awful father and I mistreated you guys, I admit it. Why do you think I drink every day? It's to forget that I let my girls raise each other. I was supposed to be your father, and instead, I became a burden. A father is supposed to hold you when you cry, threaten boys when they come, I'm supposed to be both your mom and your dad, and instead, I'm a piece of shit leech and I drag you and Angelica down!" He was screaming now, sobbing, as my father bared his soul to me.
I laid next to him, seeing him in the reflection of the television as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, tears pouring out his face and snot running out of his nose.
It was disgusting.
"That's not fair Dad," I whispered, pushing myself up, to the edge of the couch where I could avoid him and his energy. "You can't admit you fucked up like it's going to erase Angelica and I's trauma. That isn't how this works."
The air was empty as he continued to cry and a familiar emotion returned to me: anger. I was angry that my father was trying to force this healing on me, I was okay with him being an awful father, I've made peace with it and I honestly don't think it's in my father's jurisdiction to decide when that would be convenient to change.
He stopped crying eventually and leaned back on the couch. "Sorry," he muttered. "New medication makes me fucking emotional."
I was seeing a new part of my father, casual, taking away the awkwardness that always encapsulated a conversation with my father. He was himself, at least some version of it and I pondered quietly if this was a sliver of the man my mother once fell in love with.
Then he began to chuckle. "Who would want to hurt you Alice? You're the smartest girl in this town, do they really like you'd belittle yourself so much that you'd be on their level?"
I sucked in a breath. "I'm not the smartest girl in this town Dad, I haven't been for a really long time, you just never noticed."
He sighed and for a while, it was silent minus the occasional creak of the house. "Yes, you are Alice. I deal with people trying to pretend they're smart every day, and you don't act like that, you just are. Smart like your mother. That's why you were smart enough to leave when I was having an episode and tried to hurt you and Angelica. You're so much smarter than you think."
"I'm not the one who needs these kinds of talks Dad," I said softly, leaning my chin on top of my knees, hoping he would leave me alone soon.
He laughed, he knew exactly who I was talking about. "I don't even know how to try, she's scared of me, and for good reason tooâ how can I change that?"
"She wants her dad, that's all she's ever really wanted. You just have to try."
He rubbed his face tiredly. "Try? That's easier said than done." He grunted and looked away, as though he couldn't bear to face his responsibilities.
"I think I need a drink," he stumbled to his feet and went by the television where sitting on the cabinet was a half-empty brandy bottle. He popped off the top and took a long pull from it.
When he pulled away, the stench of alcohol reached even me. I wrinkled my nose in disgust. "I don't think I can stand this any longer," I muttered quietly, picking up my water glass from the table and turning to the stairs where he spoke once more.
"I love you Alice, I love you and your sister as much as I am able to. I hope you know that."
Blinking back tears I spoke in a choked hush, "I wish I believed you."
â¦
The Sunday evening light was just beginning to dip towards the edge of the ocean, creating the most glorious pink and golden sunset. The trees seemed to glow in this light, the green of the brush softening and deepening before it turned to night and the tree would become black.
There were certain aspects of my life I wasn't happy with, staring with my rocky relationship with my father and ending with my nonexistent relationship with Eros. There were other aspects that fell in between those two, but one that seemed more important than the others.
Truthfully, I wasn't expecting them to turn up, in fact, it might've been a little easier for me to shove this to the back of my mind if they didn't.
But both of them did.
"What do you want Alice?"
I stood and turned to face Claire and Luna, both with their arms crossed against their body, seeming only too happy to see me this close to the edge of the cliff.
We were in Eros and I's spot. This was an important conversation for me and I only felt safe and secure in the windy edge of this cliff with its grass and trees hiding it from sight. I hoped that Claire and Luna would also find sanctuary here.
"I wanted to apologize," I said clearly, making eye contact with both of them, hoping they wouldn't turn back at this sentence.
"It's a bit too late!" Claire spat out at me, glaring hard.
"I know," I sighed and folded my own arms against my chest. "I'm sorryâI," my eyes went back and forth between the girls and I was wordless.
How do I apologize for all I've done to them.
"You both have been nothing but kind to me, from the second I met you guys. Luna, you opened your arms to me and helped me with parties and Claire you taught me what it means to be a self-sufficient, independent woman. And what did I do to pay that back? I fucked the boy you were so close to dating. A girl doesn't do that to her friends."
Claire shifted on her foot and I was grateful she hadn't run away yet.
"I should've told you from the start Eros and I had a complicated friendship, I should've told you all of our history, from the night he and I kissed to our conclusion that we couldn't try a relationship. I should've told you everything, but I didn't and I certainly shouldn't have had sex with him. Luna, I'm sorry that I put you in the position that you had to choose between keeping what happened between Eros and I a secret versus telling your best friend. I'm sorry that you both now struggle with your footing with Ryder and Eros due to me and.... I'm sorry."
I bit my lip, what now?
"I'm not asking for your forgiveness, but I understand why you did what you did to me Claire. And I'm not upset with you, I just feel even more guilt because it was my actions that drove you to do that. It was my lying that got us all into this mess. And I suppose now I should start telling the truth."
I shut my eyes. I was going to ruin Eros and Claire's relationship, but it wasn't worth keeping anything from her anymore, it would only end up hurting her in the end.
"At Ryder's birthday, when Eros took me away from Henry, he told me that he was jealous of Henry being with me, and although this was under the pretense of him being drunk, I thought you should know..." I trailed off, hoping that this didn't make her even more upset.
She nodded thoughtfully as her arms uncrossed from her chest. "Thank you Alice for your honesty, but I thought you ought to know I broke up with Eros, coincidentally the second he left you in that room. I'm not stupid and I deserve to be someone's first choice, not their backup."
Oh.
"Frankly if you ask me, you deserve each other, but," Claire looked at me thoughtfully before speaking again. "I appreciate your apology Alice, and the wounds are still too fresh for me to forgive you, but you're on the right path."
Luna rolled her eyes. "Stop being fucking dramatic Claire, IÂ Â forgive you Alice," she smiled apprehensively. "You never got upset with me because I chose Claire over you and I appreciate that. You made a mistake and you're owning up to that," she grabbed Claire's hand. "Besides this gossip is already old news, did you hear about what happened at Ryder's party? Harrison Foster was caught making out with Julie Alvarez! AKA the couple I've been calling since we were 10!"
â¦